DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I literally have one of the most trivial problems of all time, but it’s something that has been very difficult for me to forget/get over, which is obviously why I’m writing.

So, of course, I’m a big nerd, and one of my nerdy passions is TV and film. I admit that my tastes can edge toward the snobby side, but I’m not opposed to some ridiculous, crude, absurd stuff either. (Think Tim and Eric and the like.)

I’ve been dating this guy for about 2 months, and it’s become clear that we really don’t have the same tastes in this regard, which was fine- we can watch our stuff separately, no need to involve the other.

So here’s my super trivial problem: The other night we got together to watch a movie. He showed me a trailer, and it was awful. He seemed to think it was funny, so I was kind and gentle when he asked me about it, though I did voice that I didn’t think it looked very good and I didn’t want to watch it. He immediately proceeds to buy the movie and start playing it for us to watch together.

It was more terrible than the preview even made it out to be! And I’m not talking bad, like MST3K or campy/cult bad (which is good!), I’m talking bad like all you could really do was stare at the TV and feel complete pity for every single actor involved. Not even one single chuckle – just staring straight ahead, wondering how on earth this steaming pile of s

t ever came to be in the first place, and how on earth anyone who signed on thought it would be a good idea.

So, a scene comes up that happens to feature one of my favorite British comedians. I ask if we can please stop it, because by this point I know I will never be able to un-see this and I will lose major respect for this person I really admire. He stops it, then asks me “Will this make you hate him forever?” and I answer truthfully, “Yes, probably…”. So he plays the rest of the movie anyway.

Here’s the worst of it- he starts kissing me after the movie, obviously thinking we’re going to have sex, but this movie was so bad that it was an absolute lady-boner killer, and I am dry as a desert and clenched up like a vice. I make some small excuse so as to not hurt his feelings, and we cuddle and go to sleep for the night.

Now the problem – he is insistent it is an amazing movie and won’t stop talking about it. He even went to the theatre to see it when it was originally released, so he’d seen it before! He said he bought it and played it because he thought I would like it. Now I feel like he just doesn’t understand my tastes in the slightest, that he doesn’t listen to me, and I am also questioning his judgment and our compatibility, because it turns out most of the movies and TV he enjoys are right along this level.

I know this sounds trivial and ridiculous, but one of my favorite things in life is having a partner who I can have real discussions with about the things we watch. This may be the lamest reason in the world to break up with someone, but I am starting to feel like it’s what I need to do. I have confided in some friends, and they all think it’s ridiculous, but I reminded them that they haven’t seen this movie or been forced to watch it, and honestly I think they’d make some hard life decisions too if they had. (Being somewhat facetious, but also not, here…)

So, what? Am I the biggest snob in the world, or can this awful taste in cinema be enough for me to call it quits?

Signed

Move on 43

DEAR MOVE ON 43: You can break up with someone for literally any reason. If you decide that something is a dealbreaker, then hey, that’s a dealbreaker. There is no High Council of Relationships that will decide that your reason for breaking up with someone is insufficient and thus you are forced to stay with him. Can’t stand his politics? Go for it. Don’t like his parents? Yeah, I can see how that’d be a problem. Dude’s nose whistles when he breathes and it drives you crazy? You do you.

This doesn’t mean that there won’t be people out there who may think you reason is bad or stupid or what-not. Hell, half of the appeal of Reddit’s “Am I The Asshole” forum is for strangers to sit in voyeuristic judgement of other people’s relationships. But the judgement of strangers — or even your friends — isn’t a meaningful metric to decide what you should and shouldn’t do with your relationship. Relationships aren’t a democracy, nor are they a forum for public participation. People can have their opinions and they can also keep their opinions to themselves.

