DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been dating a particular woman on and off (let’s call her H) during the last year. Meanwhile, I’ve gone on a few first dates with others. H is aware of this but doesn’t know the full extent of my romantic life.

H isn’t my girlfriend, and I don’t intend to get into an official relationship with her. For instance, Valentine’s Day is coming up and I think I’d rather spend it with a different woman. But, I don’t want to hurt H’s feelings, and I want to keep seeing her until I commit to someone.

Recently, H told me she loves me. I don’t love her. Honestly, I don’t want to hurt H, and I do want to to keep seeing her, as long as we’re casual.

I suppose we have to break up eventually, but that might not be for years. Or maybe, if I don’t find anyone else who’s marriage material, I might have to settle for H despite her flaws. I don’t like to call someone my “backup choice” but I guess that’s how it is.

I want to approach the situation with honesty and make everyone happy the long run. How do I best talk with H about this?

On The Back Burner

DEAR ON THE BACK BURNER: Well it’s not very often I get to intercede in the premise of a bad romantic comedy… especially one that looks like it’s about to turn into a tragedy.

The answer to your question is easy, OTBB: you don’t. You don’t try to keep this relationship going just to avoid being single, you don’t string her along, you don’t “settle” for someone you don’t actually seem to like that much. If you want to approach this situation with honesty and make everyone happy in the long run? Then you need to end things as quickly, cleanly and with as little unnecessary pain as possible.

Look, OTBB, I’m sure you don’t mean for it to be this way, but what you’re doing right now is needlessly cruel, and it’s going to be incredibly painful for H. It’s one thing to have a casual relationship, when everyone involved knows exactly what they’re doing, what they’re in for, and what they can expect. Casual relationships require everyone to be on the same page.

It’s another entirely to keep someone around just in case things don’t work out with another partner.

Just because the relationship is casual doesn’t mean you can be casual with the other person or their feelings. And quite frankly, that’s what you’re doing here; you’re treating her like an object. People aren’t starter homes, something that you get while you’re waiting for the house you REALLY want.

And that gets even more egregious when you know for a fact that this other person has feelings for you — feelings that you don’t return, that you know you won’t return —  and you’re keeping them around because you know they’ll be there until you’re ready to move on to bigger and better things.

Leaving aside the question of the ethics of the situation — which is a whole different ball o’ wax — part of what’s unfair to H is that you’re stealing time from her. Right now, she’s investing her time and energy in you, not knowing that you don’t feel the same way and plan to leave her when you find someone you do love and want to be with. That’s time wasted for her, time that she could spend finding someone who does return her feelings.

Instead, you’ve put her on a track where she will eventually find out that you — and there’s no softer way to put this — were using her. That’s gonna hurt. That’s going to hurt her a lot. She won’t get the time or feelings back that she’s expended on you. And to make matters worse, you’re ALSO stealing the time from her that it’s going to take for her to recover from this, get over you and heal the scars that you WILL inevitably leave her with if you do this.

If you want to conduct your relationships with integrity and have the best outcome for everyone, then the choice is very simple: you end things with H. You tell her that you enjoy spending time with her, that you have affection for her and you enjoy her company… but you and she want very different things from this relationship and you don’t feel like it’s working for you. It’s not the relationship that you need, it’s not the one that she needs and you respect her too much to want to waste her time when it’s clear that you two are going in different directions on this. And while you’ll always care for her and look on what you two’ve had with fondness, you feel that the time’s come to end things.

What you NEVER do is tell her about your plan to keep her as your back-up. There’s never any need for her to know this, and telling her — even in the name of “honesty” — just causes unnecessary pain. Honesty without tact or consideration is just cruelty.

And you also don’t accept things if she says that she’s ok with an imbalanced relationship. Her saying she’s ok with being hurt by you like this doesn’t make it better; it just makes the terms of your relationship even worse. “Yes, I know it’s tearing her heart out, but she says she’s cool with it” is a dick move.

Do H and yourself a favor. End this now. She needs to be free to find someone who is going to want her back the way she wants him and you need to not treat people as your “in case of dating emergency, break glass” relationships.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been happily single for a while, and I’m not looking for a relationship, but I do miss sex. I figured that with all the online options for dating, it shouldn’t be too hard to find people who are upfront about their desire to keep things casual – and I was right! There are attractive people on Tinder and OKCupid who explicitly say they want casual fun or hookups or whatever. So far so good – I want someone who’s on the same page.

