DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently discovered your site as the result of it being mentioned on PhilosophyTube. It’s really fantastic, but also a bit overwhelming.

I’m 38. I was in my first serious relationship for three years, from 2016-2019. It was crazy toxic. Much like in the PhilosophyTube video on “Men, Abuse, Trauma,” towards the end of the relationship I had pretty much just stopped functioning. Nothing I did for her ever seemed to be enough — she was never satisfied with me as I am, or the relationship, or our life together simply as it was; she always wanted better from me, more from me. Whether it was how I dressed, me putting aside my own work to spend time reading books on how to be a better boyfriend, putting aside my friendships to spend more time with her, putting aside my hobbies or interests to read up on her chronic illnesses… it felt to me like she was just endlessly demanding more and more of my time, and of my mental/emotional energy. If we had quality time or cuddling, I don’t think she ever once in the entire relationship said “okay, that was nice. thank you. Now let’s [get some work done / get some dinner / go do X].” Her saying “let’s cuddle for just 20 mins” would inevitably turn into four to six hours. It often felt like any kind of pushback I gave, any kind of standing up for myself, resulted in her getting upset with me and insisting that I still had never done enough, had never been enough, that all that I’d done for her was only the minimum, that the bar was so low…

So I finally gave up. Not as a power move, not as a way of playing mind games, but as a way to protect myself. To stop myself from giving more when I felt my emotional tank was so empty already. To try to get the space I needed to hopefully destress, relax, re-energize myself, so that I might no longer feel at the end of my rope, so I could re-charge on patience, on my ability to give emotionally. Even just on a practical level, separating myself from those endless demands on my time so that I could get some work done, and having gotten more work done, then feel like I had more time to give.

In any case, the relationship ended in disaster. And now it’s almost two years later, and while I’m doing a lot better mentally, emotionally, on my own, having rebuilt my own confidence and happiness and so forth, the idea of getting back into a relationship just brings all that stress right back to the surface. Reading through some of your posts, e.g. “5 Ways to Become Someone Women Want to Date,” makes me feel like the barriers are just insurmountable.

I’m not looking to be a player or to be the kind of guy who picks up girls in bars. I’m not interested in just any girl, and I’m not interested in sex. I’m not interested in dating around, in the sense of playing the dating game or playing “the field” or anything like that. I want a partner who I can live a happy, relaxed life with. To share hobbies and interests, to share friends, to share maybe a cat and way too many indoor plants. I want someone to go to museums and concerts and theatre with, to try out new restaurants with, to go traveling with.

In your piece on “5 Ways to Become Someone Women Want to Date,” you talk about being the person /you/ want to date. And I’d like to think that at least in some respects I am attractive, appealing, a good person. I’m not a slob – I’m still figuring it out but I like to think I have a pretty good sense of style, a pretty good wardrobe. Prior to this relationship, I thought I was a rather patient guy, kind, caring… in the first half of our relationship, she often said I was not like her other boyfriends, that I’d shown so much more patience and kindness than they ever did. And I think I’m rather feminist, too; I know and understand a lot of the issues that a lot of guys are either ignorant about or actively resistant to acknowledging. So, in at least some ways, I would like to think that I’m already “the person I would want to date.”

But, reading through some of the other points, like “Take Control” and “Provide Security,” I just feel so exhausted, and this year and a half since leaving my girlfriend hasn’t made me feel any less exhausted. After years of her pressuring me to transform myself, to put aside my work, my friendships, my everything to devote myself to becoming a better boyfriend — cooking, cleaning, attending to her needs in bed, attending to her needs otherwise, learning how to be romantic, learning how to provide better emotional support, learning how to attend to her panic attacks and other severe emotional needs, etc etc etc — and her never being satisfied, to just wake up and say “things are good. I’m happy. I’m so glad I have you.” To never ever say that anything I did was good enough. To never say that my mistakes or flaws are okay, that we’re only human and it’s okay… After all of that, reading these things about how I still need to put in work, still need to learn to “take control” in just the right ways, how to be responsible and reliable in just the right ways, how to provide emotional support in just the right ways, just thinking about all of that, I can feel an anxiety attack coming on. I don’t ever want to have that kind of relationship again, where I’m fighting to be seen as valued, as appreciated; where just being myself is never enough; where I’m constantly trying to compare myself to some ideal of how to be a better boyfriend rather than just being compatible, and good, rather than just being happy, and loved and cared for, for who I am. …

