Dear Helaine: I'm a fairly prosperous woman in my early seventies. I'm making my will, and I don't know what to do about my 35-year-old son. He belongs to a tiny religious group I consider to be a cult -- the Dear Leader can do no wrong. I'm pretty sure he will turn over most of his inheritance to this group. He has done that with other money presents that I gave him (before I knew what he was doing with them). I worry about what will happen to him when he is no longer young(ish) and happy to live at a subsistence level. Is there a way I can provide for him and not the head of this group? I'm fairly tolerant, but these people are weird. -- Not a Cult Mom

Dear Not a Cult Mom: One of the hardest things about parenting is learning that our children are not us. They grow up, they do things you know are not in their best interests, and yet you are powerless to change things. In this case, I imagine your fears are twofold. First, you want to ensure your son will be protected in the event he (hopefully) changes his mind about this cultlike group in the future, or even if he does not. Second, you don’t want any of your money to land in their greedy grasp.

Here’s the good news. It is possible to protect your son, and at least limit the amount of money that goes to this religious organization. How so? You could put the money in a trust. You could then leave instructions for how the money is distributed. It can be monthly, annually, biannually -- you name it. This way, your son can’t give away the entire sum. His generosity would be limited to the amount of the distribution. (If you are wondering if you can restrict him from giving any of the money to the organization, the answer is likely no. If challenged, courts would likely rule it’s a violation of his constitutionally protected rights.)

I suggest consulting with an estate lawyer, who can explain how different types of trusts work, and guide you through this process if you decide to move forward, which will include selecting a trustee to manage the funds.

(To ask Helaine a question, email her at askhelaine@gmail.com.)

(EDITORS: For editorial questions, please contact Sue Roush at sroush@amuniversal.com)

Dear Helaine: I am one of four cousins who co-own a summer house built by our grandparents, who left it to us in equal shares. For many years, it worked out well. There were weeks we all spent together and weeks that each cousin had to him- or herself. It was all pretty informal, but there are enough bedrooms that it always worked out. We paid the taxes and other expenses equally.

A few years ago, one of the cousins moved out of the region and, with one thing or another, hasn't been back to the house. Her son, however, has pretty much moved in, staying for the entire summer. There was no discussion about it. She said he was coming in the spring, and then he showed up and, with the exception of a few days here or there, hasn't left.

He's not a bad person. But he's 25, messy, and not someone I want to see every single minute of my summer vacation. And it doesn't seem fair that our cousin is paying only one-quarter of the expenses for a house her son is using 100% of the time. What I really want, though, is not for my cousin to pay more, but for her son to stop monopolizing the house. How do we dislodge him? -- Not Running a Boardinghouse

Dear Not Running a Boardinghouse: I'm going to flip this letter on its head. You and your cousins are extraordinarily lucky. Not only did you inherit a lovely summer house, you managed to split and use it in a way you all considered fair and equitable for a number of years without any formal agreement. I can't tell you how rare an event this is.

So I want to congratulate all of you on your achievement. But, as you are discovering, not all good things last forever. I recommend you pick up a copy of a book called "Saving the Family Cottage" by Stuart Hollander, Rose Hollander and David Fry, which talks about the legal and emotional issues involved in successful long-term ownership of a jointly owned family home.

The authors recommend putting the home in an LLC, a limited liability corporation, with family members each granted shares in the company. When you do that, you will formalize -- as part of the rules of the company -- financial responsibilities, procedures that will be followed should one of the cousins ever want to sell their shares and, of course, usage rules for the home going forward, including how many weeks each shareowner can use the property, and the division of chores and expenses.

But how do you bring that up without engendering bad feelings and starting a family feud? I'd suggest writing an email to the cousins who are joint owners of the home, pointing out that all of you are getting older and your lives are getting busier, while at the same time the number of people who want to use the property is growing, now that the next generation of kids are becoming adults -- something that might well exceed the house's capacity in the future. It's time, you could say, to think about the future while you can do so calmly and at leisure.

(To ask Helaine a question, email her at askhelaine@gmail.com.)

(EDITORS: For editorial questions, please contact Sue Roush at sroush@amuniversal.com)

Dear Helaine: My husband and I split expenses 65/35 because he came in to the relationship with far more money and earnings than I did. This worked fine for a long time, but I felt burdened with the housework, and I recently asked him to do more. His response was that he already was contributing more with his employment labor and income, and my extra housework was fair and only balancing things out.

I feel blindsided. We never agreed to this upfront, and I had always said I wanted a 50/50 partnership without traditional gender roles. Furthermore, we are living in a more expensive residence than I want -- he argued at the time his earnings could help pay for the monthly rent -- so returning to a 50/50 split of expenses isn't immediately feasible. Our arguments are getting worse. How would you handle this? -- Love, Money and Equality

Dear Love, Money and Equality: One of the currently popular ideas is that married couples should keep separate accounts and pool some portion of money in a joint one for household expenses. It sounds to me like that's what you are doing -- otherwise, how do you and your husband know how much each of you is exactly contributing?

I admit I am not a huge fan of this approach, precisely because of the argument you are describing. I've seen it work very well for some and very badly for others. You are, it seems, almost certainly in the latter group. If you are married or in a committed partnership, there's no reason to nickel and dime each other. It's a formula for resentment and anger, not to mention power games -- as you clearly discovered.

My advice? You and your husband need to stop thinking about his money and her money, and instead think of all earnings as belonging to the both of you. Financial decisions should be made jointly and not driven by the partner who happens to be contributing more money.

Housework is a harder issue. It's a burden that so often falls on women that research shows even in homes where the female spouse out-earns the male one, she still does more chores. I would suggest the two of you sit down and discuss how to best run the household. It's possible some chores can be performed less often. At the same time, you might also want to consider -- should your newly equal and joint finances permit it -- hiring help to handle some of the cleanup.

(To ask Helaine a question, email her at askhelaine@gmail.com.)

(EDITORS: For editorial questions, please contact Sue Roush at sroush@amuniversal.com)