DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My girlfriend and I are are best friends who started dating right after high-school — having graduated just recently. Everything is amazing. Sure we have a day when the one of use can annoy the other, but generally everything is just bliss. I love being around her and she loves being around me, we also share a lot of interests which is why we were such good friends before we started dating.

Now this question might seem a little of the blue but here it goes….

She is my first girlfriend, and things are just amazing as stated above. We both agree on how we want to go forward with our lives, from how we would raise our kids to parenting styles and a type of wedding. This is probably the section where you sigh and shake your head, which is why I’m asking this question.

Can young love really stand the test of time, or are they bound to fail because of a lack of experience and knowledge outside of the relationship.

Unfortunately the only thing that has given me hints on how it turns out is movies and TV which is that it really does not turn out well. So could you explain how my worries are unjustified and explain how so, or tell me the likelihood of people who try the same thing and fail. 

— Total Noob

P.S. Friends have stated that they think its a little odd thinking this way about my first relationship, adding to my need to ask this question

DEAR TOTAL NOOB: This is one of those times where I feel like I need the disclaimer that just because you ask for my advice doesn’t mean you’re going to necessarily like what I’m gonna say.

That’s why this is called “advice” and not “binding arbitration”; you’re free to think I’m full of s--t — I frequently am — and that there’s no way I could understand what you and your girlfriend have.

But here it goes anyway:

You and your girlfriend are barely out of high-school. You don’t say if you’ve started college yet, or if things have been put off by, y’know, everything, but honestly, you’re close enough that I feel that my general advice about dating in high-school is still relevant: don’t stress about it. Whether you’ve got a high-school sweetheart (or two, or three) or if you didn’t date at all, dating in high-school isn’t something to take all that seriously.

Why? Because to start with, you don’t know who the hell you are when you’re in high-school. With very few exceptions, you’re living almost entirely in an artificial reality with no real responsibilities or real-world experience. It’s a time when everyone’s confused, everyone’s lost, nobody knows how to handle all the weirdness and feelings they’re dealing with and everyone thinks it’s far more important and significant than it actually is, because nearly a century of pop culture makes high-school seem like the alpha and omega of existence. And it’s not.

Plus, more often than not, graduating means that you’re off to a place where you’re supposed to explore and experiment with your identity and discover new experiences. Trying to start college with a relationship is frequently a recipe for drama and heartache and the ignominy of breaking up over text or Skype.

Straight talk, Noob: you’re 18, 19 at a stretch. Under the best of circumstances, you’re way too goddamn young to be thinking about things like marriage.

(To be honest, I think most people are too young to be thinking about marriage when they’re in their mid-20s, but that’s neither here nor there.)

This is not a time to be thinking about marriage and children. You should be spending more time thinking about where you’re going to score fake ids and primo weed and finding the side-hustle that’ll mean you’re able to pay for said fake ID and primo weed — not to mention books, classes… y’know. The important stuff.

Making even half-serious plans for kids and weddings… well it’s all great fun and it can feel exciting, but you simply don’t have the life experience to make it a good idea. Certainly not without a hell of a lot of support from your family and community.

Now can young love or a first relationship survive? Yes, technically speaking. You have the same odds that everyone else has, which is to say that every relationship you will ever be in will end… until one doesn’t and you die in the metaphorical saddle. But the cold hard truth is that some relationships are more likely to go the distance than others.

Is this the one that’s going to beat the odds?

Well, I’m going to be bluntly honest with you Noob: I kind of doubt it. You’re heading into college, which will be throwing all sorts of new trials and temptations your way. Even if the two of you are planning on going to the same school, I think you’re going to find that you’ll be drifting apart in short order through no fault of your own. This, in all likelihood, is going to be the first time you and your girlfriend have ever had a life outside of the immediate control of your parents, and you’re going to be trying new things, having new experiences and realizing that who you are and who you THOUGHT you were are two very different things.

And come on. You don’t want to be That Guy. You know. The one who peaked 17, married his high-school sweetheart and ended up as manager of a dodgy used-car dealership and dreams about the glory days in high-school.

Even if you’re not planning on college, you’re still facing down a life that you have no frame of reference for yet. It’s nice to have a partner in crime, but I think you’re going to find that this isn’t necessarily going to be a love to last the ages.

But hey, I could be wrong! God knows I have been before.

That being said, even if that’s the case: that doesn’t mean that this relationship will FAIL. A relationship ending isn’t the same as failing. If this relationship ends and you and your girlfriend still have affection for each other — you may even be good friends — and respect for one another and you look at your relationship with fondness… that’s a VERY successful relationship in my book.

Now, my advice — which, let’s be fair, you don’t have to take — is to take a mutual break. Enjoy college. Sample everything life has to offer for a few years and get a good grasp on who you are and what the future holds for you.

