DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why is tipping expected? I was under the impression that it was up to the customer. In my state, servers are paid minimum wage, so it’s not a question of being underpaid.

And why am I expected to supplement a stranger’s income? If you’re not making enough money, get a different job! I’m so disgusted by this begging that I don’t tip anyone, anywhere. Is tipping really a requirement?

GENTLE READER: You are mighty cavalier about the livability of the minimum wage, and about the ease of getting a better-paying job. You absolutely must tip those workers whose jobs traditionally require it.

Miss Manners often rails against the whole idea -- why should a worker’s wages depend on the whims of customers? Yet because that is the current system, she considers some tipping mandatory. And this time of year, tips or bonuses for household help are customary. Those are considered to be a show of personal appreciation, but they are also given because, unfortunately, the regular wages are often low.

The notion that tipping is a reward for good service is insulting to the worker, with its implication that good service is not to be expected without an extra bribe. More importantly, it is unreliable, as it justifies the patron in withholding payment if not -- reasonably or unreasonably -- satisfied. Those tips are simply part of the cost of the meal; bad service should be reported to management.

But apparently tipping is now expected at all times from everyone. You should probably plan to leave tips for your pallbearers.

No, you do not have to tip everyone who expects it. Miss Manners agrees with you in theory, if not in practice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I have selected a stunning cathedral for our wedding. He has a deep appreciation for etiquette and appropriate dress. Since the wedding is at 10 in the morning, he plans to wear something called a cutaway.

If I wear a satin wedding gown, may I wear opera-length gloves? My concern is that the ceremony is in the morning, and long gloves are typically evening wear. Does the material of the gloves make a difference?

GENTLE READER: Brides are allowed considerable leeway: Long, satin dresses are not daytime wear, either, but they are properly worn by brides.

That said, Miss Manners wants to discourage you from wearing opera gloves to your wedding -- on both aesthetic and practical grounds.

The practical reason is that they are not easy to remove; the drawn-out way of peeling them off is so mesmerizing that it used to be a staple of stripper acts. And your ceremony presumably involves putting on a ring. One traditional solution was to cut the seams of the glove’s ring finger, but that leaves it flapping.

The aesthetic reason is that opera gloves go on bare arms. If your wedding dress is the typical strapless one worn nowadays (although surely your bridegroom, in particular, would appreciate something more traditional), you will look even more like a debutante than most modern brides do.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two friends I see frequently, but they rarely see each other. When we all get together, inevitably one will start telling the other a story I have heard many times. Then the other will tell HER a story with which I am very familiar.

I’ve tried staring vacantly off into space, but it doesn’t seem to be noticed. How can I suggest we simply talk about current events?

GENTLE READER: Listening to the same story more than once is the price of friendship. For that matter, it is also the price of romance -- and the price of compassion, in cases of dementia.

If you have never faked enjoying a familiar anecdote or joke, Miss Manners worries that you are unwilling to make the smallest sacrifice for those you supposedly cherish. She knows happy couples who even prompt each other to tell a relevant story to fresh listeners.

In this case, we are merely talking about one friend finding a new audience. Surely you can indulge this, in the hope that your friend will not gag when you seize a chance to tell your favorite story to a newcomer.

As for getting back to real conversation, you have the advantage of knowing where the story is going. That gives you the chance to cap it with a question such as, "Would that sort of thing happen today?" Or, “Did you see what the Supreme Court did yesterday?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you set the table when the salad is served at the same time as the rest of the meal?

I went to a friend's house and she put the salad fork to the left of the regular fork. We used two forks during the meal: one for salad and one for the rest of the food.

Was this correct, or is a regular fork used for both the salad and the main course if served at the same time?

GENTLE READER: Please do not encourage the libel that etiquette is a conspiracy to humiliate innocent people by providing confusing forks. One fork to a course, Miss Manners assures you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you gently decline Christmas invitations from a friend when the people they invite are all couples and the women don’t really like you? We are all seniors.

GENTLE READER: Why don’t they like you?

Never mind; that is none of Miss Manners’ business. Nor need it be mentioned when you simply express gratitude for the invitation and regret that you cannot accept.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometimes when I receive an invitation to an event, the sender writes “By Hand” in the lower right-hand corner of the envelope. Obviously, this means that they delivered the invitation to my house themselves, without using the postal service.

Is this a true form of etiquette? I cannot find a single reference to it in any etiquette book. It seems a bit pretentious to me, and I have always wondered if, in fact, it is really correct to use the term.

GENTLE READER: Pretentious? Miss Manners would think the opposite, as it tells you that the sender made an extra effort. And also perhaps that the sender does not trust the postal service.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Just after Thanksgiving each year, my young nieces send out a letter to the extended family that contains their "Letter to Santa," outlining the things they would like as gifts.

Sometimes the letters are very cute. My husband and his siblings grew up with these letters as a tradition, and I don’t mind receiving them.

What I don’t want is for my kids to write similar letters. I don’t like them getting used to the idea that they can just make lists of things other people should get for them. Quietly I believe this leads to overuse of gift registries later in life.

But my in-laws have requested lists from my children. How do I explain that this isn’t something we’re going to do, without making it seem like negative commentary on other people's parenting?

I’ve tried suggesting the relatives talk with my kids and see what they are into lately, but that hasn’t gone very far.

GENTLE READER: Then why not tell them yourself? “Well, Noah is into dinosaurs right now, and Ruby is into cars, although she also wants to be a scientist. So I’m sure any sort of book or toy on those subjects would be perfect.” And then Miss Manners suggests you keep nattering on until your in-laws wish they had not asked.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Now that I’m widowed, I am eating breakfast out with friends more frequently. Eggs often need a little salt, but not always, and restaurant saltshakers often deposit too much at once.

What I prefer is to taste the food first, and then if salt is needed, I sprinkle some into one hand. I then pinch some with my other hand, distributing as needed. A “high sprinkle” gives the widest distribution. If there is extra salt left in my hand, I dump it in a little mound away from the food.

At least one companion has seemed strangely fascinated by my salt habits.

I have tried to start with a mound of salt and dip each bite into that, but of course this is usually too much salt, too localized. Am I within civilized bounds to use my clean, dry hands?

GENTLE READER: While this practice is practical and as sanitary as any other method, Miss Manners still finds it less than ... savory. A quick sprinkle on your hand to test the acceleration of the salt is fine if you can hide it. But Miss Manners supposes that if you can get away with that, you can probably also get away with depositing it from your hand onto the food.

It is what you do with the rest of it that is giving Miss Manners pause. Mounds of salt on the plate or remnants scattered on the floor are both unappetizing and potentially dangerous.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The invitation states "black tie" for a 4:30 p.m. wedding. The bridesmaids are wearing long black gowns. Is it acceptable for women guests to wear long black dresses?

GENTLE READER: No. And not just because etiquette and Miss Manners condemn it (black looks funereal at a wedding, and black tie and long dresses for guests should only be worn after 6 p.m.). But at this wedding, you will also be confused for a bridesmaid.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)