DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My last (and first) girlfriend broke up with me because I’m a virgin, even though she said she wouldn’t hold it against me when I told her. She said she was afraid she wouldn’t love me if the sex wasn’t good.

She also said it bothered her when I told her I loved her.

How do I get over this?

Shot Down In Flames

DEAR SHOT DOWN IN FLAMES: So, I get a lot of comments like this whenever I write about virginity, especially male virginity, and more often than not it’s pretty clear that the story being presented isn’t what actually happened. This isn’t to say that people are lying, so much as slapping a very thick filter over everything that happened. It’s very easy to assume that the thing that YOU are most concerned with was, in fact, the reason the scenario you were afraid of occurred. Especially if it’s something you already believe marks you out as being one of the Great Unf--kables, someone who’s been given the bird by the Fickle Finger of Fate.

In reality, it’s almost never that least and clean. There’re usually other issues that actually prompted the break-up and the ONE issue — virginity, in this case — is the scapegoat.

But hey, you caught me in a generous mood, so while there is definitely a big ol’ [citation needed] appended to your letter, I’m going to take you at your word that this happened exactly as you say it did.

The problem here isn’t that you’re a virgin, SDIF. The problem is that you were dating an asshole. An asshole who, I might add, doesn’t seem to have really liked you all that much.

Now, I’m on the record as being firmly of the belief that it’s important to prioritize sexual satisfaction and sexual compatibility in a relationship. If one or both partners aren’t enjoying the sex they’re having in a relationship, that’s going to be a metaphorical stone in the shoe that’s going to ruin everything. Sex pretty much always wins in the end.

(And to be perfectly clear: sexual satisfaction and compatibility also encompasses people who are demisexual or asexual. Ace folks, especially sex-averse ace folks, who’re feeling compelled to have sex they don’t want are just as badly served by the relationship as couples having bad or unsatisfying sex.)

But while sexual compatibility and satisfaction are important and something to be prioritized, that doesn’t mean that virgins are shit out of luck by definition. To start with, being a virgin doesn’t mean being a bad lover, any more than having had hundreds of partners means that you’re amazing in bed. Much of what makes the difference between bad sex and great sex is clear communication, a willingness to listen, pay attention and take direction without letting your ego get in the way. Lots of folks — women included — have had great sex even though it was their partner’s first time.

By that same token, there are many, many women — including people who’ve written in, people who comment here and people in the Dr. NerdLove and NerdLove Academy Facebook groups — who’ve slept with virgins and many who actively enjoy it.

So while this singular woman broke up with you, presumably because you’re a virgin, that doesn’t mean that all women will. It means that you met one asshole. Maybe she meant it when she said she wouldn’t hold it against you and simply wasn’t able to keep that promise. Maybe she just said it because she felt like she should. Either way, it sounds like she treated you pretty callously and that’s a good sign that you’re better off without her. The fact is that, while this absolutely hurts, she did you a favor. The way she behaved marked her as someone you wouldn’t want to lose your virginity to. It doesn’t sound like she would be a caring, sensitive or communicative partner at all and your first time would likely have been disappointing at best. So you likely dodged a bullet here.

But there’s also the part of where she says it bothered her when you said that you loved her. Now without more detail it’s impossible to really say what’s up with that… but there’re two distinct possibilities. The first is that it bothered her because she didn’t care for you and hearing that you loved her made her feel bad because she knew she was going to dump you anyway. That’s on her. The second possibility is that you fell a little too hard and a little too fast and that weirded her out. Now that’s the result of inexperience and is something a lot of folks go through. That tends to be the sort of thing that you really only learn how to gauge by going through it. Again, it sucks… but it also sounds like your ex was someone you’re better off leaving in your rearview mirror. There are far better — and more diplomatic — ways of dealing with that situation and she basically failed at it entirely.

So all in all: I think you dodged a bullet, SDIF. It sucks it fell out this way, but it’s almost certainly going to be better for you in the long run.

