DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 81, and I’m not exactly sure when this problem began, but some people always seem to be looking for slights from others. I am sure they can always find something, but I believe it is the source of much unhappiness.

We invited people to dinner whose company we enjoyed. We sent wedding gifts, birthday gifts and Christmas gifts to people we liked, if we found something we thought they would like.

Did they reciprocate? I don’t know. I'm sure many did, but I have no idea who didn’t, and I couldn't care less. I enjoyed doing it, and that was my reward. If we enjoyed someone’s presence, then that was the reciprocity.

I assume they would have declined our invitation if they didn’t enjoy our company as well. I am not a mind reader, so I can’t determine what reason someone might have for not reciprocating. And I suppose I was too busy enjoying my life to try to keep score.

I think having expectations of how others may respond to anything, and issuing invitations with expectations attached, can only lead to disappointment.

GENTLE READER: By all means, continue to enjoy your life. Miss Manners will not stop you. In general, she agrees that people are too quick to look for slights.

But feeling appreciated for kind gestures and hoping that invitations will be reciprocated is not a new, unusual or irrational problem. Too much one-sidedness can deplete both enthusiasm and resources -- and wanting a roughly reciprocal relationship is not unreasonable.

So continue your blissful and altruistic existence, but in doing so, please be patient with those you deem less enlightened -- the ones who like to know if their generosity was appreciated (or received at all). They are not the problem.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A tenured colleague routinely solicits the faculty to contribute to group gifts. This colleague sends the requests not only to those of us with tenure, but also to subordinates whose jobs are dependent on the approval of tenured faculty members (including the solicitor).

My colleague’s email solicitation "suggests" the amount to be contributed ($50 for a gift, for example) and asks that contributions not be made anonymously. The email states that the sender wants to be able to “confirm” the contribution.

Those of us with tenure can safely ignore the requests or simply make anonymous contributions, but those without job protection do not share that luxury. Is there a way around this conundrum?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Tell your colleague to stop it.

Forgive Miss Manners for stating the obvious, but as you are a colleague and not a subordinate, you are in a position to be able to appeal to this person's sense of equity.

Forcing people who work for you to give you and others presents is unethical. Appeal to your colleague’s better instincts as an educator and discourage this practice immediately.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is the proper time to attach an anniversary band to your wife’s wedding band?

GENTLE READER: While you are still married.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m hosting a party with my best friend. We used a social networking site as our form of invitations; it’s a really informal event. My best friend’s ex-girlfriend saw it and has invited herself to the party. She said, “I saw that you forgot to add me so I added myself.”

I don’t want her at the party. There is a lot of bad history with her, simply because she creates drama. In the past, she has cried, fainted and even told others that she is contemplating suicide just to get attention.

Ever since my best friend ended things with her, she has been showing up at events that she wasn’t invited to, throwing herself at him (and other men) in sad attempts to win him back.

If she shows up at the party, she will create such tension that it will be ruined. How do I politely tell her that she is not welcome, and what do I do if she shows up anyway?

GENTLE READER: What does your best friend have to say about all this? It is not that Miss Manners mistrusts your intentions, but you are doing an awful lot of thinking and fretting on his behalf.

The problem with posting events on social media is that other people see them -- and either assume that they are invited, feel bad that they were not, or invite themselves. Although it is still impolite for the ex-girlfriend to have done the latter, a less public invitation would have eliminated the situation in the first place.

But here we are. If you can politely tell her that you think the party might be awkward for her -- or better yet, have your best friend do it -- that would be a first step. If she shows up anyway, you (or he) can reiterate. But if all that fails, and the party is in fact ruined, at least you will have learned that there are risks to making invitations visible to all.

Also, whether or not you deem it overly dramatic, if this woman is routinely crying, fainting and threatening her own life, someone should check on her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every year for our birthdays, my husband and I receive a gift from a business associate. Previously, it was a small package of gourmet cookies. This past year, we each received very gooey caramels, which we cannot eat. We are in our 80s and have all our teeth -- along with pricey dental work.

How can we let them know their thoughts are appreciated, but we can’t eat the gift without hurting their feelings?

GENTLE READER: By saying “thank you” and then quietly passing the candy along to people with less pricey teeth.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter pushes food onto her fork with her index finger. Is it polite to use your knife for this purpose? Peas, for instance, are hard to eat with just a fork or spoon.

GENTLE READER: How old is your daughter? If she is under 5, Miss Manners will allow her to use a spoon on a non-precedential basis. But any older than that, and she will have to learn to chase them around with a fork like everybody else.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After asking my dinner guests not to bring any dishes, some still do. My question is what do do when Person A shows up with a dish, and Person B -- lovely, lovely Person B, who was polite and kind enough to take me at my word -- sees the exchange.

Person B invariably gets embarrassed and asks if they should have brought something. I usually say, “Oh, no! This is not a potluck. Person A just had a dish she really wanted to share.”

But inside, I am screaming, “No, Person B, you have manners -- unlike this completely overbearing person!”

The problem is that B is never comfortable with my answer, even if I talk to them later and explain what happened. It's a very awkward situation.

I’m not worried about getting through to Person A; they’re a lost cause. But how do I make things right for B, who is absolutely a dream dinner guest?

GENTLE READER: Short of dropping Person A’s dish on Person A’s foot, the way to demonstrate to Person B that they were correct to take you at your word is to go about your evening.

When you speak to Person B alone, add that you are most grateful for the courtesy of being listened to. Miss Manners is sure that that, coupled with your evident passion on the subject, will leave Person B in no doubt as to how you truly feel.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were informed of a friend’s daughter’s wedding plans recently, and were surprised when the formal invitation stated “black tie optional.”

The black tie notation was a double whammy for us, as we are a gay male couple. We have no intention of purchasing or renting tuxedos for this event, so the issue is whether to attend it at all.

My partner says that he would be comfortable wearing a black suit, and that the hosts and the bridal couple would also be fine with that, as black tie is merely optional. He also notes that what passes for "black tie" these days looks very much like an ordinary black suit with a few shiny bits and a black necktie, so we wouldn’t stand out much.

I maintain that “optional” means “requested,” and that the real instruction is, "Black tie is expected so that you can contribute to the atmosphere we are attempting to create. If you attend less formally attired, we will be disappointed and perhaps miffed, but you won’t be barred at the door.”

I am inclined to decline the invitation for fear of irking the hosts, who tend to be rather formal anyway, and so as not to disrespect the bridal couple, who clearly want the guests to help them create an effect on their special day.

Am I interpreting things correctly, or should I accept “optional” at face value?

GENTLE READER: Your partner is right about what passes for black tie these days. And while you each perfectly define a competing meaning of “black tie optional” in current use, Miss Manners does not know the happy couple, and therefore cannot say which applies.

She would take “optional” seriously.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)