DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 22 year old heterosexual guy. For context, I never had a sexual and/or romantic relationship, or any sexual experience of any kind. “Nevertheless” I still consider myself to be fairly sex-positive. Over the last few years I have come across a lot of sex-positivity related content and by now, I think I get most of it: comprehensive sex-education is fundamental, consent is key, I am not entitled to any sexual or romantic attention from anyone, the sex a woman is having has no bearing on her “respectability”, the sex a man has is not a testament to his worth or to the value of his character, and I should not care about other people’s romantic and sexual endeavors.

Yet it seems some part of my brain didn’t get the memo. Whenever I see a couple (whether fictional or real) displaying affection/intimacy, I can’t help but feel varying degrees of resentment and bitterness. It has gotten so strong that even my enjoyment of fiction has been affected: I skipped the Witcher (books, games and TV) series because I get annoyed at how much sexual and romantic attention the main protagonist gets. It may seem inconsequential, but it’s really becoming quite pervasive.

The strange part is, I think I might have had a healthier outlook on the subject in my teenage years, despite completely lacking the “theoretical” knowledge I have now (for example I only learned about consent around age 18, on the Internet). In high school I was attracted to one of my classmates and tried to “seduce” her (as much as socially incompetent and emotionally unintelligent teenager can). When she ended up hooking with someone else, sure I was jealous, but it was really a “the lucky bastard did what I wish I could do” jealousy rather than the bitterness and borderline-hateful envy 22 year-old me would have felt.

The goal would be to attain a mindset in which my lack of sexual and romantic relationships doesn’t taint my perception of others and sexuality in general. There are two options that I feel I should get out of the way first:

- buy the services of a sex-worker to “get it out of my system”. I live in a country where it is legal and could probably do it without too much hassle if I tried. On the other hand, I realize a sex-worker’s job is not to ride negative mindsets out of their clients (to paraphrase one of your videos), and that a x-minutes session of body-part contact probably won’t solve the issue.

- go to therapy. I mention it because with everything I said so far, one would be forgiven to think that I am an “incel”, but I doubt that that description suits me. Apart from what I said above, I would say I am “normal” (in the statistical sense, not the normal=good abnormal=bad sense) enough, with hobbies I (more or less) keep up with and an education that is (more or less) advancing. So I don’t really see what a therapist can do, and I don’t want to waste the time of a therapist who has more pressing patient to attend to. Plus therapy isn’t cheap.

So here comes my question: how does one get rid of such a mindset regarding sexuality and women, before it becomes a hindrance to other people’s well-being and my peace of mind?

Thank you for your answer and your work in general.

Trying to Stay Positive

DEAR TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE: OK there’s a lot to unpack here, TTSP, but I think we need to start with just what sex positivity is. A lot of people toss around the phrase “sex positive” without actually understanding it or what it means. In fact, I’ve seen people try to use being sex positive as a way of coercing people into unwanted sexual activity; “if you were really sex positive, you’d go down on me me/ have that threesome I want/ sleep with someone else and let me watch,” etc. I’ve also seen people insist that sex-positivity means being willing to sleep with people right off the bat, being open to sexual activities that they don’t actually like, or to have sex with anyone who asks.

That — as the meme goes — isn’t how this works. That’s not how any of this works.

At its core, sex positivity is the belief that sex is natural and healthy, that individuals have the right to the consensual and pleasurable sexual activity they want… including not having sex, if that’s what they’re up for. Sex positivity in general covers things like comprehensive sexual education, gender identity and expression, sexual orientation, safe sex practices and enthusiastic consent.

