DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: There’s something bugging me lately, and I can’t figure a way out or make a conscious decision about it. I’m from France, so apologies for any issues with my English.

To give some background, I’ll tell a few things. First, I must say that I’m bipolar, and thus always had abandonment issues in any kind of relationships, lovers or friends, I ever had. Always scared not to be enough, always scared to mess things up, always scared to be well, abandoned. But I took care of it, as I see a psychiatrist and a psychologist too. We’re making great strides and effort, and lately, I finally get a sense of what’s being self-confident and having an healthy self-esteem. Fact is, since my breakup with my ex gf 2 years ago, I was kinda feeling painful about relationships. Not having someone hurt me like hell everyday, I was assuming it was my fault and that I was such an undatable mess (you know, the usual Mr Brainy likes to tell you). I didn’t had any dates for 2 years, and that was dragging me down. At least it was, until I started to get my sh$t together, by advancing alone in new steps and projects in life, and finally feeling like I was enough, for myself. It is such a great thing to feel, and it is so relaxing not to be nagged by all those intrusive depreciating thoughts. So, here I am, feeling pretty good and having my own purposes. But the issue isn’t here.

Of course, I still feel the desire to be with someone, but I know that until the crisis is over and public places re-open, I can’t meet new people. I tried online dating, but it really isn’t my thing, as I’m more old-fashioned. So my very best option is to stay patient, until I can try and find someone new that I’d feel good with. I honestly have no issue with that, except I’m having trouble being patient, haha. The issue is that I’ve been thinking about my very toxic and abusive ex lately. She messaged me for Christmas, and I really well know why she did it. I know she tries to rekindle a bit, not necessarily in a romantic manner, but knowing her well, I presume she has intentions. Only thing is I don’t know how to feel about this.

During our relationship, she’s been extremely jealous. It went from reproaching me for go meeting up some female friends (with whom the relationship was undoubtedly platonic, from both sides), to making scenes when I said hello to a female friend (or any kind of women in fact) in the streets, to reacting madly when I had any form of social contact with another female human being. This, plus the fact she played games with me, making instagram stories in a bra, liking one of my best friend’s every post, and so on. As she was acting like this, I knew she was having some chats with a few boys on instagram, so-called friends from the music scene. It wasn’t disturbing me, as I didn’t want to give in to jealousy, and I felt that I could trust her, besides the fact she didn’t trusted me. I realized after our break-up how hypocritical it was from her, and I started having serious doubts about her fidelity and behaviour. But she could have cheated on me, I couldn’t care less today, as I’m above that and it’s on her, not on me.

Today grew away from this past, and I’m pretty proud of me for being able to feel so calm thinking about all this. However, as I said, I feel that my ancient feelings are rising again, that I want to give her a third (yes, third) chance today, and that maybe we can start something fresh and new (after all, and besides all the sh$t, I was pretty in love with her). But only in the case she comes forward and make her excuses and apologies, and in a sense, recognize how s--tty her behaviour was. Fact is we never had THE talk, and I don’t want to be the first one to come forward and propose it.

So here I am, feeling on one side that I could give her another chance, but on the other that I want to know someone new and different, and in the end not knowing what to do. Because I fear that if I get back with her, things won’t happen like I expect and/or I’ll be attracted to someone different and hurt her, which I don’t want to do (I’m a bastard, but a kind one).

I leave this to your wisdom, knowing you’ll give me the good insight.

Sincerely,

Ups And Downs

DEAR UPS AND DOWNS: First and foremost, UAD: congratulations in making strides with your mental health! You’re doing great work, you’ve come a long way towards getting your condition under control and you should be proud of all the progress you’ve made. That’s awesome and I’m glad you’re doing better.

That’s why it would be a damn shame to ruin your progress by making a mistake like you are tempted to make.

Over all, I tend to be of two minds when it comes to getting back together with an ex, UAD. On the one hand, I can understand the desire to do so. More often than not, your ex is someone you had a strong connection to, and someone who’s a known quantity. They’re familiar and with familiarity comes comfort. There’s also frequently the desire to deal with unfinished business and unresolved issues and the feeling that hey, maybe things would be different this time. Depending on how things ended, you could feel blindsided or that you hadn’t been ready to end the relationship and want her back because from your perspective, things were pretty good.

