DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Okay, so I have a situation where I got involved with a girl who’s last relationship was abusive (emotionally and physically). We’d both just moved into college (neither of us is a freshman), off campus, second night we hooked up. That night, when we talked, she seemed very interested in making it into something. Maybe not make it really serious, but at least attempt dating. We were working together when we met, for the school, so during the day we obviously kept everything under wraps.

Two days later I asked if I could see her again that night, she said yes. A few hours later I get a text saying we should just stay friends. I’m totally cool with this, she is making her wishes clear and I told her we could stay friends.

The next day we drink with some friends. She tries to hook up with my best friend when everyone is gone. They kiss for 5 seconds and he gets uncomfortable and backs off. I knew about it, but I didn’t care and didn’t make a big deal over it, I’m not the jealous type.

The next day we are hanging out with a bunch of people, eating lunch, and she sends me another text saying she regrets what she said the previous night. I’m a little exasperated at this point, but I tell her we should talk about it later, in person. At this point I didn’t really know about the abuse. That night I walk her home, we talk, she explains her history. Eventually we decide to try dating. I leave thinking that we are on the same page.

The next night she changes her mind again. My response is calm, but I make the mistake of asking her if I can ask her out in the future once we’ve both figured things out. I feel like this could have come off as needy. But she says of course I can, and we leave it at that.

Finally, a week later, after continuing to remain friends, she wants me back again. We talk, I tell her I’m pretty cautious at this point and I don’t want it to be more of a mess. But she seems really sincere, so I decide to give it one more try. We decide on a date for two days later. A few hours before the date she cancels, says we need to stay friends.

Finally at this point I just said I was done. I’m not mad or hurt, I’m just done with this mess. She apologizes profusely and I basically just tell her I won’t hold a grudge because she’s had a rough year and I won’t hold it against her. But I ask her to please treat people as she wants to be treated. She wants to stay friends.

I guess my question is what could I have done differently? I realize I should have walked away sooner, but this girl is amazing. Ambitious, smart, works really hard (full ride student), and very pretty. The pathetic part is, if in 6 months she changed her mind again I might be willing to try it. It’s not that I’ll wait, I’m pretty confident and I try to go up to random people and meet them several times a week. I just haven’t met anyone I care about more than her, yet.

I learned a lot from this, but I feel like I could learn more if someone else took a look at it.

– Exasperated & Confused

DEAR EXASPERATED & CONFUSED: I’m going to be blunt: what you should’ve done is cut things off a lot sooner, E&C. This was never going to go anywhere. I’m sure that she’s amazing as hell and cartoon birds do her hair in the morning when she gets up, but the fact of the matter is that she was jerking you around.

Now to be clear: it is absolutely awful that she had a s--tty relationship before you got together. She was abused, and that frequently leaves scars. I completely empathize with her over that and hope she gets help because she seems to still be in pain from it. But while the abuse (potentially) explains her actions, it doesn’t excuse them. It would be one thing if she had said “look, I can’t deal with things right now, I’m not in a good place, emotionally, to date, I’m sorry.” But unfortunately, she didn’t.

It’s good that she apologized, which is a solid start. But the truth is that, intentionally or not, her behavior was negatively affecting other people and that’s not cool.

Here’s a truth about dating, E&C: when you date, you open yourself up to the possibility of getting hurt. There are manipulators and users, toxic people and abusers, and there are people who’ll keep dangling themselves on a string to keep you interested but yank it away just as you’re about to reach it. Some may be malicious, some may just be clueless and some may be flailing around trying to figure things out… but it still ends up hurting people on the receiving end.

The way that you keep the toxic people out of your life is developing and maintaining strong boundaries. In the case of this on-again, off-again girl, you were putting up with behavior over and over again that was leaving you confused and upset. That’s a time where you have to have boundaries. Yes, you need boundaries, even with people you care about or who aren’t acting maliciously.