Notice very carefully that this says absolutely nothing about not being envious of other people. It would be one thing if, for example, you were judging someone for having had lots of wild crazy sex; that’s being sex-negative. Similarly, if you were upset that your partner had sex before you and you couldn’t get over that… that’s being sex-negative. But you can be sex positive and still have a sad that you’re not getting laid. The issue there isn’t that “sex is bad” or “they’re bad for having had sex I don’t approve of”, but that you wish you were having an experience other folks had or are having.  But at the same time… there’s a rather profound gulf between wishing you were the person getting lucky and getting angry or actively upset about it. That may not have anything to do with sex positivity, but it’s also profoundly not healthy. Bitterness and resentment aren’t really healthy under the best of circumstances. If you don’t deal with them, they have a tendency to curdle in the soul and lead to hate and suffering — your own and other people’s.

And if things are bad enough that Geralt getting together with folks makes you upset… well, that’s pretty bad.

Thankfully, you’re also self-aware enough to recognize that this is a problem. That’s good; as the saying goes, the first step is acknowledging that you have a problem. The next step is figuring out what to do about it. Now as I’ve told people before: just getting laid isn’t going to solve your problem. While I’m all in favor of visiting sex-workers if that’s your speed, that’s not going to actually solve your problem. Almost every time someone writes in complaining about the fact that they’re still a virgin, the issue is never the fact that they haven’t had sex. The issue is what they associate with losing their virginity: the sense of having been “chosen” or found “worthy” enough for a woman to sleep with them. Except — as I’ve said many times before — sex isn’t about “worthiness”. Women aren’t Mjolnir, and they aren’t wearing panties that read “whomever should get into these pants, should they be worthy, shall have the power of SCORE”.

(And if they are, then they owe me royalties.)

Women have sex for as many reasons as men do. Sometimes it’s because they want the validation of feeling desired. Other times it’s because they’re bored and there’s nothing else to do. Sometimes it’s because they love their partner and want to express that love physically, and other times it’s because they’re horny and the person they sleep with is the nearest, least-objectionable available warm body.

While I’m sure you’d have an enjoyable time if you went with an escort, I seriously doubt that it would actually make you feel better about things. In fact, I suspect it would make things worse; you would feel like you somehow “cheated” or that this didn’t mean anything or that the escort was looking down on you or what-have-you. I think the odds are better that, post-orgasm, you’d start feeling more bitter because you “had” to pay for it instead of “earning” it… somehow.

And just between you, me, and everyone reading this… I think we both know that the answer here is “go to therapy”. The fact that you have hobbies, that you’ve got a good education or that you’re statistically smack dab in the median doesn’t mean that you don’t need to talk to a therapist. The issue isn’t whether you’re abnormal or not, the issue is that you’ve got this kernel of resentment in you that’s only growing. Like I said: if the fact that fictional characters are having sex is enough to upset you… well, it’s definitely time to talk to someone. The fact that there’re people out there with worse or more more dire issues doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t go to therapy. Your going to talk to somebody and get help isn’t wasting the therapists’ time… not unless you don’t actually commit to trying to get better. If all you do is sit in their office and deflect or refuse to participate, then you would be wasting their time. And yours, for that matter.

But the fact of the matter is that you’re wanting to deal with this mindset regarding sex and sexuality is a good thing. But if you’re going to do so, then you need to actually do the work. I strongly suggest that you find a sex-positive therapist who can help you with your issues. Therapy may not be cheap… but it’s going to be a lot cheaper to address this issue now, while you still recognize that it’s a problem, than it will be months or years down the line when you’ve turned to dodgy subreddits or horrific right-wing YouTube channels that pretend to want to help you but only want to radicalize you and use your anger for their purposes instead.

Talk to a therapist, TTSP. The sooner you deal with this, the happier — and healthier — you’ll be overall.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a great boyfriend. He’s a smart, nice person who listens to me, is generally up for my crazy schemes, and can put on a fantastic “that’s so… interesting” face (despite being totally inwardly squicked) when dealing with my racist parents. I give him all the brownie points and more for this. Physically, however, we’re not as evenly matched. I’m much more stereotypically “hot” while bullies have likened him to a black Henry VIII. He’s very aware of this, and more than one date has ended with him getting prickly when other guys hit on me.

