DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I tried online dating again since meeting up is relatively safe again around here and I noticed something which turned out to be also true in my non online dating related chats. I suck at keeping the conversation going and the conversations always end up to be in my responsibility.
IRL, I am a pretty social person but the moment it turns online, I am totally at a loss of words. If the other person and I have interests in common, like a show we both like or a game I can speak about that but the conversation then only is about that one topic which quickly starts to run dry, and even then I am always the one having to initiate it.
With a new Lockdown coming up and a few longer stays in foreign countries on the horizon I would love to know if I can do something to improve this to better stay connected with people.
Thanks
Radio Silence
DEAR RADIO SILENCE: Sounds to me like you’re making one of the classic online blunders, the most famous of which is “never go to Reddit for legal advice”, but only slightly less well known is this: you aren’t showing any interest in the other person you’re talking to.
To be fair, it also sounds like you’re having problems of compatibility. If you only have one point of commonality and that’s the only thing you can connect over, that’s going to be a problem in and of itself. One of the mistakes folks will make is that they’ll assume that similar taste in pop culture or entertainment is enough to start or maintain a connection over — especially a romantic one. But while that certainly helps, what you really want to look for are deeper, more significant commonalities: shared values and backgrounds, similar life goals and ambitions, and interests beyond what you consume. Otherwise you end up with the situation you’re currently facing: you’ve milked the one conversational topic dry and now you’ve got nothing else to pivot to.
But, again: it also sounds like you’re only directing the conversation to places that focus on what you find interesting. And that’s like talking to an opera singer who’s always warming up: “Me me me me me me me”.
If you want to keep the conversation going — and even better, never run out of things to talk about — then you have to make sure that not only does the other person get to participate in the conversation, but that it goes beyond your waiting for your turn to talk. Part of what makes someone fun to talk to is when they show genuine interest in you. After all, it’s increasingly rare to find someone who actually wants to know more about us, what we think or feel; most of the time, people are waiting for their chance to talk about themselves. This means that if you want to keep the conversation going and keep the connection alive, then you have to show genuine interest in the person you’re talking to.
You want to make a point of asking them questions — not just bare-bones surface questions, but the kinds of questions that lead to deeper and more stimulating conversations. Ones that can get to the core of who somebody is and what they’re all about. If all of your conversations stick to the factual (“Today I did x, y and z”) or surface opinions that don’t get to core values (“I wasn’t a fan of Falcon and the Winter Soldier“) then those conversations are going to end up fizzling out before long. They’re just not that stimulating or satisfying. You want conversations that have actual emotional content. Start by asking questions that can’t be answered with a couple of words. If you’re asking something that can be answered with “yes”, “no”, “fine”, “not much” and so on, then you’re asking the wrong questions. Ask something open-ended, things that naturally lead towards more questions. Part of how you never run out of things to talk about is by using people’s responses as springboards for other questions or other topics.
Now, this doesn’t mean that you want to leap in with deep and penetrating questions about their relationship with their parents or something right off the bat. Part of the point of small-talk is to act as the on-ramp to the conversational freeway; without it, you’re heading straight for a twelve-car pile-up. However, you do want the conversation to escalate in terms of depth and emotional connection — getting past surface likes and dislikes and into feelings, desires, ambitions, etc. Asking about challenges, travel, politics… even just asking for advice about something all help lead to interesting, illuminating and satisfying conversations that people enjoy having.
One thing that I find helps is to try to find a person’s “insert-coin-recieve-rant” topic — a topic that they will go off about if given half a chance. This may be the socio-implications of the Steward of Gondor vs. a king, the fact that the crab-shape has developed so many times that scientists have a specific name for it, fascinating crime stories from history… anything. Finding that topic and then engaging with the person on that has two benefits: first, it means that keeping the conversation going gets profoundly easier. Second is that they’ll enjoy the conversation more and want to keep talking to you. The more they enjoy talking to you, the more they’ll want to see you in person. After all, we prioritize relationships with people who make us feel good; this is what’s known as The Reward Theory of Attraction. Knowing how to get someone talking about a topic they love and showing that you actually want to hear about it means that you’ll never lack for people to talk to.
And the nice thing is: more often than not, this ends up working both ways. Someone who finally gets a chance to talk to someone who wants to listen will usually return the favor. They’ll usually make a point of trying to find your favorite topics or want to know more about you. Not just out of a sense of obligation — “oh no, I’ve gone on and on about me, I’m being rude!” — but because they’ll be more interested in you. Because here’s the neat thing: interested is interesting. Show interest in what someone else thinks or has to say, and they’ll find you more interesting and fun to talk to too… and they’ll want to know more.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com