Now to be fair: it’s certainly possible to be picky or finicky to the point that you’ve filtered your potential dating pool down to single digits. If you’re regularly breaking up with people for seemingly shallow reasons, or leaving relationships you otherwise enjoy because of some minor problem, then it can be a good idea to interrogate just why you’re being so picky and whether you’re letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. But by the same token: if that seemingly small or shallow thing has makes dating them intolerable, then you aren’t doing yourself or your partner any favors by trying to stick around to prove that you’re a “better” person.

Now that having been said: while his taste in movies may be abominable (seriously, if it’s the movie I think it is, finding it HILARIOUS is probably a sign to run for the hills), but the bigger red flag is that he ignored literally every sign, signal and verbal confirmation that you hated this. That’s an indicator that he doesn’t seem to take your comfort or preferences seriously which ain’t a good look. It’s not a dump-him-and-run-for-the-hills level offense, but it’s certainly something to add to the equation of whether you’re considering if this is a relationship worth keeping.

But hey, look at it this way: by breaking up with this dude, you’re setting him free so that he can find himself a girlfriend who loves the same cringe humor and lowbrow comedy he does. Really, when you think about it, you’re doing him a favor. He’s now free to enjoy the movies he loves without feeling the hate radiating off you like gamma rays and you’re able to find somebody who’s tastes and sense of humor are more compatible with yours.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So after having no relationship or sexually experience I recently hit all the check marks (losing weight, positive thinking, social confidence etc…) and things were going great! I met a great girl, attracted her, went out on dates. Then, out of the middle of nowhere one night, she wanted to sleep with me:

“What…?”

Literally straight out of a movie. Quirky entrance into the house where we climbed through a window, wine on the pants followed by “let’s get those off”, followed by “come sleep in the bed with me”. Except unlike in the movies, I wasn’t completely ready, got too in my own head, panicked, and slept on the couch. The attraction fizzled and the relationship never went anywhere.

And ever since I’ve been fumbling EVERYTHING. My confidence slid, I’m not as smooth as I was before, can’t really get a date, and I’ve just been on a rocky road for some months now. Because in my head that night was what it was all leading up to, and if I can’t deliver then, how can I deliver ever? I still feel like deep down any second I’m going to be revealed as a fraud and slip permanently even after working so hard.

How do I get back on track?

Thanks!

Fumbled the Touchdown

DEAR FUMBLED THE TOUCHDOWN: It’s understandable that you’re having self-esteem issues, FtT. There you are, about to have the sort of first time experience that you only expect to see in 80s boner-jams… and you just can’t make it happen. Not only that, but apparently you wiff so hard that the entire relationship fizzles out and now you’re left feeling like all of the experience and good times you had up to that point went with it.

But that’s not it. That’s not it at all. The fact that things didn’t play out exactly the way you hoped or dreamed doesn’t mean that you’re screwed (er… as it were) and you can never manage to achieve anything.

I mean, hell, if we look at this from the lens of raunchy teen-sex comedies… well, this was the 2nd act twist. This was the point of “OH HE’S GONNA MAKE IT!” and then there are misunderstandings, wacky hijinx and now you’re left running out the door with your pants in one hand and your junk in the other. But the whole point of that near miss wasn’t that it sets him back to zero; it’s that it sets him up for the real first time that’s gonna come with the third act and the person who’s actually right for him.

(Unless we’re talking The Last American Virgin, which is almost traumatic in its nihilistic realism at the end… but that’s a different rant entirely).

I don’t think you’re in nearly as bad shape as you think you are, FTT. I think you’re taking things far more seriously than they actually are and the feeling that you “couldn’t deliver” is screwing with you. But the thing is: this isn’t a case of “you couldn’t deliver”, such as it is. It’s that, for some reason, this didn’t feel right to you or you just weren’t ready for it. That’s all. That doesn’t make you less of a man or a failure, it just means that this specific instance wasn’t going to work. And honestly, if you had a little more experience, you probably would’ve been able to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. In this case — because hindsight is 20/20 — if you’d opted to sleep in bed with your partner at the time instead of running for the couch, you two would’ve woken up in the morning and had the opportunity for another go. You could have said “hey, I seem to be having an issue/a little too much to drink, how about we sleep on it” and then been golden.