At that point, not only will you have a better grasp of who you are, you’ll be in a much better position to make this relationship work in the long term.

If the two of you are meant to be – if this IS a love that can beat the odds – then it’ll still be meant to be after you have your bachelor’s degree.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Let’s start this off with I screwed up… I screwed up massively.  I’m 23, I got married a year and half ago to a man from the US and I’m from Canada. The distance was always an issue but we made due. Meaning he lead me on to believe he was moving until 6 months ago. Then I began the prep work from me to move to him. He started ignoring me, literately no answer to texts, phones or messages. And being shoved away like that, I ended up doing the unthinkable. I cheated.

Then I made it even worse, I told my husband. So he completely ignored me. I ended up showing up at his doorstep. Everything was rocky. Good then bad, back and forth. Eventually, he decided that me being there a week was enough time for us to try again, he wants to send me on my way to “see how he feels without me” It’s been a month, I think that it should have been enough time to come to some answer.

On top of all this, the guy I cheated with wants some sort of relationship and I haven’t exactly made it clear that I don’t want that, but I have made it clear who comes first (My husband). So Dr. NerdLove… What the frig do I do?

The Other, Other Woman

DEAR THE OTHER, OTHER WOMAN: I have a lot of questions, starting with “you got married while still long distance?” How the hell was THAT going to work?

Not that it matters, honestly because, well, I hate to say it, TOO, but you’ve got your answer right in front of you: you end things.

This, I hate to say, was not a relationship that was ever going to go the distance. Leaving aside the whole “got married while still living separately” part — which is still leaving me with questions — you were in a long-distance relationship a guy who clearly wasn’t trustworthy. LDRs are difficult enough in and of themselves, but you were in one with a guy who made all sorts of promises to move to be with you, and clearly never intended to.

Then, once you started making concrete plans to pull up stakes and immigrating to the US, he went radio silent on you.

I’m sorry, but that really should’ve been the sign that nothing was right here. A guy who makes promises that he never intends to keep and who ices you out when you take the initiative to fulfill those promises is a guy who is demonstrably NOT marriage material… or any kind of material really.

Maybe landfill material. If you compost him properly first.

Quite frankly, I’m not terribly surprised that you cheated, and honestly, I think it was justified. I’m willing to give you a pass on that, even if I think you should’ve just dumped him so hard his grandparents divorced retroactively.

Hell, I’m not even that surprised that you told him. Let’s be honest, just you, me and the entire Internet: you really just wanted to get some sort of reaction out of him. But unfortunately, the reaction you got was… nothing. Which, again, is not a good indicator of the long-term viability of this relationship. Anger, hurt, confusion… any of these would at least have been a sign that he cared, at least a little. But instead, he just continued to ignore you.

Showing up on his doorstep made sure he couldn’t ignore you but it didn’t solve anything, did it?

Now, do you know why?

I hate to say it, but the cold hard truth is that your relationship’s already over and it’s been over for a while.

(STILL not getting past the whole “got married while living separately in separate countries” thing. Was this a drunken quickie-wedding with Elvis in Vegas?)

The only reason why it’s been hard to accept that this is over — and has been over for quite some time — is because your hubby just doesn’t seem to have the balls to actually take steps like, say, hiring a lawyer or actually filing for divorce. Maybe he was hoping that you would do the work for him. Maybe he doesn’t think your marriage is “real”. Maybe he seemed to be under the impression that a citizen’s divorce is a thing and if he just pretends you’re not there, it’ll take kick in.

In the end, what he’s thinking doesn’t make a lick of difference because it all comes down to a fundamental truth: he’s a douchebag. The best thing you can do right now is to do yourself a favor and hire a good divorce lawyer who is experienced in international marriages. Hell, maybe you can get the whole thing annulled and then YOU can pretend it never happened and shove this entire incident down the memory hole. Because, quite frankly, forgetting you were ever involved with this guy in the first place is the treatment he deserves. He tried to ignore you, you forget he ever existed in the first place. Seems fair to me.

Just don’t make the mistake of running back to your man on the side either. He may have caught feelings for you, but that’s no better. He’s not a potential relationship, he’s the tool you were using to try to get a reaction out of your husband.

Take some time off from relationships, recover, see what your legal options are when it comes to whether you can (or even want to) stay in the states versus heading back to Canada.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: There’s this girl I used to like and still do have a soft spot for. Her and I are very alike and we have very similar interest and a lot of people comment on how much alike we are. We also bicker a lot but can go right back to being friends the next second.

Now the reason that she didn’t want to go out with me (as my best friend overheard her say) is that she’s taller than me. I could sort of understand if I wasn’t normal height and she wasn’t taller than average but it does bother me a lot. 

