DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have one question for you. My boyfriend asked me to do golden shower some time ago.. And I accepted because it didn’t mean anything for me, and I could do it for him. But after some time, I told him that I don’t want to do it anymore.. and he accepted my decision. But the problem is that I lost my attraction to him. I feel kind of disgusted. Do you think that this is something I can overcome, or I should break up with him? Other areas of our relationship are very good.

Golden Shower? Golden Parachute

DEAR GOLDEN SHOWER? GOLDEN PARACHUTE: Hey, points for giving things the ol’ college try, GSGP. It wasn’t for you – hell, it’s not for most people – but you gave it a shot for your boyfriend’s sake. That’s admirable; trying things that your partner is into that you aren’t is a core part of making a relationship work. When our partners are willing to at least make an attempt at things that we like, we feel seen and appreciated, even when it didn’t necessarily work out.

And it absolutely didn’t for you, and that’s ok. The part that’s tricky is dealing with your feelings about it and about your boyfriend. I’d suggest actually digging into why you feel kind of disgusted by this, and I suggest you dig deeper than “because it’s pee”.

Here’s the thing: I’m with you. I don’t dig on water sports like that. I don’t grok it, I don’t get the appeal and it’s not something I’d want to try. But at the end of the day: it’s a case of your kink isn’t my kink and that’s fine. I know water-sports are one of the kinks that get held up as part of the “look at these degenerate freaks” parade to shock the normies, but the fact of the matter is that as far as paraphilias go, it’s not really that extreme. We’ve got a lot of ick around it because it’s urine – you know, human waste – but it’s low investment, low effort and low risk. It’s hot water – occasionally smelly water if the person’s not well-hydrated or drinks a lot of coffee or eats a lot of asparagus, but it’s hot water. Do it in the shower, and you barely even know the difference. The associations with it tend to be worse than the actual act.

So what is it about having tried your boyfriend’s kink that disgusts you? Is it about cleanliness? Do you feel like it crosses some moral event horizon – a “this is ok, this is the realm of unhappy perverts”? Is it the symbology of it – pissing on something as a mark of dominance – and your boyfriend being in an inherently submissive role turns you off? Is it something you’d find degrading if done to you and so you kind of reverse double-backflip that degradation onto his asking for it?

Is there a sort of resentment going on? Do you have desires that you’re afraid to act on because they’re outré or unusual or “degenerate”, and the fact that your boyfriend can both ask for his and say “ok, thanks for trying” with seemingly no shame or remorse when you tell him you’re not doing it any more triggers some sense of unfairness in you?

Or, and stick with me here, is this a knee-jerk reaction? Is it possible that this was ultimately neutral for you, but you’re reacting with this to disgust because you’re “supposed” to be disgusted by it?

The more you can articulate the whys and wherefores about what you feel, the more you can understand how you feel, and what to do about it. Maybe it’s not about the pee, so much as the symbolism of it. Maybe it’s dealing with the complexity of someone who can be dominant in some areas and submissive in others. Or maybe it just gave you the ick and you can’t un-ick it. Not everyone’s kinky and not everyone’s gonna be cut out for being the standard-issue person with a kinkster partner.

While you’re thinking things through, take some time for some turnaround. What are some things that he can do that are solely for your pleasure that he doesn’t do or hasn’t done yet? Having some time when he’s focused entirely on things that get you off, for the pleasure of your pleasure might help flip the switch back for you. You may not grok his kink, but the idea of “I’m not into this but I’m into you” might help you move through to the other side and back to being attracted to him again.

And if not… well, sometimes that happens. Sometimes you’ll run into the thing that makes you say “Ok, we’re just not right for each other” and that’ll be that. No harm, no foul, especially since it sounds like your boyfriend’s been a gentleman about all of this. It seems like he handled this as well as could be. He was up front with his interest, asked politely, and when you said “I don’t want to keep doing this”, he took it in stride and good grace. Those are good things in a partner, especially one who has interests that you may or may not be able to rock with.

But if you do decide this was a kink too far and you can’t come back from it? Make it clear that this really is about you, rather than about him. You can find yourself a nice, meat-and-potatoes kind of guy, and he can find his kinky queen with rubber sheets and a walk-in shower and you’ll both be the happier for it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a trans woman in the beginning stages of transition. I never dated before transition, in part due to what would now be gender dysphoria; at the time I thought it was the kind of things a lot of your male readers deal with.

