DEAR MISS MANNERS: After asking my dinner guests not to bring any dishes, some still do. My question is what do do when Person A shows up with a dish, and Person B -- lovely, lovely Person B, who was polite and kind enough to take me at my word -- sees the exchange.

Person B invariably gets embarrassed and asks if they should have brought something. I usually say, “Oh, no! This is not a potluck. Person A just had a dish she really wanted to share.”

But inside, I am screaming, “No, Person B, you have manners -- unlike this completely overbearing person!”

The problem is that B is never comfortable with my answer, even if I talk to them later and explain what happened. It's a very awkward situation.

I’m not worried about getting through to Person A; they’re a lost cause. But how do I make things right for B, who is absolutely a dream dinner guest?

GENTLE READER: Short of dropping Person A’s dish on Person A’s foot, the way to demonstrate to Person B that they were correct to take you at your word is to go about your evening.

When you speak to Person B alone, add that you are most grateful for the courtesy of being listened to. Miss Manners is sure that that, coupled with your evident passion on the subject, will leave Person B in no doubt as to how you truly feel.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were informed of a friend’s daughter’s wedding plans recently, and were surprised when the formal invitation stated “black tie optional.”

The black tie notation was a double whammy for us, as we are a gay male couple. We have no intention of purchasing or renting tuxedos for this event, so the issue is whether to attend it at all.

My partner says that he would be comfortable wearing a black suit, and that the hosts and the bridal couple would also be fine with that, as black tie is merely optional. He also notes that what passes for "black tie" these days looks very much like an ordinary black suit with a few shiny bits and a black necktie, so we wouldn’t stand out much.

I maintain that “optional” means “requested,” and that the real instruction is, "Black tie is expected so that you can contribute to the atmosphere we are attempting to create. If you attend less formally attired, we will be disappointed and perhaps miffed, but you won’t be barred at the door.”

I am inclined to decline the invitation for fear of irking the hosts, who tend to be rather formal anyway, and so as not to disrespect the bridal couple, who clearly want the guests to help them create an effect on their special day.

Am I interpreting things correctly, or should I accept “optional” at face value?

GENTLE READER: Your partner is right about what passes for black tie these days. And while you each perfectly define a competing meaning of “black tie optional” in current use, Miss Manners does not know the happy couple, and therefore cannot say which applies.

She would take “optional” seriously.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a fast-food restaurant, in which we only go by our first names.

Often, when customers decide that I am the cause of whatever is not going their way, they ask me for my name. My first name is clearly spelled out on my name tag, but I always say it for them anyway, as it is difficult to pronounce. It is an unusual name, and no one else in the store has it.

However, they also often ask for my last name, which I decline to give them. I don’t feel that it is any of their business. I just politely tell them that I don’t give out my last name. Often, they take this as rudeness on my part.

Am I in the wrong?

GENTLE READER: The reason stores use first names -- or first names and last initials -- on name tags is to balance two reasonable, but competing, requirements.

A customer is entitled to lodge a legitimate complaint through normal channels about inadequate performance by a salesperson. So the tag has to give enough information to uniquely identify the alleged offender.

But the salesperson also has to be protected against illegitimate complaints or unwarranted approaches outside of normal channels. This is why name tags do not include a full name, which could be used to look up and harass the salesperson away from the store.

From your letter's calm tone, Miss Manners likes to think that it is the complainant who is being unreasonable. But she nevertheless suggests you give this answer: “I am sorry that you are dissatisfied, but you do not need my last name to identify me to management. If you want to lodge a formal complaint against me, just give my first name and the time of my shift. I assure you that they will know how to find me.”

This response appeals to Miss Manners both for its politeness and because it calls out the customer's attempt to intimidate.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While I have many friends, I enjoy traveling and dining by myself on occasion. When I ask for a table for one, the response is usually, “Are you all by yourself?” Or, “Are you waiting for someone?”

Then I am offered a seat at the bar, or a table near the restroom or kitchen door, which I decline. Once seated, it’s the same: “Is it just you?” Or, “Do you want to wait for someone before ordering?”

Is there a polite response to this, other than saying, “I’m all alone; isn’t that sad and pathetic?”

GENTLE READER: As the recipient of Gentle Readers’ mail, Miss Manners is all too aware of the deluge of rudeness in the modern world. But the transgressions of waitstaff -- who live in hope of generous tips -- usually take the form of ill-judged humor, not intentional put-downs.

The subtext you infer is most likely not intended to suggest that you are unpopular, but only to know the size of your party. This merits nothing more than saying you prefer a table elsewhere, and noting when you are ready to place your order.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: People want to feel loved and cherished. An invitation to share a meal in your home is a special example. So when dinner guests ask me what they can bring, I tell them something specific: “Oh, I would love some pink peonies. Those would be so beautiful.” Or I might request a bottle of maple syrup, or a recipe card for the wonderful cookies the guest baked on a previous visit.

Offering these suggestions lets your friends love you back.

GENTLE READER: Please do not make the idea of bringing something -- or, as it is now phrased, "not showing up empty-handed" -- more of a chore than it already is.

Miss Manners pictures your guests, looking forward to a pleasant evening with you, being confronted with your suggestions.

“Pink peonies?” they say in despair. “Where in the world are we supposed to find those? Even if there’s a florist open, they’re not likely to have those on hand." Or: "Maple syrup? We could stop at the grocery store on the way, but they probably expect some kind of gourmet version." Or: "What cookie recipe? Maybe they're thinking of those cookies that Aunt Lucy sent us, and I didn’t correct their assumption that I’d baked them. How do I know what the recipe was?"

Miss Manners would not describe this as making someone feel loved.

It is not the job of hosts to dictate any presents the guests may bring. And bringing something is not an easy job for the guests. Many used to bring flowers or chocolates, but would now risk running into allergies and diets, so they bring wine instead -- to the annoyance of hosts who do not drink.

Miss Manners only wishes everyone would calm down. A token present is fine, but the real show of appreciation from a guest is responding to the invitation immediately, engaging other guests in friendly conversation, thanking the host and reciprocating soon.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year, our son married his longtime girlfriend in a lovely ceremony followed by a large reception.

This year, they’re planning an even bigger party. This next party is somehow about their wedding -- but we already had the wedding!

I’m finding it difficult to be enthusiastic about attending a party when I don’t know what I’m celebrating. To have a second celebration seems to make the first one less meaningful.

Of course I can decline with a simple "no, thank you," but I would like to hear your comments.

GENTLE READER: Would you feel better if they called it an anniversary party?

In today’s casual world, it puzzles Miss Manners that people seem to think a wedding is the only formal event they are entitled to throw or attend -- unless they are up for an entertainment award.

People crave a bit of formality, if only for a rare change from near-universal grunge. Thus the urge to have multiple weddings -- if not multiple marriages.

Boycotting this event would be a hostile move. Are you not in a position to have a gentle conversation with the couple, in which you support their idea but discuss modifying it? Calling it an anniversary party would make it their first big attempt at entertaining, instead of a wedding rerun.

Then again, perhaps they should not call it that. Surely they don’t want their friends thinking, “Do we have to give them presents AGAIN?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)