DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a professional classical musician, fortunate enough to make a very good living playing the piano and conducting opera. Some friends of mine (non-musicians) have invited me to a gala party, and although I would love to go, I fear they will ask me to play the piano for their guests.

This happened last time I was at their house. I politely refused several times, explaining that I would really prefer just to enjoy the party and not perform, but they were so insistent that I finally caved.

How can I explain -- without seeming impolite, ungrateful, stuck-up or churlish -- that I don’t want to work at their party?

GENTLE READER: Grateful as she is when artists resist the temptation to be impolite, ungrateful, stuck-up and churlish, Miss Manners will accept three out of four.

Call your hosts in advance and explain to them that you need to rest your fingers, and you would greatly appreciate their help at the party. Their assignment is to assist you in fending off those pesky guests who ask you to perform.

This will solve your problem, while confirming what your hosts already believe: namely, that being stuck-up is a professional prerequisite to being a great pianist and opera conductor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband received a letter from his late father’s ex-wife, who was my husband’s stepmother in his college years and a bit beyond. While their relationship was perfectly cordial, they were never especially close.

Since her divorce from his father, and his father’s subsequent passing, they have been in very infrequent contact -- Christmas cards and the occasional postcards. She has no children of her own, and though she did remarry, she is now widowed.

Now we have received a letter from her stating that my husband and his siblings are to inherit her estate upon her passing. Our share of this would be a life-changing amount of money for us.

What is the appropriate way of thanking her? We will need to do so in some way, if only to acknowledge that we received the letter. Everything I can think of sounds absurd, insincere, or as if we are eager for her to get on with it.

GENTLE READER: Your problem is not that your husband’s father’s widowed ex-wife might think you want her dead. Your problem is that up to now, you have given no indication that you much care that she is alive.

The etiquette equivalent is receiving a proposal of marriage from the person you have decided to dump: one of mismatched expectations.

Miss Manners assumes that you want the worldly goods. You should not have them without the relationship, which was never bad, merely casual. But improving the relationship now will require more-than-usual tact. The first step is to have your husband call your would-be-benefactor to express gratitude and some surprise -- that while you are enormously thankful, you really never expected anything from her. He may then restart the relationship by asking to catch up and find out what she has been up to since he left college.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Years ago, I heard knocking and a voice -- I couldn’t distinguish words -- from my neighbor’s bedroom, which had an adjoining wall with our living room. He was a single man and I thought he might have gotten “lucky” or was on drugs, so I quietly left to give him his privacy.

The next day, he was found dead, and it was evident he’d been trying to get my attention.

A friend of his told me I shouldn’t let his mother know what had happened; I think his family heard the story from other sources. I was so distraught that I had a nervous breakdown and never told his family how sorry I was about what happened.

Years afterward, I looked up the family’s address and wrote a letter of apology explaining what had happened. My counselor recommended I not send it, saying that while it might make ME feel better, it could open old wounds for the family.

Is it ever too late to say “I’m sorry”?

GENTLE READER: Ordinarily, no. Miss Manners has often admonished people who fail to console those whom they assume have gotten over their bereavement and would not wish to be reminded.

But you have no comfort to offer this family. Rather, you are in need of comfort yourself, and Miss Manners hopes you will find it in the knowledge that you could not have guessed the dire situation with its tragic consequences, and could only act under what seemed a reasonable assumption.

Had you been able to write the family any pleasant reminiscences of their late relative, they would likely welcome that, knowing that even years later, he was not forgotten. A reminder that he might have been saved --however remote the chance, since you don’t know that any intervention would have done so -- would only trouble them. Please just read your own letter yourself and let that comfort you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Your guidance on gifts to supervisors is clear: Offices should not solicit money for gifts to bosses, and generally bosses should not accept gifts.

However, about two weeks ago, the administrative assistant in my office sent an email to everyone requesting a small donation from everyone (i.e., paralegals) for gifts for “Boss Day” to celebrate our three bosses (attorneys). I declined to give. Today, we got another email asking everyone to chip in $5 for a birthday gift for the senior partner. Is there any way to put a stop to these tacky solicitations, politely?

GENTLE READER: Collectively. As in acting together, not going around collecting money.

Miss Manners assures you that no one is eager to contribute to their better-paid superiors. They do it from a false sense of obligation, or, perhaps in the case of the instigator, the hope of ingratiating themselves. Were you to suggest to everyone that this year, you celebrate Boss Day by sending cards stating that you enjoy working for them, you are likely to get a huge amount of support and relief.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please comment on the apparent new trend where people eliminate their last names on things like wedding invitations and baby announcements.

I’ve seen “save the date” cards with a picture of “Joshua and Emily” -- no last names of either. I didn’t recognize them. (It turned out to be a cousin’s child and the fiance I’ve never met.) A wedding invitation reply card was addressed to “Jordan and Caitlin” -- no last names. A baby announcement introduced “Isabella, daughter of proud parents Samantha and Luke.” I know these folks, but I can only remember her maiden name. I couldn’t send a card or a gift without doing a little investigating.

GENTLE READER: Last names? People still have last names? Miss Manners has seen little evidence of that.

How to make a proper introduction, weighing the shifting claims of gender, rank, age and relationship, was once a key etiquette problem. Should you introduce an archbishop to a dowager, or her to him? What if the archbishop is your uncle, and the dowager is a member of Congress?

You see what fun that could be -- well, for etiquetteers, not for those who had to perform the introductions. Even Miss Manners is not sorry that things calmed down enough to let pass well-meant introductions without all that work.

Still, no one ever doubted that saying the full names was a non-negotiable element. While this was hard on people who have trouble remembering their friends’ names, we kindly provided various tricks, such as “You two must know each other,” leaving them to deny that and pronounce their own names.

Their own full names. That is how you learn who people are, so that you can know where to pursue the acquaintance, ask if they are related to someone you know with the same surname, and so on. Half an introduction is useless.

The strange thing is that your correspondents believe that they are being unpretentious and friendly. But it is arrogant to presume that you are so universally identifiable, even to people who know others with the same given names. They are only making work for those who, like you, are kind enough to pursue the matter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A host asked me not to do the dishes after asking me many times before. She was anal about her dishes. I believe I do a good job when I wash the dishes. I was offended. Was it rude for her to say that?

GENTLE READER: She doesn’t happen to be your daughter-in-law, does she?

Just a wild guess, but Miss Manners is having trouble understanding why you would be so rude as to declare that your host’s word in her own house about her own dishes should count for nothing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our daughter wants to have a destination wedding in Ireland. The setting would be a group of buildings that will house 26 people. The reception will be held at the site.

As her parents, what is our financial responsibility? She is 30 years old and has been working and not living at home for over 10 years.

GENTLE READER: It’s your money, and you get to decide -- not your daughter, not Miss Manners, and not etiquette itself, which does not pass out bills.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)