I want to date, but I can’t seem to drum up the courage to ask girls out, to go on dating apps, to dress up. I’m getting really frustrated with myself because I am actively trying to transition – voice training, electrolysis – but I don’t see myself as desirable. I’m not trying, and I don’t why because my brain is screaming at me to try. I spend all my time focusing on work, on hobbies, or on just trying to get basics done – I’m autistic and ADHD as well. I don’t seem to believe in myself, and even though I’ve made big changes – taking up running, lost a lot of weight, actively trying to talk to people in some cases – I still feel like I can’t go out and socialize. I just feel ashamed.

I’m really struggling at the moment. I don’t want to keep waiting to be “fixed”, or even sometimes that I should just focus on transitioning. I don’t think I’ll really look like a cis woman in that case, but I cannot seem to find the self-acceptance to really put myself out there.

Any advice?

Reluctantly Crouched At The Starting Line

DEAR RELUCTANTLY CROUCHED AT THE STARTING LINE: You’ve got a lot going on right now, RCATSL, and I’m not exactly surprised you’re dealing with a lot of overwhelm. And that’s before we get to the general state of, well, everything. But there’re a few things in your letter that strike me as being fairly significant for you.

The first and most obvious is that, well, you’re trying to get started  dating for the first time in your life while in the middle of becoming yourself – also for the first time in your life. There’s a lot to process in all of that; you’re finally making the changes to make the outside reflect the inside, you’re having to deal with the conflict between who you are and how you were socialized to be and in a very real way, reintroduce yourself to the world. That’s a pretty good way to end up maxing out all your available mental and emotional bandwidth. But adding the self-imposed pressure to put yourself out there and start dating when you’ve been avoiding it all this time… that adds a whole new layer to the mix.

I talk a lot on here about pushing past one’s fears and getting comfortable with discomfort. While I’m a big believer in that being an important life skill in general, it’s especially important when it comes to trying to do the things that really want to do, but are afraid to. Emotions follow their own version of laws of physics; feelings in motion tend to stay in motion, while feelings at rest want to stay at rest unless acted on by outside force. Part of why it can be important to push through your fears is to set yourself in motion; it’s hard the first time, but the more you do it, the easier it gets and the less effort it takes to keep at it.

But a complicating factor is that the longer you take to start, the harder it becomes to start at all. Not impossible… but definitely much harder to push through those anxieties.  

One of the pernicious things about our brains is how they’re wired to keep us safe, not happy, and that includes being safe from more intangible fears, such as rejection or humiliation. So we end up avoiding things that trigger those fears.

The problem is, we rarely stop at that step. Avoidance, like a liquid, tends to expand to fill all available space; when we start avoiding something we’re afraid of, we often also begin to avoid things that are related to the thing we’re afraid of, because it causes us anticipatory fear and anxiety. And then we begin to avoid things that remind us of the second thing we’re avoiding and the world we allow ourselves to live and exist in shrinks more and more.

That means that if there’s something we’ve been avoiding for a while, you’re having to push through a lot of inertia and worry to get the metaphorical ball rolling.

Now to add to this, you mention being autistic and have ADHD. That makes sense, especially with the issue of not being able to get said ball rolling. After all, one of the core issues with ADHD is executive dysfunction – you may want to Do The Thing, but you can’t get the one. GODDAMN. NEURON. To fire! so that you can actually start. And if you pair that with the way rejection-sensitive dysphoria tends to be co-morbid with ADHD and autism, it’s not that much of a surprise that you’re sitting there wanting to start but can’t bring yourself to do so.

And then there’s the part about being in the middle of your transition and the amount of gender-confirmation work you’re doing. Now, as a cis man, I can’t speak to the experience of transitioning and how that feels. But I can, however, speak about the process of creation as a former artist and current writer. In every creative process – whether you’re composing, sculpting, painting, writing, whatever �– you reach the suck point. That’s the moment where you take a step back, look at what you’re doing and think “Jesus hopping f--k, this is awful.” All you can see are the flaws, the mistakes, the areas where your talent clearlydidn’t meet the level of your ambition and all you want to do is ball the whole thing up, toss it and maybe decide to quit art and go breed sheep on the Isle of Man or something.

