DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had cancer last year and lost my hair. I’m fine now, but my hair is growing back super curly. Every day, people make comments about it: “Oh, your hair! It’s so curly!”

It’s a painful reminder when I’m trying to feel normal again. I’ve tried explaining that I’m upset about my looks and don’t like to be reminded, but then they argue that it looks good.

Every woman at church brings it up, not realizing it’s hard for me to hear dozens of these comments. One woman at the gym commented loudly every day, even after I asked her to stop. I finally burst into tears.

It will take two years for my hair to be long and feminine again. Any ideas on how to stop the comments in the meantime?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, there is no legal way to stop foolish people from informing others how they look. They seem to think it useful to point out to tall people that they are tall, to the short that they are short, and so on. Fat, thin -- anything noticeable.

And if they are challenged, they claim to be giving compliments. Even your tears have probably not prompted the offender at the gym to realize that she had erred. Rather, she likely thought that you were just oversensitive (a counter-charge often lobbed by rude people). It is a wonder she didn’t announce that.

So Miss Manners can offer little hope that you can retrain those who are determined to comment on appearances. Sorry.

She can only caution you not to respond. A silent, humorless stare should at least stop them from elaborating on their remarks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In a supermarket, I had a conversation with the family of a very noisy child, about 6 years old. I protested the noise, while Mom defended it vigorously.

I walked away and continued my shopping. A few minutes later, the store manager stopped by to tell me that “disrespecting children” was against store policy and would not be tolerated. She referred me to the company website, but of course, I could find no such policy statement.

Why must members of the public be disrespected by unruly, misbehaving, noisy children, and then defended by adults who should know better?

I am not a fan of authoritarian or permissive parenting, and believe in the principle of a community of equal dignity. Sometimes, a parent should address the noisy behavior of a child rather than ignore it -- especially in a public place, where it can affect and upset other people. As in this case.

What is your view on this?

GENTLE READER: That indeed, a parent must sometimes deal with a disruptive child in public. It’s not easy or fun, but Miss Manners dares say that every parent has to go through it.

But why did you? Unlike the parent, you were in the enviable position of being able to move to another aisle, away from the noise. Why didn’t you?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My signature perfume is a well-known -- and expensive -- classic scent. For my last birthday I received not one, but two generous gifts of this perfume: one from a dear lifetime friend and another from a beloved cousin. Both live a long distance from me; we rarely meet face to face.

The problem is, both were knockoffs. I know this scent well, and the fake bottles were easy to detect. Both generous gift givers bought the perfume online. Both are financially comfortable and would never knowingly purchase knockoff anything.

The perfume is nice, but not the real deal. I use it to refresh closets and clothing drawers.

Do I tell them it’s fake? Their generosity is endearing. I certainly don’t want to embarrass them, but I also don't want them to be duped. I’m losing sleep over this one!

GENTLE READER: Having already given you this present once, it is unlikely that either person will repeat the mistake.

Therefore, it may not be worth the awkwardness of telling the givers that they were duped. They will have no choice but to offer to return and replace it, feel bad about their blunder, and be forever paranoid about the authenticity of all future purchases.

At some point in the future, you may bring it up generally as an unfortunate phenomenon -- and, if your friends make the connection, a mistake that is easy to make.

Otherwise, Miss Manners suggests you chalk this up to the unfortunate state of retail and go get some sleep.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hired a woman to clean my house. She is very thorough and does a wonderful job. Looking ahead to the holidays, I plan on giving her a bonus for a job well done.

Do I give her assistant an equal bonus? Or is half as much proper?

GENTLE READER: Give a large bonus to the main housekeeper and tell her it is for both her and her assistant. This will make the decision of how to split it her problem. Merry Christmas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the youngest of three brothers, and have always been close to my brother who is three years older than me. My other brother is seven years older, and because of the age gap, we weren't so close growing up.

I just turned 50, which I consider a big birthday. The brother whom I am closest to took me out for dinner and gave me a nice birthday present. My older brother simply texted me “happy birthday” (no card, no phone call) and asked me what I wanted as a gift.

It's now two months later, and still no gift. I am terribly hurt and disappointed by this. I can’t stop thinking about it, as it is very hurtful to me. I did call my older brother twice, and he said a birthday present would be coming. What should I do at this point?

GENTLE READER: Forget about it. Nagging him is making both the present and the prospect of a better relationship more distant.

If you really want to make him feel bad, Miss Manners suggests getting a nice present for him on his next birthday -- big one or not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I got married at an early age, but the marital bliss was short-lived as my wife died a few years later. That was 20 years ago, and I have since built a new, happy life for myself.

In this new life, I have never had any desire to embark on another long-term relationship, let alone remarry. I enjoy being on my own, although I consider myself to be quite sociable. I have a group of good friends, who provide excellent company whenever I want it.

However, there is one seemingly insurmountable problem I face: I am surrounded by people for whom marriage is the be-all and end-all of life.

My friends and family don’t question me about my choices. They quietly accept that this is how I am comfortable living my life. The opposite is true of my colleagues, as well as strangers who somehow drift into my world. They continuously ask me why I am not married, as if there is something seriously wrong with that. I have tried to explain my reasons for not being partnered, but my explanations fall on deaf ears.

Many wax lyrical about the joys of marriage, claiming I am wasting my life and missing out by not having children. Nieces and nephews suit me just fine. Often, I am told that I have yet to find the right woman (I did). I am routinely asked if I am gay (I am not).

I don’t need recommendations for a grief therapist (done and dusted). I don’t want to be fixed up on dates with their unmarried friends, who are probably experiencing the same level of annoyance as me.

Therefore, Miss Manners, to avoid withdrawing myself from any sort of social interaction in the office, gym or anywhere I encounter such marriage-bent people, I am begging you to suggest a few polite phrases that might stop these types of conversations, however well-intentioned, dead in their tracks. I need an elegant way to say "Bug off and mind your own business."

GENTLE READER: “I’m flattered, but I thought you were already married.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I love to cook and to host dinner parties, and we have many friends who reciprocate. The wife of one of the couples does not like cilantro (completely understandable), and the husband of another couple does not eat onions or garlic.

Is it rude to make separate side dishes for each of them that do not contain these ingredients, while the rest of the group has sides that contain them?

In other words, should I forgo these ingredients for everyone so that we all eat the same side dishes?

GENTLE READER: Are your other guests insistent that their meals exclusively be accompanied by salsa?

Because otherwise, it seems to Miss Manners that omitting those three ingredients still leaves a pretty wide berth for alternate sides. And making the same thing for everyone has the advantage of not drawing undue attention to the guests with aversions -- whether they are completely understandable or not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)