DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I desperately need your help. I’m in my 30s and I can’t seem to move out of the “acquaintance zone” when it comes to making friends.

Growing up, I never had to exercise my friendship making muscles. In high school, I met my best friend immediately and since everyone loved them and we were a package deal, I had a large social circle. Even though we went our separate ways after graduation, I met a classmate on my first day of college who already had a tight-knit group of friends at the school and through my connection with them, I had a close circle of friends for four years. Right after that, I entered a long-term relationship where we spent every weekend with my partner’s friends, so I never felt the need to meet people on my own. My partner and I eventually split up and when they left, so did all “our” friends.

I came to find out that my partner’s friends never liked me very much because of my attitude. In trying to be funny and relatable, I ended up being a very mean and judgmental person with a negative attitude and a nasty habit of talking badly about everyone behind their backs. I was initially hurt by the feedback, but I came to realize that their feedback was a gift and I needed to work on myself or be friendless forever. I worked very hard on making myself a better person, entering therapy, getting proper medication for my issues, picking up new hobbies and an exercise routine and reading lots of advice on how to make friends as an adult.

Eventually, I felt ready to put myself back out there and started joining some clubs and teams that aligned with my interest. I also became more extroverted at work, leaving my desk to spend time with co-workers and coming early to meetings to socialize. Throughout all of this, I’ve been very conscious of not being the jerk I was in my 20s. I find now that I’m able to connect with people on a surface level where they spend time with me at group outings, comment on my social media and act interested in my life, but when there’s a small group going to lunch or a get together outside of our organization, I’m never invited. If I try to arrange something myself I get a non-committal answer and end up being blown off. I seem to be great at making acquaintances, but I can’t cross that threshold into friendship.

To make things more confusing, I have no trouble finding romantic relationships. I’m not particularly attractive or otherwise outstanding as a romantic partner, yet somehow, I find it easy to attract healthy, fulfilling and long-lasting relationship. I’m grateful for this, but I don’t know why I can’t do the same with platonic friendships.

My hygiene is good, I am outgoing, I am interested in what other people have to say, I’m considerate, I’m laid back and I have a wide variety of interests. I feel like I’m the total friend package. What am I doing wrong, Doctor?

– I Want To Be In the “Friend Zone”

DEAR I WANT TO BE IN THE “FRIEND ZONE”: You have a common issue, IWTBITFZ. We as a society are dealing with an epidemic of loneliness — one that has only been exacerbated by the COVID pandemic. We’ve been living increasingly isolated and solitary lives, more so than previous generations, and that takes its toll. Beyond the obvious psychological and mental health implications, loneliness is as bad, if not worse for us as smoking and heart disease. Men, in particular, are hit the hardest by chronic loneliness; after we turn 12, we start to be deluged with the messages that equate emotional intimacy with romantic and sexual intimacy. As a result, we pull back from our guy friends and have less intimate, more activity-based friendships. Our friendships become less about getting together to talk and spend time with one another; we need an activity or excuse that gives us permission in order to do so. And for straight men especially, our partners often take the role of social secretary, shouldering the responsibility of not just arranging get-togethers but managing friendships and relationships. If our partners leave or those relationships end, our friendships tend to wither away at the same time.

As a consequence of this, those social muscles tend to atrophy due to lack of use. That makes it more daunting to make new friends, especially as an adult out of college.

In your case, IWTBITFZ, you gave yourself an extra layer of difficulty. Like a lot of guys, you mistook being sardonic for being clever, cruel for being smart and snark for a personality. House and Rick Sanchez are only appealing on TV; nobody would tolerate them for longer than a hot minute in the real world. So on top of having to rebuild those social muscles, you are having to dig yourself out of a self-imposed hole and rebuild a personality more or less from the ground up.

And hey, you’ve been doing exactly that! That’s awesome, and that’s something you should be proud of. But what that means is that you’re now playing a lot of catch up in order to build a new social circle and move from acquaintances to friends.