Sorry this was so rambling. How can I get over this burn out? How can I start to feel less drained, less exhausted, and more ready and able to put in the work that needs to be done to become a better potential partner? Thank you.

Running on Empty

DEAR RUNNING ON EMPTY: I’m sorry about your previous relationship, RoE. You were in a very toxic relationship with someone who, quite frankly, treated you like s--t. I’m not surprised that you’re burnt out. You spent several years being ground down by someone who demanded more and more from you than you ever had to give — emotionally, intellectually or physically. That’s going to leave anyone drained, even under the best of circumstances. But the thing you have to realize is that while you’re out of this relationship — and thank God for that — the damage that has been done is still there. Not because you’re weak or too fragile, but because you spent three years in a toxic relationship and that s--t takes time to heal.

And honestly, it doesn’t sound like you’ve had much time to heal. Healing isn’t just a matter of time passing; it’s a matter of going in, disinfecting the wounds and stitching them shut. It’s about rehabilitating the injury so that you can gain your strength back, instead of being hobbled by it. It sounds like you haven’t done a lot of that work of healing just yet, and frankly that should be your chief priority. Right now isn’t about trying to get back to dating, it’s about recovery. It’s about prioritizing yourself and your healing from everything you went through with your ex, so that you’re ready to start doing any sort of work to be a catch.

And one of the tells here is the way you phrased things: “being a better boyfriend.” Your problem wasn’t that you weren’t a good enough boyfriend, your problem was that you were a reasonable person in an unreasonable situation. You were dating someone who was actively harming you, who wounded you to your soul and left you feeling like this was somehow your fault.

And it wasn’t. This wasn’t your fault. This was all about her. And the fact that this also coincided with the COVID-19 pandemic, I’m not surprised your batteries are low right now.

The fact that you’re exhausted isn’t a surprise, nor is it a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that you went through one incredibly taxing situation and before you had a chance to start the recovery process, you got dropped into one that was even more taxing, in new and different ways. And that’s ok. You’re allowed to be tired, you’re allowed to not have the energy or the drive to do much more than just getting through this. That’s perfectly fine; that’s all anyone can reasonably ask of you right now.

So right now, your job isn’t to worry about becoming someone women want to date, your job is to heal. Take dating — or even the idea of getting ready for dating off the table. That’s not something to concern yourself with right now. The thing you should be concerning yourself with is healing and getting better. Husband your energy and spend it on yourself. Find the things that speak to your soul and make you feel glad to be alive. Indulge in the things you’re passionate about or the things you’ve wanted to try but haven’t had a chance just yet. Surround yourself with people who love you and care for you and affirm you — the people who have your back. Let yourself feel loved, so you can remember that you’re deserving of love.

And if your ex’s words or actions are weighing on you, then talk to someone. Maybe you need to talk to a trusted friend and just share. Maybe you need to find a counselor to help unpack your understandable and complicated feeling about your relationship. This is part of disinfecting those wounds, debriding the injury to get rid of infected tissue and removing any debris left behind. And while it can sting, that’s the sting that precedes the healing.

Give yourself time. You don’t need to be getting out there right now; you don’t need to be trying to get ready to get back out there. Like an athlete who sustained an injury on the field, getting back out there too soon does you no good. It just makes it more likely that you’re going to get hurt. So give yourself time to recharge and recover. Give yourself the gift of healing and rehabilitation. There is no timeline here, there is no deadline. There will be time enough for love and relationships when you’ve been able to heal.

