DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 56-year-old woman who lost her job in late December. I was devastated and stricken with grief and loss and sadness. I alienated my family and friends, initially because I could not bear the questions/pity.

After thinking about the whole scenario, I wish someone would have just come and sat with me. But that never happened -- only constant phone calls (which I never answered).

Now, months later, it’s my birthday, and I have no contact with anyone. What can I do?

I want to make this right, but not be a burden on anyone. I am still depressed and working through this loss.

GENTLE READER: Retroactive suggestions are not much help, but this is why Miss Manners has the apparent cruelty to insist that even people experiencing tragedy respond graciously to kindness.

That does not preclude withdrawing from their company if that is what is needed at the time. But by simply shutting off all contact, you eventually convinced them that they were intruding, and you should not have expected them to barge through anyway. Those calls, had you taken them, would have been to ask your permission to visit, maybe just to sit with you. By the time of your birthday, you had made it clear that they were not wanted.

What you could have said was, “Thank you for your concern. I’m not up to seeing people right now, but I will get in touch with you when I am.” And then done so. So you should get in touch with them now, with an apology for not having acknowledged their kindness before.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother and his son are annoyed with me. I sent my nephew and his fiancee the set of pots that I found on their bridal registry. I had been told they preferred money, but I feel that gift money is mixed with other money and then there is nothing to remember me by in the future.

I exchanged a present for money when I got married, and have regretted it for a long time. I think that it is nice to see something and remember the person who gave it to you long after they are gone.

My brother called me to complain for not giving money; apparently the $400 price tag was not considered enough. A comment was made that “you can’t get anything out of this family.” Not so, as I have paid bills and given my brother and sister money to help them out when they have called for help over the years, amounting to more than $20,000.

What should I have done, and how much was I supposed to give? Am I right in feeling insulted?

GENTLE READER: As presents are voluntary on the part of the giver, who is also supposed to choose what is given, there is no such legitimate concept as what anyone is “supposed to give.”

However, the sensible thing to give to people who don’t appreciate presents is nothing. It only seems to make them angry to receive gifts of any kind. And when your brother remarked that nothing could be gotten from this family, he is surely describing himself and his son, from whom you will get no gratitude.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I moved into a house with two stories. When he calls to me from the other floor, I frequently can’t understand him, so I have taken to calling back, “Honey, I can’t hear you. If you’re trying to ask me something, you need to come into this room.”

He thinks that if I can’t understand him, then I should just come to where he is. I say that it’s the onus of the original bellower to come to the bellow-ee. I hate repeatedly calling back, “What? WHAT?” and then putting down whatever I’m doing just to go upstairs and learn I’ve been summoned to tell him, for example, that “Yes, I did buy toothpaste.”

GENTLE READER: With some exceptions, the responsibility for being in a position to be understood lies with the person initiating the communication. In other words, the bellower. In saying that there are exceptions, Miss Manners is thinking of the bedridden -- not those who lack patience, empathy or volume control.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While I was shopping in a store, a patron entered wearing a T-shirt with the following message: “Shut the F Up.” I was, of course, dismayed, and more so when the store’s employees didn’t request that the person leave the premises.

Why has this become acceptable? At the St. Louis barbecue festival, I saw a 30-something man wearing a T-shirt that said “St. F-ing Louis.” Families and children were all around. To enter the festival, I had to have my purse searched, but no one thought his shirt was inappropriate? It’s becoming a very ugly world.

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, our rights to free speech extend to vulgar T-shirts. How ironic, however, that the first shirt you mention rudely demanded that you stifle yours.

If you feel the need to politely assert your own First Amendment rights, Miss Manners recommends you say in a loud voice, “Oh dear, I did not realize St. Louis had changed its name. I guess I won’t be going there.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter wants to bring her friend on a trip with us. What is the best way to ask her mom? Do we have her pay for her daughter’s ticket?

We never offered to pay, but I feel awkward asking if she will buy for her daughter.

GENTLE READER: If you were inviting this girl for dinner, it would be wrong to ask for her mother to pay (although Miss Manners has heard from readers whose appalling hosts have tried).

A trip, however, is different. Miss Manners sees nothing wrong with politely asking, alluding to the financial investment involved and letting the mother decide: “We would love to invite Britta along with us to Cancun, but we realize that the cost might be exorbitant. She can, of course, stay with us in Lavidia’s room. What do you think?”

Your hosting duties would still presumably extend to providing additional amenities and food, although it would be reasonable to assume that the girl would bring along her own pocket money -- and passport.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my niece graduated from high school last year, my brother sent out all her party invitations, sent thank-you notes as if they were written and signed by her, and even endorsed the back of the checks she received. Of course, I recognized his handwriting.

When I questioned him, he said she was “too busy getting ready for college.” Her sister will graduate next year, and I’m sure my brother will do the same thing for her.

Am I wrong to be offended at how lazy these girls are? Shouldn’t a graduate have the courtesy to send a thank-you note when someone sends a gift?

GENTLE READER: Especially, Miss Manners notes, if said graduate wants another one. As their aunt, you might point this out, cheekily noting that you plan on giving future presents directly to their father, since he is the one acknowledging them. He will likely need the money for bail when he is imprisoned for check forgery.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Starting a few months ago, I began working in a public-service setting with one other person, a much older male. Whenever a customer asks for help, my co-worker jumps in.

He frequently jumps to the conclusion that I have made mistakes, and when I explain my actions, he never apologizes. When I talk to him, sometimes he literally waves me away or turns his back on me.

This co-worker has been an employee for years, was recently promoted to shift supervisor and is well-liked by most of the customers. I do not wish to complain about him to my superior, nor do I do think it would do any good. Can you think of something polite but effective I could say to get this retirement-age man to change his behavior toward me?

GENTLE READER: “When can we throw your retirement party?”

Miss Manners jests, of course, but she does encourage you to be generous, not only because the retirement may be imminent, but also because flattery tends to be more effective: “You know so much, I would love to learn from you. However, I wonder if in doing so, you could give me a chance to occasionally work with our customers on my own, and then we could talk about it afterwards -- either alone or in a formal review with our boss.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you politely decline gifts of signs and crafts with sayings on them? It’s just not our thing. It’s our son’s girlfriend who makes and gives them, so we have to tread lightly.

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, the relative substance of the present and giver are not entirely relevant here. Politely accepting unwanted items, and then discreetly disposing of them as you wish, is the only correct solution.

However, when it comes to the nature of the quotes themselves, Miss Manners will allow the quality of the enthusiasm to differ appropriately. Crafts and sayings of the “adorable downtrodden kitten” variety may be greeted with a pleasant, bemused smile. More provocatively intended ones of a political or religious nature may be received with a much, much weaker one.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)