DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I really need advice as I cannot figure out how to move forward in my relationship, or if maybe I’m just overreacting. This is my first relationship and I’m really confused on what to do.

After more than a year together, my boyfriend and I are planning to move in together with his brother in a couple of months. Originally, I was planning to move away since I’m graduating college and received some very cool opportunities, but after meeting him I was willing to put my career aspirations on hold in order to see where our relationship would go. Since he already has a career in this little town, we agreed I’d stay here for a year or so and see how compatible we are living together, then we would go long distance or have him follow me while I pursue my career. My boyfriend lived with his family, but he planned on moving out with me.

Coincidentally, his brother was planning on moving out and invited my boyfriend to live with him. Boyfriend saw this as a great chance for us all to be roommates and save money on rent, while living with two people he loves.

Meanwhile, I am constantly getting into conflicts with his brother before we’ve even moved in together. Brother keeps trying to push for more expensive places that are beyond our budget (we’re talking hundreds of dollars over budget), divide bills in really bizarre unequal ways that are obviously flawed, and seems resistant to coming up with collective rules around cleaning or chores. I have a customer service and social services background so I’m used to handling difficult people, and after laying out some of my basic concerns and communicating directly (but kindly) I thought we had reached an agreement. I’ve also lived with roommates for years, and I’ve never struggled this much to communicate with even the worst ones.

Then I overheard Brother badmouthing me to their mom. My boyfriend heard it too, but shrugged it off. Now it’s like the conversation we had didn’t even happen. We are still having the same issues. I showed some studio apartments we could afford to my boyfriend but he really wants to live with his brother. It’s not just about saving money, he loves his brother. He idolizes how “fair” and reasonable his older brother is. This is honestly making me question my reality, because why are we seeing his behavior in such different ways?

I can’t exactly reverse course now. I have already passed up some very valuable opportunities in order to pursue living with Boyfriend, and we have no other issues in our relationship. But I don’t know what to do. I’ve considered letting them move in together and just moving in nearby… but then what’s even the point of giving up those opportunities just to live nearby?

This is my first relationship so I’m not sure if this is one of those things you just suck up to maintain the relationship. I know many people that just do whatever they can to maintain peace with their partner’s family, and I don’t want to make my partner choose between me and his family. I think that would be very unfair to him. I also don’t want him to think I’m some kind of villain constantly picking fights with his “awesome” big brother.

Thanks,

Three’s A Crowd.

DEAR THREE’S A CROWD: Hoo boy. I will be honest, TAC, I’m tempted to say “move out” and call it a day, but I think this deserves more of a breakdown to explain why this is a problem.

The first thing I will say is that I think that you really should’ve done things in reverse order; you should have decided to be long-distance so you could pursue these opportunities and then see where you and your boyfriend were in your relationship. It would be just as easy for you to go pursue those options for a year and see where you both were and see if it makes sense for him to come join you or for you to move back if need be. Yeah, that can put a strain on the relationship… but it would be a far easier exchange to make, and one that’s easier to undo than giving up those opportunities for good.

I don’t think you needed to do a test run of whether you work as a long-term, cohabitating couple, and certainly not like this. You’ve been together for a year now; you should already have had opportunities to see how compatible you were when it came to living together. As it is… I’m seeing signs that maybe you’re not. And one of the biggest signs is how he’s handling conflicts cropping up between roommates who haven’t even moved in together yet.

Except the problem doesn’t seem to be about handling conflict, so much as the consideration he’s giving you and what you’ve been willing to do, versus the consideration he’s willing to give to his brother.

This is a rare occasion when your boyfriend brushing off the way his brother was s--t-talking you to their mother isn’t the reddest flag here. That’s honestly more of an indication of other, more significant problems. The way that he’s not giving any pushback to his brother is what’s setting off my Spidey-sense, frankly, and this strikes me as an indication of a fundamental disconnect that’s going to create more and more problems down the line. It’s not just a question of picking a side or who he should be more loyal to (which is not a topic worth getting into here); it’s a matter of how much your boyfriend is going to allow his bro to steamroll everything, and the effects these will have on you.

The fact that his bro keeps suggesting places that break your budget is just one example. This isn’t some minor inconvenience; more money going to rent is money you don’t have for other parts of your budget, and that has a tendency to snowball. It’s especially going to be a problem when it gets mixed in with the ways he’s suggesting that you split bills and utilities; you’re already out of pocket for the difference in rent, how much more are his “suggestions” going to end up costing you?