Treat yourself with kindness, RoE. You deserve it.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading your columns on and off for about ten years now. I’ll admit that I often sneer at some of the advice because it seems so far-fetched or inapplicable to myself. But I think maybe it’s time that I actually see if you had any thoughts about my situation.

I’m 34 years old. I have had one girlfriend in my entire life. We dated for 18 months ten years ago, and broke up. I was an insecure wreck of a person, and I am fairly sure my own insecurity and insistence that there was no way she’d ever stay with me is what pushed her away. She was way out of my league, and could do better, but was in a lonely and vulnerable position in life and I was convenient I guess. Since then, I haven’t even so much as asked a girl out.

I spent a long time after that in college and in grad school. I come from a family that was never super well off. I’m the first person in the family to ever go to college let alone obtain a masters degree. I felt for years and years like if I am going to accomplish something, it better be something big because being an obese, bespectacled nerd from a lower working class background was something that would always stand in my way if I wanted anything good in my life to happen. Particularly if I wanted a partner or to have kids.

Full disclosure, and I know this sounds nuts to most people so I keep it to myself, the idea of having kids is important to me because there’s no one in my family left at this point with my name, and I feel like if my name is to ever be redeemed I have to pass whatever social mobility I have achieved onward. This is something I was ever conditioned really to believe in my upbringing, but something that I believe with an almost fanatical zeal.

Within a year of graduation from graduate school, I worked my first political campaign. I was hired on as district director for the legislator I helped get re-elected. Within a year after that, I was elevated to chief of staff. I am now in the process of running for local office myself, and working toward the goal of forming a political consulting group with a few other like minded individuals to elect progressive candidates in suburban seats. The amount of acceptance I have found makes me…uncomfortable.

I feel, essentially, like all of this could be taken from me at any moment once someone realizes I’m not nearly as talented or skilled as they thought I was. I find myself wondering why none of these people can see through the facade and understand that beneath being able to make things happen I’m a fundamentally broken person who can’t even do simple things that everyone seems to be able to do (like ask a girl out).

Over the years, my interest in dating has actually shrunk because I have been alone for so long now that incorporating another person into my life seems like it would be a huge chore. But at the same time I still have nights where I wish there was someone who I could share my life with. Outside of work (which is not much because I’m always working) all I do is drink, play games, watch stuff, and smoke. It’s not pretty, and I’m not a looker either. But it’s the only way I ever really feel alive in any meaningful sense of the word.

All of my friends think I sell myself short. My family nominally loves me, but clearly resent me for going to school and trying to make something of myself. My mom definitely, definitely resents the fact that the good looking son (my brother) is openly gay and will give her no grandchildren, and her only card left for that particular outcome is her obese son that “thinks he’s smarter than everyone and acts all superior.” I don’t, by the way, but my family are, for lack of a better way to describe them, insecure around anyone who has achieved anything higher than what they have.

I guess the thing that bothers me most is that while all of these things have happened that I never thought I could have, and never thought I deserved to begin with, I still feel basically empty and unaccomplished. Like I am my job and my skillset, and nothing more. Disconnected from the human part of my life. Back when I was still a loser in college living at home with a dead end job I would think “One day, I’ll have a better job, and my own apartment, and then I’ll be worthy.”

Now I have all of that, and I’m not. I’d still rather shave an entire layer of skin off my whole body than approach a woman or flirt.

What do you think?

Sincerely,

The Worst

DEAR THE WORST: I think you need to change your signoff, TW, because the last thing you need is to keep dragging yourself like this.

Here’s what’s going on: you’ve taken on and internalized all the s--t your family has given you. All that resentment, that “how dare you succeed where we didn’t,” and all the ways that you get smacked around about things like your weight… this is the sort of behavior that people indulge in when they want to try to “keep someone in their place” or “keep them from getting a big head”.  They may even tell you that it’s “for your own good”… except, how, in pluperfect f--kery, is insulting you, negging you and otherwise undermining you good by anyone’s definition?

