DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 23-year-old cishet man with very little experience in sex and dating. Throughout high school, I was a shy guy who had little confidence in myself and it wasn’t until college that I finally got the courage to tell my crushes how I feel. I’ve experienced many rejections since then, got my first kiss when I was 21, and finally lost my virginity at 22 (although I didn’t cum). So very little experience overall. I really want a romantic relationship but fear that my anxiety around women and my inexperience with sex will lower my chances. And there’s also a big problem with my sex drive that I fear will f--k me up in dating.

I have a sneezing/big nose fetish.

I’ve known that I had it since I was 10 years old. I don’t know why, but I do. And ever since I first started masturbating, sneezing porn/ big nose porn is the only reliable thing that gets me off. Lately, I have tried jerking off to regular porn, but it’s really hard to feel the same pleasure. And I don’t get hard when I simply look at a naked woman (boobs, butts, etc.) but I do get hard when I look at a girl with a big nose, or a girl sneezing. It’s really embarrassing, and it’s a part of myself I’m deeply ashamed of, if I’m being honest.

My first sexual partner, I was not able to orgasm with her because I thought it would be weird if I played with her nose. Of course, I was also under a lot of anxiety, so that might have been a factor, and it was also that anxiety that led me to break things off with her, despite the fact that she really liked me.

I really just want to be able to have sex just from looking at an attractive woman, but it seems that the only porn that gets me off is my fetish-y porn. I should mention that “sparks” and general intimacy arouses me, but I don’t know if it’s so much to do with the woman’s body as it is just the good feelings of the chemistry between us. Which may be a hopeful sign, maybe I’m just demisexual.

I don’t know, Doc, I am so confused. Have I ruined my potential sex life forever by exclusively jerking off to fetish porn my entire adolescent and adult life? Or is it still possible for me to find sexual pleasure in the way most guys do?

Would really appreciate your advice if you have any. I rarely ever tell anyone about this, but I’m a huge fan of your advice so I hope you would have some wisdom.

Gonzo The Great

DEAR GONZO THE GREAT: So before I get to your question, GtG, let’s talk a little about fetishes and kinks. One of the interesting quirks of the human psyche is how polymorphously perverse we can be. We as a species are able to get aroused by… well, damn near anything, honestly. One of the oldest jokes on the Internet is Rule 34: if it exists, somebody has made porn of it. There is almost literally nothing that exists that hasn’t caught someone’s attention and made think think “Hmm… I could masturbate to this”.

And I do mean literally. People get off to women popping balloons by sitting on them, women smoking or coughing, being consumed whole, tickling or being tickled, robots, zombies, mythological creatures, or even unusually-sized, non-sexual body parts… including big noses. In fact, a search for “nose fetish” on Porn Hub brings up literally thousands of videos. While having what’s known as a paraphilia — defined as an intense sexual arousal caused by or in response to atypical objects, situations, fantasies, behaviors, or individuals — may seem unusual, far, far more people have paraphilias that the general public would suspect. In fact, in his book Perv: The Sexual Deviant In All of Us, author and sex researcher Jesse Bering suggests that this sort of sexual deviation is actually much closer to the norm than being outré or unusual.

So, while Gonzo’s letter sounds made up — and who knows, it could still be; it’s still worth talking about —  a sneeze fetish is, in fact, a real thing, and one that’s surprisingly common.

Now with that out of the way, let’s talk about your issues, GtG.

First and foremost: no, you haven’t ruined your sex life forever by getting off to fetish porn. Despite what dodgy research and even more dodgy subreddits will tell you: no, masturbating to porn doesn’t create a weird resistance where you have to keep getting more and more extreme just to get off. The issue here is that you have a paraphilia; in this case: you’re turned on by large noses and sneezing. Porn that doesn’t have these features isn’t going to be quite the same to you because hey, that’s not necessarily what arouses you. Someone who’s exclusively or primarily attracted to folks with vaginas isn’t going to get as aroused by porn that’s all penises and nothing else.

