DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I really need your help. I’m going through mental anguish over the past and I’m at my breaking point. Here is my story:

One day, all of my longtime friends deserted me out of the blue. They told me they didn’t want to be friends anymore and that was it. To this day, I have not fully regained trust of women nor have I had a new female friend since this. I believe that if this event had not occurred, I would be a happy, functioning adult. But it sent me on a path of depression, contempt, and attachment issues. (These final two statements were only recently realized).

The next year I transferred schools due to the unbearable effects of being ostracized by my entire peer group.

I was the new girl: lonely, shy, and depressed. The first day, I was put into a group project with my current boyfriend. He was smart, artistic, funny, and a gamer (something that I had recently gotten into). It didn’t take long for me to develop a crush and then a full blown love/obsession with him. Despite only having one class with him 2-3 times a week, I thought about him constantly. I would spectate him playing games, text, and discord call. He was my best friend, in my mind. I didn’t care about befriending anyone else.

Anyone can see that the attachment I formed to him is unhealthy. I was so hurt from what happened with my friend group, I avoided girls. I was also worried he would leave me like they did. I relied on him for all happiness. I put him on a pedestal where he was perfect. I made constant hints at my feelings, even a few times outright discussing it. But he asserted his (valid) feelings that he didn’t want to risk things changing. Instead of taking obvious signs of disinterest, I never gave up. And most of all, when he hurt me the most, I ignored it.

We were friends for about 3 years before I asked him out on a date after realizing he probably never would. We went to a movie and then after that he still wasn’t sure. I remember finally breaking down on my bathroom floor in the new dress I bought for our date. Even writing this now, my chest feels tight.

After hesitation he agreed we were dating, and stupidly, I accepted that. I accepted the constant hesitation (as inexperience), the ignoring (as being busy with school), and disinterest (as my own inadequacy). My codependence was so powerful I was willing to accept anything. It’s all me. I carried the entire relationship. If any point I had stopped talking to him, I doubt he would ever reach out. In fact there was a 6 month gap of time over the summer in which there was no communication. I saw him in class, but he didn’t acknowledge my existence. I reluctantly was the first to text him and we started to talk again. But, if I hadn’t we never would have talked again. I feel like I deserve so much more. Anyone deserves so much more.

However, we started dating anyway and it was perfect happiness. What I was after all those years was finally realized. He introduced me to his friends. I was never popular nor did I make any friends of my own. But it was so much better than before. He met my parents, and I met his (after a few fights). Nothing could go wrong.

Then one day I unearthed my old diaries filled with pages of pain to recount what happened. I started fights occasionally and caused problems in our relationship (bringing up the past, insecurity, blame) when I remember those things. My most intrusive thought is: If I hadn’t asked him out he wouldn’t have asked me out.

You might think, what’s wrong with that? For someone like me who needs to know they are loved and wanted, that prospect hurts me deeply. Not to mention the fact that he must not have found me very attractive. He didn’t love me until I forced him to. I mean, that’s extremely problematic on my part. I want him to date a girl he loves, not a freak like me.

He loves me now. It’s been almost two years and a major life transition. But if he loves me because I manipulated and changed fate I can’t stand it.

As long as I forget the past, I feel content. There are other minor things he does, that annoy me. I end up seeing the connection between these current behaviors and the past. It sends me into a deep spiral. For example: “Why don’t you ever ask me out? I’m always the one who does it. I’m always doing all of the work. If you really cared you would enthusiastically ask me to go out without prompting. Just be honest and tell me if you even care.”

Sometimes I think, why am I so dramatic? Aren’t we the perfect love story? So what if the genders are flipped, that doesn’t make you any less of a woman. It’s the 21st century. Be happy now with what you have. But I know now that the initial attachment to him was one out of desperation, and some of it still lingers. Is it possible for me to move past such a stressful and heartbreaking past?

My boyfriend has truly grown into a much more dependable, loving person. I’m no longer codependent to him and slowly learning to make friends after therapy. We have talked about marriage and living together after college. We visit each other every week. My parents love him. We’re both each other’s firsts. We’ve had good discussions on the future and he’s incredibly talented, smart, and still nerdy. I love him, but the past hurts me so much. I’m worried that we will keep progressing and get married and there’s still going to be these feelings of inadequacy. That’s completely unfair to him. At this point, he has done everything to prove he loves me and finds me attractive and apologized for the past. There might not be a word or action that will ever disconfirm my thoughts. I really need your voice of reason.