Now, after I heard all this, I tried to nuclear approach. I cut her out of my life and even got a girlfriend in the time that she wasn’t there. Then things went bad with the girlfriend and we ended up breaking up (it happens, no biggie). But then me and tall girl started talking and hanging out again. She really made me feel like the biggest a

hole for not talking to her for the couple months I was with the other girl. It feels like I can’t break away from her. This wouldn’t be as confusing if she didn’t get very jealous whenever I even talk to another girl let alone flirt and she doesn’t hide it. She storms out of rooms every chance she gets. Her friends tell me she’s “territorial” of me. Which I find kind of creepy to be honest. 

But now the other day she texts me just to tell me that she’s “kinda seeing” a 28 year old guy (she’s 20). And I know that she did this just to attempt to make me jealous. Her “kind of seeing” anyone doesn’t bother me. Its her trying to mess with me that pisses me off and I really don’t want to give her the time of day anymore. But I feel like she’s going to go into the guilt trip again, I’m just not sure if I’m doing the right thing anymore.

Getting Played

DEAR GETTING PLAYED: This is what we in the dating advice business call “a HER problem, not a YOU problem.” Maybe she has feelings for you and can’t do anything about them because she’s already staked her position as “you’re too short for her” and she can’t bring herself to walk it back. Maybe she just likes knowing that you’re into her and gets a charge from having you on standby, even though she’s never going to actually date you. Hell, maybe she’s stuck at a stage of not knowing how to handle being attracted to someone and acts like a 5th grader instead.

Ultimately it doesn’t matter, because the way she acts is an indicator that you’re better off dating someone else.

If she can’t walk back her whole “I’m taller than you” stance and admit to having feelings, then she’s not ready to date you and it would end in tears to try. If she doesn’t have any interest in you romantically, but she loves the attention she gets from you and being a manipulative asshole in order to keep your attention, then it’s better off to cut ties. If she has feelings but can’t or won’t act on them and yet keeps insisting that she’s called dibs on you, then, again, it’s better to move on until she can grow up and get over it.

Instead, all that’s happening is that she’s sending you on so many guilt trips that you’re qualifying for frequent flyer miles.

To quote a wise man: “A strange game. The only way to win… is not to play.”

Quit playing her game. Cut her off until she acts like a grown-ass adult.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading your articles and so far I can agree with most if not all of them. Really good advice. I have a intimate question for you. I can talk to girls, maybe get ’em to like me, take me out for dinner, all that buzz.

Now my major problem is between the sheets. I tend to turn into socially awkward penguin when it comes to love making of any sort. Not exactly knowing what to do with my hands, not knowing what to say, not knowing when I should stop kissing, it’s a car wreck.

Please just teach me how to make a girl remember a night of passion and not laughter.

First Time Jitters

DEAR FIRST TIME JITTERS: What’s wrong with laughter? As long as they’re not pointing and laughing, laughter is a good thing. Sex is frequently ridiculous, absurd and crazy s--t happens and being able to stop and laugh about it with your partner is a mark of quality, not a sign that you suck in bed.

(Trust me, there will come a point where you and your partner will have something truly outlandish happen, and both of you busting a gut over it will be one of the truest signs of how right you are for each other.)

But that’s not what you asked.

Where to start, where to start. I mean, I could regale you with the lessons I learned from the Pansexual Nuns at Our Lady of the Gutta-Percha. Or I could tell you that one trick for neophytes during oral sex is the classic “write the alphabet with your tongue” and be ready to tell your friends about the girl who started screaming “YEASH, SPELL MY NAME! SPELL MY NAME!” But is that going to get to the core issue? No, not really.

That’s because sex isn’t about technique or numbers. The dude who’s racked up a thousand different one-night stands can be absolutely God-awful in bed, while the guy who’s only been with one or two women ever — especially for years or decades at a time — can be a sexual tyrannosaurus.

Good and great sex is about the connection.

Now here’s the thing to keep in mind: becoming skilled at sex is, like most other things in life, something that’s a matter of time, experience and practice. Everyone starts out in the same place, and there’s no shame in being inexperienced. In fact, there are a surprising number of women who actually love showing newbies the ropes. There’s something to be said for training a guy to be the sort of lover they wanted in the first place. But the fact remains that you’re going to have to be willing to be imperfect, especially in the name of learning; hopefully these girls who’re taking you out to dinner are also caring and considerate and will treat you with respect.

Here’s all you need to start out with (besides a willing, patient partner, some lube and a supply of condoms): a can-do attitude, an eagerness to learn, a lack of ego and a willingness to take direction and criticism. You’re likely not going to be perfectly smooth and suave the first time and that’s FINE. That’s very different from being GOOD in bed. Being willing to follow a girl’s lead, learning how to read her signals, use your words to explain what you like and, most importantly being willing to ask what she would like you to do will go a long way towards easing that learning curve.

Take it easy, take it at a pace you feel comfortable with and realize one important thing: the only people who are going to give you s--t about being a virgin are people you don’t want to sleep with in the first place.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com