Unfortunately, one of the problems with the human condition is that if we hear s--t over and over enough, we tend to start to believe it. For example: constant exposure and repetition is one of the ways that people get dragged into QAnon or anti-vax conspiracies. If you hear the same thing constantly — especially from people you trust or who you interact with regularly — there’s a part of your brain that goes “well, if so many people are saying this or people are saying this so confidently, there must be something to it,” and it starts to seem a little more reasonable. That first crack makes it all the easier for you to take the rest onboard. And if it also corresponds with the things that you already believe, particularly if it involves negative feelings you have about yourself, then it’s that much easier for those words and beliefs and feelings to dig in.

This is a classic case of the mahout and the elephant. An elephant is raised from birth by its mahout, who for the formative years of its life, is larger and stronger. But it doesn’t take very long before the elephant is much larger and much stronger than the mahout… but it doesn’t realize it. In its mind, the mahout is still a giant and still wields authority over it. You are larger and stronger and more full of potential than you realize… but your family has convinced you that you aren’t.

Small wonder you have issues with insecurity; you’ve got your jerkbrain whispering in your ear with all of these myriad voices from people who are supposed to love you and support you and have your back.

And the worst part is: you’re not entirely wrong. Just not in the way you think. Yes, it was almost certainly your insecurity that pushed your girlfriend away. Nobody — and I mean nobody — is going to stay in a relationship where you call them a liar every time they tell you that they love you. It may be cute at first. It’s easy to mistake for playful teasing. Then there’s the impulse to show that no, it’s not a lie, they really think you’re the bee’s knees and the badger’s nadgers. But if you push someone away enough times and for long enough, they’re going to take the hint and, y’know. Go away.

Because the truth is very simple TW: you were in her league. If somebody likes you  and wants to date you, no matter how hot, successful or unattainable they may seem, you are absolutely in their league. The only person who couldn’t see it was, well, you.

And that’s a damn shame because it seems pretty f--king clear that you have a lot to offer. I mean, c’mon, my dude, look at what you’ve accomplished! First, there’s being the first person in your family to not just go to college but to get not one but two degrees! That in and of itself is really goddamn impressive. But even more than that, you’ve built an amazing and inspiring career, brick by brick and success by success. You, my friend, are an okapi — a rare beast that most people didn’t believe existed until explorers found one in 1901. Except you are an example of actual upward social mobility, something that seems completely out of reach for… damn near everyone, really!

And the reason you can’t see this is because you’ve got your family doing their crabs-in-a-bucket s--t, trying to pulling you back down because they resent you succeeding where they didn’t.

Here’s the thing: the vast majority of women out there aren’t going to give a flying f--k about coming from a working class background. The only ones who might are snobbish assholes and, frankly, life is too goddamn short to care about what assholes think. Similarly, overweight and glasses? That’s your disqualifier? My dude, there are many, many women out there who like them some big burly dudes. Despite what your jerkbrain tells you, women aren’t exclusively interested in one of the Marvel Chris’; there are more women than you can believe who like a guy who looks the way hugs feel. I mean, not to put too fine a point on it but there’re lots of men who range from chubby to fat who are not just married and happy but are some of the sex-gettingest men around.

You need to realize that these beliefs you have are just that: beliefs. They’re not facts. They’re your brain trying to protect you from negative experiences you expect by keeping you from even being in the position to experience them. You are, in a very real way, afraid of being afraid. Those fears and anxieties lie to you and create a space where you feel like you’re safe. Safe from rejection, safe from feeling like you did when your girlfriend left and safe from ever having to face the possibility of being deserving of love, affection and success. You may not be happy, but you’re “safe”.

This is how you end up rationalizing your choices out of existence. You say that you’re so used to being alone that you couldn’t fit another woman into your life… but then barely a sentence later, you say that all you do in your time off is drink, smoke and play games. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m nowhere near an expert in time management — far from it, as wife and my editor could tell you — but even I could figure out how to work going on dates and building a relationship into that schedule. It’s not that you can’t fit a theoretical relationship in, TW, it’s that you’re afraid to try. And so your anxiety, in an attempt to protect you, convinces you that you can’t when the reality is that you choose not to.