One of the issues you’re dealing with is that you’re having to undo a lot of damage that you did before you realized just how much of an asshole you were being. If your coworkers knew you before you and your partner broke up and you started going into therapy, then they already have a solid mental image of who you are as a person. It can be incredibly difficult to shift a negative first impression, in no small part because it becomes the filter through which people see your every move. If you were already a snarky jerk at work, then even being coming back around and trying to be a good guy is going to set off people’s Spidey-Sense. They’re — quite understandably — going to feel like there’s a trap they can’t quite see. Are you being genuine, or are you being nice to their face just so that you can talk s--t about them behind their backs?

The only way you can change that impression is to show that it was wrong or no longer valid… and the longer you were the snarky asshole, the harder it is to demonstrate that change.

The other issue is that friendships are slow to develop. Part of why it’s so easy to make friends in high-school and college is that you are surrounded by people who are similar to you, in similar places in life, who you see every day… often for hours at a time. It’s a perfect storm of circumstances that we almost never see in life again. Once we leave college, we rarely have the same amount of free time to devote purely to socializing. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, life has a tendency to get in the way, especially as our lives change and responsibilities mount up. Work, relationships, children… all of these take up our day, leaving less and less time to spend with friends or to make friends.

Now the good news is that you can solve both of these issues at approximately the same time.

The bad news is that the way you solve them is through time and consistency. Even under the best of circumstances, it takes between 40 – 60 hours together to go from acquaintances to casual friends, between 80 – 100 hours to go from casual friends to friends and about 200 hours to go from friends to close friends. This is why it felt so effortless while you were in school; since you and your peers were together all day, five days a week minimum, you burned through those hours before you even realized it. Now, it’s much harder to get together with your good friends once a week, nevermind people you’re only just starting to get to know. As the joke goes: the real fantasy of Dungeons and Dragons is the idea that six people in their 30s can get together every week for hours at a time.

To be sure: you have made a start, and that’s good. You’re making inroads with co-worker, you’ve joined clubs and met people who share similar interests. Finding your tribe, your team, your people is a critical part of laying the foundation for making new friends.

But it’s important to realize that this is just how the whole process starts. What you need to do now is make sure that you keep building on those connections. One of the things that you may want to consider — especially if you’re still trying to overcome a reputation as That Asshole At Work — is to focus on people on an individual level, not just the group. One of the most valuable things a person can have — whether they’re looking for a romantic partner, a job, or just making new friends — is social proof; that is, people who will vouch for you to others. Just as being friends with women makes it easier to meet women who want to date you, having folks at work who can say “yeah, IWTBITFZ was a s--thead but he’s really made a change” goes a long way towards shifting those initial impressions of you. And even if that wasn’t your at-work reputation, having a solid connection with one person makes it easier to start connecting with others. The first adopter or first follower is often the most important because they’re the ones that inspire others to join in. Once people see that Jay or Neilson or Caroline like spending time with you, they’re much more likely to also spend time with you. That makes it easier to plan group events that people will actually show up for.

Another thing to remember is that you’re going to need to not just build those connections, but to maintain them. This is where repetition and consistency come into play. Sociologists say that it takes getting together at least once every couple of weeks in order to maintain a friendship. Having regularly scheduled get-togethers makes it much easier to keep friendships going. If you’re springing a Friday night get together on folks on Wednesday or Thursday, you run the risk of their already having made plans. When people know that there’s a poker night every other Friday, they’re more likely to carve out the time in their schedule to ensure they show up. And if they can’t make it that time, knowing that there’ll be another makes them more likely to show up for the next. Plus, having those regular events and get-togethers gives you something to invite new folks to, or to tell your casual acquaintances to bring some of their friends. That, in turn, helps you make a stronger, more positive first impression with the new folks and cement a reputation as The Guy That Holds Cool Parties or what-have-you.

Most importantly, however, is that you want to be the friend that you want to have. Whether you’re dealing with people on a one-on-one basis or as a group, you want to model the sort of friendship that you’re looking for. Humans are pack animals after all, and we take our cues from the people around us. When you act like the friend that you want to have, you’re demonstrating to them the sort of behavior you would like to see and, in turn, giving them permission to act the same way. The more you can show folks who you are now and what you are looking for, the more likely you are to find the people who are looking for the same thing… and who are willing to follow your lead.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My boyfriend and I (a man) have been together for just over two years. I feel like we moved much too fast at the beginning of our relationship. We said the L word before even having been together for 2 weeks, and we moved in together after 6 months. I have also been having doubts in general about whether I wanna stay in this relationship. (I’m pretty sure I’ve already made up my mind, but I don’t know how to go about it.)