And if I’m being perfectly honest: I’ve dealt with this more times than I care to think about, so I can empathize with that desire. And while I’ve had attempts to get back with an ex go badly, I’ve also gone on to have good relationships with most of my exes… including the one where I tried to get back with her and had things go pear-shaped.

On the other hand, more often than not, your ex is your ex for a reason, and those reasons likely haven’t changed. Trying to get a second (or third) chance with them usually means that if you two do give it another shot, you’re going to end up doing the 12″ dance remix of your previous break-up; just faster, more intense and with a heavier beat.

And in this case, your ex is your ex for very good reasons. Twice over, in fact. Everything you’ve said about her makes it clear that she’s been a toxic, manipulative mess. She gave you s--t for having the temerity to have female friends, while having flirty chats with other guys. She tried to run jealousy plotlines on you to get reactions out of you and was generally a hot mess express. It sounds like you were well rid of her. Hell, you know all of this because you’ve already gone back for a second round and it was indeed “second verse, same as the first, little bit louder, little bit worse”.

Now, my rule for deciding whether to get back with your ex is that you need to answer five important questions:

Question #1: Why did you break up in the first place?

Question #2: Have those reasons changed since you’ve broken up?

Question #3: Why are you thinking of getting back with them now?

Question #4: Do you miss them or do you miss what they represent?

Question #5: Are they right for you, now?

You’ve already answered #1 and #2, and those answers suggest that no, you shouldn’t get back with her. As of right now, you have no cause to believe that the reasons that you’ve broken up have changed; while she did message you back at Christmas, it doesn’t sound like that conversation involved things like “I’m sorry I was a toxic mess while we were dating, here’s how I’ve changed.”

But hey, I’ll be charitable and say that maybe that conversation is still yet to come. So let’s move to the next tone: why now?

Well, you’ve answered that too: it’s been two years and you haven’t dated anyone or gone on any dates since then. Now in fairness, you were also working on yourself and making great strides towards getting yourself in good emotional working order. That’s great, and it understandably means that you wouldn’t have much time for love. Similarly, the pandemic has made it difficult for you to meet people the way you are most comfortable. So you are understandably lonely and likely more than a little affection and touch-starved… rather like the rest of us, really. But while that’s both completely understandable and very relatable… it also means that you’re more likely to make choices that are based more on your current (and temporary) state. While I can completely understand making poor decisions because you’re lonely and horny (been there, done that, literally got a line of merch out of it), it doesn’t stop being a bad decision just because you’re aware that it is one.

That also answers question #4: what you miss right now isn’t her, specifically. You miss having somebody, a relationship in general. It’s not that there’s anything about her in particular that’s calling out to you so much as the fact that she’s there and reached out to you. That, again, is not a great reason to get back with your ex, especially in light of the first three questions.

Now while all of these answers are, frankly, pointing very firmly to “not just no but HELL no,” question #5 may be the most important.

One of the things we rarely stop to think about when we think about getting back with an ex is that we tend to still think of them as they were when we were dating them. In fact, more often than not, we tend to think of them during the best parts of the relationship rather than what things were like towards the end. And that’s understandable; nostalgia is a hell of a drug. But they aren’t a fly trapped in amber, preserved exactly as they were when you were dating. They’ve changed too — hopefully (but not always) for the better. But those changes often mean that they’re different than they were back then, and in ways that mean that you and they may well not be compatible any more.

By the same token though, it’s possible that your ex has grown and changed and gotten over whatever bulls--t made her play stupid games with your emotions. And, again, speaking from experience, part of why I’ve been able to have new relationships with people who broke my heart is because we had frank discussions about what happened. We both owned what we did wrong, apologized to each other and were able to start a new and different relationship from that point on.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve had that experience with your ex. While that doesn’t mean you couldn’t still have that conversation… I’m inclined to doubt that it’s likely. And even if it were to happen, the fact is that the answers to the first four questions are all resoundingly in the negative. That means that, even if she had changed  for the better… you’re still making decisions based on the fact that you want someone, and she’s the most convenient option.

That’s not a great way to rekindle a relationship. Especially one that screwed you over twice.

I think you’re better off keeping your distance from her. I realize that you’re lonely and that dating apps aren’t right for you. While there are other ways of meeting and dating folks during the pandemic, I think it may be better to grit your teeth and white-knuckle your way past this impulse. The truth is that the end is in sight and we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Cases are dropping worldwide, more and more people are getting vaccinated and new vaccines are being approved in the US, Asia, Africa and Europe. While it’s rough now, we are getting close to returning to something approaching normal.

