DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My girlfriend and I (a lesbian) have been together for almost 2 years now. I love her very much she understands me better then anyone and I can’t see my life with anyone else… but I have an issue with her attitude.
She has a bad attitude towards me: she tends to take little things out on me and when I tell her she is being mean, she tells me she is not doing anything wrong. I don’t know how show her that when she talks to me like that it really hurts. We have had many fights because of her attitude; that’s what we mostly fight about. And she realizes finally when we both are in tears that she was being mean, but then I feel like we go through the same process.
I don’t know where to go from here and I DON’T want to break up with her I love her too much.
DEAR PRETTY POISON: Break up with her. Now.
I realize that’s the opposite of what you just told me, but the fact of the matter is, you’re in an abusive relationship. It’s an all-too-common cycle – she yells at you, finds fault in all the little things you do and refuses to see that she’s hurting you until you break down in tears and then she’s apologetic and promises you things will be better. But they’re not. She’s keeping you off balance emotionally and dangling just enough hope to keep you around, then proceeds to start the whole process over again.
And unfortunately, it’s not going to end unless you make it end. And that means leaving her. You may love her, but she’s not showing you love back. Her behavior isn’t that of a loving partner. She’s not showing you that she cares for you or respects you. She’s hurting you. And she’s doing it deliberately. Her abuse of you isn’t your fault, no matter how much she may insist that it is.
Get out. Get out now and find somebody who’s good for you. Someone who doesn’t pick on you or bully you, someone who actually cares for you and treats you with dignity and respect. It will be hard to leave – you’ve spent years building a life together, after all – but you have the strength.
You can do this.
And be sure to write back and let us know how you’re doing.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My partner and I have been together four years now. I have been going to her family reunion every year since we have been together. We bring our two girls every year to spend time with family, most of whom we see just once a year.
This year she told me she invited her friend to the reunion. I don’t mind spending time with her friend, but our reunion is a weekend long event where we all enjoy camping, hiking, relaxing and spending time with family.
I feel like having her friend there would take away her time to spend with the family. Is it wrong to say she should not invite her friend?
How should someone go about it without hurting anyone’s feelings and seemingly feel like a jerk?
Three’s a Crowd
DEAR THREE’S A CROWD: I’m not entirely sure this is a fight you need to be having, TaC. This is a family reunion for her side of the family; it seems to me that this means that she would be in a better position to decide what would or wouldn’t be appropriate, including whether she invites a friend or not.
In fairness, it strikes me as a little odd, but honestly, different families have different dynamics. You leave out a lot of potentially relevant information: who is this friend, how long has your partner known them, what kind of friends are they, etc. If this is one of her oldest and dearest friends — someone who’s family in all but blood — then that’s one thing. If it’s a co-worker that she hangs out with on occasion, that’s another.
I’d be curious to know just why she wants to invite her friend along and how her friend would be fitting into the dynamic. Would the friend be staying with you all, or would they have their own place? Is she thinking that this would be a good place to play matchmaker with another family member? Or is it more of a case of “well, I think %FRIEND would really enjoy the event”?
Those are questions you’d have to ask your partner. But as I said: ultimately, it’s her family and her family’s events. I think that gives her the final say in who comes or doesn’t to the family reunion.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A lot of the profiles on dating apps contain little to no information about the person and only a couple of pictures at best. I tend to skip over these profiles as it seems the woman isn’t really making any effort to find someone or doesn’t have much to offer (no hobbies to mention, likes/dislikes?)
I also feel like I may be missing out if I don’t attempt to message some of them.
What are your thoughts on this? Are they worth pursuing and how would you message someone who gives you little to nothing to talk about when messaging them the first time?
DEAR SILENT SNAKE: As a general rule, if they don’t have anything in their profile, my vote is to just swipe left and move on. A completely blank profile with only a couple of photos tends to be one of three things:
1. They haven’t bothered to fill things out before taking it live and are planning to come back to it eventually… maybe
2. They don’t feel like they need to bother doing so/ don’t feel like they have anything to say
3. It’s a fake profile — likely a bot or trying to be a bait and switch
Regardless of which is the case you aren’t missing out on anything by skipping right over them. At best, that blank profile is neutral; at worst, it’s a mark against them. Not only are they not giving you anything to work with, but they’re also not giving you any reason to be into them in the first place. Yes, their pictures may be hot… but you’re getting nothing else to tell whether it’s worth your time to talk to them and every reason not to. If it’s a bot or bait-and-switch, then you’re never going to actually engage with the person in those pictures. If they’re a real person but they don’t feel they need to put anything in their profile, then that’s all you need to know to swipe left. If they don’t know what to say, same thing. And if it’s a case that they put their profile up before they finished it and will come back… well, it’s a shame, but that’s their mistake. Since most apps are swipe-based these days, there really isn’t a “hold this until later” mechanic to see if anything changes. And if they aren’t going to take it seriously, then why should you put in effort that they hadn’t felt the need to put in?
Plus, swiping right on the off chance that it’s a mistake and not a bot has s--tty odds even under the best of circumstances.
You’re better off ignoring them and looking for someone who actually takes it seriously enough to fill out their profile completely.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, email@example.com