At the same time, there doesn’t seem to be an acknowledgement on your boyfriend’s part of the sacrifices you’ve made to stay and move in with him. While I don’t think that’s something that should be hanging over every decision and compromise the three of you make, I do think that should be giving weight to some of the decisions that need to be made here. Especially if you’re going to be taking a de facto pay cut and the potential hit to your future career by passing on those opportunities. That, to my mind, should make staying within budget and keeping costs divided fairly more of a priority and consideration.

It should also mean having a serious discussion about why his brother’s suggestions are clearly unworkable and what a better and fairer alternative would be. But based on what you’ve said so far, it sounds like this is a topic that your boyfriend isn’t willing to bring up or be part of.

The way his brother’s getting a pass on the chores is another symptom that points to a deeper issue. Living with other people is being part of a community in the micro, and part of what makes a community work is the equitable division of responsibilities and labor. It doesn’t necessarily need to be perfectly equal, but those responsibilities do need to be divided up in ways that make sense and don’t leave anyone feeling like they’re getting shafted. Everyone’s gotta pitch in to one degree or another for the good of the whole. But it also means that you have to be willing to talk about how to divvy things up in ways that make sense.

Now, maybe his brother is the sort of person who wants to wait and see how all of you do things when you’re actually in the living space together. That’s not unreasonable, but having a discussion about the division of responsibilities for now would at least set some baselines around expectations of cleanliness or upkeep, not to mention establishing particular practices.

If I’m being charitable, then I would be willing to say that sometimes this is a matter of having different expectations. Some folks, for example, resent being told they have to do load the dishwasher a particular way, or do the laundry on a specific day rather than on an as-needed basis. But this is where conflict resolution becomes a necessary skill as the three of you discuss how to handle things. If your boyfriend’s brother is the sort of person who has wildly different ideas of what “clean” means or has a particular way he likes to handle the dishes, that’s fine; that’s a thing you all can hash out together. But if he’s just flat out refusing to participate in the discussion or agree to his role in the apartment, that’s another problem that will only continue to grow like a snowball rolling downhill.

The fact that your boyfriend isn’t saying “dude, let’s just nail this down, come on” isn’t helping; if anything, it’s making it worse.

There’s a part of me that wonders what the reason for your boyfriend’s reluctance to push back or advocate for the two of you might be. He clearly loves his brother, so perhaps there’s some level of hero-worship that’s getting in the way. Or maybe the dynamic in their family is that the brother is either so domineering or stubborn that there’s a sense of “it’s easier just to roll with it than make a fuss”. But regardless, it suggests that, when push comes to shove – and it will, because people are always gonna bump up against one another – your boyfriend’s going to fold like wet cardboard. That’s not good in general, but it’s especially not good when this affects you too.

And that’s what ultimately needs to be dealt with, because this is going to be an issue now and in the future.

Here’s the thing: you’ve said that this is your first relationship, and that’s important because this is the first time you’re really going to have to decide what you’re willing to put up with and how you’re willing to let yourself be treated. A relationship is built on mutual respect and compromise and right now, the only person who seems to be compromising is you, and respect doesn’t feel like it’s even in the picture in the first place.

In every relationship, there will be times when someone will be in the position of having to give up something they want in the name of making the relationship work. There will even be times when you need to swallow your pride and go along to get along in the name of keeping the peace – whether with family or others.

But those compromises need to be mutual, not just one person always having to give way to the other. As I said about the division of responsibilities, it doesn’t need to be perfectly equal but it does need to be equitable. And this isn’t.

Thus far, the only person who has been compromising is you, to the point that you’re about to give up moving in with your boyfriend altogether. If you’re seriously considering moving into something affordable and letting your boyfriend live with his brother, we’re now well past the point of compromise and into setting yourself on fire just to keep other people warm.

People, I should stress, who don’t seem to feel that they should do the same for you.

You have made a very significant sacrifice to be in this relationship, and your boyfriend doesn’t seem to acknowledge that or understand what it means. Thus far, it really feels like living with his brother is a higher priority than his living with you. I don’t want to ascribe intent, because there’s not enough here to really say. Maybe that’s a lack of consideration, maybe it’s self-centeredness, maybe that’s a sign that he doesn’t value you as much as he values his relationship with his brother. But the important part isn’t the intent, it’s the action. Intent isn’t magical; he may not mean to be inconsiderate or disrespectful but that doesn’t change the effect the actions have on you.