And look, I get it. You’ve got a nasty case of imposter syndrome. It’s clear as day, especially for anyone else who has it. That fear of being found out as a fraud is a classic symptom. But here’s a secret that only folks who’ve wrestled with imposter syndrome know: the people who are actually qualified are the ones who get imposter syndrome. They’re the ones who are aware of what they know and — critically — what they don’t know. That awareness of what they don’t know makes them afraid that they’re not qualified because shouldn’t you know everything to be where you are?

I hate to break it to you, the only ones who think they know everything they need to know are often the least qualified. To quote Bertrand Russell: “the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.”

Your worry that you aren’t qualified is a form of perfectionism. Because you’re trying to prove yourself to your family — who keep trying to drag you down — you feel like you have to be perfect. It’s a way of avoiding shame and doubt, which really only causes more doubt and shame.

(And hey, could be worse: you could have the “what, you think you’re good enough to have imposter syndrome?” version and THAT is a motherf--ker, let me tell you.)

So, what do you do about all of this?

Well, first and foremost: you need some strong goddamn boundaries with your family. Yeah, establishing boundaries and enforcing them can be scary and difficult, especially with family. You need to tell them that you aren’t going to tolerate them treating you like this, and you will refuse to talk to them, visit them or interact with them as long as they do. And you need to hold firm to this; they get one warning and then poof, you’re out. If your mom, for example, gives you s--t when you’re on the phone, make it clear: if she keeps doing this, you’re hanging up. If she does it again, then you hang up. No warning, no “I told you”, just “beep”, gone. Same with seeing them in person. If they treat you like this while you’re there in person, they get one warning and then you leave. No, you won’t be reasonable. No, you won’t calm down or “be an adult”. You gave them the terms under which you were willing to spend time with them, they violated them and now you’re gonna bounce. Your continued presence in their live is entirely contingent in how they treat you. If they’re going to continue to neg you, they can do it without you being there. If that upsets them, then tough s--t. You aren’t their punching bag and they can go screw.

Second: eliminate the shame by embracing being authentic, vulnerable and imperfect. You may strive for perfection, but failing to reach it doesn’t mean that you failed; it means you’re human, same as everyone else. You don’t need to be perfect, my dude, you just need to be the intellectual badass you already are.

At the same time, embrace how far you’ve come and  how hard you’ve worked. Maybe you’re not brilliant or the most talented, but you sure as s--t got where you are through hustle, determination and hard work at the very least. You fought like a goddamn demon for every inch you gained and by god you earned it.

Third: you know what I said about how hearing the same things over and over again makes you believe them? Well, you’re going to use this to your advantage. You are going to choose the beliefs that serve you best and hack your confirmation bias until you believe it to your core. As silly or absurd as it may sound, you’re going to write down your strengths and your achievements and you’re going to read them out loud to yourself, every day. Every. Goddamn. Day. And you’re going to do so using second-person language: “you are an incredible worker”, “you’re successful because of all of your hard work and talent”, “you earned your success and you’re capable of more”, “you are incredible, you are desirable and you are worthy of love“. Doing this in the second person — saying “you are” instead of “I am” — is important. You’re giving yourself distance, you’re replacing the voices of your family that tell you that you aren’t those things and most importantly: you’re treating yourself like your best friend. If you wouldn’t let your best friend run himself down like this, then by God you can do the same thing for yourself.

Fourth: you, my friend, are going to talk to a therapist. Affirmations, embracing vulnerability, enforcing boundaries with your family… these are all important and will go a long, long way to helping. But you also have wounds that need healing, my dude, and those wounds need to be examined and disinfected before they can close. You’re very clearly dealing with a lot of pain and trauma, and that’s not the sort of thing that just goes away. Working with a therapist is going to be important because they’re there to help you unpack those self-limiting beliefs, push back against the shame and perfectionism you’ve built up as a defense and help you exorcise the ghosts of your past. They are going to give you the tools and the vocabulary you need in order to heal and thrive.