This general ambient thing has become more of a Thing thing recently. I have a guy friend (say, James) who, about 4 years ago, expressed an interest in me. I was a bit interested in him back, but didn’t pursue it because he’s kind of a player and that’s not my cup of tea. (I met current BF at a Magic draft; you really think I’m going to be hitting up some club-trawling finance guy??) My boyfriend knows I was interested briefly but that nothing ever happened. James and BF know each other because they went to school together, and James has made no secret of the fact that he thinks I can do better. Oh, yes, James can be kind of an a--hole.

I don’t really mind the fact that James is an a--hole because he’s never been an a--hole to me personally. Him hating everyone around me is a him problem, not a me problem. We’re still friends because I figure the only relationships I’m entitled to police are the ones that directly involve me. BF disagrees, and finds my refusal to cut off contact evidence of agreement with James despite my having repeatedly assured him of the contrary. The funny thing is, if forced to choose between James and BF I’d pick BF. But I don’t think I should be asked to make that choice and someone who tries to control who I can be friends with is an automatic dealbreaker. Because of this, BF knows better than to dare ask. Meanwhile, the elephant lurks in the room. Besides, I don’t want to stop being friends with James because I still find the not-a--hole parts of him interesting and valuable. I think I should be allowed to both date BF AND be friends with James/a--holes in general without the two intersecting. This stance, however, is causing a lot of tension with BF.

Am I in the wrong here? Should I arrange my friendships around my current BF’s anxieties? Is there any way he’ll ever believe that I chose him *over* James, and that James’s opinions about it don’t matter? Or is this completely unfixable?

Yours in Hope,

Having and Eating Cake

DEAR HAVING AND EATING CAKE: This is one of those times when the problem you’re having is more layered than I think you realize. And if we’re going to pry this particular issue apart, we have to really dig into those layers.

The most obvious issue comes down to insecurity – your boyfriend believing that to the outside observer (and, y’know, himself) he’s punching outside his weight-class. This often means that he’s going to spend a LOT of time worrying that at some point you’re going to realize it too and drop him like a sportsball reference I don’t actually understand. The fact that there are randos who think that they’re firmly entitled to roll up on you and try to snatch you away from him just drives that feeling home over and over again. To him, it’s a never-ending parade of people who want to reinforce the idea that the princess doesn’t, in fact, marry the cave troll. The fact that FinanceDudeBro is riding in like Studly GoodNight and hanging around with you just throws fuel on the fire. It’s hard enough to deal with dudes like that when it’s complete strangers. When it’s your girlfriend’s friend… well, it’s difficult not to think of him as the “In Case of Emergency” c--k.  

Now normally, I’d say that yes, it’s unreasonable for your honey-bunny to police your friends; you aren’t his property, he isn’t your property and the two of you have a right to your own friends and lives outside of the relationship. In fact, having friendships and lives outside of the relationship is a key to maintaining a long and happy relationship. His being worried about not being “hot enough” is an entirely understandable anxiety – we’re served message after message about how only the pretty people get to date other pretty people – and he’s been watching dudes just straight up try to cuckold him all this time. What we DON’T get is the message that when we love our partners – men and women – we love ALL of them; they may not be an Adonis to the world, but knowing them and loving them makes them beautiful to us. Now the fact that you’re with him and not those other guys should be a sign that yes, you’ve chosen him, but it certainly wouldn’t hurt if you were to remind him that you’ve chosen him, that you love him and why.

But then we get to James, the FinancialDudeBro. And the fact that, frankly, he’s an a--hole. It’s not surprising that he’s not being an overt a--hole to you – he’s made it pretty clear that he wants to bang you. But he is a dick to everyone around you, and that does affect you, whether you realize it or not.

See, a--hole friends are like nuclear waste; no matter how tightly it’s sealed, there’s always the likelihood of it leak. If you keep it in a populated area, it will inevitably taint the water table. The only way to safely store it is in an incredibly secure facility; a social circle equivalent of Yucca Mountain. And even then, sometimes MUTOs break in and wreck the place.

