DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: There’s this girl I used to like and still do have a soft spot for. Her and I are very alike and we have very similar interest and a lot of people comment on how much alike we are. We also bicker a lot but can go right back to being friends the next second.
Now the reason that she didn’t want to go out with me (as my best friend overheard her say) is that she’s taller than me. I could sort of understand if I wasn’t normal height and she wasn’t taller than average but it does bother me a lot.
Now, after I heard all this, I tried to nuclear approach. I cut her out of my life and even got a girlfriend in the time that she wasn’t there. Then things went bad with the girlfriend and we ended up breaking up (it happens, no biggie). But then me and tall girl started talking and hanging out again. She really made me feel like the biggest a
hole for not talking to her for the couple months I was with the other girl. It feels like I can’t break away from her. This wouldn’t be as confusing if she didn’t get very jealous whenever I even talk to another girl let alone flirt and she doesn’t hide it. She storms out of rooms every chance she gets. Her friends tell me she’s “territorial” of me. Which I find kind of creepy to be honest.
But now the other day she texts me just to tell me that she’s “kinda seeing” a 28 year old guy (she’s 20). And I know that she did this just to attempt to make me jealous. Her “kind of seeing” anyone doesn’t bother me. Its her trying to mess with me that pisses me off and I really don’t want to give her the time of day anymore. But I feel like she’s going to go into the guilt trip again, I’m just not sure if I’m doing the right thing anymore.
DEAR GETTING PLAYED: This is what we in the dating advice business call “a HER problem, not a YOU problem.” Maybe she has feelings for you and can’t do anything about them because she’s already staked her position as “you’re too short for her” and she can’t bring herself to walk it back. Maybe she just likes knowing that you’re into her and gets a charge from having you on standby, even though she’s never going to actually date you. Hell, maybe she’s stuck at a stage of not knowing how to handle being attracted to someone and acts like a 5th grader instead.
Ultimately it doesn’t matter, because the way she acts is an indicator that you’re better off dating someone else.
If she can’t walk back her whole “I’m taller than you” stance and admit to having feelings, then she’s not ready to date you and it would end in tears to try. If she doesn’t have any interest in you romantically, but she loves the attention she gets from you and being a manipulative asshole in order to keep your attention, then it’s better off to cut ties. If she has feelings but can’t or won’t act on them and yet keeps insisting that she’s called dibs on you, then, again, it’s better to move on until she can grow up and get over it.
Instead, all that’s happening is that she’s sending you on so many guilt trips that you’re qualifying for frequent flyer miles.
To quote a wise man: “A strange game. The only way to win… is not to play.”
Quit playing her game. Cut her off until she acts like a grown-ass adult.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading your articles and so far I can agree with most if not all of them. Really good advice. I have a intimate question for you. I can talk to girls, maybe get ’em to like me, take me out for dinner, all that buzz.
Now my major problem is between the sheets. I tend to turn into socially awkward penguin when it comes to love making of any sort. Not exactly knowing what to do with my hands, not knowing what to say, not knowing when I should stop kissing, it’s a car wreck.
Please just teach me how to make a girl remember a night of passion and not laughter.
First Time Jitters
DEAR FIRST TIME JITTERS: What’s wrong with laughter? As long as they’re not pointing and laughing, laughter is a good thing. Sex is frequently ridiculous, absurd and crazy s--t happens and being able to stop and laugh about it with your partner is a mark of quality, not a sign that you suck in bed.
(Trust me, there will come a point where you and your partner will have something truly outlandish happen, and both of you busting a gut over it will be one of the truest signs of how right you are for each other.)
But that’s not what you asked.
Where to start, where to start. I mean, I could regale you with the lessons I learned from the Pansexual Nuns at Our Lady of the Gutta-Percha. Or I could tell you that one trick for neophytes during oral sex is the classic “write the alphabet with your tongue” and be ready to tell your friends about the girl who started screaming “YEASH, SPELL MY NAME! SPELL MY NAME!” But is that going to get to the core issue? No, not really.
That’s because sex isn’t about technique or numbers. The dude who’s racked up a thousand different one-night stands can be absolutely God-awful in bed, while the guy who’s only been with one or two women ever — especially for years or decades at a time — can be a sexual tyrannosaurus.
Good and great sex is about the connection.
Now here’s the thing to keep in mind: becoming skilled at sex is, like most other things in life, something that’s a matter of time, experience and practice. Everyone starts out in the same place, and there’s no shame in being inexperienced. In fact, there are a surprising number of women who actually love showing newbies the ropes. There’s something to be said for training a guy to be the sort of lover they wanted in the first place. But the fact remains that you’re going to have to be willing to be imperfect, especially in the name of learning; hopefully these girls who’re taking you out to dinner are also caring and considerate and will treat you with respect.
Here’s all you need to start out with (besides a willing, patient partner, some lube and a supply of condoms): a can-do attitude, an eagerness to learn, a lack of ego and a willingness to take direction and criticism. You’re likely not going to be perfectly smooth and suave the first time and that’s FINE. That’s very different from being GOOD in bed. Being willing to follow a girl’s lead, learning how to read her signals, use your words to explain what you like and, most importantly being willing to ask what she would like you to do will go a long way towards easing that learning curve.
Take it easy, take it at a pace you feel comfortable with and realize one important thing: the only people who are going to give you s--t about being a virgin are people you don’t want to sleep with in the first place.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, email@example.com