(I say AS aroused because hey, some folks do. Human sexuality is a veritable smorgasbord.)

Is this a thing you could train yourself out of? Not necessarily. You could try starving yourself of fetish porn for a few months until your brain is so desperate to get off that standard mainstream porn gets you close enough, but that’s not going to “cure” your fetish. Fetishes aren’t things that go away; people may develop new ones, but they rarely get rid of old ones. But honestly, having a fetish — especially one that’s relatively harmless, like yours — isn’t automatically a problem. It can be a problem if the fetish is physically dangerous or revolves around people or creatures who can’t give consent. But something as minor as noses or sneezing? That’s not that much of an issue; everybody sneezes and there’re plenty of folks out there with noses that don’t conform to the Western European physiognomy or beauty ideal.

The place where this could be tricky is whether this is what’s known as an “optional”  or “preferred” paraphilia — that is, one that gets you off or one that you would rather have, but you don’t need in order to become aroused — or an exclusive one.

Now, from what you describe about your first time, it doesn’t sound like you have an exclusive paraphilia; you were aroused by your partner, you were able to have penetrative sex, you just didn’t actually get off. While it’s not impossible that this was because you need a little nose-play, I suspect that nerves had far, far more to do with it. Dicks tend to be divas; if things aren’t perfect, they’ll often refuse to perform as needed. Having a bad case of nerves, especially if you’re feeling weird or ashamed of your fetish, is a great way to ensure that you’re not going to be able to orgasm for love nor money. You’re too caught up in your own head and your own worries to actually be in the moment with your partner. Get too wound up about “oh god, she’s going to think I’m a freak and hate me if she knew what I was really into,” and yeah, you’re probably not going to be going anywhere near orgasm.

On the other hand, if you had a partner who was cool with the fact that you were into sneezing? I rather imagine you wouldn’t be having any problems whatsoever. The same goes for if you were able to accept that hey, this is just who you are and what you’re into. It’s a little unusual, but hardly unknown or even all that weird. Hell, sneezing is physiologically similar to orgasm; you have the initial sensitivity that builds to the plateau, followed by the muscle contractions and release. The purpose isn’t exactly the same, but the build up of tension and the sudden release are pretty damn close.

If you start just being willing to own that these are the things you’re into and all they do is make you uniquely you, I think you’ll  be much happier. It also means that you’ll want to prioritize finding a partner who’s what Dan Savage calls “GGG”: good in bed, giving of pleasure and game for trying different things within reason. Someone who’s willing to throw back a little pepper on occasion or who’s charmed by a sneeze being your equivalent to “Tish! You spoke French!” is going to be a much better partner overall than someone who thinks that your being turned on by sneezes is creepy or weird.

All that being said: you don’t exactly explain what “playing with her nose” would mean in terms of sex. That might be were you’re going to find some resistance; someone sticking a finger or tongue up their nostril may well be more than they’re willing to try. If that’s an absolute must have, that may well limit your dating pool. If it’s something that you would like but don’t need? Then that’s something you may be able to discuss a little later on, when you and your future partner have built up trust and openness. However, there’s absolutely nothing that says that can’t be part of the video playing in your head while you’re having sex; whatever goes on between your ears while you’re banging is your business, not theirs.

And incidentally: while nobody likes to be reduced to a single body part or set of body parts, there’s a lot to be said for finding a person who’s into you because of the thing that makes you unique, sets you apart or that other people insist makes you less attractive… like, say, a nose that’s not a perfect, dainty ski-slope.

Just sayin’.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I don’t even know where to begin properly really. I haven’t summed it all up before into a text. But to start it all I’ve been married for roughly 5 years and things have been going good enough. The occasional annoyances with one another but that’s mostly about it.