In an ideal world, you would have called things off earlier would. You could have said “Listen, I like you and I think you’re amazing, but I can’t put up with this. You’re going hot and cold on me and it’s confusing, it’s hurtful and I can never know where we stand or what’s happening between us. I don’t know what’s going on and I hope you’re ok, but I can’t keep doing this, and if we’re going to keep doing this dance, then I have to step away.” Then you wait for her response. If she pulled the same behavior again, then you should’ve said “Look, I said I can’t keep doing this.” and walked away. This isn’t how someone treats a friend, never mind how someone treats a potential lover.

The other thing you need to realize: unless she changes her behavior — whether that means getting help that she needs or growing and maturing — then there’s no point in speculating about what might have been or what could still be. She doesn’t sound like she’s in a place to date right now. And yeah, I’m not surprised you’re still hung up on her. I get it. You’re young and unless I miss my guess, this was your first major relationship. But here’s the thing you need to keep in mind: there are other multitudes of women out there who are just as hot and ambitious and smart if not more so. More importantly, there are other hot, ambitious, smart and hardworking women out there who are in a better place emotionally and who won’t make trying to date such a roll of the dice.

My advice? Go out. Date around. Meet other women. Learn how to develop and maintain your boundaries. You can maintain a friendship with her — assuming that she doesn’t keep blowing hot and cold — and date someone who is ready and able to be in a relationship with you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently decided to start looking for a long term relationship, but not for reasons most do: not for the need of love or even a connection to others or a fear of ending up alone. I’m perfectly content with being by myself — I often prefer it. Instead, I’m looking for financial reasons: as in two people paying bills, rent, etc. is cheaper than one.

Now a little bit about myself: I’m a 29 year old guy, I’ve been in a few long term relationships, but I knew it wasn’t really my thing. I stayed in my longest relationship because my life at home was falling apart, and leaning on others was easier than dealing with my situation. After a few relationships, I made the choice of not seeking that in life, but more of short term engagements when I was feeling the need to be with someone. I don’t really need sex or emotional connections; I do enjoy it from time to time but I can long stretches without it. The problem I find  is that as enjoyable as meeting new people is, learning interesting things about them is for lack of a better term… boring. I get bored of people, and when that happens I tend to just end things and move forward with my life until I meet someone who interests me again.

Now I recently went through life changing events. My father passed away over a year ago, and as most do when something that big happens, I took some time to self reflect and see if changes needed to be made. 

These days, I’m in a good place emotionally, which leads me to my wanting to find a long term partner. I have discussed it with some close friends and a few coworkers whose opinions I find often have value and for the most part I keep being told it’s wrong. I’m willing to be all the things that make a good partner for whoever, I just don’t need most of them myself and I’m fine with that. However, I still get told that what I’m doing is bad.  I feel everyone enters into a relationship for their own reasons; this just happens to be the reason I’m looking for one.

Was just looking for the thoughts from someone whose column I enjoy reading

Got To Be In It To Win It

DEAR GOT TO BE IN IT TO WIN IT: Your friends are right, GTBITWI: that’s a shitty reason to be in a relationship with someone.

Your issue here isn’t your motivation, it’s what you’re looking for. If all you’re looking for is someone to split the bills, then you aren’t looking for a romantic relationship, you’re looking for a roommate. 

This is all about expectations and connection. People who are looking for relationships are looking for someone to share their lives with, someone that they have a connection to and to be intimate with — emotionally as well as physically. It doesn’t matter that you’re willing to play the role of “boyfriend” in order to find someone to help you live more frugally; people don’t want someone who’s acting like a caring and attentive partner, they want the real thing. What you’re doing is, at best, offering a sort of long-term “boyfriend experience” in exchange for someone splitting half the rent and utilities. Frankly, unless that’s how you’re actually presenting yourself to people — which sounds more like some form of being a sugar baby, rather than a partner — then all you’re doing is setting them up for disappointment and, likely, heartbreak when you inevitably get bored again.

Do yourself a favor: get off the dating apps and get on Craigslist instead. Find a roommate to split an apartment with and let the folks who are sincerely looking for relationships alone.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:

I have been seeing this guy online for a good 8 months or so. He’s very supportive, kind, silly, sexy, and he doesn’t judge me for having not the best past. We’ve been there for each other, and we’ve helped each other grow a bit. The problem is, we are currently just online FWB.