But one of the most important lessons that every artist has to learn is: don’t quit yet. Grit your teeth and white knuckle your way through the suck point to finish the piece; the reason why it looks awful to you is because you’re at the point where what you saw in your head and what you see on the page (or hear in the performance or…) have diverged the most. You’re still at the point of solving problems, coming up with ways to actually make your vision become real and having to adjust the version in your head to match the inherent restrictions of reality. By pushing past the suck point, you get to the point where you’re actually kinda happy with the results. It may not be exactly what you envisioned, but it’s pretty damn close and you’re rightfully proud of it.

Well, that’s where you are: you’re in the middle of creating a work of art, and you’ve hit the suck point. As much as you may think that this is just you being condemned to be clockable or an ugly woman, a lot is just being in the middle of the process and not seeing the glimmers of what the finalized piece will look like yet.

Now I bring all of this up, not just to say “yeah, it’s understandable why you feel this way, but it’s ok”, but because understanding the why of the situation makes it easier to figure out what to do about it.

An obvious starting point is going to be the ADHD issue. You don’t mention whether you’re treating your ADHD or not, but it sounds a little like maybe you aren’t. God knows that before I got diagnosed, if I wanted to break through my executive dysfunction, I either needed to seduce the vibes until they were right or rely on sheer terror to break through the barrier… part of why I lived for years with a “the best work is always done at the last minute” philosophy (and also a whole s--tload of unhealthy coping mechanisms for all the stress). Getting on my meds and finding the right dose not only made breaking through my executive dysfunction infinitely easier, it also dialed the RSD down to manageable, even ignorable levels.

If you’re not on some form of medication for your ADHD, I highly recommend starting now. If you are, it may be worth talking to your doctor about whether you’re on the right medication or at the right dosage. Finding the right combination of “right drug, right dose” tends to be more art than science and can take a few tries to get it right. The good news is, because of how ADHD meds are metabolized, it’s a lot quicker to figure out if things are working than with other psychoactive medication like antidepressants.

The next thing I would suggest is that you need a hype squad… and the first and loudest member of said squad should be you. ��There’s a recent article in PureWow titled “Women Need To Be More Delusional” – specifically in the realm of dating. The piece starts off with the author talking about how a male friend of hers talked about being the hottest guy at the wedding when he sent a picture of himself in a tuxedo. Not, as the author states, among the hottest; the hottest. The ne-plus-ultra of hotness. She compares it to men who just assume that they would have a chance with celebrities or supermodels (she specifically namechecks Emily Ratajkowski) if only the opportunity would present itself. This sort of rock-solid belief – the quintessential ‘confidence of a mediocre white man’ – is something she feels women need to adopt more often, instead of, as she puts it “resigning themselves to be an extra in Timothee Chalamet’s story”.

And honestly, she’s not wrong. It’s important to be your own first and biggest fan, the leader of your own fan club and one of the loudest voices bolstering your own sense of confidence and self-worth… even if it means being a little ‘delusional’. It feels hard to have that sort of “I’m the hottest thing since World War III” energy when you look in the mirror and only see the flaws and imperfections. It even feels like you’re actively lying to yourself and trying to deny reality. But you can and should push past that, tell the voice of “be reasonable, be realistic” to shut the f--k up, and be the Flavor Flav to your Chuck D. This is why I talk about “fake it ‘til you make it” so much: you’re not actually faking anything, you’re practicing. You’re building yourself up, making yourself feel good, embracing the positive self-talk and encouragement that helps build not just your confidence and self-image, but the emotional resilience and strength it takes to push through the suck point, to overcome that emotional inertia and executive dysfunction and complete your chrysalis to become the glorious butterfly you were always meant to be.

Even if it feels fake and cope at first, keep going. Find the people who’re going to encourage you and pump you up, who’ll help energize you and be part of the “f--k yeah, you hot-ass bitch!” chorus. Make it part of your morning routine as you get up, wash your face and get dressed for the day: look in the mirror and tell yourself you look fine as hell. Actively compliment yourself, even if it feels like cringe. Self-flagellation, even in the name of “just being realistic” isn’t going to win you bonus points, nor will it improve your life; that’s just another way pessimistic bulls--t creeps in. Dress like the sexy badass you are and are becoming. Hype the s--t out of yourself because you deserve to feel awesome. Treat yourself the way you want to be treated by others instead of talking yourself down. There’re enough haters and assholes who’ll try to drag you down; you don’t need to give them a helping hand.