The last year however has been a completely different story. I met this girl who is a model by profession, who I ended up becoming friends with. She was the lone supporter of her family from a monetary standpoint, and she had been doing some extremely shady s--t which I don’t even wanna mention on here for money. I ended up feeling sorry for her because she was just a kid (20) and it felt as if everyone was just toying with her and she was a plaything for most folks, so on that note I started funding her, so she doesn’t have to resort to that stuff anymore and as far as I know she hasn’t. My wife doesn’t know about said sponsoring that I’ve been doing, I’m pretty well off so it’s not much of an issue overall.

Fast forward: I’ve honestly initially been doing it just as a friend and nothing happened, until she ended up following me on a trip which resulted in us having sex. Since then we’ve been sort of in a relationship-esque situation without it being explicit, that considering I’m married. Now I love my wife, but the thing is ever since this scenario started my sex life at home has suffered, like I have to go to extreme lengths to orgasm with her; there are times when I don’t. My wife does feel I don’t find her attractive anymore (which to an extent is true) and she feels she can’t satisfy me but I just come up with excuses that work and all has been stressing me out. I still love her though, I can’t really imagine my life without her because there’s so much we have together minus the sex element that I don’t want to give up.

Now over time I had (shall explain “had” later on) started developing feelings for my “friend” as well. Which was an ordeal by itself, with its ups and downs but I feel I mostly got over it. However, she still does try to emotionally blackmail me, I’ve told her multiple times that if it’s just about the money I’m not cutting her off (in fact I’ve secured her even further with stocks in her name from one of my ventures) but she’s still adamant on how much she loves me and continues to shoehorn herself into my life to the point that she has befriended my wife just so I can’t get rid of her easily.

Fast forwarding even further, traveled to Kyiv for a friend’s trip, pre-COVID. Basically, my friend has acquaintances all over, so he invited a whole lot of people to get together in Kyiv; as a result, I ended up meeting a mutual friend and we hit it off.  I should mention my wife is a medical professional and can’t travel much, on account of her work because her workplace is toxic AF. She doesn’t get any days off (not even national holidays most of the time) and she needs the experience, so I usually end up doing most stuff by myself. So basically the whole thing with my other friend ended up repeating allll over again. Basically the sponsoring (she’s into amateur porn because she needed the money and does like it really), the sex, basically all of it. The only difference being that I find her to be a breathe of fresh air, who I can be honest with. I ended up following her back to her country so I could spend more time with her and yet again I’ve gotten attached to this one now. It has been like almost a year. COVID did shut me off a bit from her because flights were banned, but I traveled as soon as they were open and isolated with her.

In essence I don’t understand what the f--k am I doing. Am I just a cheating asshole trying to validate my shenanigans? A simp? I don’t know what to do about these two women in my life and how to tackle which because sadly I care about all 3. I don’t know how to fix or come out of this situation and what my next steps should be. I can’t really even talk about it with any of my friends because some don’t understand the emotions in play and some I just don’t trust to keep this information to themselves. Like I have a few I confide in and who has witnessed it but they judge the f--k outta me about it which just makes me want to close up overall. Please, any advice to cope or handle this would be appreciated.

Trouble In Paradise

DEAR TROUBLE IN PARADISE: Hoo boy.

You know the first thing I noticed here, TiP? You use a lot of passive language to describe your affairs. She “ended up” following you, which “resulted” in your having sex. You’ve been in “sort of” a relationship. You “ended up” repeating everything with this new woman, “ended up” following her back to her country and “got attached” to her.

That right there is a pretty goddamn big indicator of one of your problems: you’re treating all of this as though you had no agency in this. You’re telling me a story about how you didn’t make these series of choices that lead to your lying to your wife and cheating on her repeatedly; you just tripped and OOPS you f--k ed this model you’d been having a sugar-baby relationship with. OOPS you bumped your head and somehow ended up in this other woman’s vagina. Not your fault, these things just keep happening to you.