I’m not so sure I want to be FWB anymore. He knows I care very deeply for him, but hasn’t really given me a response to his feelings for me. He’s been giving me huge mixed signals. One night he told me he prefers to be friends, the next day he tells me he was thinking of me a lot in the hospital, and how he wants to hold my hand and other sweet things like that. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be the girl in “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” and give him a pressuring ultimatum, but I really love him and can’t stand the thought of being an ego boost.

Do I confront him? How? 

Love,

Reading Foggy Tea Leaves

DEAR READING FOGGY TEA LEAVES: Dump his ass.

Sorry. I realize that’s harsh, but he’s straight up jerking you around.

He may be a sweet, supportive guy, but he’s treating you like shit. You and he want entirely different things. You want an actual relationship with everything that means. He wants continuing access to your vagina without actually committing. This is why he’s giving you mixed signals and blows hot and cold; he wants to be friends but he also knows that if he doesn’t keep dangling the relationship carrot in front of you, he’s going to be left alone with his stick. As soon as he said “let’s just be friends” he realized that it was a toe over the line and tried to pull you back in by being all lovey-dovey. He’s taking advantage of the fact that you care for him more than he cares for you and unless you take a stand, that’s all that’s going to happen.

You deserve better than this.

You can give him a heads-up: either you get an answer or you bail… but I’m guessing we both already know what that answer’s going to be.

Drop him like fifth period Calculus and find a dude who is actually in tune with what you want and isn’t going to play games with your emotions.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question about shy nerdy guys and sex. I’m married to one of these types of guys – we’ll call him Tom – so I hope you can offer some special insight in this issue. He’s wonderful, funny, sweet, intelligent guy. With the exception of sex, our relationship is perfect. I know – BIG exception. That’s why I’m writing.

I was Tom’s first lover, and he was mine. No one is good at sex when he or she is a virgin, of course. He’s helped me through some sexual issues I had, and has always been great about learning and doing what I ask. I’ve been happy knowing that it will keep getting better – and it has. However, along the way I’ve had trouble with him being easily offended and not very motivated to improve, and so we’ve come to a bit of a standstill.

I’ve been with Tom for over five years and have had an orgasm during sex exactly 3 times. He orgasms every time, which is the determining factor for when we’re “done”. He’s not overly concerned with the fact that I don’t orgasm during sex, because he thinks it “shouldn’t be all about the orgasm” (a line from our therapist when I was working through my sexual issues), and that I’m “really difficult.” I don’t always have to orgasm, and it’s true I am very difficult to get off. I don’t expect him to be a sex god. But am I wrong or selfish to want him to care and work at it? 

Like most women, I need a lot of foreplay plus clitoral stimulation to orgasm. I’m really turned on by cunnilingus, so I’ve tried to urge him to go that route, but to be blunt with you, Doc: He’s no good at it. He doesn’t like to do it very long, doesn’t get into it, and has a pretty wimpy technique. I have a special clitoral vibrator that I use during sex sometimes, which I got in hopes to alleviate the cunnilingus issue, but so far that hasn’t done the trick either (though that might be because it’s loud and annoying). 

However, he does do things I ask, and I know he will listen to me if I bring this up. These are all things I’ve mentioned to him before, but somehow the message just isn’t getting through to him. He doesn’t totally blow me off; rather it seems like he just completely lacks confidence. He constantly tells me he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and then gets frustrated when it’s not good enough.

So my question is: How can I approach this with him without hurting his feelings? Like I said, Tom is a shy geeky guy, which are traits I love about him. I don’t want to offend him. Is there a good way to approach this with sensitive guys?

Signed,

Woman Wanting Good Sex

DEAR WOMAN WANTING GOOD SEX: No, you’re not being selfish.

However – and I hate to be the one to say it WWGS – your husband is being a selfish dick. I notice that when it’s your orgasm on the line, he’s all about the holistic sexual experience… but I imagine if you happened to quit blowing him right before the point of no return he’d be all kinds of pissed. Orgasms for me but not for thee and all that and if you complain then all the sudden his fee-fees get hurt.