The last thing I would suggest is to ease off the pressure to “date”, and just focus on socializing and meeting people. One of the most effective brainhacks out there is simply to change how you talk about things. Wizards of old knew the dire importance of words; when you name some something, you contain it, define it, create the corners of its existence and direct its action. Change the name and you change its shape and existence.

This is one of the reasons I tell people to stop doing ‘approaches’ when they’re going out and trying to meet people. When you’re doing approaches, you’re creating a situation with a binary outcome: succeed or fail. That ends up causing people to focus on the outcome, rather than the actual experience. They’re more concerned with succeeding (or at least, not failing) than actually being in the moment, getting to know someone and deciding if they’re right for you or if you even like them. After all, when you’re dealing with strangers, even with strangers you’ve met on a dating app, you know next to nothing about them besides what they look like. They may be hot like fire but that doesn’t mean that they’re your type. Sure, they’ve got a body to make a bishop kick out a stained-glass window, but they could still be a ginmormous a--hat. Yeah, they’ve got the kind of smile that seems calculated to make women’s knees shake like a 4.0 earthquake, but that doesn’t mean they’re not about to sing the praises of crypto and why Joe Rogan’s frequent guests have some really good ideas.

When you’re just being social, on the other hand, you’re going out without goals or expectations besides hoping for a good conversation. You’re freeing yourself from self-imposed pressure to “perform” or to try to get a specific result. Instead, you’re allowing yourself to just be in the moment, to be curious about folks and open to all sorts of possibilities. Maybe you’ll have a great conversation and make a new friend. Maybe you’ll meet some raving d--kbag, but you’ll come away with stories to tell later. Or maybe you’ll meet someone with a shy smile and nice eyes, who seems to really vibe with you and makes parts of you flutter in ways you didn’t expect… and they seem interested in talking more. Regardless of what happens, you get to chalk up a win because any outcome can be a good outcome. You’re open to serendipity, but without the pressure to force the issue and having to wrestle with your anxieties and insecurities in the middle of it all. And by being relaxed and in the moment, you can be your best, most effortless self… the same person you want people to be drawn to.

And most importantly: it lets you relax. You don’t need to rush things, RCATSL, nor do you need to wait until you’re at a point in your transition where you feel like you’re either done or near-as. You can do all those things – socialize, continue the self-development work and so on – without needing to create artificial limits or milestones that you need to hit first. There’s no timer counting down; the Super Mario “time’s running out” music is entirely in your head, not reality. You’re allowed to take it all at a more measured pace instead of trying to rush through any of it… and taking that more measured pace will make it easier to do all of it. You free up a lot of bandwidth when you aren’t trying to beat an imaginary buzzer. You can push through the suck point, but it’s much easier to do so when you aren’t feeling like you’ve got the Sword of Damocles hanging over your head.

So take time to address some of the underlying issues, but give yourself grace too. The world applies enough pressure; you don’t need to add to it.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.  

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m an almost-41-year-old straight woman who has most of her life going well. I have a job I like, I’m active in a Unitarian fellowship, I am a member of my local DSA chapter, I am involved in community theater and gaming groups.

But I’m also single, and have been for eighteen years. And I don’t mean single as in no serious relationship but having lots of casual dating and sex – I mean nothing whatsoever. Part of that is because I’m only really interested in serious relationships (to me the goal of dating is to find someone so you can stop dating, because dating is the absolute worst, just stress and uncertainty, and my social anxiety loathes it), but that’s not just it. Every attempt I have made at trying to find someone to even try dating has failed. And I am ready to give up.

I have had in my entire life one boyfriend, back in grad school, who I knew I would have to leave after the school year was over so I never slept with him because I have issues with trust (see above mentioned anxiety disorder) and my reproductive health (not comfortable talking about in a public column). If I’d known that he was going to be my one and only relationship ever I might have made a different decision about that, but I’m at this point the title of a Steve Carell movie and very frustrated about it while not particularly wanting to “settle” just to get laid. What I want isn’t sex, I want a relationship where I’d feel comfortable enough to have good sex.