That’s why the way you get over this is to recognize that you got lucky — not in the way you were hoping, granted — and move on to date other people. You met an asshole, but there are many many more women out there who are awesome and would love to take someone like you and show them the ropes. It may be a short-term relationship, it may be next love of your life… but those women are out there. And with time and experience (and you sound pretty damn young, SDIF) you’ll realize that this was a singular point in time, not something that’s going to define the rest of your life.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: As a 22 year old guy, I have no idea how to express myself sexually, since I’ve never really done that before.  It helps to state upfront what I’m looking for: when I say “express myself sexually”, I mean it fairly literally. I want other people to talk to about my desires and fantasies. I have a lot of “ideas” in my head and I want to meet other people who are into the same stuff as me. It’s really that simple. I’m not asking for the intimacy or relationship of a “sex partner”, because I don’t necessarily need a “sex partner” anymore than I’d need a “Star Wars movie watching partner”. Rather what I need is a kind of “fandom” I can join, or even just a “sexual friend” (not FWB, literally just “friend who’s into the same sexual stuff in the same way we’d like the same TV show”). I don’t need a full-blown relationship, just someone I can just “geek out” with and share interests with. It could be as simple as an adult pen pal, or someone I meet up with for coffee once or twice a month. I literally just want a safe place and a safe person to share myself with, and someone who can share themselves with me. I’m not asking for a full-blown swingers or BDSM club, just an adults-only space to talk to others about adults-only stuff.

On one hand, I understand this question seems a bit ridiculous because of how easy the need should be to meet even without your help. There are tons of groups and places out there in real life, to say nothing of the infinite variety of online communities. Why would anyone have trouble finding a place where they can talk about even the most obscure stuff?

For me, the problem is that I’m a very cautious, perhaps even paranoid person, and combined with my sexual naivety I just don’t know how to navigate and explore the adult world safely.

My sense of caution is borne from the fact that my life as a whole is more important than any sex life I could ever have. If I was guaranteed a 40-year career with decent pay and benefits, comfortable retirement, a nice house, respect by my peers in the field, etc and the condition was never experiencing any sexual pleasure ever again, I would take that deal. Contrariwise, I’ve come an enormously long way in my life, and it would be awful to ruin it all just because I wanted to have some fun. If I play my cards right I’m set for a very good life, but as far as exploring and expressing myself sexually as an adult, I don’t know what game I’m even playing. I don’t want to make a bad decision by not knowing what I’m getting into, get involved in something dangerous or illegal, and then have my life ruined just because I was horny and didn’t know what to do with myself.

As an example of how my problem works, I know there are message boards, subreddits, websites, chatrooms, etc dedicated to exactly the kind of stuff I like, but since people can easily hide who they are online, I don’t want to risk talking with somebody who turns out to be underage. As such, I don’t go to such places or do such things. No matter how much I want to interact with others, I don’t do that because I have too much to lose if something goes wrong, and the fear of something going wrong would ruin the fun of something that goes right.

To steal a metaphor from someone I heard once, my sex life is like being stranded in the ocean: surrounded by water, none of it drinkable. Or at least that’s how I’d describe the situation for online communities. With regards to real-life communities for adults, I’m in a desert: no idea of where to even find water.

Yet at the same time, I can’t help but feel that I’m too responsible and big-picture minded for my own good, that I’m over-cautious and paranoid, and that maybe I’m surrounded by tons of great options I’m just too scared to look into, or because of my naivety even safe things look scary since I don’t have the experience to know they’re trustworthy. Yes, it’s my determination that my life as a whole is better and more important than any sex life I could possibly have, but at the same time sexuality is a basic human urge, and I’m caught between “I can satisfy myself safely if I know what I’m doing. Hundreds of millions of people watch porn, role-play, go to strip/kink/swinger/BDSM clubs, etc and they’re just fine.” versus “I don’t know that much about the adult world or how to get into it, and even if I did the safest option is to do nothing.”. It’s a battle between “My fear is possibly irrational, and I can afford to have some fun.” versus “No amount of fun is worth the risk. Fear keeps me safe.”

My current solution is to avoid interacting with others for maximum safety and focus entirely on what I can do for myself. More specifically, I harness my skills as a writer and make stories for myself, but in a lot of ways this just highlights why I want another human being to express myself to: I’d like someone other than me to listen to and enjoy my fantasies. I’d like to know what someone else thinks of them, or what their own twists on my scenarios would be. I also want to learn about what someone else likes, even if I don’t like it as well. I know exactly what I like, but someone else has the potential to reveal something I didn’t even know I wanted, or offer some other new idea or perspective I hadn’t thought of before. Ironically, writing erotic literature for myself has taught me about what an adult “partner” and “intimacy” is really all about. It’s not just someone else who can make you orgasm. It’s the emotional connection of sharing our deepest desires with someone, and them trusting us with theirs. I want that experience of sitting down and talking to someone about our turn-ons as casually as we’d discuss our favorite movies. I want to know that part of someone, and I want them to know that part of me.

Once more, I’m not even looking for a sex partner or girlfriend, at least in the normal sense of the word. The intimacy I’m looking for is actually closer to being fans of the same sports team or TV show rather than sharing the same bed. Heck, I’m completely open to talking about myself to another guy. Literally anyone 18 or over who can say “Yeah, me too.” is fine by me.

