DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one diplomatically, yet adamantly, state that guests should not bring a dish to supplement your holiday event?

I’m frequently asked, “What can I bring?” I always reply, “Your good cheer and appetite, please!” Inevitably, friends will show up with their award-winning dish and promptly put it on the serving line.

Unfortunately, there is the potential that their contribution is tainted -- and being the host, the unfortunate results are on me. The well-being of my guests is essential.

GENTLE READER: The idea that private dinner parties are always done cooperatively has now become so firmly ingrained in the American mind that it has taken on a whether-the-hosts-like-it-or-not urgency.

And this goes double on holidays, when cooperative meals are so common that no one believes in an exception. That there are hosts who prefer to provide all the refreshments -- or are infuriated to have others messing in their kitchens -- is dismissed as insincere politeness.

To justify stopping this, you needn’t resort to invoking that dreadful scenario in which guests bring lethal treats and you are left responsible for murder. It is quite enough that it is your house, and you do not want to share the hostly duty of providing the dinner.

But as your mild little response is ignored, Miss Manners will have to provide you with something clearer: “Thank you, but I am doing the entire dinner, and I can’t serve anything else.” Or: “Please don’t. I appreciate the offer, but it would only go to waste.”

One more option: "I’m sorry, but the chef absolutely forbids any contributions to the meal." This last one is the strongest because chefs seem to hold the last positions that are still able to command authority.

Never mind that, in this case, you happen to be the chef.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I came across this statement on a social media page: "I hate being called 'ma'am.' Some people think it is respectful, but it is NOT; it is ignorance speaking. I know they don’t know any better, but I have little tolerance for it."

I truly did think that using "ma'am" was a show of respect. Have I been wrong all these years? Why is it impolite?

GENTLE READER: It is respectful. But some people want to forgo respect in the vain hope of being taken for younger.

Miss Manners has noticed that nothing says Crabby Old Age so clearly as indignation at being treated respectfully.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My housemate is male, 73 and retired. He rises in the morning and spends his day in a ratty terrycloth bathrobe. He is naked underneath, and the robe is barely closed.

I refuse to sit down at a table or engage with him looking like this. He says I’m weird and silly. I think he’s a pig.

We’ve never been anything but casual friends, and while he has a crush on me, the feeling has never been mutual. Is it just me, or do others think this attire is disrespectful and disgusting?

GENTLE READER: Disgusting is in the eye of the beholder, and as you are the sole beholder, you do not need an aesthetic judgment from Miss Manners -- unpleasant as she found the description.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know you’re going to think this is a made-up letter, but I assure you it’s not. (But then, I’d say that even if it were, wouldn’t I?)

When one has been invited to stay overnight in a home without indoor plumbing, but is provided with a chamber pot (no lid) under the bed, what does one do with it the next morning? Leave it? Ask one’s hostess? What if you don’t speak her language?

This happened to my husband and me a few years back, when we were camping in Europe. The people who owned the land were horrified to think of our sleeping outside in the cold. With hand gestures, they made it clear that they would be insulted if we did not accept their hospitality for the night.

Not wanting to be ugly Americans, we did. They generously gave us their own bedroom, which included the aforesaid chamber pot. Necessity compelled us to use it. But the next morning ...

We wound up leaving it in the room, but I still wonder: What was the correct thing to have done?

GENTLE READER: If you are able to decipher “Stay in our bedroom or you’re an ugly American” from a hand gesture, Miss Manners feels certain you can figure out one for, “There is poop in the potty; what do we do with it?”

Because no doubt your hosts came up with their own hand gesture when they discovered your unpleasant surprise.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When live musicians are performing during the dinner hour at a restaurant, is it rude not to applaud after each number, or should the music simply be considered part of the ambience?

GENTLE READER: The artists will understand if you do not drop your fork every five minutes to stop and applaud. And the servers will appreciate it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am one of a group of friends who have known each other for 30+ years, from early middle age into what are now our “golden years.” We’ve been through a lot together, supported each other through individual struggles, and been there for the good times, too.

We are all now widowed, but still get together regularly to enjoy plays, operas, dinners out and to celebrate each others’ birthdays. These are occasions for us, not just “let’s meet for lunch,” and we dress for the occasions.

At these times, I make it a point to offer a sincere compliment to my friends -- anything from how well they are looking, to a becoming choice of clothes or an attractive hairstyle -- knowing the time and effort it takes to put ourselves together. But no one ever seems to reciprocate, and this bothers me.

None of us has a husband now to tell us we’re looking pretty or beautiful. And I think it’s important that we hold each other up, acknowledge each others’ efforts, let each other know we’ve still “got it.”

Am I just a petty narcissist? Fishing for compliments? If not, how do I tactfully approach my friends on this subject?

GENTLE READER: “Don’t we all look nice?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My pet dachshund is slightly overweight. The vet said he should lose 3 pounds. When we are out walking, people will occasionally make hurtful remarks about him, like “He really likes his food, doesn’t he?” or “His belly is really dragging.”

His belly is not dragging on the sidewalk. It makes me sad to see a sweet little dog being insulted like this. Most people say how cute he is or ask his name.

What can I say to the people who remark on his physique in such a hurtful way?

GENTLE READER: “I’m glad he can’t understand you.” And then add, in a horror-movie-child’s whisper, “As far as we know.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Carrie and Ashley are both good friends of ours. We enjoy their company and accept their social invitations when offered.

A few years ago, they had a kerfuffle that put a strain on their relationship. My wife and I didn’t want to play games or favorites, so we would invite them both to events. So far, every event where they’ve been in the same room has resulted in some sort of unpleasantness -- public enough to detract from the event itself -- and usually ends with one of them storming off.

In private conversations, when we try to mitigate future occurrences, they both express regret for such incidents and resolve to do better, which we believe is genuine in that moment. But inevitably, something will happen again. Other friends at these events are aware of the issue and kind of shrug their shoulders when it happens, but we all are a bit sad about it.

Now my wife’s birthday is coming, and she wants to invite our friends to a fancy restaurant -- including Carrie and Ashley, knowing there will be tension, and perhaps worse. No one would deliberately want to put their friends in unpleasant situations, but excluding one or the other also seems hurtful.

Any recommendations for better handling this? Right now, we’re planning to continue to invite them both to things -- hoping for the best, but expecting some drama.

GENTLE READER: How badly do you want your wife’s birthday to be drama-free? Enough to attempt to play peacemaker?

If so, you and/or your wife might invite the two to lunch together before the party and try to broker a treaty. But if that fails -- and as all of your guests seem to be expecting a show anyway -- at least the entertainment at your wife's party will be free.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Both of my sons have recently become engaged. When sharing this good news, more than half the people ask me, “Do you like her?”

How should I respond to this, other than just saying, “Yes, of course”? I’ve thought about saying, "You know, I’ve just been dying for someone to ask me that. Let me share this with you ..."

GENTLE READER: “What a question!” is a useful, all-purpose response that may be said with varying degrees of shock, outrage and amusement, depending on your relationship with the asker.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)