So I have tried online dating – that was awful. On apps where men could reach out to me, there was an onslaught of creeps and bigots. On apps where I had to lead, 99% of the time I would swipe yes on people I found had similar values and interests and I would get absolute radio dead air, no replies, really did a number on my self-esteem. I tried to lower my standards to include anyone who wasn’t immediately off-putting, which didn’t help because then I would stillonly get a few replies, and because we didn’t have anything in common, we never even got to the point of going offline. In 7 years of online dating (I’m not counting the two during the height of the pandemic when I didn’t bother) I had all of 2 dates; both were total duds (the first was very early on and my fault because I overshared, the second we just both knew right away we weren’t clicking) and the last one was in early 2020. I finally quit using them two years ago, and don’t regret it because they were just making me feel bad about myself.

My attempts at meeting people in real life have gone absolutely nowhere too, though. In the ten years total that I have been actively looking for someone, I have had all of two first dates here as well, and they were also both awkward duds that went nowhere (one was way too handsy for a “let’s get coffee” and the other insulted my profession to my face). While my libido is more picky than most, I do run into someone I’m attracted to every few months or so, because they’re nice and we have a good conversation, and then we become Facebook friends and oh look there’s his girlfriend/wife. Which isn’t terrible because I often become friends with his partner and now I have two friends, that’s great! But it is definitely starting to feel that every single man my age I am interested in is already taken, which makes sense because why wouldn’t they be at this point? I’m middle-aged, you’re not supposed to be dating when you’re middle-aged. (I have debated whether I would be okay being someone’s secondary partner in a poly relationship, and the answer is “probably not.”)

I have asked friends to set me up; no offers. I’ve gone out to lots of free concerts and events; never met anyone. I’ve made a lot of friends in the process, which is good, it’s the biggest friends circle I’ve ever had, but nothing romantic. I have one single friend about my age who I thought might have been interested in me because we spent a lot of time just hanging out the two of us, but we’ve simply remained friends which is probably for the best (I’m a vegetarian, he’s a meat lover, I need to be asleep by 11, he’s practically nocturnal, it would’ve taken work). So in the last decade, I have had two polite asks out from men I just wasn’t interested in as more than friends (one of whom is married and poly which is why I have thought about it), and one guy I thought was a friend who attempted to coerce me into going out with him and I had to block him on all social media. And one PUA who haunts a local bar, but even in terms of unwanted attention, I’m not really getting any.

I have completely run out of ideas of what to do to meet someone. None of my friends and coworkers in committed relationships have had any problems – they went out and met someone within a year, and I haven’t had any luck in a decade. So I am inclined to quit – I know the other option is to settle, but I don’t think I can do that because I don’t feel like my standards are even that high – just a nice guy about my age (± 7 years) with similar values (left of center) who is okay with monogamy. I feel like that should be manageable if there was anyone out there available, but I think I just missed my window. I struggled a lot with my mental and physical health when I was in high school and college so I didn’t date then, then I worked overseas after grad school, and I just think that Mr. Right met Someone Else and that I need to accept that. Maybe there would be more options in a different town (I live in a purple city in a red state) but I like my job and my life here and don’t want to move just on a “maybe.”

My therapist doesn’t think I should give up; she seems to think that if we just keep working at this issue we’ve been working at for 8 years that I will make some magical breakthrough and be attracted to more men and have men throwing themselves after me or something and I just don’t get it. In fact, after our last appointment I feel like she thinks I’m lying and keeping something from her, like I’m hiding some trauma from my childhood that will fix everything once we work through it, and I’m sorry but there isn’t! I’ve been completely honest and I am just tired of how pointless this feels! I want to work on not feeling sad about being single, about accepting that I am never going to be with anyone, about moving on quickly whenever the guy I am attracted to is with someone else. I’ve seen the pattern of the last ten years and I don’t see how it’s supposed to change; if anything, as I get older along with my age cohort, the problem is going to be worse.

