DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am not currently in the mental state to be in a long term, committed relationship, but I would like to be intimate with a woman/women. But I have no idea how this even happens. How does it start? And especially, how does a guy even bring up this idea without being labelled a douchebag/creeper/f- -kboy?

I’ve asked similar questions to this online on multiple sites, just simply asking how a guy looks for this without being creepy, and have had answers along the lines of “it’s impossible, because FWB is creepy”, or “you’re basically asking how do I do this creepy thing without being creepy”, or “you don’t think she’s good enough to date but you’d still f--k her, you don’t see her as a person”. I don’t think I said anything to warrant this kind of reaction, so it seems to just be that they don’t like the idea. It would be one thing if this was just a matter of personal preference, but they seem to carry the implication (or in some cases, explicitly remark) that any guy who would want this or look for this is creepy, predatory, misogynistic, and awful.

So it seems like, when finding someone, that I have to be lucky enough to:

1. Not have any hangups about the idea, not think that it’s inherently creepy,

2. Not have any hangups about me in particular asking

and that’s in addition to

3. The whole thing with approaching in general, that she has to be fine with both my approach and the venue.

And of course, there’s no way of truly knowing any of this without asking in the first place. And these three things are just what I need to not be seen as a reprehensible creep for this, not even to actually FIND a FWB. At this point, it seems less like finding someone and more like playing the lottery.

So, how does this happen, and how does a man do it without being seen as evil?

Benefits Package

DEAR BENEFITS PACKAGE: The way you find a friend with benefits is pretty simple, BP: you put yourself out there and make it clear that you’re looking for a casual relationship, rather than something committed or long-term. The easiest and most reliable way to do this is through dating apps. After all: the people on dating apps are there specifically to find potential partners, including women who’re down for something casual and non-committed.

Different dating apps offer you different ways of indicating what kind of relationships you’re looking for. OKCupid, for example, offers a number of “looking for” options, including “short term relationships” and “casual sex”. On an app like Tinder or Hinge, you might point out that you’re not looking for a committed relationship, that you’re not in the market for anything long-term or that you’re not “The One” but lots of fun… there’re a lot of ways to be creative while still making it clear that you’re not offering anything more serious than a casual relationship.

The apps also let you filter for folks who are also looking for what you’re looking for, or who might be open to it. This is far easier than, say, rolling into the club and saying “hey, I’m looking for a FWB, you down?”

Now I have to admit: I would be very curious to see where and how, exactly, you posed this question, BP. I suspect that has far more to do with the responses you got than a universal truth that “all women think dudes looking for FWBs are creepazoids”. The truth is that, far from being a hive-mind, LOTS of women would be down for casual sex. The problem is that a) women face a disproportionate amount of physical and emotional risk when it comes to finding sex partners than men do, b) the sex is very rarely worth the risk and c) dudes have a tendency to immediately turn around and call women sluts afterwards.

But the way you framed this hypothetical search makes me think that you’ve got a fairly fundamental disconnect between what you want and what a friends-with-benefits relationship is. You seem to be coming to this from the angle that you propose an FWB relationship to someone you’ve just met which… isn’t really how it works. Especially if you’re trying to meet people off a cold approach, and doubly so if you’re meeting them some place outside of, say, a bar, club or dating app.

Because here’s the thing: the key word in “friends with benefits” isn’t “benefits”. It’s “Friends”.

To be clear: I’m a big believer in establishing the kind of relationship you’re looking for early on, especially when it comes to casual or no-strings relationships. But dropping the “so yeah, I don’t really want to date, mostly I wanna hang out, drink beers and f--k” right from the start is… not a great look. What you’re going to want to do is actually go on a date or two, see if you two are even compatible at all, and then — if there’s chemistry and mutual interest — discuss the kind of relationship you actually want. Like I’ve said elsewhere, the script is fairly simple:

“Look, I’m going to be straight with you: I’m not looking for/ do not want/ am not interested in having a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. I’m a good friend and a good lover, but I’m not available for commitment beyond that. If that’s what you’re looking for, that’s not a problem, but I’m not the person who can give it to you.

