DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents invited my family over for New Year’s Day to celebrate. As I like to cook, I prepared two entrees to be reheated when we got there. I put in time and effort to prepare a meal they would enjoy. My parents were going to make some pasta and also picked up bread.

Upon our arrival at their house, my mother took out some leftovers to heat up. The leftovers were from a restaurant where they'd eaten the night before, on New Year’s Eve. Not only that, she offered her leftovers for everyone to sample.

I was slightly offended, as I had just prepared all of this food for them. My mother’s argument was that her leftovers would not hold till the next day. My mother still does not think she was wrong in this; I feel that it was rude.

GENTLE READER: Perhaps this is how she defines “family style”?

Yes, this was inconsiderate, but if it was a dinner for just the family, formal rules are a bit more relaxed. At least she offered samples. And if that was all the rest of the group was getting of her dinner, they still had room for yours.

Rather than harbor anger, Miss Manners suggests that you might take this as gentle teasing. The next time you invite your mother over, tell her, "I will be making duck a l’orange -- unless, of course, you want to bring over any leftover fries you have lying around."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I gave Christmas dinner to two separate neighbors on Christmas Day. It's been a week, and they have not returned the plates. I’m very annoyed at their lack of concern. Do I have a right to be upset?

GENTLE READER: Did you ask for them back? Of course your neighbors should have thought to return them on their own, but if ye do not ask, ye may not receive.

Miss Manners suggests that instead of silently seething, you send them a note asking when would be a convenient time for you to pick up your plates. This is neither impolite nor terribly difficult. You do, after all, know where they live.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like some advice on who should handle an anniversary gift return.

My husband and I received a gift that had been ordered online by our relatives (who live blocks from us). Unfortunately, the item was damaged and needed to be returned. We repackaged the item into the box and planned on giving it back to the family so they could print the return label and drop off the package at a post office or shipping store. But instead, they asked us to do it.

When asked why, they said they “didn’t know how to return an item.” We took care of it, but shouldn't it have been their responsibility?

GENTLE READER: Was it gracious of them? No. But you were already out and about.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend came to a dinner party and brought with her the tin I had given her at Christmas. It had been filled with homemade curried nuts, and she had eaten those and washed out the tin. She apologized for not returning it sooner and left it on my kitchen counter.

Last Christmas, I gave another friend some small packages of fancy store-bought popcorn, which I put in a basket that I’d purchased and decorated especially to be part of that gift. The basket was later returned to me.

I’ve always considered the container -- whether a tin, basket or jar that contains a food item or other small presents -- to be part of the gift. It's intended to be kept or given away by the recipient, but not returned to the giver.

This has happened to me often enough to cause me to wonder if I’m being rude by not returning the containers I receive with gifts. I have always kept them, whether to use in my house or to hold gifts for other people. Should I be returning them?

GENTLE READER: One is expected to return containers that are clearly part of the originating household and are used for ferrying informal gifts -- such as homemade pies or leftovers from family dinners.

Everything else you get to keep, although Miss Manners is still pondering whether Salome should have returned the silver platter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would it be wrong for a church member to ask people to leave the church due to disruptive and inappropriate behavior?

My husband and I very much enjoy the Christmas Eve services at our church, and many guests attend. This year, there was one group of guests that sat in front of us, and I’ve seen kindergartners who were better behaved.

The two women, especially, were disruptive and apparently didn’t know that sound travels. They started pointing at the pastor and giggling and whispering back and forth, obviously making fun of her.

When the choir was singing, the older of these two women started singing along, loudly, while everyone else in the congregation was quietly listening. This went on through the entire service. Toward the end, the older one cupped her hand around the younger one’s ear and whispered something to her. The younger one burst into laughter and she could not gain her composure, laughing loudly and shaking through the remainder of the service!

Even people in her party were looking at her with disgust. I don’t know why they bothered coming if they were going to be their own entertainment. They spoiled the service for that entire section in the congregation.

Would it have been wrong or out of place for me to ask these women to excuse themselves from the service?

GENTLE READER: As this was more than just a case of the church giggles, Miss Manners believes you could have politely asked them to have their talk elsewhere. It sounds like they would have been more than happy to have an excuse to do so.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a company holiday party, one of my colleagues decided not to partake of the wine that was offered. During a round of toasts, she was admonished -- in a good-natured way -- by co-workers, for raising her water glass. They said toasting someone with water is bad luck.

Aside from the luck angle, is there an etiquette rule covering what is in the glass used during a toast?

GENTLE READER: Technically -- a qualifier Miss Manners uses to emphasize that there are more important issues to consider -- technically, tradition does say that you are not supposed to toast with water.

But now the more important issues: First, it is rude to correct another person’s manners. And second, in a work environment, when you may not know every co-worker's personal situation, it is also foolish to draw attention to someone abstaining from alcohol.

Whoever did the admonishing will find that claiming it was good-natured will be of no help to them as a defense for their infractions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my friends endlessly plays with the food she does not want to eat, without ever signaling by the position of her cutlery that she has finished. So all of her fellow diners have to watch her shift the items to and fro, waiting for her to eat them.

Once, a waitress finally asked if she had finished, and my friend was offended by the “impertinent” question.

Since asking if she has finished is not an option, apparently, how can I politely make her stop playing with her food? It is unnerving to watch.

GENTLE READER: Other people seldom behave exactly the way we would wish. However, etiquette strictly limits our ability to correct such annoyances for a very basic reason: We would then have to reciprocate -- and who knows what we are doing that others find irritating.

Miss Manners therefore offers three gentle suggestions. 1. When you are the meal's host, you can offer to clear a plate, simply explaining you were trying to be helpful when caught out. 2. You can disrupt the fidgeting by passing her items such as bread, or by asking if your friend would like to order something else. Or, 3. You can go on with the conversation and try not to notice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a frosty email from an administrator at a performing arts institution where I teach, taxing me with not having responded to an invitation to an event.

In fact, I had tried to respond, but the language and mechanics of the response form were so confusing that it was actually impossible to decline (which was what I needed to do).

The administrator noted that faculty had been asked to state whether we wished to “request an RSVP,” by which he meant “a complimentary ticket.”

While I know it can be obnoxious to correct other people’s language use, I am confident that my adored Miss Manners can thread this needle adroitly.

GENTLE READER: While she appreciates the adoration and deplores the incoherent instruction you received, Miss Manners feels compelled to point out that for all the possible responses you suggest, you omitted the obvious one: apologizing.

They asked you to attend -- or at least to tell them if you were unavailable -- and you failed to do so. They made that difficult and expressed themselves inarticulately, but you knew what they meant.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)