Am I being irrational here? I feel like I’m being rational – I’m not some 25-year-old who’s dated only a half dozen people and is convinced that means they’ll die alone. I guess what I want is a second opinion to stand against my therapist, or maybe I just need to change to someone else who is willing to help me with my actual real situation.

—Too Old For This S—t

DEAR TOO OLD FOR THIS S—T: I’m going to be honest, TOFTS, I don’t think your standards are the problem. Or, rather, let me qualify that: I don’t think the standards you are saying you have are the problem. Stick with me for a second, because I’ll get to that and I promise it’s going to make sense.

But before I get to that, I want to say that no, you’re not wrong that s—t is frustrating, you’re not wrong for being frustrated, and you’re not alone in that frustration. There’re many ways that you – and many, many others – are having to swim upstream against some seriously violent currents when it comes to modern dating.

Part of it is economic; that is, the way the rot economy has killed the utility of the dating apps. The virus of shareholder supremacy has meant that there’re more incentive to prioritize getting users to convert – getting subscriptions, no get the NEXT TIER subscription, now pay money for boosts and ‘flowers’ so you can see the people you actually want to date – than for designing an app that does what it’s theoretically supposed to. As the saying goes: the purpose is what it does, and what it does is frustrate users and tell them to pay to be less frustrated. The fact that there’s a massive gender imbalance in the user base of the apps only exacerbates this.

Part of it is social. One of the ongoing reasons for all the handwringing about the “male loneliness epidemic” and all the ink spilled about how women are forgoing relationships is that, well… frankly, society has gotten to the point where the lessons men have been taught about being men, their place in society and in relationships aren’t relevant, helpful or even useful. When men are being taught that their value is found in being a provider – having your own home, financial security, etc. – and then every path to that role gets systematically eliminated or blocked off, that’s going to create all sorts of cognitive dissonance and friction in the system.

Part of it is how the blame gets spread around. Men get scolded for not succeeding in all the ways they were told they had to, and told that they’re worthless and weak and will never be as good as the previous generations. They’re treated as though it was their fault that rent skyrocketed to impossible levels, home ownership is out of everyone’s reach, average wages don’t keep up with inflation and everyone lives with the looming knowledge that you’re basically two bad weeks away from losing everything.

It also doesn’t help that the values they’re being told to embrace, the behaviors they’re supposed to exhibit and roles they’re supposed to inhabit are all anathema to happy and healthy relationships. All of it, especially from the loudest cultural critics and the “won’t someone think about the poor menz” voices, comes from a position of “look, b--ches aren’t following the rules anymore, so you gotta make ‘em or you’re just a little b--ch yourself.”

So, in a very real sense, men are being set up to fail. It doesn’t exactly take a genius to notice how much of the advice being shoveled to men �– and reinforced by pop culture – seems to be “here’s how to put up with living with someone you don’t actually like” mixed with “you need to be able to support a family of four in a middle-class lifestyle, solely on your income,” as though that’s been possible in the last 50 years.

So, they’re already in the position of feeling like there’s something wrong with them for not succeeding the way culture told them they would, and a lot of the most prominent “manfluencer” voices are cheerfully saying “yup, y’all suck and you should feel bad about it”. Mix in the ways that the dating apps reinforce feelings of failure and undesirability and you end up with a whole lot of people who are lonely, frustrated, told that the system doesn’t fail, they’ve failed the system and little incentive to actually work on things like “social skills” or “how to communicate and get your emotional needs met”.

Which, y’know, isn’t creating an environment that’s conducive to things that actually make relationships work like mutual respect and affection, partnership and mutual support. Or even for meeting someone and being able to foster the sort of connection that can turn into love and commitment.

All of which is to say: you’re coming to this in an environment where the dating pool’s full of pond scum and algae and a whole lot of people keep pouring in MiracleGro and getting mad that women don’t like pond scum. You’re trying to find a partner in an environment that encourages developing the wrong traits, beliefs and attitudes in the gender you’re trying to start a relationship with. That’s going to make things a lot harder.

But let’s get back to what I said about the standards you’re professing and the ones that I’m not sure you’re aware of… and why they can be a problem.

