DEAR MISS MANNERS: Due to a computer meltdown earlier this year, I had to rebuild my holiday greeting card address list. When I asked my mother-in-law to share her list from that side of the family, I was flummoxed to find that she addresses her cards as “Mr. and Mrs. Husband’s Name” -- e.g., John and Jane Smith would be addressed as “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.”

While I know this used to be a correct form of address, I (married for 15 years and using my husband’s last name) find this sexist and would be somewhat insulted to be addressed as “Mrs. Husband’s Name.”

I imagine that in this day and age, there are quite a few other female friends and relatives that would feel likewise. There are so many other alternatives -- the holiday cards may be addressed to “The Smiths,” “The Smith family,” “Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith,” for example.

Should I bring up the subject with my mother-in-law? I had not realized the issue previously because we live in the same town, and she typically gives us our cards in person rather than through the mail.

GENTLE READER: When people want to insult their friends, Christmas cards are probably not their weapon of choice.

Or so Miss Manners would think. But you -- and others, no doubt -- think otherwise.

So here is an idea for an advance Christmas present for your mother-in-law: Offer to update her list by asking each of her friends how they wish to be addressed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a young woman who has recently moved into a larger city. I am not comfortable interacting with strange men on the street who ask passersby for change or attention.

It seems that most of my peers respond to such requests by ignoring them, but I dislike the contempt expressed in ignoring anyone. I prefer to give a polite “No, thank you,” “I’m sorry, no” or “Excuse me please,” and then move on. Unfortunately, since these gentlemen are used to being ignored, my more-polite evasions serve only to encourage them to continue these unwanted conversations.

I feel that if I give in and begin ignoring people on the street, I will be allowing the rudeness of others to force me into rudeness myself. However, I do not care to spend every day disengaging from conversations with very persistent strangers who see every tactic for evasion -- except for silence -- as encouragement.

Any suggestions as to how to handle such tricky situations would be appreciated.

GENTLE READER: You are not supposed to be comfortable interacting with strange gentlemen on the street. Evidence that people are destitute and desperate should make you uncomfortable. And so should solvent strangers who have personal designs on you.

However, Miss Manners is reluctant to discourage you from responding initially with those polite phrases when they might serve to acknowledge the humanity of the unfortunate. That does not oblige you to continue with an exchange. Whether they are seeking your money or your acquaintance, you should react to aggressive behavior by moving away.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had cancer last year and lost my hair. I’m fine now, but my hair is growing back super curly. Every day, people make comments about it: “Oh, your hair! It’s so curly!”

It’s a painful reminder when I’m trying to feel normal again. I’ve tried explaining that I’m upset about my looks and don’t like to be reminded, but then they argue that it looks good.

Every woman at church brings it up, not realizing it’s hard for me to hear dozens of these comments. One woman at the gym commented loudly every day, even after I asked her to stop. I finally burst into tears.

It will take two years for my hair to be long and feminine again. Any ideas on how to stop the comments in the meantime?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, there is no legal way to stop foolish people from informing others how they look. They seem to think it useful to point out to tall people that they are tall, to the short that they are short, and so on. Fat, thin -- anything noticeable.

And if they are challenged, they claim to be giving compliments. Even your tears have probably not prompted the offender at the gym to realize that she had erred. Rather, she likely thought that you were just oversensitive (a counter-charge often lobbed by rude people). It is a wonder she didn’t announce that.

So Miss Manners can offer little hope that you can retrain those who are determined to comment on appearances. Sorry.

She can only caution you not to respond. A silent, humorless stare should at least stop them from elaborating on their remarks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In a supermarket, I had a conversation with the family of a very noisy child, about 6 years old. I protested the noise, while Mom defended it vigorously.

I walked away and continued my shopping. A few minutes later, the store manager stopped by to tell me that “disrespecting children” was against store policy and would not be tolerated. She referred me to the company website, but of course, I could find no such policy statement.

Why must members of the public be disrespected by unruly, misbehaving, noisy children, and then defended by adults who should know better?

I am not a fan of authoritarian or permissive parenting, and believe in the principle of a community of equal dignity. Sometimes, a parent should address the noisy behavior of a child rather than ignore it -- especially in a public place, where it can affect and upset other people. As in this case.

What is your view on this?

GENTLE READER: That indeed, a parent must sometimes deal with a disruptive child in public. It’s not easy or fun, but Miss Manners dares say that every parent has to go through it.

But why did you? Unlike the parent, you were in the enviable position of being able to move to another aisle, away from the noise. Why didn’t you?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My signature perfume is a well-known -- and expensive -- classic scent. For my last birthday I received not one, but two generous gifts of this perfume: one from a dear lifetime friend and another from a beloved cousin. Both live a long distance from me; we rarely meet face to face.

The problem is, both were knockoffs. I know this scent well, and the fake bottles were easy to detect. Both generous gift givers bought the perfume online. Both are financially comfortable and would never knowingly purchase knockoff anything.

The perfume is nice, but not the real deal. I use it to refresh closets and clothing drawers.

Do I tell them it’s fake? Their generosity is endearing. I certainly don’t want to embarrass them, but I also don't want them to be duped. I’m losing sleep over this one!

GENTLE READER: Having already given you this present once, it is unlikely that either person will repeat the mistake.

Therefore, it may not be worth the awkwardness of telling the givers that they were duped. They will have no choice but to offer to return and replace it, feel bad about their blunder, and be forever paranoid about the authenticity of all future purchases.

At some point in the future, you may bring it up generally as an unfortunate phenomenon -- and, if your friends make the connection, a mistake that is easy to make.

Otherwise, Miss Manners suggests you chalk this up to the unfortunate state of retail and go get some sleep.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hired a woman to clean my house. She is very thorough and does a wonderful job. Looking ahead to the holidays, I plan on giving her a bonus for a job well done.

Do I give her assistant an equal bonus? Or is half as much proper?

GENTLE READER: Give a large bonus to the main housekeeper and tell her it is for both her and her assistant. This will make the decision of how to split it her problem. Merry Christmas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the youngest of three brothers, and have always been close to my brother who is three years older than me. My other brother is seven years older, and because of the age gap, we weren't so close growing up.

I just turned 50, which I consider a big birthday. The brother whom I am closest to took me out for dinner and gave me a nice birthday present. My older brother simply texted me “happy birthday” (no card, no phone call) and asked me what I wanted as a gift.

It's now two months later, and still no gift. I am terribly hurt and disappointed by this. I can’t stop thinking about it, as it is very hurtful to me. I did call my older brother twice, and he said a birthday present would be coming. What should I do at this point?

GENTLE READER: Forget about it. Nagging him is making both the present and the prospect of a better relationship more distant.

If you really want to make him feel bad, Miss Manners suggests getting a nice present for him on his next birthday -- big one or not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)