Sincerely,

Cautious Yet Curious

DEAR CAUTIOUS YET CURIOUS: Yes, CYC, you’ve nailed it on the head already: you’re playing things far too cautiously, under the assumption that the stakes are far higher than you think they are. Your aversion to risk, quite honestly, borders on the pathological. Now, you don’t mention whether this aversion to risk strictly revolves around sex and sexuality, or if it reaches into other areas of your life… but either way, there’s a simple truth: there is no such thing as a life without risk. Everything in life, up to and including just getting out of bed, entails an element of risk. There is no such thing as a perfectly, 100% assurance of safety in literally anything you do. The questions you have to ask are:

1. How high is the risk of something going wrong?

2. What are the realistic consequences of that risk?

3. What can I do to mitigate that risk ?

4. Is the reward worth the risk?

Downhill skiing, for example, is an incredibly risky sport. People injure themselves or die every year because of the dangers inherent to the sport. And yet, tens of thousands of people go skiing all winter and spring — and most without injury. They’ve looked at the odds, they’ve taken what steps they feel are appropriate to managing that risk (wearing helmets, skiing on slopes that equate to their ability, etc) and the reward — the thrill of skiing — is seen as being worth the risk. Driving a car is, likewise, one of the riskiest things you can do. The statistics of people who are injured, crippled or killed because of driving are horrific when you look at them. But again: people gauge the risks, mitigate them as best they can and decide that the benefit is worth the acceptance of risk.

In your case, CYC, your fear of taking those risks is keeping you from reaching out for what you’re trying to find. After all, there’re a number of places where, if all you’re looking for is frank and open conversation about sex and sexual interests, there are quite literally thousands of places. The most obvious are online communities that are specifically oriented towards those discussions. And while many of them are more aimed at a prurient experience — that is, folks are looking to get off on these discussions — there are many that are specifically for folks who want to ask “is this normal?” or even just hash s--t out. Reddit has subreddits specifically for this. Fetish sites like FetLife, likewise, have forums that are for discussing of kinks and fantasies.

But what I think you’re probably going to want are sex educator or sex positive communities — the people who hang out in those tend to be loud and proud sex nerds, who like discussing sex for the discussion’s sake, rather than getting off. Considering some of the things that you talk about in your letter — including the parts I had to cut — you should probably start with Scarleteen; this is a sex ed site for teens and emerging adults. They have a number of resources, including message boards; these would be useful to you, and I would strongly suggest lurking for a while before participating so that you can get the vibe for the boards.

There are also a host of communities specifically for posting erotic fiction and hearing back from the readers. An Archive Of Our Own is possibly the most famous, though it’s specifically for fan-fiction, erotic or not. There’s also sites like Literotica, and of course, any number of subreddits and smaller forums to be found if you go looking.

But if I’m being perfectly honest, CYC, the issue isn’t whether you’re going to find a place to just geek out over sex and sexuality. It’s your fear that somehow this is going to destroy you. The things you seem to be worried about — that somehow you’re going to get in trouble for either talking about sexual activities or that you’re going to somehow be misled into illegal sexual activities — feels like it’s not just paranoia. A lot of the way you talk about this, from your word choice to the oddly specific fears, makes it seem like this is driven by shame, rather than garden-variety paranoia. There’s a real “sex is bad because it’s going to destroy your life” vibe to what you’ve written and it makes me wonder just where this came from. That’s not something that just crops up on its own; more often than not, this is something that’s instilled in people. That may be from educators, from religion and religious leaders or your folks. And honestly, that combination of shame, fear and ignorance is going to be a constant series of stumbling blocks for you, CYC. The irony of it is that this combo of shame and ignorance is far more likely to get you in trouble than browsing dodgy subreddits or making a FetLife account. The truth is that sex pretty much always wins in the end. It’s why gay conversion therapy is just torture by another name. It’s why people continue to have sex even when it could literally get them arrested or killed. 

That’s why I think what you need, more than anything else is education. And quite possibly a few sessions with a therapist to unpack this level of paranoia you seem to have. That’s one reason why I suggest you check out Scarleteen first and foremost; they’re going to be an excellent resource for you with practical and applicable advice and information both about sex in general and about your worries. But I would also strongly suggest finding a sex-positive counselor or therapist to help you with your worries about risk and your seemingly morbid terror of sex destroying your life somehow. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a great referral directory that can help you find a sex-positive therapist near you. And these days, most therapists and counselors will work with you via Skype or Zoom, and some will work via SMS or instant messaging apps.