Now to be sure: I don’t mean this in the sense of “oh, you want X because ALL women do, even if you don’t know it.” I mean it in the sense of “there are things that we don’t think of as standards,” partially because it seems patently obvious but partly because we rarely have reason to think about them. And, just as importantly, we don’t think about the other parts of our lives that interact with and influence those standards. You wouldn’t think of “I have to like them” or “I feel safe and secure with them” as being standards, so much as “universal basic prerequisites”, but they are.

The problem is, sometimes we don’t realize how those can get in the way of meeting the right person. Occasionally, we’ve got s—t going on under the hood that ends up drawing us to people who, for one reason or another, aren’t a good fit for us romantically, and we don’t know why it keeps happening. The classic “I’m always attracted to people who don’t like me back/ are wrong for me/ treat me badly” is a primary example of what I mean.

If you’re a regular reader, I’m sure you’ve seen me talk about how we are all very bad at understanding how we feel and why, and how various external and internal factors affect our emotions. There are a lot of systems at work under the hood that influence who we find appealing and who we’re drawn to, and we often don’t realize how many of them are in play or why. That means that when there’s a bug in the code or a gear slippage somewhere, we don’t make the connection as to how that’s affecting other parts of the system.

I mention all this because there’re a couple points in your letter that leapt out at me as being a sign of what may be going on. The first is your combo of social anxiety, trust issues and reproductive health worries. The second is your tendency to fall for men who are in relationships and end up friends instead. I believe the former is directly influencing the latter. I think your various anxieties and worries lead you to being more drawn to men who don’t set off your highly-sensitive Spidey-sense, and that lack of alarm must feel like a cool washcloth on a hot, fevered brow.

It just happens with these men in particular because these are men who’re interacting with you without any sort of romantic or sexual agenda. They’re just, y’know, being friendly. While I have no doubt they’re genuinely good guys who treat everyone with respect, part of that is because they’re already in a relationship. For a lot of folks, it’s much easier for many to relax and just vibe with people when they’re partnered up; there’s less of the self-imposed pressure to juggle “maybe friend, maybe date” and the way that can play into the interaction – consciously or unconsciously. A lot of folks also feel more relaxed and confident when they don’t feel like they have to be “on the market” and showing a more curated side of themselves.

So as a result: you end up being drawn to guys who don’t trigger those anxieties and they make you feel safe, but they’re safe because they’re partnered up, which serves to make you feel more frustrated and demoralized, and you end up blaming yourself and asking what is wrong with you.

And if I’m being honest, I think the ways you’re blaming yourself and getting frustrated at yourself get in the way. I’m a big believer that some of the worst words in the English language are “should” and “supposed to” – as in, “you’re not supposed to be dating when you’re middle-aged.” This is profoundly unhelpful and limiting; you’re telling yourself you’ve failed at life because you’re having a very understandable and common struggle, and that’s going to sap your morale and emotional resilience. It’s hard to bounce back from disappointment when you’re treating yourself as a failure and a loser. But just as importantly, it’s not even true. Even if we leave out cases like yours, where someone simply hasn’t had a relationship at your age, middle-aged people date all the time! Getting into a relationship in your 20s isn’t some magical ritual that guarantees the relationship’s success and longevity until you both die at the exact same time. Folks in their 40s find themselves single on a daily basis! Forty-something couples break up! They get divorced! Partners die! Acting as though being single at a certain age is a marker of anything besides “I’m not currently in a relationship” is the definition of a self-limiting belief… especially when you treat it as a personal, existential failing.   

(And, just to indulge a personal pet-peeve for a second, I can’t stand the “if you don’t get in a relationship by X age, it’s too late because everyone’s coupled up and there’s no one left” variant of the discourse. Relationships end all the goddamn time. People re-enter the dating market at every age and couple up at every age. F--king hell, there is a straight up STI crisis in retirement communities because everyone assumes they can’t get pregnant after 50 and so don’t bother with condoms!)

The same thing goes for comparing yourself to others in your social circle and telling yourself that you’re failing for not having the exact same results they did, with the same level of effort. There’s a reason why we say that comparison is the thief of joy, after all. Your relationship timeline is not and will never be the same as theirs, no matter how closely it matches or how much it diverges. Not only are you not them – you haven’t lived their exact lives, had the exact same experiences at the exact same time, with the exact same people – but you don’t get the full, uncensored, unedited download of their experiences in dating. Even with your closest friends, you’re still getting a highlight reel, not the raw footage. Their dating successes or failures aren’t the yardstick to measure your own by, simply because the metrics don’t match.