Here’s the snag, though – I’ve never had casual sex, flings, one-night-stands, anything. All the sex I’ve had has been in long-term relationships, and I’m a huge dork and couldn’t flirt my way out of a paper bag. So when I see a Tinder profile that says “Just looking for something casual,” I freeze up. I realize I wouldn’t know what to say to this person (especially if that’s literally the only thing in their profile).

Dating for relationships is hard, but at least I feel like I kind of know how it works – you try to get to know someone, find your common interests, slowly grow more comfortable. It doesn’t help that everyone I’ve dated has been introverted and shy like me, so in every past relationship it was months before we had sex. Casual sex doesn’t seem like a long game, though – aside from what happens in movies, I literally can’t imagine what words are involved when you meet someone and end up having sex with them on the same or the next date.

How does this work? What are the norms and expectations of the casual dating scene? What are the common-sense things a newbie might not know? I feel like I need a tutor or a class or something.

Got No Strings

DEAR GOT NO STRINGS: You have legitimate reasons to be confused, GNS, because — as we’ve seen frequently on here — “casual” means different things to different people.

Now, as a general rule, a casual relationship means one with no expectation of commitment. Most folks will agree on that. However, it’s the details where people often get tripped up.

For some folks, “casual” means that not only is there no expectation of commitment, but there’s also no expectation of much of a relationship outside of sex; minimal dates, minimal contact, mostly getting together to bang and go. For others, a casual relationship is functionally a friends-with-benefits arrangement. For some it means that you’re dating, but with the understanding that this isn’t leading to marriage or children or living together, while for others it means that you’re not exclusive. For some, it’s a relationship without labels (no calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend/partner, etc), while for still others it’s what you have before you decide you’re settling down.

Needless to say, it’s very easy for two people’s idea of “casual” to bump up against one another in unpleasant ways and leave people hurt, confused and upset. If your idea of casual was that you simply weren’t heading towards marriage but you did expect monogamy and your partner’s idea was “we bang, that’s it”, you two are gonna have a bad time.

This is why it’s important, even in a casual relationship, to define your terms and have a version of the Defining The Relationship talk, where you discuss just what this means, what you expect and what you are open to.

Of course, there’re plenty of occasions where this doesn’t come up. If someone’s just looking for a hit-it-and-quit it hook up or a one-night stand, then there’s a lot less to discuss; you’re likely not seeing this other person again, so there’s no real need. But if it’s someone you enjoy spending time with or sleeping with and you’d both like to do it again and on the regular, then yeah, it’s important to at least lay some groundwork with a “just so we’re both on the same page” convo.

But the thing to realize is that casual sex and casual relationships aren’t the same thing as hooking up on the first date. When you both decide to have sex isn’t a function of the type of relationship, it’s a function of desire, trust and acceptance of risk on both sides. Couples who were explicitly looking for long-term commitment are just as likely to stay together regardless of whether they decided to bang on the first date as the third or the tenth. People looking for something casual may decide to wait a couple of dates before having sex. Hell, people can know each other for years or decades before deciding they want to have a NSA hook-up or two.

So in your case, when you find one of those sexy singles in your area who’re looking for a casual fling… find out what casual means to them. The way that I prefer is to set up a pre-date date quickly — “Hey, I really find conversations on dating apps to be shallow; would you like to meet up for a quick coffee? Here’re the times I’m free, you pick the day and the location” — and over the course of that date, bring up what you’re looking for and what you’re open to. Something along the lines of: “So I’m recently single and I’m not in the market for a committed relationship; I’m mostly looking for people to do fun things with. What about you?” This has the benefit of helping establish whether you have in-person chemistry or not, whether you want the same things and if you two are interested enough to try a proper date and/or hooking up. If your expectations line up and you’re into each other, then blessings on you both. If not, you’re just out the price of a cup of coffee and 15 to 30 minutes of your time, instead of days of weeks leading up to conflict and hurt feelings.