While I absolutely understand your impatience and your desire… it’s better to be lonely because you’re alone than it is to be lonely because you got back with your toxic ex and she stomped all over your heart and soul again.

You’ve got the strength to get through this UAD. You’ve already proven it. Hang in just a little longer and you’ll be happy, healthy and ready to hit the dating scene like a tornado.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I met my now husband in college, where he was friends with a man I’ll call Nate. I started dating my husband and became friends with Nate junior year. When my husband and I broke up, Nate and I became closer and eventually best friends. Things did get romantic between us, but with Nate’s constant ghosting and critiquing of my body, I truly thought he didn’t care about me the way I did him and I let my feelings wane.

Cut to two years later my husband and I reconnect and Nate loses his mind. For the first six months of the relationship, he would constantly call and tell me he loved me and how upset he was that he and I never tried to be a real couple. I had to let the friendship go for a time since I didn’t want my then boyfriend, now husband, to feel threatened. We got engaged and married pretty quickly and have been happily wed for over seven years now. Every now and then I message Nate to make sure he’s doing okay as I still care about my former best friend. Husband is not friends with Nate currently, but trusts me in my interactions with him. I show him every message for full transparency.

Here is the problem. Nate met a girl this year and was set to marry her next year, so I assumed it was okay to resume the friendship. But two nights ago they called it off, based on a confession of a past secret on his part that seemed to be a deal breaker. Being his best friend for so long, I can only think of two deal breakers that might have forced her hand, his premarital relations with me being one of them. (She was abstinent, waiting till marriage, and so was he before we had a couple of… entanglements.)

How do I covertly find out if I’m the reason he’s no longer getting married without stressing Nate out anymore than he is right now, and in a way that won’t make my husband uncomfortable? I know it shouldn’t be my business, but if Nate still has feelings for me or blames me subconsciously for ruining his happiness, I need to know to cut him off again. Like I said, I love my husband and have no intention of throwing away our relationship, but if there’s a chance I can still be platonic friends with Nate I’d like to at least try. Just not if he still loves me.

Dates of Futures Past

DEAR DATES OF FUTURES PAST: You’re right, DFP, it’s none of your business, and making it yours is only going to lead to trouble.

You were best friends with him for two years, and then just acquaintances for seven, when he couldn’t handle you and your husband getting together. You’re making a lot of assumptions about what “must” have happened based on very little evidence… evidence that, at this point, is seven years out of date. I mean, that’s a long time for him to come up with new complications and new potential deal-breakers that his fiancée wouldn’t approve of. And that’s before getting into issues that may have only come up while the two of them were together.

The only thing you can really do is say “oh man, I’m so sorry. What happened?” There really isn’t any way to say “you didn’t break up because of me?” without either sounding like you’re centering the whole thing on you or coming off as really arrogant.

Plus, what’re you gonna do if he says “no, it had nothing to do with you”? Is that going to be enough to satisfy your worry, or are you going to still be on the look out for signs that he’s still carrying a torch for you? If you want to try to stay friends with him, then you pretty much have to take Nate at his word because, frankly, if you don’t trust him to be honest with you, that’s not exactly a friendship that’s gonna last, y’know?

I’m also not entirely sure where your husband or your marriage figure into this. Nate having feelings for you has nothing to do with your relationship to your husband. I’m not entirely sure how you would “throw away your relationship” if it turned out that Nate still had feelings for you. I mean, if your husband would be getting pi--y about your being friends with someone who was attracted to you, even if you had no interest in them, that’s an entirely different kettle of fish.

But regardless, here’s the thing: if he’s still hung up on you after seven goddamn years… that’s a “Nate” problem, not a “you” problem. You aren’t responsible for how he feels. You can’t manage his emotions for him. And if you’re going to be constantly monitoring him for signs that he’s still into you… well, you may as well save yourself the mental energy and cut things off now. Whether or not he’s still into you, that’s a sign that you don’t trust him, and that’s ultimately going to undermine your friendship with him.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been seeing this guy online for a good 8 months or so. He’s very supportive, kind, silly, sexy, and he doesn’t judge me for having not the best past. We’ve been there for each other, and we’ve helped each other grow a bit. The problem is, we are currently just online FWB.