So, what do you do about all of this? Well, for one thing, I think it’s time to shift your focus and your priorities. Believe me, I understand and empathize with your frustration and wanting to not just find a relationship but to have found one yesterday (or last year or last decade or…), but I think you should be putting the focus on resolving and managing your trust issues and social anxiety. I think those are forming a major roadblock for you and making it harder to meet and connect with the right people. It’s hard to find someone who’s a good match when your subconscious keeps directing you towards folks who are “safe” because they’re unavailable. Similarly, it’s hard to lay the foundation a relationship needs when you have a hard time with trust or the way that the process of dating and meeting people stresses you out.

It’s a lot like trying to drive with the emergency brake on and a tire that’s leaking air; you might get where you’re going eventually, but it’s going to be a struggle at best, and it’s going to damage everything else in the process. Fixing those issues means having a much smoother, faster ride, with far more control and less wear and tear that will cause even bigger problems later.

Now I don’t know if that’s ever been something you and your therapist have ever actually addressed, if it’s never come up and you decided you wanted to focus on the dating thing or what. But if you’ve been seeing the same therapist for eight years and you don’t feel like things are working for you… well, honestly, that sounds like it’s time to try a new therapist. Therapy is a lot like a relationship; if it’s not working for you the way you need, staying longer isn’t gonna make it start working. And – again, like relationships – sometimes you outgrow your therapist. They were right for you at one point in your journey, but now your needs have changed. So I would suggest that yes, it’s time to maybe look elsewhere and see about finding someone who gets you and who you connect with.

And I do think it’s valid to consider moving. I know moving simply because you think it may be easier to meet someone can feel frivolous, it ain’t frivolous when it’s important to you. You get to decide what’s important and how to arrange your priorities. Other people (including loudmouth assholes with an advice column) can have opinions, but they don’t get votes.

Just as importantly though, sometimes it really is a case that you’re living in the wrong place. We wouldn’t tell a queer person that moving to a big city instead of staying in a small, conservative town with only one other gay person is a foolish mistake. While I get that you like your life where you are, you are dealing with a demographic issue. It’s a lot easier to find folks who are compatible with you when there are more people in general who meet the basic requirements. If you’re a wild-eyed leftist or an LGBTQ person in a deep red state, you’re going to be dealing with a much smaller pool of options to choose from. Bluer states, larger cities and/or more cosmopolitan cultures (including college towns) tend to have more possibilities simply because of raw numbers.

The last thing I’ll say is that I don’t think you need to give up, but I do think that maybe you should give yourself permission to take a break from dating for a while. As you said: you’ve been at this for literal decades; it’s not exactly a surprise that you’re exhausted. Sometimes a motherf--ker just needs a rest. I know you’re hearing the emotional equivalent of the Super Mario “time’s running out” music in your head, but even people in perfect shape in the prime of their lives see their performance suffer when they’ve gassed out. You’re allowed to stop and recover, to recoup your energy and do the things that feed and replenish your soul. Taking some time off – like a vacation or sabbatical – can let you replenish the emotional resources and drive to keep going. And when paired with changing your focus to your emotional health, it means that when you come back to it, you’ll be tanned, toned, rested and ready to give the ol’ town a wedgie again.

And the important part is that a break isn’t forever. It can last precisely as short or as long as you need it to. If you decide you’re giving up (or “accepting that it will never work”), you’re making it that much harder to change your mind later; you have to push past the “well, you said you were giving this up for good, remember” barrier of ego-protection. Knowing that you can dip back in when you’re ready – for whatever definition of “ready” you decide to roll with – means you don’t have to fight to open the door again.

I know, I know; you’re worried that it’s only going to get worse as things go on. I promise you: that’s just anxiety. It’s the sunk-cost fallacy, telling you that you have to keep at this or else you’ve “wasted” all that time. But trust me: taking a break is what’s going to make it possible to succeed, the same way that letting the mechanic overhaul the engine makes it possible for the car to get where you need it to go.

Take care of yourself, and you’ll see how much easier it becomes to take care of the rest of things.

You’ll be OK. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com