Here’s what I want from this relationship and here’s what I have to offer.

How about you?”

That “How about you” is important. A lot of people feel awkward discussing the exact nature of what they’re looking for when it comes to dates and relationships. In fact, a mistake a lot of people make is that they never explicitly say what they’re looking for and hope that everyone just happens to be on the same page. This… works about as well as you might think. Which is to day, disastrously. By stating exactly what you want, what you’re able to give and THEN saying “and how about you?”, you’re modeling the type of communication that you want and giving them permission to be as open and forthright about what they want from a partner.

And if they say no — which they very well might — then you thank them for taking care of themselves, wish them all the best and move on; you’ve discovered that you and they weren’t right for one another.

But I want to highlight another issue I think you’re gonna run into BP: I think you don’t quite get what’s involved in a friends with benefits relationship. You aren’t interested in relationships right now, just sex. That in and of itself is fine. The problem is that I think you’re assuming that an FWB relationship is sex-on-tap, and it’s really not. Like I said: the key word in there is “friends”. These are — or should be — people you are friends with, who you enjoy spending time with and, in an ideal world, you would still want to hang with if sex weren’t on the table. They’re not people you just call up whenever you decide that yes, some oral sex WOULD be nice tonight. Nobody, even women who’re down for hooking up with a guy they met that night, likes to be treated like an ambulatory Fleshlight.

Unfortunately, that attitude is really common. The reason why a lot of folks, especially women, are down on FWB or casual relationships is because a lot of dudes tend to use the label “causal” as a reason to treat their PARTNERS casually. I can’t count the number of women I’ve heard from who’ve had casual relationships with dudes who were cold to them or felt like they had to keep reminding them that this was just a sex thing… as though they had to be assholes to keep those “soft-hearted ladies” from catching a bad case of feels.

(I’ve run into far more dudes who’ve caught feels for their casual partners than women, for the record…)

You mention not being in a mental state for something long term. While an FWB relationship doesn’t come with the expectations of monogamy or long-term commitment, it’s still a relationship, and one that requires care and maintenance. If what you’re looking for is more about casual sex, possibly even one-night stands, you’d be better off focusing on that. An FWB isn’t someone you can bang and ignore until you’ve got the itch again.

If you’re looking for a friend who you also occasionally bump uglies with… well, just realize that friendships come with obligations and responsibilities too.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: For some reason, I can’t help but compare my relationship with others around me. Today, my girlfriend pointed out that one of her friends was celebrated his 6 month anniversary with his new girlfriend and for the occasion, he bought her a diamond necklace. Nice, right? As soon as she told me this, my brain started piling on the normal sort of guilt I get.

My girlfriend of 9 months, for the most part, is pretty easygoing and for some reason doesn’t expect much from me. She’s told me several times that she’s perfectly happy just being together and doesn’t need all the fancy things all the other guys do for and get their girlfriends. However, when I see what all the other guys do, I can’t help but feel inadequate.

I’m a man of very little means. My job pays barely anything. It’s just enough to pay the bills but it doesn’t leave me much money for anything else. Most days, I can barely afford to go out for a sandwich with my girl. I constantly wish I could do more; bring her flowers, buy her nice things but I just can’t afford to do all those romantic gestures. Occasionally, my girlfriend will make the comment along the lines of “it would be nice if you could do those things” but then immediately back-pedal and say that what I’m doing is enough. But I don’t feel like I’m doing enough.

How do I get out of this mindset, Doc? I want to be able to just enjoy my relationship without getting depressed every time I see a couple doing more. 

Broke As A Joke

DEAR BROKE AS A JOKE: Someone forgot to tell me that life has officially started imitating The Simpsons.