But that’s for next time.

What you need to do first is see if you can dig into just why you panicked. Was it a case of deservedness, where you felt like you didn’t deserve to lose your virginity to her? Was it a fear that you wouldn’t have been any good in bed? Perhaps this wasn’t how you wanted to lose your virginity, which is completely valid. The more you can interrogate why you were so in your own head and why this incident threw you for a loop, the more you’ll understand what triggered things. Understand that and you have a two-pronged approach. In the short term, if you know your triggers, you’re in a better position to find ways to avoid them. That way, when the opportunity arises again — and it will arise again — then you’ll be ready and willing and able to avoid stepping on those landmines on the way to the bed. In the long term, understanding the root cause means that you can address that anxiety directly and work towards becoming even more confident and self-assured.

But the thing to keep in mind: this is just a bump in the road FtT, a 2nd act twist to make the audience feel even more invested in the hero’s inevitable success. What happened in the moment was just that: the moment. It’s neither permanent nor an indication that you’re less of a man in any way, shape or form. It may help to take the expectation for sex off the table for a bit. Go out, date and have experiences… but do so just with the intention of going on dates and having experiences. Taking the pressure off yourself to perform can help ease your anxiety and make it easier to just focus on connecting and enjoying your time with your date.

And if things go your way… well, this time, you’ll be much more relaxed, much more confident and ready to have an incredible experience.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am really new in the world of relationships. I had a problem during these days because some friends believed that my conduct to a lady was inappropriate.

One month ago I saw the WhatsApp story of a lovely girl, who put two pictures on it. The first one was a rock band, and the second one was had the label “Let’s make love”. I am really attracted to her, so I thought that the moment was appropriate to tell her to have sex with me. After talking to her for a while, I decided to tell her my intentions. So, I said to her “lets have sex”. Unfortunately, my proposal was taken as an offense, and she blocked me from WhatsApp.

Two days ago I found her on Instagram, and I decided to apologize to her, but also to ask her if she had decided to have sex with me or not. I think I am a reasonably open minded person. I was blocked again.

This Friday, a friend called me, and he said to me that I was harassing her. I think my intentions were misunderstood because I asked her both times if she agrees or disagrees. I was going to accept her response if she said no because I believe that her body is hers, and she has the final decision on whether she wants to make it out with a person or not.

Do you think that my attitude was inappropriate at all?

Best

Unsure And Unready

DEAR UNSURE AND UNREADY: Hoo boy.

Alright UaU, I’m gonna give it to you straight: you f

ked up. You f

ked up big time.

Now you say that you’re new to the world of relationships. OK, sure, fine. But your behavior and what you did has nothing to do with being new to relationships; it’s so out of whack with social norms that I’m left wondering if you have NO social calibration whatsoever. I don’t know if you’re neuroatypical to an incredible degree or if you are that socially inexperienced, but the vast majority of people — social “experiment” videos on YouTube aside — don’t go up to total strangers and ask to bang either right off the bat or shortly after meeting.

You especially don’t assume this based on a WhatsApp story with what’s almost certainly a reference to the Marilyn Monroe movie “Let’s Make Love”.

But in the name of education, let’s break down exactly where things went wrong and why, so you don’t make this mistake again with someone else. Ring the bell, class is in session. Your professor today will be The Chair Leg of Truth.

First and foremost: you assumed that her WhatsApp story was an open invitation for you (or, one supposes, anyone who viewed it) to ask her to sleep with you. Part of the function of stories on social media — whether Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat,  WhatsApp, what-have-you — is that they’re temporary posts; they disappear after 24 hours. More often than not, they’re visible to a general audience; they are, in effect, a broadcast to anyone who chooses to view it. Some folks use them for amusing images or posts that they don’t feel like having up for posterity. Some use them as a form of advertising; many Stories get higher engagement than typical posts on social media. NOBODY — and I mean nobody — uses them to broadcast their desire to get f

ked by a stranger. Even when camgirls, lewd cosplayers, strippers and porn stars say things like “would you like to do X with me” or “Guess I’m going to need someone to do Y…” they’re not asking people to volunteer to do something in person, they’re advertising their product, whether it’s a cam show, subscribing to their ManyVids or OnlyFans account or joining their Patreon.

