DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I hope you are doing well and staying safe during these difficult times.
I am an extremely socially awkward person with OCD. I have recently started going to therapy and taking medication for it, which has helped a lot. I am looking to get into a serious relationship. But I’m not sure where to start. I keep falling for girls who turn out to already have boyfriends, and it’s been a bit demoralizing.
Any advice?
Thanks,
Faulty Radar
DEAR FAULTY RADAR: I wish you’d included a little more information, FR, such as how you’re meeting these women and discovering that they have partners. But, absent specifics, I can at least provide a little informed conjecture that may help.
Most of the time, when people tell me that they keep falling for people who already have partners, it’s because they’ve been developing crushes on people they meet socially, rather than trying to meet people specifically to date. More often than not, this comes about because they meet someone at a shared activity like work, class or church, or who they see regularly but don’t know well.
Now to be fair1, I do suggest meeting women through social activities; it’s one of the best ways to find people who’re compatible with you and who share your interests. However, it requires being willing to take the initiative early on… and some folks, especially people who are more on the socially awkward or inexperienced side of things don’t.
Rather than starting from a position of gauging mutual interest and asking them out on a date, they end up in The Friend Zone2 because, well, they act like a friend instead of a potential lover. And because they don’t act on their interest early on or, in many cases, avoid relationship talk entirely, they end up with a one-sided infatuation that ultimately ends up foundering on the shoals of “oh, she’s already seeing someone”. If they had acted earlier and just proposed a date, then they would’ve found out earlier. This way, rather than having invested time and emotional energy in an unavailable partner, they would’ve freed themselves to go pursue a relationship with someone who is available and let this relationship be whatever it will become.
This is one of the reasons why I’m a firm advocate of making your move early, before you’ve overly invested in someone. Rather than let things linger for weeks or months, asking someone on a date — not “to hang out some time” or “get together” but a proper and unmistakable date — is fast and efficient; you learn early on if they’re available and interested and it’s much easier to move on if they aren’t.
That having been said, you’ve only recently started dealing with your OCD and any awkwardness and anxiety that comes from it. That can make it a little harder to find the courage to step up to the plate early on and leave you more prone to those one-sided infatuations. What I would suggest in your case is to focus on meeting people in places where folks are specifically and explicitly single and looking for dates or relationships. That means that you should start by getting on dating apps like Hinge and Bumble; taking a little time out of each day to go through match with people will help ensure that you’re encountering people who are actively looking for people to date. I would also suggest looking for MeetUps, networking events and other in-person get-togethers that are specifically for singles to meet. Many cities have events that are unambiguously arranged for single people in particular careers (engineers, lawyers, “young professionals”) or with particular interests to mix and mingle and possibly spark up a romance. Because these events are earmarked specifically for singles, you know that everyone who’s there is actively looking for a partner; you don’t run the risk of coming off like the guy who tries to use MeetUps as a date ATM.
By combining these two approaches, you’ll maximize your chances of meeting someone awesome and single, while minimizing the likelihood of falling for someone who’s just not available.
However, I wouldn’t write off those women who already have boyfriends… or the ones who like you but aren’t into you romantically, for that matter. I would actually recommend staying friends with them — a genuine friend, rather than hoping that they break up with their partner or change their mind. Those friends have the potential to be your best and most valuable resource and ally. First and foremost, while they may have partners, they almost certainly have friends who don’t… and would love to meet an awesome guy like you. You have to be willing to ask for their help — tell them directly “hey, I’m currently single and looking, do you know anyone who I might want to meet”, rather than hoping they’ll bring it up unprompted — but they can be instrumental to helping you meet someone who will end up being your perfect partner. Similarly, going out with them as friends can make it easier to meet single women — in fact, female friends often make the best wings when you’re out and about.
In both cases, they are providing what’s known as “social proof” — that is, they’re vouching for you as a great guy who’s worth getting to know. When introducing you to her friends, she’s letting them know that you’re a catch; she’s vouching for you directly and indirectly, through her words and through your friendship. Similarly, when you’re out having fun, her presence is a mark in your favor. After all, they wouldn’t be hanging out with you and having a good time if you weren’t awesome and trustworthy. That makes it much easier to strike up conversations and get the proverbial ball rolling. Even if these new women aren’t necessarily your future girlfriend, they too help provide social proof and demonstrate that you’re worth getting to know. At the very least, becoming friends with them means that you become part of their social circle as well. And just as with the women you met who already have boyfriends, just because they aren’t the love of your life, that doesn’t mean that they won’t be the one who would introduce you to her.
The last thing I would suggest though, is to see what the women you’ve been meeting have in common. Sometimes the reason why guys tend to keep falling for women with partners is specifically because they’re unavailable. Men who have issues with believing that they’re worthy or deserving of love or who are afraid of success will often sabotage themselves subconsciously by going for people they know they have no chance with. The fact that they know on some level that a relationship isn’t possible is what draws them in. It feels like they’re trying to make a connection when, in reality, their subconscious is “protecting” them by ensuring that this relationship can’t go anywhere.
If that’s the case for you, then that’s something I would suggest bringing up with your therapist. They’re in the best position to help you unpack that issue and find practical and actionable ways to work through it.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com