Remember the episode where the other husbands in Springfield started getting jealous and feeling inadequate because Apu kept giving his wife all of these increasingly over-the-top gifts?

That’s more or less where your head’s at right now, BOAJ. You’re letting other people’s relationships dictate terms to you, rather than treating your relationship with your partner as its own thing. You are not those other guys, your girlfriend isn’t those other women and trying to follow their playbook is a great way to make yourself miserable because, hey, you’re not them. You don’t have their lives, you don’t have their experiences and your relationship isn’t going to be the same as theirs.

There’s a reason for the old phrase “comparison is the thief of joy,” after all.

You know you don’t have much money. You’re dating someone who knows you don’t have much money and has told you over and over again that she understands and accepts what you can and can’t afford and is, in fact, quite happy with you. So why the hell are you insisting on making yourself miserable by refusing to take “yes” for an answer?

So far, it seems the only person who’s having a problem with your income level is… well, you. Unless your girlfriend is particularly passive-aggressive, she’s not trying to hint that she wants you to drown her in diamonds and provide her with the lifestyle to which she intends to become accustomed. The fact that one of her friends bought his girlfriend a diamond necklace for their six month anniversary is notable because maybe it’s a little over the top, no? This isn’t her dropping bombs on your ego. She’s just sharing something wacky that her friend did, and isn’t that kinda nuts when you’ve only been dating for half a year? Takes all kinds, I guess.

So she mentioned that it’d be nice if you could buy her flowers or take her out to dinner. And y’know what? It would be nice! I mean, personally, it’d be very nice if someone were to gift me a restored, cherry red, ’65 Mustang convertible. But the fact that I’d love to have one doesn’t mean that I’m expecting someone to give me one, or that I’m going to be upset when they don’t.

The same principle applies to your girlfriend. I imagine she’d be thrilled if you bought her a pair of earrings or a bouquet of flowers or hired a sky writer to emblazon her name across the sky… because who wouldn’t be? But – as she is quick to tell you – she’s not asking for that and she’s happy with you. If she’s not dropping little hints like this every couple of days, then maybe you should just assume that yeah, she’d like it if things were different, but they’re not and she’s still with you anyway.

Be honest with yourself:  do you really think that she went into this relationship under the assumption that you were going to suddenly come into riches beyond dreams of avarice? Or do you think she came in with her eyes wide open, understanding that the economy sucks, unemployment is through the roof, everybody’s struggling under mountains of debt and you’re doing the best you can with what you have right now? It’s not like you don’t have ambition, or that you’re blowing your money on weed, lottery tickets and video games, right?

Here’s a hint: she’s been with you for nine months. That’s a pretty good clue that she knows and accepts you for who you are and what you have to offer. If she wanted diamonds and showers of rose petals and hot and cold running Veuve Clicquot she would’ve moved on by now.

You need to do two things.

First of all: disconnect the idea that the impact of romance or special gestures is connected to a price tag. A woman who cares about you – and, critically, understands that you’re broke – isn’t going to require expensive gestures from you. You can still show her how much you care and how romantic you are on the cheap. You obviously have the Internet so use it to your advantage! You can plan awesome, romantic dates around free events in your area; use Yelp, Reddit, Atlas Obscura, even Facebook to find free concerts, performances, events. Make a picnic lunch – even if it’s just bread and cheese – go to the park and lay back in the soft grass and watch the clouds float by while holding her hand. Buy a single flower, even if it’s just a daisy, and give it to her just because. Do some searching for coupons and sales and you can even do something heartfelt and memorable; It doesn’t have to be expensive; you could use one of the many services on line to print a photobook of her favorite photos of the two of you together, for example.

If you want to splurge a bit on something fancy, start saving up now. Cut your expenses where you can and put the money aside and just keep contributing to the “do something awesome for my girlfriend” fund out of every paycheck.