At the beginning of the year, we took some time away from each other, thinking that would help, and it did for a hot minute, but now we’re right back where we started. I think this relationship has reached its natural conclusion, to use a term learned from you. I think it might be useful to note that he loves me to the point where he’ll have me in any way he can get me, which I think is extremely unhealthy.

Recently, he’s started telling me not to masturbate. In his defense, I don’t get horny very often, which means we don’t have sex as often as he’d like. Now, I’m the kind of person that if you tell me not to do something, that’s only gonna make me wanna do it more. He doesn’t really tell me what to do in other aspects of life, but this is kinda the straw that broke the camel’s back for me.

The only thing that’s keeping me from pulling the trigger is myself. He’s become such a strong and constant presence in my life over the last two years and I’m terrified of starting over.

I’d love to hear your two cents.

Sincerely,

Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place

DEAR CAUGHT BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE: So there’re two things here I want to focus on, but let’s start with the obvious: you’ve already decided that you’re going to break up with him. The only question is “when” and “how”.

But before we get to that, I want to zero in on the “told me not to masturbate” part because I think this is an indicator of a disconnect in your relationship. This may be one of the reasons why it’s reached its end, it may be a “final straw”,  but I think it’s also a sign that there’s possibly some communication issues going on.

Normally, I would say that demanding that one’s partner stop masturbating (or looking at porn or whatever other harmless-yet-emotionally-fraught-habit comes up) is a fracture point outside of some sort of chastity-play scenario. Demanding veto power over what a person does with their own body is demanding a surrender of control that most people aren’t going to be cool with. In fact, that’s part of why the Proud Boys and other groups make such a big deal about restricting masturbation; it’s demanding that you give up your bodily autonomy to someone else.

However, in this case, context is key and there’s some important context here: you have a lower sex drive than he does and he’s feeling neglected, sexually. In this case, I suspect that the issue is less “I demand that you give up your right to masturbate so that I may control your actions” and “Look, we’re not having much sex as it is, I would appreciate it if you didn’t jerk off and lower the odds of us having sex even further.” Now, if that’s what he meant and he didn’t phrase it as clearly as he could have… well, that’s a communication snafu in and of itself. But if it is a case of his asking for you to do something to up the odds of the intimacy that he feels is lacking… I honestly don’t think that’s such a big ask. And under those circumstances, a reflexive “I shall INCREASE THE THING” becomes kind of inconsiderate. Either way: that’s the sort of thing that needs to be discussed openly and clearly. Misunderstandings can end up being the metaphorical pebble in the shoe for relationships.

But again, you’ve already decided that you’re out the door, so it’s a mostly moot point, although I’d say pointedly jacking it is going to be actively disrespectful even as the relationship is coming to an end.

And that’s really the issue here: what’s the best way to end a relationship that’s all but over anyway?

My overall philosophy about break ups is relatively simple: try to avoid as much unnecessary pain as possible. It’s more or less impossible to end a relationship without some pain — there really isn’t a good way to say “I don’t want to date you any more — but a lot of the pain of a break-up is often something that can be avoided. Part of the process is making it as quick and clean of a break as you can. Long, lingering break-ups are soul-crushing, especially when the person being broken up with doesn’t realize how long it has actually been going on. A lot of folks find out that their ex was ready to hit the eject button a lot earlier than they actually did, and that retroactively poisons the relationship. Now they’re left having to wonder just how many “happy” memories they have actually involved their partner dying to be away from them.