I’m not going to say that you should dump your boyfriend over this immediately, but I will say that this doesn’t bode well for the longevity of your relationship. What I think is more significant is that this is going to be an inflection point for you, that’s going to shape how your relationships go, both now and in the future: how much are you willing to give up in order to make a relationship work before you’re willing to say “enough”? How much are you willing to advocate for yourself when nobody else is willing to, especially someone you’re dating? Is this relationship so good that you’re willing to tolerate this seeming disregard?

My advice, if you want to give this a chance, is to stand up for yourself now and make it clear to your boyfriend that you’ve already given up a lot in order to be with him. If he’s not willing to honor your sacrifices and find ways to make those sacrifices mean something, then – as you said – what even was the point?

How he responds is going to tell you a lot about what you should do next.

If I’m going to be perfectly honest, I think you should see if there’s any chance of pursuing those opportunities you’ve passed up, or if there are others that are equally as good – even if they mean moving away… and possibly leaving this relationship behind.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been dating “Jacob” for a year and three months now after we met on Hinge. I know it’s early, but this has been possibly the best relationship I’ve had in years, possibly ever. I took a break from dating after a string of boyfriends who lead me on, cheated on me, gaslit me or just treated me like crap and then on a whim, I checked my profile and saw his message and we just clicked. Jacob has been the sweetest, gentlest and most considerate boyfriend I’ve ever had. He makes me laugh, he remembers little things I mention I like, he makes an effort to learn about the things I like because he wants to know me better. 

But almost all of my friends insist that I could “do better,” or that I shouldn’t be with him at all. At first, my friends were supportive, but the longer Jacob and I’ve been together, the more they have started to tell me that they don’t like him. They say that they could understand why I might want a rebound or something different from my last boyfriend, but that he’s not in “my league” and I’m wasting my time on him.

I will be the first to tell people that Jacob’s not typically handsome. He’s a little shorter than I am, he doesn’t have a gym body or movie star looks. If anything, he’s got a bit of a belly. He’s got some acne scars on his cheeks and his face is a little pudgy and he already has a widow’s peak where his hairline has been receding. He’s not rich, but he does well for himself doing tech support and repair at his job. I honestly don’t care. I think he’s incredibly hot, and I love that he’s so at east with himself. The only way I can describe it is that he knows who he is and likes who he is and that is so different from so many of the other guys I’ve dated before. 

He has a smile that makes my heart flutter and he can give me a look that makes me melt inside. He makes me laugh like nobody else does and he seems to know when I want him to do something or when I want him to just listen to me when I’ve got a headache and I’m stressed from work. When I come home and it’s been a bad day, I know he’s going to be waiting with a glass of wine and that comforting smile of his and then he’ll tell me dirty jokes until I can’t breathe and I forget everything that was bothering me.

My problem is that while I know my friends are telling me how they feel from a place of love, hearing the same doubts over and over has started to make me question my choices. Most of the time I can brush their comments off but there are still times I wonder if they’re right and I hate myself when I feel that way.

How do I tell the difference between outside perspective that’s meant to protect me and what’s just noise? How much weight should I give to the opinions of people who care about me, when my own experience of this relationship is so different from what they say?

I don’t want to ignore red flags—but I also don’t want to betray my own heart just to meet someone else’s idea of what I “should” want. What do I say to my friends about this? Do I give them a chance to get to know Jacob the way I do? Do I tell them to shut up and let me live my life? Is there a possibility that they’re right? Please help.

Cupid’s Last Shot

DEAR CUPID’S LAST SHOT: This one’s easy, CLS: you need better friends.

Just because something comes from a place of love or concern that doesn’t mean that it’s good or even necessarily in your best interests. This is especially true when your “friends” (and I use the term loosely) are ignoring that you’re happy and in a loving and caring relationship and are instead, s--tting all over someone you care about from a great height because… well, because.

Now, I am presuming that your friends know the broad brushstrokes of your relationship history, and how so many of your classic-looking Prince Charmings weren’t even frogs in disguise (because frogs are often adorable) but were, in fact mostly ambulatory slime mold and the occasional snapping turtle. The fact that you’re with someone who treats you well and makes you happy should matter to them far more than perfectly sculpted cheekbones and an ass you could bounce quarters off of. You did what so many people should do: you realized that your usual “type” was, in fact, more about repeating negative cycles and so you decided to take steps to break that cycle. You found a guy who’s not like the other dudes you’ve dated, not just in looks but in behavior and attitude and realized you found a winner. Face it, Tigress, you hit the jackpot.

So why aren’t your friends happier for you?