Second: quit looking at other people as the yardstick for your relationship. You don’t want to define your success by somebody else’s efforts. Your relationship is unique, a singular experience that can only exist between you and your partner. Trying to measure your relationship’s success by what somebody ELSE does is just a way of making yourself miserable, because there will ALWAYS be someone else making a bigger spectacle out there.

But spectacle and giant gestures don’t equate to feelings behind them or the long-term success of the relationship. Sometimes the most romantic and enduring thing you can do for someone comes down to the simplest words or gestures and the meaning behind them, not how much you’ve spent on gewgaws and trinkets.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I feel as though there is something wrong with me. At the time of writing, I am twenty years old, and I can say with honesty that I’ve never truly been in love.

That isn’t to say that I’ve never been physically attracted to a girl; there have been several that I liked. But I’ve always recognized it as fleeting lust/infatuation and for this reason (along with my lack of self-confidence, surprise surprise) I have never attempted to act on it or even openly state my feelings. In retrospect, this was a good thing; spared me the embarrassment and the sort of relationship I wanted would be unlikely. (This was high school, mind you)

As it stands, I’ve never been interested in casual sex; I don’t want sex without a relationship. (Is this an unreasonable expectation?) The problem with this is that I have never met a girl that I can truly say “yes, I’d like to spend my days with you”. I’m concerned that my (non-physical) standards may be a bit too high.

As it stands, I’m obviously not in a relationship at this time, and I know for a fact that I’m not ready. There are a few things that I would like to improve about myself before I really put myself out there. But I want to try to figure this out before that day comes. What is so wrong with me that I’ve never felt this way about someone?

Young Heart, Old Soul

DEAR YOUNG HEART, OLD SOUL: Dude, you’re 20. Chill out. There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re just inexperienced. It’s like complaining that you’ve never learned how to swim when you’ve never so much as dipped your toe in the water. 

Most people don’t wait to fall in love with somebody before they start dating them; they find somebody they’re attracted to and go on dates to get to know them better; love comes as part of the whole process, not as what starts it in the first place. Love at first sight isn’t love, it’s limerence; you don’t know anything about that person, just what you think you know.

Look, straight talk, my dude: if you feel like you’re not ready to date, then take the time to improve the stuff you want to improve. You aren’t on a deadline. There’s no time limit; you aren’t going to reach a point where you’ve missed your chance to date and now you’re stuck. You’ve got all the time you need to get comfortable and feel ready.

Just don’t let it become an excuse as to why you’re not putting yourself out there. It’s easy to keep saying “I’m not ready yet, I’ve got to do more,” when what you’re really saying is “Dating scares the p

s out of me.” If you’re gonna want to date, then eventually, you’re gonna have to take that first step.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a female artist trying to date a math genius. Of course genius is relative in nerd terms, but this guy just recently landed a job at my university teaching both mathematics and engineering. He’s a little out of my league, but we connect sharing ideas about art theory, perception, and science. However I think I’ve made a mistake. I just need to know if I’ve completely blown my chances or if I just need to wait it out.

We’ve been talking on and off for about a month or so. He seems really busy, so I’ve been the one texting more. The only problem: he never asks me out. We could text for days about food, but he’ll never get the hint that maybe we should go eat. We’ve hung out a couple times, but otherwise it’s just texting. So I drew the line. I couldn’t tell if he’s shy or busy or just careless. He seemed like a sincere guy, but I don’t really know him. I told him it was over, that if he doesn’t have time for me and cannot communicate that he can just keep his geometry. He didn’t respond.

Now though, I really miss him. A part of me doesn’t care if he’s out there in Mathland, spaced out on variables and solutions, because he changed my perspective on the world around me.

Is it too late to say I’m sorry? Or should I just realize that the program is unresponsive and force quit?