And here’s the thing: you will heal and you will thrive. I know this because, like I said: you’re a phenomenal bad-ass just to have come this far with the emotional equivalent of a broken leg. You’ve done things that most people would swear on a stack of Bibles to be impossible. You’ve built an awesome career, you’ve achieved goals nobody else in your family could and that’s just barely scratching the surface of your potential. You are capable of so much more, if you can only accept your power.

It’s time to let go of your fears, heal from your past and make it clear to your family — and yourself — you’re not gonna take this anymore. It’s time to embrace your true potential and realize how much you have to offer… including to the women who would be lucky to date you.

You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a long time follower! Let’s get down to business, ‘cuz this is gonna be a wild ride.

Let’s start by saying this: I’m a closeted lesbian. When I was much younger and new to the internet, I joined a nerdy forum/chat site posing as a man, not because I wanted to catfish anyone but because it felt good. I was able to be my true “self” online, where no one would judge me and no one knew me. I made some friends who knew nothing about me and among those people, I started falling for one of my friends, a girl a bit younger than me.

I need to clarify that as a ground rule, I made it clear that I didn’t want to share a lot of my personal info to anyone under the pretense of Stranger Danger. In reality, I only did it so I could keep being myself without my “secret” following me to my real life.

But moving on. I befriended this girl by accident and by talking to her, I realize it was quite possible to fall for someone online just by talking to them. We never blatantly flirted or anything (mostly because I held back due to my secret) but I feel there was some sexual tension there.

We remained as friends for years to come, both following my rule of keeping real life details secret. We did end up sharing certain vague things like our location, job, etc. Nothing that would help anyone figure out who I am. And that’s about it. No real names no phone numbers, etc. Just…pen pals, so to speak.

Now here’s the wild part: when she got a new job at pet cafe, I had no idea what that was so I googled it to get an idea. I ended up finding the exact location she worked at by accident and, lo and behold, a profile of her on the website where you could meet the employees.

Except it wasn’t Her. It was Him.

It was shocking at first and I was in denial but I was also curious and confused. “His” profile, info, likes and dislikes and even schedule matched perfectly everything “she” had shared with me. When there was an event at this store and “she” would talk about it with me, the website would match almost word by word what “she” said.

So let me recap: I, a closet lesbian, fell for a closet gay boy.

I still love who He pretends to be, the person that I’ve talked to for years now. But every now and then I remind myself that this person doesn’t exist, it’s only in my head now. I’m not physically attracted to guys and it’s clear that he’s not attracted to girls either. This whole situation has got me messed up, I’m hung up in this fake relationship I was building and that is going nowhere. I never intended to create a real relationship with my friend either but I’d be lying if I didn’t fantasize about meeting “her” one day and coming clean and hope for the best. Now I can’t do that at all.

In all honesty, I’m not even sure what kind of advice I’d want or need. Do I need to look for therapy? Is this good for my mental health? I love my friend but it’s just very confusing talking to “her” now. I haven’t said anything about what I found out to respect “her” privacy so I don’t know if that’s making it worse.

Help me, I’m a mess!

Sincerely,

Casper the Really Friendly Ghost

P.S: I don’t mean any disrespect by using quotes when referring to my friend. I just don’t know how to refer to him/her since we’ve never discussed it.

DEAR CASPER THE REALLY FRIENDLY GHOST: This is hardly the first time that someone has fallen for somebody else on the Internet who turned out to be someone completely different, CRFG. Hell, it’s not even the first time that it’s come up in this column. People creating a false persona in order to explore or express themselves more freely is incredibly common. Hell, for a lot of folks in the LGBTQ community, it’s often the first time they’ve ever been in a position to actually explore and express their true selves.