Well… possibly because they’re more invested in the aesthetic than the reality of it all. Some people are that shallow and prefer partners who are more decorative than substantive. God knows there are people who think it’s better to fit into a particular mold and meet certain looks than to be, y’know, happy and fulfilled.

Or it’s possible that your breaking the cycle threatens them in some way. The reason why people in our lives may give push-back when we’ve made positive changes is that staying the way we used to be – even though it affects us negatively – is that your former status-quo benefits them. Toxic “friends” may prefer that you stay miserable because it gives them leverage over you, or keeps you around so that you fill a role for them. Frenemies love having someone to kick around; trying to get away from them angers them because how dare you try to have a life outside of your use to them?

Now, it’s possible – unlikely, but possible – that they simply haven’t gotten to know Jacob and only see you dating someone who isn’t as aesthetically similar. If they think you’re dating someone to get your ego back in shape, someone that you can be “in charge” of because you’re hotter or what-have-you… well, I could understand the concern. It’s sketchy as f--k that their objection isn’t that you’re using a person as an ego-fluffer but that you’ve stayed with the ego-fluffer for too long, but I could understand it. A little. If I squint. It’s still not cool, but I could understand it.

So, if they haven’t had a chance to see how happy Jacob makes you, I’d suggest arranging a get-together or double date and see if that changes their minds. But if they have and still think he’s not worth your time… well, that’s when you may want to consider if your friends are in “your league”.

Because from where I stand? They aren’t.

Good luck. 

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need help not f--king up my relationship the way I have before. Every time I’ve been with someone, my anxiety rages out of control and I act out and either my girlfriend breaks up with me because shes tired of putting up with me or I end up pushing her away.

I’m with “Charlotte” and I love her madly, even though it hasn’t been very long. She’s kind, supportive, incredibly smart and talented, caring and loving and has never given me a real reason to doubt how she feels about me. I know part of the problem is that I know she’s out of my league, and I’ve watched guys hit on her while I’m with her. That makes things worse because we’re a classic introvert extrovert couple. She’s close with her friends and loves to go out to dinner or see movies or go see bands play, while I like quiet nights at home or at a friend’s house playing boardgames or watching movies. I just don’t like loud bars or crowded events, they make me incredibly uncomfortable. But I know Charlotte loves them and I don’t want her to feel held back by me, so I always tell her I’m ok when she has plans to go out with her friends. But then I spiral and get anxious when she doesn’t respond to my texts right away or takes longer than usual to reply.

It’s not just when she’s out without me though, it’s all the time. If we’re texting during the week and she replies three or four hours later, my mind starts filling in the blanks. I start thinking that she’s upset with me, maybe I said something wrong, she’s losing interest and she’s pulling away. I check my phone, I reread messages, I check her socials to try to confirm things. I become a mess until I hear back and it’s like a knot unties and I feel relief until the next time it happens.

I need to be real here, I know this is my problem, not hers. She’s shot down guys who hit on her, her friends are completely trustworthy and I like them too. I just can never shake the fear that she’s about to get tired of dealing with me and my crap and that’s going to be the end of it.

I don’t want her to be my therapist or make her feel like she has to keep telling me that it’s ok. I know how that ends, because it’s happened before.  I also don’t want to keep living in this anxious loop where my mood depends on how quickly someone texts me back. I recognize that this is my problem and it’s not rational, but knowing that hasn’t made it easier to stop.

I need to make this stop because this is why my past relationships fell apart. Are there practical ways to calm my anxiety in the moment and retrain my brain not to interpret silence as rejection? And how do I communicate about this — if at all — without making my anxiety her responsibility?

Sincerely,�Hanging By The Telephone

DEAR HANGING BY THE TELEPHONE: So, there’re a couple of things to work with, HBTT, but before we get to them, I want to ask you a question: have you ever been tested for ADHD or autism? I ask because the doom spiral you mention sounds a lot like rejection-sensitive dysphoria, which is often co-morbid with neurodivergence. With RSD, the sorts of worries of being rejected that everyone experiences on occasion not only become more frequent but get dialed up to 11 before snapping the knob off. The sort of unreasonable and uncomfortable roads your brain goes down are precisely the same things I struggled with before getting my ADHD diagnosis and starting treatment. It may well be worth your time to talk to someone about the possibility of getting tested.

Now admittedly this sounds like it could also be a symptom of an anxious attachment style, where you don’t feel secure or safe in your relationships. That is also something that can be managed, but it requires time, patience and working with a counselor or therapist. While that’s not necessarily going to help in the short term, I do think that’s something you should look into.