So right off the bat, you made an (incredibly) unwarranted assumption that had absolutely no basis in reality. This is doubly the case with someone you don’t actually know. If she was a stranger before you saw her posts, then I can guarantee to you that this wasn’t an invitation for you to ask her to sleep with you.

(And for the record: even sex workers like escorts don’t take randos for clients; there’s almost always a screening process before they’ll book an appointment.)

Your second mistake was actually asking her to f

k you. Even if you had met her on an app like Tinder — an app designed for people to hook up, where the social contract says that people are on there specifically to hook up with folks — going from casual conversation to “so, want to have sex” is going to almost always end with not just a “no” but a “What The Hell Is Wrong With You”? Even people who are interested in casual sex and/or hooking up with strangers aren’t going to appreciate someone acting like sex is a foregone conclusion, particularly if they haven’t shown any interest. Most folks are going to want to talk, flirt, establish some mutual chemistry and meet in person before they’re going to decide if they’re down to clown. A dude who leaps straight to “So, how about it?” is signaling that, under the best of circumstances, he has very poor social and emotional intelligence. At worst, it’s an indicator that he only sees her as a sex toy, a conveniently mobile, human-shaped Fleshlight.

If there had been some actual interest, some flirting and actual signs of attraction (NOT a WhatsApp post that’s visible to everyone), then maybe there would be a window for discussing whether or not you two were gonna get together. But there wasn’t. So yes, your proposal was profoundly offensive and her blocking you was the right decision.

Your third mistake was chasing down her Instagram account. Here’s where you went from rude-but-possibly-just-clueless to full Creeper territory: you didn’t take “f

k off” for an answer. Her blocking you on WhatsApp was her final word on the subject. It was “Not just no but HELL NO”, with no room for misunderstanding or misinterpretation. By finding her Instagram and then messaging her there, you were telling her that you weren’t willing to accept her refusal. It doesn’t matter that your (initial) intent was to apologize; she had made it very clear by blocking you that she didn’t want to ever hear from you again. You very decided to ignore her very clear boundary. The fact that you wanted to apologize in no way obligates her to accept your apology or even listen to it. The only thing you could do is take the L and move on.

But good God damn Sonny-Jim, you decided to really take the taco with your next mistake. Because your fourth mistake was mind blowing in the “what — and I can’t stress this enough — the F

k” -edness of it all. The fact that you went from apologizing (that she didn’t want to hear) to “But how about that blowjob?” tells her that not only do you not understand what you did wrong, but you repeat the exact same behavior that got you blocked in the first place. 

Your being an open-minded person has nothing to do with any of it. Asking “So, how about f

king me, yes or no” isn’t somehow better because you had that “yes or no?” on there. And I’m sorry, you weren’t willing to abide by her decision because you didn’t f

king listen the first time when she blocked you. Your getting blocked was her telling you “no”. It was “No, never, not on your life, go the f

k away and never ever talk to me again”. Which you promptly ignored by tracking her down on a different social media account and asking her again.

So yes, you were harassing her. Yes, you were incredibly inappropriate, Jesus tap-dancing suffering f

k. The fact that you don’t see this is actually far more concerning than the fact that you did it in the first place.

You need to take several steps back from dating and put all of your effort on learning social norms and understanding how to read the room. Until you do, and until you understand every mistake you made in sequence, you really shouldn’t be trying to date or get laid. The best you can expect until then is a string of creeped out and pissed of women and their friends wondering what the hell you were thinking.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com