While outlets like the forums on FetLife or AO3 may be a useful place for expressing yourself, I think Scarleteen and AASECT are going to be far more vital in terms of helping you manage your fears. I strongly suggest you start there.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: There’s something bugging me lately, and I can’t figure a way out or make a conscious decision about it. I’m from France, so apologies for any issues with my English.

To give some background, I’ll tell a few things. First, I must say that I’m bipolar, and thus always had abandonment issues in any kind of relationships, lovers or friends, I ever had. Always scared not to be enough, always scared to mess things up, always scared to be well, abandoned. But I took care of it, as I see a psychiatrist and a psychologist too. We’re making great strides and effort, and lately, I finally get a sense of what’s being self-confident and having an healthy self-esteem. Fact is, since my breakup with my ex gf 2 years ago, I was kinda feeling painful about relationships. Not having someone hurt me like hell everyday, I was assuming it was my fault and that I was such an undatable mess (you know, the usual Mr Brainy likes to tell you). I didn’t had any dates for 2 years, and that was dragging me down. At least it was, until I started to get my sh$t together, by advancing alone in new steps and projects in life, and finally feeling like I was enough, for myself. It is such a great thing to feel, and it is so relaxing not to be nagged by all those intrusive depreciating thoughts. So, here I am, feeling pretty good and having my own purposes. But the issue isn’t here.

Of course, I still feel the desire to be with someone, but I know that until the crisis is over and public places re-open, I can’t meet new people. I tried online dating, but it really isn’t my thing, as I’m more old-fashioned. So my very best option is to stay patient, until I can try and find someone new that I’d feel good with. I honestly have no issue with that, except I’m having trouble being patient, haha. The issue is that I’ve been thinking about my very toxic and abusive ex lately. She messaged me for Christmas, and I really well know why she did it. I know she tries to rekindle a bit, not necessarily in a romantic manner, but knowing her well, I presume she has intentions. Only thing is I don’t know how to feel about this.

During our relationship, she’s been extremely jealous. It went from reproaching me for go meeting up some female friends (with whom the relationship was undoubtedly platonic, from both sides), to making scenes when I said hello to a female friend (or any kind of women in fact) in the streets, to reacting madly when I had any form of social contact with another female human being. This, plus the fact she played games with me, making instagram stories in a bra, liking one of my best friend’s every post, and so on. As she was acting like this, I knew she was having some chats with a few boys on instagram, so-called friends from the music scene. It wasn’t disturbing me, as I didn’t want to give in to jealousy, and I felt that I could trust her, besides the fact she didn’t trusted me. I realized after our break-up how hypocritical it was from her, and I started having serious doubts about her fidelity and behaviour. But she could have cheated on me, I couldn’t care less today, as I’m above that and it’s on her, not on me.

Today grew away from this past, and I’m pretty proud of me for being able to feel so calm thinking about all this. However, as I said, I feel that my ancient feelings are rising again, that I want to give her a third (yes, third) chance today, and that maybe we can start something fresh and new (after all, and besides all the sh$t, I was pretty in love with her). But only in the case she comes forward and make her excuses and apologies, and in a sense, recognize how s--tty her behaviour was. Fact is we never had THE talk, and I don’t want to be the first one to come forward and propose it.

So here I am, feeling on one side that I could give her another chance, but on the other that I want to know someone new and different, and in the end not knowing what to do. Because I fear that if I get back with her, things won’t happen like I expect and/or I’ll be attracted to someone different and hurt her, which I don’t want to do (I’m a bastard, but a kind one).

I leave this to your wisdom, knowing you’ll give me the good insight.

Sincerely,

Ups And Downs

DEAR UPS AND DOWNS: First and foremost, UAD: congratulations in making strides with your mental health! You’re doing great work, you’ve come a long way towards getting your condition under control and you should be proud of all the progress you’ve made. That’s awesome and I’m glad you’re doing better.

That’s why it would be a damn shame to ruin your progress by making a mistake like you are tempted to make.

Over all, I tend to be of two minds when it comes to getting back together with an ex, UAD. On the one hand, I can understand the desire to do so. More often than not, your ex is someone you had a strong connection to, and someone who’s a known quantity. They’re familiar and with familiarity comes comfort. There’s also frequently the desire to deal with unfinished business and unresolved issues and the feeling that hey, maybe things would be different this time. Depending on how things ended, you could feel blindsided or that you hadn’t been ready to end the relationship and want her back because from your perspective, things were pretty good.

And if I’m being perfectly honest: I’ve dealt with this more times than I care to think about, so I can empathize with that desire. And while I’ve had attempts to get back with an ex go badly, I’ve also gone on to have good relationships with most of my exes… including the one where I tried to get back with her and had things go pear-shaped.