– She Will Always Be A Broken Girl

DEAR SHE WILL ALWAYS BE A BROKEN GIRL: There’re a few things I want to take issue with here, SWABABG. First of all, you’re not broken. You’re clearly someone who’s dealing with a lot of pain, and it seems like you may have overlearned some patterns in your life to compensate for or to adapt to that pain, but you’re not broken. You aren’t broken if you were hurt in an accident, and you aren’t broken for having a hard time afterwards. Having emotional scars because of some traumatic experiences is normal and understandable. That doesn’t mean that you’re broken, it just means that you still have healing to do.

The second thing is that you’re ascribing way too much power and influence to yourself and — in the process — denying your boyfriend’s own autonomy. I mean, you literally say “if he loves me because I manipulated and changed fate”. Unless you’re secretly the Scarlet Witch, have access to a Delorean and a flux capacitor or you’re somehow in contact with The Norns, you didn’t change “fate” somehow. Nor did you somehow manipulate things to make it all work out in ways that it might not have otherwise.

Now, the timeline is a little unclear, but it seems like so much of why you seem to think you “manipulated” him or “forced” him to love you seems to revolve around having asked him out on a date, that you had a freak-out during it and that afterwards there was a weird nebulous point where you were kinda dating but also kinda not. And this has, somehow, turned into your “forcing” him into being in a relationship with you and “making” him love you. I mean, it’s not like the dude couldn’t walk away or end the relationship. In fact, it seems like that’s exactly what he did at one point. But there wasn’t any point in this relationship where you were holding the metaphorical gun to his head — or yours, for that matter — and saying “LOVE ME OR ELSE.”

Assuming I’ve got the right sequence of events, allow me to offer a differing interpretation: the first time you asked him out on a date and he still wasn’t entirely sure if he was interested in you that way, you had a panic attack. He talked you down the only way he knew how — saying “ok, we’ll give this a try”. After you calmed down, it was pretty clear from his end that this wasn’t really a relationship; in fact it seems like it was more on your end than his. It sounds like, at this point, he was going along with things to a limited extent, but he wasn’t treating it like this was serious. And ultimately, this pseudo-relationship functionally ended over that summer where you and he didn’t talk.

But over those six months, things changed. Maybe he realized that he did like having you in his life. Maybe you were starting to make progress on your healing. Maybe it was a case of his realizing that he missed you more than he thought. Regardless, you reached out, the two of you got back in contact and from the sounds of things, it’s been happy — if a smidge rocky, with your issues — since.

Now I will be the first to say that yes, this wasn’t the healthiest start to a relationship. There were a lot of things that both of you did wrong. It would have been far better for you to put your energy towards getting yourself into good emotional working order, rather than pursuing a nasty case of Oneitis. He, on the other hand, did himself and you no favors with his half-hearted, neglectful “ok, we’re dating but not really” stance. It would’ve been better for both of you if he hadn’t been willing to let things be in this quantum relationship where you were both dating and not dating at the same time, and you hadn’t been willing to roll with it. It probably would have been much better for the two of you if he had made a clean break of things early on.

But he didn’t, and you didn’t. And yet here we are.

The thing is: lots of relationships have rocky starts. There are plenty of times where people may have their hearts in the right place, but their heads aren’t. Some relationships start off as godawful drama bombs, or two people who end up hurting each other as they flail around trying to figure themselves out. Many times those relationships flame out for good. But sometimes, people actually manage to get their s--t together. Sometimes things that started off badly finally manage to click as everyone finds their groove; the gears finally mesh after grinding against each other.

Does that mean that everyone who’s in a rocky, dramatic or even toxic relationship should hang in there in hopes that they can wait it out and s--t will get better? F--k no it doesn’t. But in this case… things managed to click into place. And it sounds like the two of you have put serious effort into actually getting past things and making things work, which is good.