The only way for an a--hole’s tendency to ass to be contained is if there’s absolutely no overlap in social circles; if he does come in contact with the other social circles, there’s almost always a contamination issue. And that’s exactly what’s happening here: his a--hole behavior is seeping out and contaminating the people around you. You don’t think it’s your business to police people’s behavior that doesn’t affect you… except his d--kbaggery IS affecting you.

James is in contact with your boyfriend. James has been making it abundantly clear that he thinks you need to ditch the zero and get with the hero. This isn’t a case of a friend with a crush or someone who’s interested in you but doesn’t feel like he needs to act on that attraction. James is ACTIVELY trying to undermine your relationship with your boyfriend with his “you can do better” bulls--t.  

Can you see why your boyfriend is less than pleased that you’re palling around with him? This isn’t just a case of “I’m threatened by this person’s existence.” This guy is actively trying to interfere with your life.

And the part that is really irritating? James is being an a--hole to you too. That whole “you can do so much better” bulls--t isn’t him worried that you’re with someone who’s bad for you or that this relationship is just going to end with you getting needlessly hurt. He’s telling you that you don’t know how to pick a boyfriend. Everything you love about your boyfriend? He’s telling you that you’re wrong and none of it matters because nobody’s slick like Gaston or as quick as Gaston. He has no respect for you or your choices and he feels empowered to criticize and carp and undermine your relationship – especially since he’s hoping to pick up the pieces afterwards. Because believe me: if you do break up with your boyfriend, James is going to be right there, waiting to take advantage of that first moment of vulnerability.

In the end, I’m left with a lot of questions. Why is it’s ok to have an a--hole in your life as long as he’s not directly an a--hole to you? You say James’ non-a--hole parts are interesting and valuable. I’m have to wonder interesting and valuable James can be that makes it acceptable that he disrespects you and hates everyone around you. I’m wondering just what it is he brings to the table that is apparently makes the tension and misery with your boyfriend an acceptable price to pay to keep James in your life.

You’re the only one who can answer that. Whether or not your boyfriend ever asks, you do have a choice to make.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been with my girlfriend for 4 years, living together for the last year. In the beginning, we had a lot of sex. It started dwindling around two years in, and six months ago she stopped wanting it altogether.

I asked and she said our sex was amazing, but she just doesn’t need or miss it. I respect her and don’t want to force her to do anything she doesn’t want to, so I just expressed that sex was an important need in a relationship for me and didn’t pressure. However, I got sad and it was visible in my mood. I love her and want us to be happy, but it’s hard. She also says I should focus on all the good things we have (and we do have a good relationship otherwise) and let it go. I want to, but I’m sad, feeling rejected, unwanted, and unsatisfied in this important aspect of the relationship.

But she made me question: is sex a legitimate need?

Feeling Left Out

DEAR FEELING LEFT OUT: Short version, FLO is that yes, sex is a legitimate need in a relationship. But I think it’s more accurate to say that sexual compatibility is a legitimate need in a relationship. When we talk about sexual compatibility, we tend to think of it in terms of matching libidos, or the type of sex people want to have. But sexual compatibility goes beyond kink or sexual positions or even who wants it every day and who wants it once a week. It’s also about what sex means to the two of you, how much of a priority it should be as part of your connection and how important it is to you to be sexual in your relationship.  Some people have romantic and intimate relationships where sex simply isn’t part of their connection and that’s valid and legitimate. But that’s also something that they agreed to. One or both of them may be asexual; they may have had a sexual connection at first, but discovered that it’s not as important to them. Or one partner may have lost an interest or desire for sex — or even the ability to have it — but they found ways to make their relationship work that satisfies them both.

That, unfortunately, is not what happened with you and your girlfriend.

The idea that your desire for sex — especially for sex with your partner — is something you should be willing to give up is a great way to cause a break up. It’s worse to try to tell the sexual partner that it shouldn’t be important to them.