Look, I can understand the frustration that comes with feeling like you’re not good at something that you should be (in this case: getting one’s significant other off) but there comes a point when it’s not about him being sensitive, it’s about him throwing mini-tantrums because… well who knows. So you’re going to have to sit him down and have a bit of a Come (as it were) to Jesus meeting with him. This is one of those times that I would recommend a mix of firmness and positive reinforcement with just a wee bit of appealing to his ego… and possibly the occasional boot-to-ass. Take some time and have a sit-down with your husband and explain that you just aren’t satisfied with your sex life and you really want his help with it and if he’d just do X, Y and Z which turn you on SO much, you would be ever so grateful.

Let’s start with the cunnilingus problem. You get turned on by oral and frankly I feel that unless there was mutual agreement in advance, oral sex should be expected… for everybody. But I’m also not going to tell you to throw the man out because he’s lousy at giving head. Sometimes it’s a matter of just getting him over the hump (seriously, are we not doing “phrasing” anymore?) – finding out exactly what his problem is with giving oral in the first place and then teaching him how to do a proper job of it. I’m hoping, of course, that your man’s not to bust out the whole “smell” or “taste” issue; unless you have an actual problem like vaginosis or trichomoniasis (which are pretty hard to miss), this is one of those times that a dude needs to man the f--k up and get over it. After five years, the man should be used to the fact that bodies have smells and flavors. After all I’m sure he doesn’t expect you to complain about the taste of his penis or pre-cum, which doesn’t taste like maple syrup after all.

(Side note: smoking can affect the taste and smell of both men and women’s secretions. If you smoke, this can be a very good way to help motivate you to quit…)

But assuming that it isn’t about that little immaturity, let’s nail down the specifics. Is he bothered by how long it takes? Does he get fatigued midway through or feel like his jaw’s killing him? These are things that take practice… and you’d be more than willing to help him practice. With technique, explain exactly what it is you need, where you need it and just how hard it has to be. It may help if, as a bit of foreplay, you show him what you need on yourself with your fingers, then demonstrating the necessary tongue action on a sensitive bit of his anatomy, especially the neck or nipples. If you’re the (lucky, rare) sort who tends to orgasm vaginally or needs vaginal stimulation as well as clitoral, encourage him to get his fingers involved (gently). While he’s practicing, make sure to offer vocal encouragement: he’s doing great, you’re getting so hot, just a little harder here baby, etc. He’s probably not going to get you off at first, but don’t let that discourage him (or you) – tell him how close you’re getting and how next time, with just a little more work, he can totally get you there. The more he feels like he’s performing like a sex god, the more he’s going to want to continue and get you off.

If it takes a while for you to get going even with oral, then it might help to pre-game things (as it were) with a vibrator. Your current one isn’t doing the trick, so you should consider trying a different one. Sex shops like Good Vibrations or Toys in Babeland have toys that are specifically supposed to be discrete – helping to eliminate that annoying buzzing sound that may be throwing you off. They also have reviews and suggestions that can help you find your match.

Speaking of:

Most women can’t have an orgasm through penetration alone; they need clitoral stimulation as well and that’s very difficult to do through penetrative sex. If your husband wants to get you off (and I would certainly hope he does…), then it’s going to take going the extra mile or two. If you aren’t already, I would recommend touching yourself during sex to help things along. Now admittedly, some guys can get a little weird about this; after all, porn has taught them all the wrong lessons including that women can have “Look Ma, No Hands” orgasms at the drop of a hat, so the implication that a woman is going to need some extra assistance can feel like a condemnation of their virility and sexual prowess.

This is one reason why sex toys can be of use – teaching him how to use one on you can be incredibly sexy and helps take the intimidation/ego-deflation out of the equation. Make it about how he’s getting you off, not the toy; the toy is nothing without him. There are also a number of couple’s vibrators, including rings that are meant to be worn on the base of the penis that help stimulate the clit during penetration.

Emphasize how important it is that you both enjoy sex as much as possible – and how you want him to please you. And if he starts to be a baby about it, even with your being encouraging and open… well, then it’s time to drop the hammer. No oral for you means no oral for him. Period.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com