DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a choking incident at the office today when I inhaled a cherry tomato.

One of my direct reports did the Heimlich maneuver and helped loosen it, and then one of the guys from another department joined in to keep the tomato moving. As I recovered, a secretary from down the hall put a cold compress on my neck and forehead.

I want to thank them, but don’t quite know the right thing to do. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Ummm ... Thank them?

Whether you do it in person or in a letter is up to you. But constantly bringing it up in meetings and office parties, telling everyone that these people are national heroes who saved your life, Miss Manners thinks, would be the best way of all.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the last decade, I lost my mobility and now use a wheelchair. The family of my partner still invites both of us to family events at their home, even though it is inaccessible to me. They are aware that while I used to be able to walk up the steps to their home and navigate spaces without the wheelchair, I am no longer able to.

I can’t figure out if they still invite me so I know they aren’t trying to exclude me, or if they think that if I only tried hard enough, I could change the medical issues that make the wheelchair a necessity.

I am struggling with how to feel. I thought that your insight would be helpful on how to treat invitations from friends who know that you cannot access the space they are inviting you to.

GENTLE READER: Well ... You could presume that they are not trying to subliminally insult you, and just ask if there is another way to access their house.

Miss Manners is not trying to insult you herself. She just thinks that if you assume the best, you may also be able to solve the problem. Or not. But at least this way, you will have alerted them to the fact that there is one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If someone donates to an online campaign to finance an expensive, but potentially life-saving, surgery for an acquaintance, friend or family member, and then -- while the beneficiary is under the knife -- he at last receives approval from his health insurer for coverage of the surgery, which had until then been denied, is it good manners, or even ethical, for the beneficiary to donate the campaign donations to a nonprofit of their choosing? Even if the beneficiary has mentioned in his plea for funds that any extra would go to said nonprofit?

GENTLE READER: Well, he did warn you.

The scrutiny of any future requests, Miss Manners believes, is what will really hurt him -- and the rest of your circle -- the next time a lifesaving surgery is needed.

If your rightful indignation will allow you to say it politely, you could mention this to him. Just be prepared for pushback and the assurance that the money will go not only toward his worthy nonprofit, but also for his recovery. Which you can then only hope does not take place at a lavish seaside resort.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a store with narrow aisles. I turned down an aisle that had two women with carts. The first woman I encountered completely ignored me, so I gently pushed my cart past. The second woman was older, in her 60s or 70s, and asked if I would like to get through.

Thinking she was being courteous, I smiled and said, “Yes, please!” Her response caught me off guard: She said, “Use your words.”

I froze, shocked, because this is the exact phrase my dad used with me as a child. So she repeated “Use your words” again.

Miss Manners, I am a grown woman in my mid-30s who was being talked down to like a child. So my smile faded and I said, “You’re not my mom,” then walked past her.

When I reached the end of the aisle, she called out after me to call me a “brat,” and I looked back and said, “Well, I can’t imagine how yours turned out!”

Given the situation, how could I have better handled myself with this condescending woman while maintaining dignity?

GENTLE READER: Literally any other way.

It is hard to take your argument seriously -- that you are a grown woman and not a child -- when you just threw a tantrum in a grocery store.

Miss Manners grants you that the other shopper started it. But being an adult means not taking the bait when someone else is rude to you. And yelling “You are not my mom!” is not the rousing argument you thought it was.

Next time, bypass the offender’s admonishment and say tightly, “Thank you for moving.” Or ignore her completely. Adults do so hate the silent treatment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I lent my friend an outfit and cardigan to wear to a wedding. Despite not wearing the cardigan, she washed it before returning it. As a result, it was ruined.

I didn’t ask her not to wash it, and she didn’t ask me if she should (or how). She’s offered to pay for it, but it cost a lot more than she’s used to paying for her clothes, so I feel bad that she’s stuck paying for something she had no idea was expensive.

What is the laundry etiquette in cases like this? Should I have told her to return it unwashed? Should she have asked how I would like it returned? Do I have her reimburse me for it, or is it just water under the bridge?

She’s a good friend and I don’t want to lose her over this, but I admit I am feeling resentful.

GENTLE READER: There was no good way to have prevented this. If you had told her the sweater was dry-clean only, you would be presuming that she was going to pay to clean it -- which is the right thing to do, but not strictly required.

Miss Manners recommends that you let this go for the sake of the friendship and next time, do not lend things that are expensive, delicate or irreplaceable. Those are borrowing circumstances that do indeed lend themselves to resentment.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I frequently attend team lunches and dinners with my immediate department members, both supervisors and associates. These dining experiences are mostly personal affairs and come after a week of hard teamwork.

We work in an industry where we will be in one location for a few months, and then move on to another city. We all get along and have each other’s back.

But here is the problem: There are two members of our team who are in their 20s, and they both have the worst table manners! They set their bread on the bare table, as well as any soiled cutlery. They cut up their entire meal into tiny pieces like they are toddlers. I could go on, but you get the idea.

These are nice young women! They are college-educated. Each one complains that they never get a second date after dining at a nice restaurant, and I understand why.

I am well aware it is not my duty to advise them of how to butter a dinner roll. But I feel sorry for them and am frequently embarrassed for them. Should I just accept there is nothing any of us can do?

GENTLE READER: Although there is, today, too much blurring of the professional and personal spheres, it was always understood that an otherwise promising mentee who did not know how to speak or behave in polite company would be at a disadvantage in a professional career -- and that a good mentor might have to help make up this deficiency.

Perhaps you can identify a senior member of the team who might act in this more general capacity for these two -- as a professional mentor, that is, knowing that finding opportunities for them to improve their table manners will be only a part of their extracurricular education. This might make a positive difference for their careers -- while not putting anyone in the position of promising that any second dates hinge upon the superior etiquette discernment of 20-something males.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece worked at a well-known retail store in the 1980s. She told me they were required to greet customers because research has shown that people are less likely to steal after a personal exchange. Now I bristle a bit and feel insulted when I am greeted at a store.

GENTLE READER: Rest assured that in a few years, new research will show that the original research was incorrect for any number of reasons. Miss Manners has stopped following the details.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend asked me to join her and a few other people for lunch. This was not something I wanted to do, so I claimed to have conflicts on the first two dates she suggested.

Then she said, “Well, what would be a good day for you?” I said something about just not being sociable, but it didn’t feel very good. What could I have said, short of “never”?

GENTLE READER: “Let me get back to you.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)