Just remember though: a casual relationship isn’t a license to treat your partner casually. There are people out there who think that a casual relationship means not having to give a s

t about the person they’re seeing. These are people who should be chucked out of your dating pool with great force and furious abandon. If someone is treating you badly or not paying attention to your feelings or comfort, that is not someone you want to date, even if this relationship isn’t going anywhere. Anyone worth sleeping with is someone who — at the bare minimum — is going to treat you with respect and compassion.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Thank you for the awesome work that you do. So many of us don’t have people in our corner that truly understand family dynamics.

Here is my issue I need feedback on: I grew up in a poor family. Neither my mother or father were there for me growing up. If it weren’t for my grandparents, I don’t know what would have happen to me.

I remember as a child I would ask my mother why she refused to get a job and her response was downright ridiculous. As I grew up and remained in school, I managed to get odd jobs starting at age 15. Every dime I made was saved for college. I put myself through college. Now in my late thirties, my birth mother only calls when she wants money. I never had a relationship with her because I despised her laziness and condescending ways.

In my early twenties and through my thirties, I use to have nightmares about her (in every dream I was bickering with her). These nightmarish dreams caused sadness during my waking hours. Since my teenage years, my birth mother always tried to pen her responsibilities on me, and this infuriated me. After I moved away for college, got married a few years later and had a child, not once has my birth mother offered to visit to help with my baby nor has she been a sounding board just to talk. I realized who she was years ago, which prevented me from seeing her face in over 14 years. And, no I don’t miss her (she is now 70 years old).

However, she still calls and ask for money, as if I owe her for giving me life. The last time she called, I told her to stop calling me and that I owed her nothing. I felt bad after the phone call, but I still feel resentment towards her. However, not talking to her somehow brings me peace.

Unfortunately, I think about her everyday, my thoughts range from ‘how can a mother not support her children…or ’why she thinks its ok to not do anything to enhance her life or her children lives years prior……or ‘why she thinks its ok to think someone owe her something.’ I am 37 years old and honestly, I am tired of thinking about my birth mother. Over the years I have consulted with several psychologists because of the anxiety and resentment I have towards my birth mother. Now, I just want to stop my brain from thinking about her.

I know I need to forgive and let the pain go. Am I wrong for walking away, never to have anything to do with my birth mother? Am I wrong for feeling the way I feel? Your thoughts and opinions are welcome with gratitude.

I (Don’t Wanna) Remember Mama

DEAR I (DON’T WANNA) REMEMBER MAMA: There was a movie that came out a few years ago about a young man coming to terms with his relationship with his biological father. Over the course of the film, he goes from having a fantasy of who his father was, being thrilled to find his real birth father, to realizing that his birth father was a legitimate monster… and that while the two had a contentious relationship, the man who actually raised him was far more of a parent than his biological father ever was.

Like the man said: “He may have been your father, boy, but he weren’t your daddy.”

Your mother may have given you half of your chromosomes and your DNA. Your mother may be the reason you exist in this world. None of that obligates you to break yourself into pieces on her behalf… not when she’s treated you as an afterthought at best and a resource to be exploited at need.

As much as “I didn’t ask to be born” is the war cry of angsty, frustrated teens and tweens the world over… it’s also true. The fact that you were born doesn’t obligate you to allow your birth parents — or anyone else for that matter — to treat you badly. Being biologically related to someone isn’t a binding contract.

Just as importantly, family isn’t just about blood. The fact that someone gave birth to you may make them your mother, but that doesn’t make them family. You can have a family of origin and a family of choice. Sometimes they’re one and the same. Sometimes they’re not. The fact that someone is related to you by blood doesn’t obligate you to keep them in your life, especially not when they only treat you badly. You have every right to decide whether or not someone is a part of your family, just as you have every right to decide whether or not someone has access to your life. Or, for that matter, to cut someone off.

It’s entirely understandable that you feel bad about cutting her out of your life so completely, I(DW)RM. It’s also entirely understandable that you resent her and what she’s done (and hasn’t done). Those feelings are real and valid. But cutting her off was the right idea. One of the most important things you can do in your life is to establish and maintain firm boundaries, especially with people who only try to use you or to force you to take on responsibilities that aren’t yours. Denying toxic people your time, your attention or even just access to you isn’t something to feel bad about. It’s one of the kindest, most caring things you can do for yourself. You are refusing to let someone who abdicated their responsibility to you as a child have a single toehold in your life. The only thing that’s sad about it is the necessity of it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com