DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’d love some advice on a little bit of an embarrassing situation. I feel in crush with a Twitch streamer over quarantine. I realize that the relationship (not really a relationship) is completely one-sided and parasocial, though he knows my Twitch identity and the details about that identity that I’ve divulged in Twitch chat and Discord. He’s not too big of a streamer (recently about 20-50 views a stream at a time) but he is professional.
I’m actually on the older side (I’m 26 y/o and he’s 25) and am used to going for things that I want without fear of rejection. I want to confess my crush at some point because I feel like not doing so would always give me a small sense of remorse. There will also be a “what if” in the back of my mind. I know I will get rejected because he is a professional streamer, and he literally just doesn’t even know me. Not to mention that I can’t even envision a future in the possibility that he would be remotely curious (we live in different states and are still navigating our careers). But still, I want to confess my crush at some point.
If I should do it, I’m not sure what my best ask would be? A request for an online date conducted on Zoom? A request for a date if he is ever in my state? Or should I be waiting for an opportunity to meet him in person? Or should I use DM’s to see if he might be receptive to more casual chatting not in the context of a public Twitch chat?
Would love to know what you think!
Best,
Hopeless Online Admirer
DEAR HOPELESS ONLINE ADMIRER: I see it’s that time of year again.
Every so often, I get letters from folks who have developed a one-sided crush on a celebrity — whether it’s a podcaster, Twitch streamer, YouTuber, porn star or someone from TV, movies and so-on. The problem is… well, like I said, they’re all one sided. This is what’s known as a parasocial relationship — that is, a one-sided relationship born out of feeling like you’re connected to someone because you’ve consumed so much of their content that you feel like you know them personally. This is an issue that is practically older than steam; as long as there’ve been celebrities, there’ve been folks who’ve developed one-sided, even borderline obsessive crushes on them. Silent film stars like Rudolph Valentino had people proposing marriage to him in letters. Hell, the term “Liztomania” was coined in 1841, when composer and conductor Franz Lizt’s fans would mob him in hopes of getting hair, bits of clothing and even his backwash from his coffee.
And this was in a time when mass communication was next to non-existent. With the advent of the Internet and social media, we all are mere clicks away from talking to and interacting with our favorite celebrities and content creators; hell, these days, you can have some of your favorite lower-tier celebrities send you a personalized message through services like Cameo or enter charity auctions to hang out with them.
But while Facebook, Twitter, Instagram et. al may allow you to have contact with some of your faves, there’s still a certain level of remove between you and them; after all, who knows if that’s actually Mark Hammil posting to his Twitter account or his social media person?
(Yes, I know Mark’s pretty hands on with his social media accounts; I was pulling a name at random.)
The modern forms of celebrity — and the way that content creators are encouraged and incentivized to interact with their audience — however, blurs the lines considerably. There are powerful financial reasons for creators, actors, musicians and the like to foster a sense of community and connection with their fans. This not only helps solidify the connection the fan feels to the creator’s work — helping encourage them to be a long-term fan — but also to create a sense of familiarity, even investment in that person and their works. It’s one thing to ask someone to buy your content; it’s another to encourage them to subscribe to your Patreon or OnlyFans or what-have-you because it offers them greater access to you and fellow fans.
(…I say while very pointedly not looking at my Patreon or Ko-Fi accounts and coughing awkwardly.)
Livestreaming, likewise, blurs the lines between fan and creator. These are times when you often are interacting directly with your favorites — you may even get direct shoutouts from them or replies to your comments in the chat. And, again, this helps create a sense of connection between you and your favorite streamers… one that often helps spur on that sense of “we have a connection”.
Except… honestly, you don’t. Part of what makes something a parasocial relationship is that it’s inherently one-sided and — critically — a fantasy. You don’t actually know that person; you have only seen so much of what is a carefully curated part of their lives that you feel like you know them and have a connection with them. It’s a feeling that — deliberately or not, calculated or not — is encouraged by the nature of the medium and how creators support themselves in this day and age.
And unfortunately, this leads to a lot of inadvertent heartbreak when folks realize that their inconvenient and unrealized crush is exactly that: unrealized. And likely to stay that way.
Now in your case, HOA, there’s a level of self-awareness here. You’re aware that yes, it’s one-sided. Yes, it’s completely parasocial. Yes, he’s aware that you exist in as much as you are a regular in his streams and he recognizes your username. You’re also aware that he’s gonna say “um… thanks” at best.
That doesn’t actually change the math on this. In fact, in some ways, it makes things worse.
Here’s the thing: being aware that what you’re doing is a bad idea and doing it anyway doesn’t magically make it a good idea. It’s just a bad idea compounded by your choosing to ignore the warning signs and barreling headlong into the “find out” half of the equation. And, speaking as someone who has friends and acquaintances who have various levels of celebrity and who’ve dealt with fans having crushes on them… it’s almost always uncomfortable as s--t. In fact a number of folks have talked about how uncomfortable and awkward it was to find out that people they matched with on dating apps turned out to be fans. There really isn’t a good way to say “thanks but no thanks”, especially publicly, to a fan that isn’t going to make things feel painfully weird.
Rather than asking “what’s the best way to tell them,” I think it’s better to ask yourself what the point of telling them is, especially with the knowledge that it’s not gonna go anywhere. This feels a lot less like “shoot your shot and see what happens” so much as “well, this will guarantee that senpai will notice me,” and getting that extra bit of validation of knowing that your fave now knows exactly who you are. And if that’s the case… well, honestly, that’s not a great look on anyone.
But even if that’s not the case and it really is the “look, it’s a one in a million shot but people DO win the lottery,” well… considering how uncomfortable this tends to make people, I’m still pretty firmly on the side of “nope”. Going through with it with the full understanding of just how this tends to make folks on the receiving end feel is kinda selfish at best.
And honestly? That feeling that “well, if I don’t, I’m always gonna wonder?” I am here from the future to tell you that in this case, throwing away your shot won’t be one of the great regrets of your life. Odds are that the feeling of “but what if…” is going to fade into the background faster than you can imagine, especially after the inconvenient crush on your fav fades and becomes vaguely remembered cringe.
Do yourself a favor: put your energy towards meeting someone else. Someone who actually lives close by, who’s looking for a relationship and — importantly — who actually knows you and wants to date you.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com