If it’s important to you to be sexual with your partner, then hell yes sex is a legitimate need. Sex is a way of expressing emotion, building intimacy, triggers bonding between couples and, of course, it’s fun. It’s completely legitimate and understandable that you want to have that physical and emotional intimacy with your partner. Having her tell you that you’ve got all of these other things in your relationship and that you should just let the sex go is honestly unhelpful at best and hurtful at the worst.  She’s telling you that  this aspect of your relationship — something that you crave, that makes you feel loved and connected to her — isn’t important and you shouldn’t miss it.

And hey, that may well be true for her. But that’s not true for you. And this is where the conflict arises.

While this may not be the message that she intends, what she’s telling you is that it’s wrong of you to want it and that your desire is a problem. But your desire isn’t the problem; the incompatibility is the problem. And that incompatibility is making you feel rejected and unwanted. That’s the sort of thing that destroys relationships.

You and your girlfriend need to have a long Awkward Conversation about your mutual needs and how you can resolve this issue. However, when you have this conversation — or series of conversations — it’s important that you both come to this from a position of trying to understand each other, not “ok so how do we figure out who gets sex or not?” One of the things that’s going to be important to unpack is why she’s no longer interested in sex. Is it a case that she’s lost her libido? Is it that she was bored or unsatisfied and this is why her libido cratered? Has sex always been unimportant to her and she only just go to a point of not wanting to go through the motions any more? Or is it possible — and I hate to say this — that she’s interested in sex… just not sex with you?

Meanwhile, you want to explain what sex means to you — that it’s more than just orgasms, but that the sex ending has left you feeling rejected and unwanted and cut off from your girlfriend. That it’s not about how many times you get to get off, but about the connection and your relationship with her. But you also need to make it clear that sex in and of itself is important to you. The desire for sex doesn’t have to be about emotional intimacy and connection to be valid; it’s perfectly legitimate and valid to want sex because you like f--king. It’s no less real or legit to want sex because you like sex; it doesn’t need to be a transcendent event to be an acceptable desire. If sex — not just with her, sex in general — is important to you, then you should be clear and up front about that when you have these conversations.

And then the two of you need to decide how you’re going to move forward.

There’re a number of ways the two of you can go. If her loss of interest in sex bothers her, then she may want to see a doctor and see if there’s a medical cause. There are a number of issues that can crater your libido, ranging from hormone levels to stress to medication. A doctor can help zero in on whether there’s a medical or chemical cause for her libido going away.

If it’s a case that she was bored or unsatisfied with sex, then the two of you could visit a sex-positive relationship counselor and work on finding ways of communicating your needs and making your sexual connection work for the both of you. I would suggest visiting the referral directory at the Association of Sexual Educators, Counselors and Therapists to find a counselor in your area.

There’s also the obvious option opening the relationship. You could see about discussing the possibility of finding sexual partners besides your girlfriend. As I said: there are people in companionate relationships, where their connection isn’t sexual, but they have other things that bring them together. However, that may well not be the kind of relationship you want, especially not long-term.

But much of this is going to come down to your girlfriend too. There’re people who will decide that they’re done with sex and therefore so is their partner. They may not be sexual any more, but they still insist on monogamy. Or she may see your finding sex with someone else to be a threat to your relationship with her and either refuse to open things up or set up conditions so stringent that they may as well be impossible. Or it could be that not having sex as part of your relationship with her is the issue and you won’t be satisfied with getting your needs met elsewhere.

In those cases… the kindest thing for the both of you is to end the relationship. That doesn’t mean that she’s the villain for not wanting sex, and more than you are for not being able to stop wanting it. It just means that your relationship together no longer suits your needs. The people you are now are different from the people you were when you started and those new people simply aren’t compatible. That’s not a failure on anyone’s part or an indication that your relationship wasn’t strong enough. The two of you may simply have come to the end of your story together, and it’s time for you both to move to the next chapters in your respective lives.

But you can’t know that until you talk things out together, and make sure that you both understand each other first.

It’s a s--tty place to be stuck in, and you have my sympathies, FLO. I hope you can find a solution that works for you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com