Dude. Come on. You know damn good and well how shady all of this s--t is and has been from the beginning. If everything with this 20 year old model had been on the up and up and your motivations had been as pure as the driven snow, then why were you hiding it from your wife? Why were you having to be sneaky about supporting her if it was just about being a generous guy who has a soft spot for a hard-luck story? While I don’t believe relationships are depositions and folks are certainly allowed to have privacy and secrets, even from their partners, the fact that you were making a point about the fact that your wife didn’t know is a giant goddamn sign that you knew that this was going to blow up your marriage. And while I’m skeptical as all f--k that your intentions were pure and that you never intended to bang her, let’s be real: you were her sugar daddy.

(And for the record: if that’s a relationship people want, more power to ’em. I’m all in favor. But dude, own your goddamn choices.)

Again: notice the passive voice. She “ended up following you” on a trip which “resulted in” your having sex. Bulls--t my dude. These were decisions you made. Even if she just up and decided to show up while you were on this trip without your foreknowledge, the fact is that you could have refused to see her. You could have chosen to not f--k her. You decided these things. Own them.

The same goes with the other woman. Once again, these were choices you made. This wasn’t because your wife couldn’t come with you on this journey, this was you making the conscious decision to enter a sugar-daddy relationship with them, f--k them and follow them back to their home country and evidently shack up with her once travel restrictions had been relaxed.

So yes. Yes, you are a cheating asshole. Yes, you are trying to validate your decisions, by pretending you somehow didn’t have a hand in all of them.  Not only are you hurting your wife, but you’re stuck in a situation where at least one of them is ready to absolutely blow your life to s--t . Oh, look: it’s the consequences of your actions!

And here’s the thing: all of this could’ve been avoided if you’d been honest. You could have started with being honest with your wife and doing the right thing by her. Maybe this would have meant going to couples’ counseling to see if you two could reconnect and rediscover the spark in your relationship. You could have discussed a companionate marriage or an ethically non-monogamous one. You could have gotten a divorce, and while that might have hurt her, it would spare her the greater pain she’s going to feel as soon as all this comes to light. And make no mistake: she will find out.

If you had been honest, then you wouldn’t be in this position. You could’ve been sugar daddy to all the sugar babies you could support; you wouldn’t be stuck lying to at least one person, if not three. Four, if you count yourself. But instead, you f--k ed around and now you’re gonna find out.

What do you do now? Well, I hate to tell you this chief, you’re out of moves. There is no way you’re getting out of this cleanly. Because let’s be real: you need to cut things with your first side-piece. She’s made it clear that she’s a snake, and she’s going to do whatever she can to keep her fangs in you. The fact that she’s threatened you with blackmail and entangled herself in your life should scare the ever-loving piss out of you. Your only play now is to come clean to your wife, wipe out the first woman’s leverage and pray that the divorce laws in your country won’t completely wipe you out.

(And that’s assuming that your wife doesn’t pull your scrotum entirely over your head.)

And while you’re at it, you should end things with your other partner. Not because she’s done anything wrong but because frankly, it sounds like she deserves better and you aren’t in a position to have any sort of healthy relationship right now.

You’re going to need to do a lot of thinking about your life, a lot of reflection on the choices you’ve made and what you’ve done to someone who you say you love and care for. Maybe in the future, you’ll be able to have an honest relationship — whether it’s transactional or not — but right now, you can’t and you’re hurting people. She may not know how much you’re hurting her but she’s gonna find out sooner or later.

The kindest thing is to keep this other woman from making things worse, even when it means blowing up your relationship yourself.

You can certainly try to keep juggling things, but you’re already deep in the danger zone. The truth will come out, no matter what you do. That’s already been set in motion; the only question is when.

You can try to bluff it out and hope you get lucky. You won’t, but you can certainly try. You have a choice to make.