The same goes for trying to be friends afterwards. While, again, I’m firmly on the record that being friends with one’s exes is a mark in a person’s favor, a lot of folks try to do the “we can still be friends” far too early — often as soon as the break up is official. This tends to be a huge mistake, albeit one that usually comes from a place of good intentions. 99% of the time, neither of you are in a place where you can be friends yet; you need time to heal, distance from the relationship to get perspective and a chance to rediscover who you are, now that you’re no longer part of a gestalt whole. When you try to make the immediate leap from “lovers” to “friends” with no time between, you often either just continue the same dynamics that broke you up in the first place… or you get one person who’s done and ready to move on and another who thinks that this is a temporary measure and that there’s a way to get back together again. That second one is especially prevalent when one person started getting over the relationship before it even ended. As a result: you get a lot of hurt feelings, a lot of (not unreasonable) accusations of unfairness, bad faith or manipulation and no small amount of heartbreak on top of heartbreak.

All of this is why I think that if you’re going to do this, CBRHP, then you should do it quickly, cleanly and definitively. That means being absolutely clear that this is a break up, not a “break”. It also means being firm and direct: you’re ending things because this relationship is no longer right for you. I know there’s the temptation to soft-sell the break-up, but honestly I find that this backfires more often than it helps. Giving some squishy reason why it has to end — you’re not in the right place right now, you need to explore options, what-have-you — tends to give the impression that this is a temporary situation. It also gives the impression that you’ve got second thoughts but you’re doing this anyway and leads the person being dumped to try to plead for more time and to try to kick the can down the road… usually in hopes that the dumper will stay, after all. Not only does this turn into a laborious “slowly-peeling-off-the-bandage” process, but the truth usually comes out anyway and causes more hurt down the line. Making a clean break means being willing to own the one-sided-ness of the break-up. Yeah, it may make you feel like the asshole… but how long are you going to stick around in order to avoid that? Another month? Six months? A year?

The same goes for being terrified of starting over. While I absolutely get that fear… again, how long are you going to stick in a relationship that isn’t working for either of you just to avoid that momentary discomfort? How long are you going to keep your boyfriend living a false dream, just because you are worried — understandably — about being single again for the first time in a while?

Here’s my suggestion: make your preparations now — both for ending things cleanly with your boyfriend but also to give him as gentle a landing as you can. You want to be in a position that you can cut ties as cleanly and quickly as possible after saying the words “I’m breaking up with you”. That means arranging the logistics of your leaving in such a way that you don’t drag things out and have an extended series of mini-break-ups after the fact.  That may well mean having made arrangements to stay somewhere else — either until you find a new place or he does, assuming you’re still living together after your time apart. It also means giving friends — his or mutual  — a heads up that your ex is going to need company and TLC  (as much as one can give during a pandemic and quarantine, granted) because you’re about to end things with him.

Now you may not be able to get everything in place right off the bat. Don’t let that be an excuse for putting off the break up. The longer that lingers, the worse it’s going to be all around. And when you do end things: try to be as compassionate and respectful as you can. You may be doing something that needs to happen, but it still hurts and it’s going to suck for everyone. You don’t have to tell him that this is because you think you two moved too fast, or that you think his feelings for you are unhealthy. You don’t need to run down all the reasons why you’re ending it. All he needs to know is that this is no longer working for you, and you’re ending it. A unilateral break may feel unfair, but hey: relationships aren’t like launching the nukes. It doesn’t take two people to turn the keys; if one person decides it’s done, then it’s done.

The more respect you can treat your boyfriend with as you end things, the greater the odds that you and he can find a way to be friends again afterwards.

It sucks and I’m sorry it’s come to this, CBRHP. But the clean break heals the fastest, and that’s the kindest thing you can do for him right now. It may not feel that way right now, but it’ll make all the difference down the line.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a woman in my early-mid 30s dating a man just into his late 30s. I’ve always been a bookish dork who was better at alphabetising her video games and colour-coding her anime plushies than being social (big time introvert), so when I found a cute ambivert who orders his graphic novel collection chronologically and loves SFF almost as much as I do (though admittedly, he has way more replicas of the Enterprise), well, I was delighted.

He and I first met about five years ago via an online dating site. We hit it off instantly and after about 10 days agreed to meet in person. Our first date was amazing, and just like that, we were regularly going on 1-3 dates a week. However, about two months in – when I was really starting to fall for him – he broke things off with “I don’t really think this is working, sorry”. I was gutted – we had great chemistry, and from my perspective, everything had seemed to be going well. But I’m not one to chase attention from people who don’t want to give me any, so I didn’t try to change his mind – I took it on the chin, wished him the best and did my best to forget about him (can’t lie though, I cried a LOT – for weeks). One year after he dumped me (almost exactly to the day, even), after we’d been hanging out as friends following a chance meeting in town some weeks earlier, he kissed me as he dropped me home and asked if we could give things another try. If I’m completely honest, the feelings I’d started having for him had never really gone away, so I said yes.