Now, you don’t say just what happened with your friends and why they all left at once, nor do you say that you’ve addressed the start of the relationship with your therapist. If you haven’t… those are things that should definitely be handled by talking with your therapist, not a loudmouth with an advice column. Similarly, if you and he haven’t gone to a relationship counselor, I think that would be a good idea. Not because your relationship is broken or doomed by your past, but because it may be helpful to have someone talk you all through what happened early on, how you both felt, and how aspects of it still clearly linger — for you, at the very least. That might help you get past the feeling that you’re inadequate, or that you “forced” him into this relationship. It may also help with feelings that this relationship still isn’t “real”.

If it helps, think of couples counseling as a form of preventative maintenance. Think of your relationship as a car that had some significant mechanical issues when you first got it. While it might have been smart to call it a lemon and return it to the lot… you didn’t. You managed to tighten some belts, cleared some valves, resealed some tubes and it’s running as intended. Is it understandable that you’re still a little nervous when it judders on the acceleration? Yes. But that’s not a sign that it’s about to catch fire, just something you may want to keep an eye on — possibly even something to bring up with a mechanic when you get the oil changed.

Ok, so I may be stretching that metaphor to the breaking point, but you take my meaning. You’ve got things running more or less smoothly. There’re some quirks that make you worried, and you can’t help but feel like the rough start has never been fully fixed. That’s understandable. It’s reasonable, even. But that doesn’t mean you’re doomed. It just means you want to be mindful of things and be sure to put in the effort to maintain it… and yourselves. But that doesn’t mean that your relationship is fatally flawed, any more than it means you’re broken.

Put in the effort to keep it — and yourself — running. Talk to your therapist about these issues and see if they can recommend a couple’s counselor. That’ll go much further to helping you let go of the past, being able to accept your present and look forward to your future.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I want to preface this by saying that, throughout the entirety of my childhood, my mother mentally abused me (even before she and my father divorced). She’d tear up my things purely because I liked them or my father’s side of the family got them for me, she’d belittle me, she’d leave me with family members (12 years old and coming home to Dad reeking of cigarette smoke so badly the dogs fled isn’t fun), and there was a time when she left 14 year old me alone in an apartment complex until 3 am. (I don’t know when she actually came home, I just know 3 AM is when I finally broke down and called my father and he came and picked me up) It was so bad to the point that even now, after 10 years of having never seen her once, I still have moments and fits where I hate everything, or I hate myself, or I feel depressed and anxious and feel like I’m bothering and offending everyone around me.

I bring that up because… I’m wondering if that’s a factor in what’s happened to me here.

Here’s the thing. I’m not sure if I actually ever want physical sex. When it comes to things like porn or roleplaying (through text, I mean), I’m about as horny and kinky of a girl as you can find. But that’s what’s bothering me some; I only ever feel that way about characters. When it comes to me (as some people have tried to cyber rather than roleplay), even just thinking about it, I really think that physical sex isn’t something I’d ever want to have. Hell, I don’t even watch REAL porn, just drawn or animated or 3D stuff; I hate seeing real people naked, too, because it just makes me feel weirdly uncomfortable and I don’t get any actual pleasure out of it.

I’ve tried to masturbate before and I’ve never really gotten any satisfaction out of it at all, either. And considering how I react even just getting, say, water from a dog dish splashed on me, I think that all the sweat and other fluids would just make me incredibly uncomfortable and generally not enjoy it.

I’m not really worried about how this would affect relationships, at least not right now; I have a boyfriend who I explained all of this to, very clearly, alongside the fact that I simply do not ever intend to have sex before marriage (it’s my belief for my body, that is; I don’t care if other people want to). His only request was that I at least try it once with him if we were married, which I agreed to, since I think it’s fair and I would like to at least attempt it to be sure (plus I know I can trust him to stop if it comes to that), but he said he completely understood the rest and was more than willing to accept it if I wasn’t interested in sex. And, if it turns out that sex is important to him and he needs it and I can’t provide it, I’d be a little jealous (who wouldn’t?) but perfectly fine with him going to other people for those needs.

I guess my question is… is this really okay? Is the fact that I have no interest in physical sex something that’s just a part of the individual I am? Or is there something that’s still wrong with me, still f--ked up in my head, that I need to get treatment for? You seem to really understand a lot, so I was hoping you could shed a little light anyway.