But hey, that’s not going to help when it’s Saturday night and the anxiety weasels in your brain have done a couple bumps and they’re ready to party like they’ve made a warlock pact with their patron Andrew WK, firing off eldritch blasts straight into your panic centers.

The first thing that is going to help is to understand that you don’t need to force these feelings away when they come up. What you do need to do is simply hold tight and lock your s--t down until the moment passes. Because it will pass. The thing we often never realize is that it’s hard to feel a specific emotion for very long; on their own, moments of strong emotion tend to pass after about 90 seconds or so. It’s when we focus on those feelings that they hang around like someone trying to sell you on a roof inspection you don’t need. When you are focusing on those feelings, even when you’re trying to make them go away, you’re giving bandwidth to it, feeding it with the limited resources of your attention. You’re making those feelings stay front and present in your mind, which forces you to pay attention to them, dwell on them and give them fuel.

So instead, you want to starve those feelings by making sure you have other things to focus your attention on. The easiest way to do this is to have things that require your attention and focus, but in such a way that it’s easy to lose yourself in the process. Personally, I recommend games or puzzles that engage analytical thinking. Tetris is a great choice for this – the deceptively simple and repetitive nature of the game makes it addictive and easy to focus on, but still requires you actually pay attention as you line up shapes, plan how you’ll complete lines and fill in the inevitable gaps, canyons and imperfect solutions. You could also play logic puzzles like Clues By Sam, which require that you piece together increasingly complex layers of conditions to figure out who’s innocent and who’s a criminal. By the time you’ve finished, you’ll realize that the moment’s passed and you’re doing ok.

But here’s another thing that I think you should consider: have you told Charlotte about these anxiety spirals? I realize you have said that this is your problem to solve, but a relationship is a partnership; the whole point is that you’re in these together. While it’s admirable that you’re trying to go this alone, you’re not only making it harder than it needs to be, but you’re also missing an opportunity to set precedent for how the two of you can resolve issues together. Anxiety shared tends to mean feelings spared after all.

The key is in understanding the problem and the need. You get anxious when you haven’t heard from her in a while, but you also don’t want to make her feel like she needs to check in with you like you’re her parole officer. That’s admirable, but that doesn’t mean you have to suffer alone and in silence. In fact, that’s part of why things go badly; the suffering and silence makes things worse and amplifies those uncomfortable feelings until something bursts. So ask Charlotte for some help. After all, Charlotte does care for you. She wouldn’t want you feeling horrible while she’s out having a good time.

So what I would suggest is that you have an Awkward Conversation with Charlotte, where you lay out that you have these anxiety spirals, that you understand the irrational and capricious nature of them and how you’ve been trying to manage them. Then – and this is the critical part – ask for her thoughts and suggestions on what sort of support might help or how the two of you could make things a little easier. There are a number of ways that the two of you could solve this dilemma that don’t impinge unfairly on her time or energy, many of which are simply about setting expectations or making a minor change in how you go about things.

Signing off a text with “have to focus on work, talk later when I’m free,” for example, instead of just trailing off until she can respond makes it clear what’s happening: she’s busy and she’ll get back to you when she’s free to text again. It’s setting an expectation in your brain that everything’s fine and you know you’ll be hearing from her later. It’s a small thing, but it can go a long way towards settling those anxiety weasels down like you dropped a little valerian root in their water bottles.

The same with when she’s out. She doesn’t need to check in with you, but a quick “hey, having a good time, probably heading home around $TIME, xoxo” or “Just wanted to say ‘good night’, see you on $DAY,” can likewise make it easier to accept that everything’s fine, which helps break that doomloop in your brain. It sets up a reminder that you’re going to hear from her or see her in the near future and all is well. 

These sorts of gestures of support are helpful; they aren’t impinging on her freedom or making her spending time with friends conditional on your emotional state. They’re just very simple check-ins that help remind you that everything’s fine and give your brain something to chew on instead of increasingly baroque “what-if” scenarios. They’re quick reminders that she loves and cares for you without requiring serious investment of effort, energy or time.

And hey, once you get in the habit of saying “let’s collaborate on how we can support each other or address this need”, it gets much easier for the two of you to deal with all the other frustrating things that come up in every relationship. It reminds you that you’re both on the same team and that supporting each other makes the entire relationship that much stronger.

So have that conversation, open those paths of collaboration… and maybe invest in a copy of Tetris Effect or Stardew Valley or something in the short term, while looking at addressing the anxiety itself with a professional in the long-term. It’ll make everything a hell of a lot better.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com