On the other hand, more often than not, your ex is your ex for a reason, and those reasons likely haven’t changed. Trying to get a second (or third) chance with them usually means that if you two do give it another shot, you’re going to end up doing the 12″ dance remix of your previous break-up; just faster, more intense and with a heavier beat.

And in this case, your ex is your ex for very good reasons. Twice over, in fact. Everything you’ve said about her makes it clear that she’s been a toxic, manipulative mess. She gave you s--t for having the temerity to have female friends, while having flirty chats with other guys. She tried to run jealousy plotlines on you to get reactions out of you and was generally a hot mess express. It sounds like you were well rid of her. Hell, you know all of this because you’ve already gone back for a second round and it was indeed “second verse, same as the first, little bit louder, little bit worse”.

Now, my rule for deciding whether to get back with your ex is that you need to answer five important questions:

Question #1: Why did you break up in the first place?

Question #2: Have those reasons changed since you’ve broken up?

Question #3: Why are you thinking of getting back with them now?

Question #4: Do you miss them or do you miss what they represent?

Question #5: Are they right for you, now?

You’ve already answered #1 and #2, and those answers suggest that no, you shouldn’t get back with her. As of right now, you have no cause to believe that the reasons that you’ve broken up have changed; while she did message you back at Christmas, it doesn’t sound like that conversation involved things like “I’m sorry I was a toxic mess while we were dating, here’s how I’ve changed.”

But hey, I’ll be charitable and say that maybe that conversation is still yet to come. So let’s move to the next tone: why now?

Well, you’ve answered that too: it’s been two years and you haven’t dated anyone or gone on any dates since then. Now in fairness, you were also working on yourself and making great strides towards getting yourself in good emotional working order. That’s great, and it understandably means that you wouldn’t have much time for love. Similarly, the pandemic has made it difficult for you to meet people the way you are most comfortable. So you are understandably lonely and likely more than a little affection and touch-starved… rather like the rest of us, really. But while that’s both completely understandable and very relatable… it also means that you’re more likely to make choices that are based more on your current (and temporary) state. While I can completely understand making poor decisions because you’re lonely and horny (been there, done that, literally got a line of merch out of it), it doesn’t stop being a bad decision just because you’re aware that it is one.

That also answers question #4: what you miss right now isn’t her, specifically. You miss having somebody, a relationship in general. It’s not that there’s anything about her in particular that’s calling out to you so much as the fact that she’s there and reached out to you. That, again, is not a great reason to get back with your ex, especially in light of the first three questions.

Now while all of these answers are, frankly, pointing very firmly to “not just no but HELL no,” question #5 may be the most important.

One of the things we rarely stop to think about when we think about getting back with an ex is that we tend to still think of them as they were when we were dating them. In fact, more often than not, we tend to think of them during the best parts of the relationship rather than what things were like towards the end. And that’s understandable; nostalgia is a hell of a drug. But they aren’t a fly trapped in amber, preserved exactly as they were when you were dating. They’ve changed too — hopefully (but not always) for the better. But those changes often mean that they’re different than they were back then, and in ways that mean that you and they may well not be compatible any more.

By the same token though, it’s possible that your ex has grown and changed and gotten over whatever bulls--t made her play stupid games with your emotions. And, again, speaking from experience, part of why I’ve been able to have new relationships with people who broke my heart is because we had frank discussions about what happened. We both owned what we did wrong, apologized to each other and were able to start a new and different relationship from that point on.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve had that experience with your ex. While that doesn’t mean you couldn’t still have that conversation… I’m inclined to doubt that it’s likely. And even if it were to happen, the fact is that the answers to the first four questions are all resoundingly in the negative. That means that, even if she had changed  for the better… you’re still making decisions based on the fact that you want someone, and she’s the most convenient option.

That’s not a great way to rekindle a relationship. Especially one that screwed you over twice.

I think you’re better off keeping your distance from her. I realize that you’re lonely and that dating apps aren’t right for you. While there are other ways of meeting and dating folks during the pandemic, I think it may be better to grit your teeth and white-knuckle your way past this impulse. The truth is that the end is in sight and we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Cases are dropping worldwide, more and more people are getting vaccinated and new vaccines are being approved in the US, Asia, Africa and Europe. While it’s rough now, we are getting close to returning to something approaching normal.

While I absolutely understand your impatience and your desire… it’s better to be lonely because you’re alone than it is to be lonely because you got back with your toxic ex and she stomped all over your heart and soul again.

You’ve got the strength to get through this UAD. You’ve already proven it. Hang in just a little longer and you’ll be happy, healthy and ready to hit the dating scene like a tornado.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com