Confused Collie

DEAR CONFUSED COLLIE: So I want to start off by saying that I’m sorry that you were abused, Confused Collie – but it sounds to me like you’re pretty damn strong to have come through it all as well as you have. But as much as that abuse may have hurt, I’m not entirely sure that this is the cause of the issues you may be having. It sounds like there are a couple of different issues that are all coming together in one perfect storm of confusion and frustration. It’s going to be hard for me to give you a solid “this is what’s wrong” because a) human sexuality is a complex beast and it’s pretty damned hard to diagnose someone over an email and b) Doctor NerdLove is not a real doctor.

So while I can give you my thoughts, a lot of this are things that you should talk about with a trained, sex-positive therapist, especially somebody who specializes in sexual trauma and abuse.

Human sexuality tends to fall on a series of spectrums. There’s the famous Kinsey scale of sexuality, with exclusive heterosexuality on one side, exclusive homosexuality on the other and the wide range of options in between. At the same time, there’s a spectrum of sexual desire, with being hornier than a six-d

ked goat on one side and completely asexual on the other. The wide and wonderful variety of the human sexual experience means that people fall all over the place on these spectrums.

Part of what makes human sexuality interesting is how fluid it is and how it’s affected by so many different parts of the human condition. Sexual desire and arousal patterns can be affected by physical issues such as hormonal imbalances, genetic predispositions, or from mental issues such as anxiety, self-esteem or basic belief systems. And when you realize that much of what we consider a “normal” sexuality is based off of somewhat arbitrary and culturally influenced standards…

All of this is a long-winded way of saying “The human relationship to our junk is f--king complex”. And that means that it’s frequently difficult to narrow down the cause of a problem… if there’s even a problem there at all.

So let’s start with the physical: you say that you masturbate but it doesn’t really satisfy you. You don’t say whether this means you’re unable to achieve orgasm, or whether the orgasms you do have aren’t satisfying. This isn’t actually all that uncommon; upwards of 10% of women haven’t had an orgasm, ever, either by themselves or with a partner. Sometimes it’s a medical issue – insufficient blood-flow to the genitals, for example, or a side-effect from commonly prescribed antidepressants. Other times it’s mental – the person may have a hang-up that means they can’t allow themselves to feel pleasure or they feel overwhelming amounts of guilt or shame. Still other times it’s simply how they’re wired – they may need incredibly intense amounts of direct clitoral stimulation that’s virtually impossible to get without mechanical assistance. Seeing an OB-GYN can help you figure out if there’s a physical issue that can be corrected.

But before I say “go off and see a real doctor”, let me ask a serious question: is this an actual problem for you?

You see, the rest of what you say makes me wonder if you might be asexual. Many people simply have very low or even nonexistent sex drives; sex just doesn’t interest them. Sometimes it’s a physical thing – they don’t get aroused. Sometimes it’s a mental thing – they don’t find sex exciting or even see it as being disgusting. Sometimes it’s both. People who are asexual may become aroused but have no interest in partnered sex. They may not become aroused at all. They may masturbate for reasons besides pleasure (helping you fall asleep, general prostate health, etc.). The fact that you don’t like the reality of sex – with the physical contact, the bodily fluids, the exertion and so forth – but find it arousing when it’s highly fictionalized falls well within the spectrum of asexuality. I think it may well be worth your while to check out the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network website at asexuality.org – it may well help you become more comfortable with your situation.

Now, could all of this be because you were emotionally abused by your mother as a child? It certainly seems like a strong possibility in my still-not-a-doctor’s opinion. Like I said: human sexuality is incredibly complex and is directly affected by cultural and emotional issues. So yes, it’s entirely possible that you’re internalizing some self-loathing brought on by your mother’s abuse – you say yourself that you have prolonged bouts of low self-esteem and feeling worthless. It’s not unthinkable that you’re better able to relate sexually to fictional characters because you don’t believe that you yourself are “worthy” of love or desire or sexual fulfillment. But abuse doesn’t necessarily automatically lead to sexual dysfunction (which I fully realize is a loaded term), no matter what Freud may have said.

For what it’s worth, I do think it’d be a good idea to talk to a therapist to help you with those feelings of self-loathing and anxiety that still plague you. But I don’t think it’s an absolute necessity to see a doctor to address your views about sex. Here’s my big question: how do YOU feel about your lack of interest in physical sex? Is it something that you’re concerned about – you want to have sex, but are bothered by how much it disgusts you? Or is it more of a case that you feel like you should want it, but you don’t?