We’ve now been dating exclusively for almost four years. He is wonderful, the best man I have ever met: he’s kind, thoughtful, supportive, generous, a tender and talented lover, handsome, patient, accomplished in his career (in our shared, stereotypically nerdy industry), sweet & understanding to my mother (a widow & still grieving the loss of all my siblings to congenital disease). I’ve met his parents, siblings, nieces & nephews, we’ve been on multiple holidays together (including one with his best friend & his best friend’s wife), he’s been nothing short of great as I’ve pursued a second degree part-time, we had the “kids chat” and agreed neither of us wants to be a parent (phew – I’ve known for a long time I didn’t want to have children, but he was a “maybe” until his siblings had kids, now he says he’s very happy being an uncle and doesn’t want to be a dad).

All sounds idyllic, right? And it is, I’m very happy and fulfilled except for the fact that we still live separately (I rent in the urban area where we both work, he has a mortgage on a small house in the suburbs). He first brought up the idea of us living together late last summer/early last autumn. I was very happy about this, as I know that he is the person I want to build a future and get old with – but now, given that we haven’t made any progress towards actually making it happen five or six months later, I’m getting a bit worried that maybe we aren’t on the same page about it after all, or that he isn’t actually that sure he wants to live with me. [We live in a country where COVID precautions/restrictions could potentially make certain aspects of moving more difficult, but wouldn’t be enough to make the process impossible.]

I love him deeply, and more than anything, I want him to be happy. Obviously, I really want him to find that happiness with me. He’s a truly beautiful soul and deserves all the joy and success and love in the world. But I know I deserve those things too, and I’m at a point where part of feeling like I have that is sharing a home with someone as committed to a loving future as I am. That doesn’t mean I need him to marry me tomorrow, or even in the next year or two… but it would be nice to know he actively wants us to live together and at least sees marriage in our future, or if the worst case scenario is true and he’s decided he doesn’t want either of those things, that he can admit to me that he just doesn’t want to live together (or get married). I love him enough to let him go (and be happy without me) if that’s what it takes.

I suppose what it comes down to is that in terms of progression, it feels to me like we’ve hit a hump and there’s an imbalance in how eager each of us is to get over said hump. He obliquely referenced the idea of living together again (at some point in the undetermined future) last weekend, so I asked him if he had any thoughts on what that timeline looked like for him, and it was ‘summer-ish, I guess’. I then asked for clarification whether summer meant more like May or more like August/September to him, and he said ‘July-ish?’. Which I’m fine with – if it actually happens. But given that since he first brought it up, we’ve only discussed living together when I initiate the conversation, I’m a little wary of being breadcrumbed. (I wouldn’t really describe him as commitment-phobic, though I am his first long-term girlfriend, and we were each other’s first intimate/sexual partner.)

I don’t think it’s too unrealistic or unreasonable to be feeling kind of sad he and I aren’t living together yet after almost four years. I know that this is a conversation I need to have with him, however scary – and I’m going to, but I’d really appreciate some advice on how to approach the issues. I’m neurodivergent and sometimes struggle to express myself as clearly/fluently as I would like… the last thing I want to do is come across like I’m trying to break up with him on the spot if he doesn’t want us to move in together immediately or that I’m trying to issue some sort of deadline by which he needs to propose or whatever. Either would be horribly unromantic and counterproductive. But I do need to work out the best way of communicating to him that I’m not going to sit around forever idly hoping he’ll want to ACTUALLY live together one day – I would rather be alone than be uncertain about my relationship/future indefinitely, and I’d also rather be alone than be offered a commitment by someone who felt like they only did it because they felt they had to or were expected to. So any tips you’ve got for navigating this topic with him, I will receive gratefully.