And to be perfectly honest… that’s not a bad thing at all. There are a lot of times where you can feel bound up by your history, by the people who know you and the expectations they have… but that version of your self isn’t the real you. It’s your conforming to what others expect of you or want from you. But because it’s so easy to see that as being definitional — you’ve spent so long being told that’s who you are — the only way that it feels safe to explore is to become someone else.

Some folks find this outlet in theater. Some find it in RPGs like Dungeons and Dragons. Some people try reinventing themselves when they go off to college. And some find it in the comforting anonymity of the Internet, where it’s easy to post up in a new community and invent an entirely new person. Having that level of separation — “this isn’t me, this is someone else” — can give you the confidence and freedom to try out different aspects of your personality, different potential selves and identities. And a lot of times, this is how people realize that who they are isn’t necessarily who they think they are… or who they’ve been told they are by others.

So in falsity, there is truth. A trace of the true self can exist in the false self… or it can be REVEALED by the false self.

I mean, this is exactly what you experienced: you created a false self in order to be more authentically who you are.

It sounds like that’s what your friend did as well.

But here’s the thing: you’re assuming that “he” is fake and that your relationship is false. And that’s not true. To start with: even if the facts aren’t real, the emotions behind them are. You and your friend have years of shared intimacy, caring and connection. That’s real. That happened. The connection you have had, the shared moments and stories… those aren’t any less true or any less valid or important just because some of the details were wrong or absent. You aren’t any less of friends because you and they didn’t share actual home addresses or real names.

(I mean, s--t, I’ve had friendships going on for more than 20 years with people I’ve only met in person for the first time within the last 5 years. This is a thing that happens.)

Just as importantly: their gender (and possibly their name) sounds like it was one of the only things they lied about. And frankly, there’s every possibility that they aren’t lying about those either. There’ve been plenty of trans folks who have created personas in order to experience and get comfortable with their gender, even if they haven’t transitioned in physical space yet. It’s not impossible that your friend has been doing just that.

But even if they are, in fact, a cis gay man, it certainly sounds like they weren’t lying or inventing the rest of it. After all, you weren’t; other than names and gender, it sounds like your online self wasn’t that different from your actual self. You may not have given what you assumed to be identifying information, but you weren’t inventing a life out of whole cloth. So why assume that your friend was doing things any differently? After all, they gave you enough information about their lives that you were able to track them down and find their… let’s call it alternate identity. That sounds a lot like they were doing much the same as you: hiding identifying info, but being real all the same.

So it doesn’t sound like your friendship was fake at all, just complicated. And hey, complicated is fine. Nor do I think you need therapy or that this is bad for your mental health. You care for them because of what you experienced together; the fact that they may not be a woman or into women doesn’t change that. It may take a little adjustment, but you would hardly be the first person to have a crush on a friend, nor would you be the first to need to adjust expectations of what you hope from the relationship.

(And really, you could end up in the same boat by finding out that you weren’t physically attracted to them if and when you met in person; that is a tale as old as time, let me tell you.)

So where do you go from here? Well… I think the best thing you could do is come clean. Not about finding them at work and knowing their “secret” (assuming that it’s not their truth), but about who you are. Tell them that you’ve reached a point where you feel like you need to be honest and this is awkward and embarrassing but you’re not the gender you’ve been posing as online and you trust them enough to tell them. You can explain why — you’re still closeted, you wanted to make it harder for people to find you, you were exploring your genuine self — and that while your gender wasn’t accurate, the rest was real and true.

And then… the ball’s in their court. Being honest and trusting them with this secret may be what gives them permission to share their truth with you. They may well be in the same situation you are; they want to be honest, but they feel like they can’t. Hell, they may have been as much of an internet sleuth as you have been and tell you that that they knew already.

But either way: telling them — without revealing that you’ve tracked them down — will, at the very least, be a weight off your shoulders. You can start to come to grips with the fact that while the details were different, this has been, and still is, a real relationship. The nature of it may be different than you’d hoped it might be some day… but it’s still real. And then you and they can start to get to know each other as old friends who’ve just met.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com