I’m not so sure I want to be FWB anymore. He knows I care very deeply for him, but hasn’t really given me a response to his feelings for me. He’s been giving me huge mixed signals. One night he told me he prefers to be friends, the next day he tells me he was thinking of me a lot in the hospital, and how he wants to hold my hand and other sweet things like that. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be the girl in “Paradise by the dashboard light” and give him a pressuring ultimatum, but I really love him and can’t stand the thought of being an ego boost.

Do I confront him? How? 

Love,

Reading Foggy Tea Leaves

DEAR READING FOGGY TEA LEAVES: Dump his ass.

Sorry. I realize that’s harsh, but he’s straight up jerking you around.

He may be a sweet, supportive guy, but he’s treating you like s--t. You and he want entirely different things. You want an actual relationship with everything that means. He wants continuing access to your body (digitally, anyway) without actually committing. This is why he’s giving you mixed signals and blows hot and cold; he wants to be friends but he also knows that if he doesn’t keep dangling the relationship carrot in front of you, he’s going to be left alone with his stick. As soon as he said “let’s just be friends” he realized that it was a toe over the line and tried to pull you back in by being all lovey-dovey.

He’s taking advantage of the fact that you care for him more than he cares for you and unless you take a stand, that’s all that’s going to happen.

You deserve better than this.

You can give him a heads-up: either you get an answer or you bail… but I’m guessing we both already know what that answer’s going to be.

Drop him like a bad habit and find a dude who is actually in tune with what you want and isn’t going to play games with your emotions.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question about shy nerdy guys and sex. I’m married to one of these types of guys – we’ll call him Tom – so I hope you can offer some special insight in this issue. He’s wonderful, funny, sweet, intelligent guy. With the exception of sex, our relationship is perfect. I know – BIG exception. That’s why I’m writing.

I was Tom’s first lover, and he was mine. No one is good at sex when he or she is a virgin, of course. He’s helped me through some sexual issues I had, and has always been great about learning and doing what I ask. I’ve been happy knowing that it will keep getting better–and it has. However, along the way I’ve had trouble with him being easily offended and not very motivated to improve, and so we’ve come to a bit of a standstill.

I’ve been with Tom for over five years and have had an orgasm during sex exactly 3 times. He orgasms every time, which is the determining factor for when we’re “done”. He’s not overly concerned with the fact that I don’t orgasm during sex, because he thinks it “shouldn’t be all about the orgasm” (a line from our therapist when I was working through my sexual issues), and that I’m “really difficult.” I don’t always have to orgasm, and it’s true I am very difficult to get off. I don’t expect him to be a sex god. But am I wrong or selfish to want him to care and work at it? 

Like most women, I need a lot of foreplay plus clitoral stimulation to orgasm. I’m really turned on by cunnilingus, so I’ve tried to urge him to go that route, but to be blunt with you, Doc: He’s no good at it. He doesn’t like to do it very long, doesn’t get into it, and has a pretty wimpy technique. I have a special clitoral vibrator that I use during sex sometimes, which I got in hopes to alleviate the cunnilingus issue, but so far that hasn’t done the trick either (though that might be because it’s loud and annoying). 

However, he does do things I ask, and I know he will listen to me if I bring this up. These are all things I’ve mentioned to him before, but somehow the message just isn’t getting through to him. He doesn’t totally blow me off; rather it seems like he just completely lacks confidence. He constantly tells me he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and then gets frustrated when it’s not good enough.

So my question is: How can I approach this with him without hurting his feelings? Like I said, Tom is a shy geeky guy, which are traits I love about him. I don’t want to offend him. Is there a good way to approach this with sensitive guys?

Signed,

Woman Wanting Good Sex

DEAR WOMAN WANTING GOOD SEX: No, you’re not being selfish.

However – and I hate to be the one to say it WWGS – your husband is being something of a selfish dick. I notice that when it’s YOUR orgasm on the line, he’s all about the holistic sexual experience… but I imagine if you happened to quit giving him oral sex right before the point of no return he’d be all kinds of pissed. Orgasms for me but not for thee and all that and if you complain then all the sudden his fee-fees get hurt.