Yours in hope,

Two Houses, Unalike In Dignity

DEAR TWO HOUSES UNALIKE IN DIGNITY: This is one of those times where you and your boyfriend are gonna have to sit down and have an Awkward Conversation, THUID. It’s clear that there’s a disconnect somewhere between the two of you about your long-term goals and that disconnect is making things uncomfortable for you. Carving out time to sit down, explain why moving in together is important to you, why you get anxious about this open-endedness and why you would like some clarity is going to be important. But it’s also going to be important to let him have his say — including being willing to give him space to share any worries or misgivings he may have without judgement. And to make it clear that he can express any worries or anxieties he may have without having to worry that it’s going to blow up the relationship. And that may include being willing to hear that he doesn’t want to live together or that he has worries about it.

Often when you run into a situation like this, where one partner is giving vague or non-committal answers to future plans, the issue is that either they don’t want to do the thing and they’re afraid to say so… or there’s some aspect to it that bothers them, but they worry that bringing it up is going to destroy the relationship. But because they know that it’s important to the other partner, they try to give just enough to satisfy the partner without actually committing to something in a way that doesn’t allow them to kick that proverbial can down the road a little further.

The problem is: you can only kick it down the road so long before you run out of time and then someone calls the question. And when that happens, nobody has dealt with what the actual issues are and so everything gets incredibly messy and instead of an awkward conversation, you end up having a potential relationship extinction-level event instead.

It sounds to me like your boyfriend isn’t keen on the idea of living together. The big question is… why, exactly? You’ve been together for four year and change, so it’s hardly an issue of being commitment averse. In the spirit of honesty, it could be that he’s trying to slow-walk out of the relationship and thus doesn’t want to move in together. But while that may be a nightmare scenario, it’s not the only possibility, nor even the most likely one. It may be that he likes a certain amount of alone time or unstructured freedom and living together makes that more difficult. It could be that he doesn’t like the idea of what living with another person may mean for him and his lifestyle, structure or routine.  He may feel like circumstances are bad for trying to move in together, especially if that means having to give up his place and going through the hell that is apartment or house hunting. Or there may be some emotional association he has with shacking up that gives him pause; maybe he’s seen too many of his friends’ relationships fall apart after everyone moved in together and he’s worried that’ll happen to the two of you.

So when you have the Awkward Conversation, you want to share your side of things — making it clear that this is just how you feel, not blaming him or accusing him. You want to share why you feel like this is important to you, what an ideal solution would be and why this would make things better for the both of you. But then, give him his space to share his side openly, honestly and without interruption until he’s done, just as he did for you.

And when you’ve heard each others’ sides and are sure you understand where the other is coming from… it’ll be time to try to see if there’s a way to resolve the issue. And to be clear: resolving the issue doesn’t automatically mean “finding a compromise that allows the two of you to finally move in together”. Just as he should give consideration to moving in with you, you should be asking yourself whether not living under the same roof is an absolute dealbreaker for you. While living together is something most couples move towards, that doesn’t mean that it’s necessary for the relationship. There are couples who don’t share a bedroom and instead have their own space. There’re couples — including married couples — who don’t live together. They live close to one another — sometimes in the same apartment building or condo, sometimes even in adjoining duplexes — but they both have their own separate homes and they’re all the happier for it. Not living under the same roof doesn’t make their relationship any less valid or any less committed; it’s just how they’ve decided to structure their relationship.

That’s the great thing about relationships; you and your partner get to set your own rules and figure out what works for you.

So make that appointment to have The Awkward Conversation. Be willing to be open and honest and non-judgemental with each other, even if it’s scary. And then be willing to ask yourself how much you’re both willing to bend on this particular subject. It may be that there’s some way to assuage whatever worries he has. Or there may be a way of making things work even if you don’t live together in the traditional sense.

And one last thing: while you don’t want to use The Awkward Conversation as a way of kicking the can even further down the road, you don’t need to have an answer immediately. You and your boyfriend may need to give yourselves a little time to really chew on things, process what you’ve had to say and then start working towards a solution. That’s a lot easier to do if you don’t feel like you have to have that solution by the end of of business that day. Giving yourselves a some space to process, a little room to see how you feel and then come back to the topic. That extra time may make all the difference.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com