And the longer you take to do this, the worse it your wife, and the worse it will be for you.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I don’t know what to do. About half a year ago, I started hanging out with these two girls that lived a few floors down from me named, Jane and Lynne. I thought their roommate was cute, so I started hanging around their apartment. Although that didn’t work out, I ended up getting to know her roommates and we became really close friends. In fact, they are two of my best friends at the moment and I see them almost every day. However, there are issues with between myself and both of them that are beginning to strain the friendship I feel. 

Lynne and I are very close. She’s a very fun and intelligent woman (one of the smartest I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting). I consider her boyfriend one of the luckiest guys on the planet. During the first month of our friendship I had a crush on Jane and Lynne was often the one who I would talk to about it. After just a week of talking, she had helped me plan out the perfect date and set me up for the perfect opportunity to ask Jane out. Unfortunately, Jane ended hooking up with another guy within that same week. At this point, Lynne and I had gotten so used to each other’s company that we would see each other every day and talk for several hours at a time.  

Now as a personal policy I view taken women as off-limits, but as we spent more and more time together, I started to develop feelings for her. Around three months ago, it ended up coming up in a conversation and I told her that if she wasn’t with her boyfriend of three and a half years, I would want to be with her. To my surprise, she told me she felt the same way. I ended up talking to Jane regarding this and she revealed that she has had her eye on me since the first week I’ve known her. In fact, Jane even went so far as to say that I was “oblivious and stupid” for not noticing and that she’s always felt weird talking to me alone because she felt like she was “stealing from Lynne.” Ever since then, she’s been talking about breaking up with her boyfriend, but the last time she got close, she couldn’t go through with it. 

Here’s where it gets complicated. According to my other friends and Lynne, Jane has taken a liking to me as well. It was actually kind of obvious to me even. She acts affectionate and playful towards me a lot of the time, and she likes to touch me. Not in a sexual way, but she likes to hit me or grab my hand. Anyways, my other friends encouraged me to ask her out, even though I thought she would say no. Even Lynne agreed with the idea, which I have to say hurt a bit. While I do not like Jane as much as I like Lynne, I finally gave into peer pressure and asked her out. As I expected, she said no. When I asked why, she said that she wasn’t what I wanted and that she couldn’t give me the affection I want.

Ever since then, things have been awkward and I’m afraid I’ve screwed the pooch on this one. Both Lynne and Jane have acted different towards me ever since. While Jane is already beginning to treat me the way she used to, I’m scared of losing Lynne as a friend.  She hasn’t been acting any differently, but she hasn’t been coming up to see me as often. When we do see each other, I feel like something’s different or that she’s mad at me.  At this point, I don’t know what to do. I think I upset her somewhere along the way, but I’m afraid if we talk about it we’ll say too much if you catch my drift.

Six of One

DEAR SIX OF ONE: Oh man, SOM, You need to be getting on your hands and knees and thanking whatever deities you believe in that I seem to be unable to spontaneously develop the power to reach through the Internet and slap the stupid out of you.

You, my friend, don’t seem to know that you’re supposed to quit when you’re behind. When you’ve realized that you’ve dug yourself into a hole, you stop digging. As it is, you have done goofed. Big time.

Dr. NerdLove’s Rule #43: If everyone involved isn’t poly, then you gotta pick one.

Here’s a hint: trying to go for both girls without alienating everyone only works in Archie comics and that poor SOB is only killing time before they both get tired of his s--t. You keep flip-flopping between the the two girls like a bad sitcom. As soon as you get shot down by one, you go back to the other. Three goddamn times going by your letter.

To be perfectly honest, I’m kind of astounded that either of them are still talking to you after the first time you decided that that no, you liked Lynne, no wait, you liked Jane, no wait…

So you like Jane. Fair enough. You missed your window of opportunity because you were too busy trying to set up the perfect moment. You – and many men like you, including myself before I wised up – don’t seem to realize: there is no perfect moment. There is this moment. That’s it. Waiting for the perfect moment is just an excuse to chicken out.

But as I’m often saying, he who hesitates, loses.