Look, I can understand the frustration that comes with someone feeling like they’re not good at something that they should be (in this case: getting one’s significant other off) but there comes a point when it’s not about him being sensitive, it’s about him throwing mini-tantrums because… well who knows. So you’re going to have to sit him down and have a bit of a Come (as it were) to Jesus meeting with him. This is one of those times that I would recommend a mix of firmness and positive reinforcement with just a wee bit of appealing to his ego… and possibly the occasional boot-to-ass. It’s time to have an Awkward Conversation with him and advocate for your own needs.

Take some time and have a sit-down with your husband and explain that you just aren’t satisfied with your sex life and you really want his help with it and if he’d just do X, Y and Z which turn you on SO much, you would be ever so grateful. Make it clear: this is a solvable problem, one that you want to work on WITH him so that the sex is good for both of you.

Let’s start with the cunnilingus problem. You get turned on by oral and frankly I agree with my Dan Savage on the subject: Unless previous agreements have been made between partners, oral comes standard and any make or model that doesn’t have it should be returned to the lot. But I’m also not going to tell you to throw the man out because he’s lousy at giving head. Sometimes it’s a matter of just getting him over the hump (seriously, I guess we’re not doing phrasing anymore…) – finding out exactly what his problem is with giving oral in the first place and then teaching him how to do a proper job of it. I’m hoping, of course, that your husband’s not to bust out the whole “smell” or “taste” issue; unless you have an actual problem like vaginosis or trichomoniasis (which are pretty hard to miss), this is one of those times that a dude needs to grow the f—k up and get over it. After five years, he should be used to the fact that bodies have smells and flavors. After all I’m sure he doesn’t expect you to complain about the taste of his penis or ejaculate, which doesn’t taste like maple syrup after all.

(Side note: smoking can affect the taste and smell of both men and women’s secretions. If you smoke, this can be a very good way to help motivate you to quit…)

But assuming that it isn’t about that little immaturity, let’s nail down the specifics. Is he bothered by how long it takes? Does he get fatigued midway through or feel like his jaw’s killing him? These are things that take practice… and you’d be more than willing to help him practice. With technique, explain exactly what it is you need, where you need it and just how hard it has to be. It may help if, as a bit of foreplay, you show him what you need on yourself with your fingers, then demonstrating the necessary tongue action on a sensitive bit of his anatomy, especially the neck or nipples. If you’re the (lucky, rare) sort who tends to orgasm vaginally or needs vaginal stimulation as well as clitoral, encourage him to get his fingers involved (gently). While he’s practicing, make sure to offer vocal encouragement: he’s doing great, you’re getting so hot, just a little harder here baby, etc. He’s probably not going to get you off at first, but don’t let that discourage him (or you) – tell him how close you’re getting and how next time, with just a little more work, he can totally get you there. The more he feels like he’s performing like a sex god, the more he’s going to want to continue and get you off.

If it takes a while for you to get going even with oral, then it might help to pre-game things (as it were) with a vibrator. Your current one isn’t doing the trick, so you should consider trying a different one. Sex shops like Good Vibrations or Toys in Babeland have toys that are specifically supposed to be discrete – helping to eliminate that annoying buzzing sound that may be throwing you off. They also have reviews and suggestions that can help you find your match.

Speaking of which:

Most women can’t have an orgasm through penetration alone; they need clitoral stimulation as well and that’s very difficult to do through penetrative sex. If your husband wants to get you off (and I would certainly hope he does…), then it’s going to take going the extra mile or two. If you aren’t already, I would recommend touching yourself during sex to help things along. Now admittedly, some guys can get a little weird about this; after all, porn has taught them all the wrong lessons including that women can have “Look Ma, No Hands” orgasms at the drop of a hat, so the implication that a woman is going to need some extra assistance can feel like a condemnation of their virility and sexual prowess.

This is one reason why sex toys can be of use – teaching him how to use one on you can be incredibly sexy and helps take the intimidation/ego-deflation out of the equation. Make it about how he’s getting you off, not the toy; the toy is nothing without him. There are also a number of couple’s vibrators, including rings that are meant to be worn on the base of the penis that help stimulate the clit during penetration.

Emphasize how important it is that you both enjoy sex as much as possible – and how you want him to please you. And if he starts to get butthurt about it, even with your being encouraging and open… well, then it’s time to drop the hammer. No oral for you means no oral for him. Period.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com