Missing His Beautiful Mind

DEAR MISSING HIS BEAUTIFUL MIND: Um, Missing? Here’s a random question but… did you ever ask him out? Because he may well have been clueless and just not picking up what you were putting down. Or your hints were so subtle that most people would never have picked up on them. Regardless: if you want to go on a date with him – instead of just “hanging out”, then there’s really no reason why you couldn’t take the initiative and ask him instead of waiting for him to catch a clue.

Beyond that: he may well have been picking up all of your hints that you wanted more and just wasn’t into you that way. He liked your company and talking with you but quite possibly wasn’t attracted to you romantically or sexually and didn’t necessarily want to make a big deal out of telling you “thanks but no thanks” for fear of risking the friendship. So he may have been deliberately missing your hints and hoping that you would take the hint and stop asking him out.

I’m not surprised that he didn’t respond; if you hadn’t actually been on any dates and were just hanging out a couple of times, blowing up at him like you did is going to seem kinda random and out of the blue. But since he didn’t protest or say “what’re you talking about?” then odds are… well, he wasn’t that into you in the first place. You can try apologizing, but to be perfectly honest, I don’t think you’re ever going to actually end up in an actual relationship with this dude.

Better to just accept it and move on.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader, first time writer. I got a situation that I hope you can give me some advice on. I’m in college and was interested in this girl who was more or less an acquaintance earlier in the year. I was quite infatuated with her and I asked her out, but she didn’t really seem interested and declined. She then started a relationship with someone else sometime after that. But recently, it seems like she’s broken up. And it might be just me, but she’s been doing things like waving me down on campus when we see each other, going out of her way to chat, and always asking me what I’m up to. I don’t know if I’m reading tea leaves.

The main thing is that I’m conflicted about what I should/can take things from here (even if I’m just completely misreading the situation). 

There’s a voice in my head that says I should keep some self-respect and move-on. After all, she had her chance right? But another part of me wonders if I should let my ego/pride get in the way of a potential relationship. I mean, people can change their minds. I don’t really know what to do. And I admit, there’s that whisper in the back of my head that says I’ll never find anyone like her again. I don’t really know what best to do.

Please advise. Thanks!

Kind of Conflicted

DEAR KIND OF CONFLICTED:KoC, you’re missing a third option: she’s trying to be your friend. Just because she turned you down when you asked her out doesn’t mean that she doesn’t think you’re a nifty person and fun to talk to. There’s always the chance that she’s trying to reconnect with you because she likes you platonically and wants to hang out. And frankly, if you can avoid trying to use a friendship with her as a way to backdoor yourself into a relationship, there’s no reason why the two of you couldn’t be awesome friends and have a great time together. Not every woman in your life has to be somebody you’re trying to bang, y’know?

In this case however, you’re struggling with a bit of incipient Oneitis, which is part of why you’re hoping that she’s trying to let you know it’s cool to hit on her now. The best thing to do would be simple: take it slow and be friendly. See where it’s going. You can test the waters by flirting a little and seeing how she responds; if she does… cool, perhaps she’s starting to realize maybe she is interested in you. If not… well, you’ve got another friend and more friends are always cool to have.

And by the way: the appropriate response to someone turning you down isn’t to yell  “YOU’RE DEAD TO ME!” and never having anything else to do with her again. Just because someone didn’t want to date you doesn’t mean that you have to avoid them or not talk to them any more. In fact… it’s kinda weird and off-putting when folks act like that. It tells them that either you can’t handle  rejection – in which case, it’s a good thing to find that out now – or that you only liked them as a potential partner, which is a sign the relationship wouldn’t have worked anyway. People do change their minds, circumstances change and attraction can grow where it didn’t exist before.

In fact, being cool about somebody turning you down and being able to continue being an awesome guy even in the face of rejection is much more likely to change somebody’s mind over time.

However, you can’t count on that. If you’re into her, the best thing to do would be to actually ask her out on a date. Whether she says yes or no, you’ll have your answer, and you’ll be ready to move on to the next step… whatever that maybe.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com