Because you were so busy hemming and hawwing, some other jerk comes along and, critically, doesn’t hesitate and he gets with Jane instead. Fair enough, s--t happens, and even if you had made your move, you may still have gotten shot down. At least you would’ve had closure but still. Bygones.

So instead, you develop feelings for Lynne, your new best friend. The one who was “safe” because she was taken. So instead of playing games, you were straight with her. You were your real self. You felt confident around her. Hell, you made a goddamn move… kind of. But hey, this one seems to have gone better. S--t, you’ve even found out she’s been kinda interested in you from the beginning and this is part of why Jane said no.

(Side note: I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, you can’t call dibs on people. I don’t give a damn who saw them first or how long you’ve had a crush on them. If you want somebody, you rolls the dice and you takes your chances – otherwise it’s totally fair game for anyone else to make THEIR move instead.)

But hey, now Jane’s back and being all flirty and you’re getting confused. Well, here’s a free clue for you: sometimes people like to flirt. Maybe Jane was missing the attention you were lavishing on her. Maybe Jane’s jealous that Lynne’s getting your attention and she’s kind of an a--hole like that. Doesn’t matter, because you apparently believe that your dating life is an open democracy.

I’m sorry, but peer pressure is the worst excuse I’ve heard for a boneheaded mistake in a long time. I realize you’re young but if you asked a girl out because everyone else told you to, I hope you’re looking forward to spending the rest of your life as Marty McFly’s dad… in the timeline where he HADN’T cold-cocked Biff.

Let’s be honest here Six: it was because Lynne didn’t break up with her boyfriend. You were hurt, Jane was being all flirty again…

As a result, you decided to pull the worst mistake anyone in your situation could have: you decided to switch Door Number 2 for Door Number 1. And since dating isn’t Let’s Make A Deal, you ended up with nothing. 

You know why?

Dr. NerdLove’s Rule #27: Nobody likes to feel like they’re your contingency plan.

By going after Jane, you were telling her “Enh, you’ll do,” which is incredibly insulting to her. “Baby, you’re totally the girl I want… assuming that this other girl says no first.” is not the key to a woman’s heart.

Then, just to add insult to (Lynne’s) injury: you say you knew you were going to get rejected in advance. So not only did you hurt Lynne – who you supposedly have feelings for – but you hit on someone knowing that she was going to say no anyway. So for all intents and purposes, you tossed Lynne’s feelings aside for no good reason.

“I think I upset her somewhere along the way.”

Ya think?

SPOILER WARNING: of course you f--k ing did.

If Lynne isn’t mad at you, I’m going to be goddamn amazed. She’s well within her rights to hate you with the passion of a thousand burning suns. I’m goddamn astounded she’s still willing to talk to you at all. 

You want whatever chance you have to save your friendship? You want to know what you do?

You man the f--k up and apologize to her for being an asshole. You’re gonna have to talk about it and you’re gonna have to just risk “saying too much” because you owe it to her to let her scream at you for being a selfish bag of dicks. If you’re especially lucky – and you’d better hope that God really does look after fools and Irishmen – she won’t bludgeon you with something heavy. And when she’s done screaming, crying and screaming at you some more… you back the Hell off. She’s going to need time and distance to heal – and decide how she’s gonna deal with your dumb a--.

Oh, and you don’t get to date Jane either. Sorry. She’s Lynne’s friend too and your trying to hit that is just going to be another reminder of just how much you f--k ed up. She’s not your intermediary. She’s not your spy. You don’t get to use her to try to find out what’s going on with Lynne or to use her as your go-between to pass messages.

Look, I know I’m being hard on you, but you’ve gone and needlessly hurt two people –  one of whom is your best friend – because you can’t stick to your emotional guns. And there’s no guarantee that there will be any saving your friendship. It’s going to take a long time for things to recover – if they ever do. The only thing you can do is wait.

And be less of an idiot next time.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com