If it’s the former, then yes, it may be worth talking to someone. You may not suddenly become a sexual dynamo by unpacking your feelings about sex, but it could help you become more comfortable with yourself. If it’s the latter… well, then it’s not actually a problem, it’s just part of what makes you, you.

And honestly? I think you’re handling it well, especially within your relationship. It sounds like your boyfriend is patient and understanding and that the two of you have clearly communicated your feelings with one another and have found a working compromise. That’s a huge part of what makes a relationship work.

I would suggest going to a doctor for a medical screening just to make sure that everything’s ok – some forms of sexual dysfunction and a lack of libido or arousal are signs of medical issues – but if you’re comfortable with how you feel about sex then go ahead and embrace it. It’s part of who you are, something that makes you another unique part of the vast wonderland that is the human sexual experience.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: As of the beginning of last month I’ve been reading your website and finding myself amazed at the knowledge of dating that had remained in the dark to me until now. I understand that the concept of, “me,” is a fluid concept that is ever changing due to my true efforts and wants, and from that I understand that in order to be who I want to be, I’m going to have to perform a personal overhaul.

The part that gets me is where to start. Actually…let me rephrase that, where is the best to start? Should I start with improving myself physically: begin using quality deodorant, skin care products, bath supplies, and begin a healthy lifestyle, mentally: mastering the abundance mentality, warding off my negativity, building my confidence, and mentally preparing myself for rejection, or socially: mastering the art of conversation, learning how to tell stories, relate my geeky interests, how and when to approach women, and so on. Or should I start with fashion?

Now I’m not saying I’ll go full out one aspect while ignoring the others, I’m just looking for some guidance.

- Young Man at the Crossroads

DEAR YOUNG MAN AT THE CROSSROADS: So I’m going to be honest here: every time someone refers to themselves as coming to me at a crossroads, I immediately picture myself as Mark Sheppard.This has absolutely nothing to do with your question and everything to do with how my mind works.

Anyway.

The thing to keep in mind is that dating success is a hollistic process. The problems you have in your dating life are inevitably problems you have in your everyday life. You want to improve yourself as a person overall, rather than focusing like a laser on specific aspects. But performing a full-life overhaul is rather like building a house. Whether you’re performing a back-to-the-studs remodel or scraping the whole thing and starting over, you need a good foundation before you can start making it pretty.  If you don’t, the whole thing comes crashing down around your ears.

Like I always say: dating success is 80% attitude, 20% skill. That attitude is what gives you the strong foundation to build upon. So when it comes to a life overhaul, you want to work from the inside out.

Now I go into much greater detail about this in my book “New Game Plus: The Geeks Guide To Love, Sex and Dating”, but the way I recommend you go about fixing things is to start by working on your confidence, developing an abundance mentality and dealing with issues around negativity before you work on issues of skill such as how to approach women. My suggested order is mental issues (attitude, abundance, entitlement, etc) > external issues (lifestyle, fashion, etc) > skills. The thing that’s great about this approach is that each subsequent step helps bolster the previous ones. Learning how to dress better, makes you feel more attractive, which in turn helps boost your confidence, which means more people will notice you which in turn helps cement that abundance mentality.

It’s tempting to leap straight to the skills – after all, it’s only natural to want to get better with women as quickly as humanly possible – but if you don’t have that strong foundation to being with, you end up propping up a false facade. Women aren’t stupid; they’ll see through that fake front quickly, and you’ll be left worse of than you were before. This is actually one of the issues I have with a lot of discussion about meeting women and dating that you can find online. The focus on magic bullets and “this powerful technique that will make women putty in your hands” takes away attention from growing and changing as a person. Focusing on techniques at the expense of everything else just makes you manipulative and shallow, trying to borrow somebody else’s life instead of improving your own. It’s a great recipe for an impending mental meltdown.

This doesn’t mean that you do it in a strict step by step order; you’re not prohibited from getting better clothes or working on your hygiene as you’re trying to cultivate your internal validation. But you do want to put the lion’s share of attention on internal matters rather than the external. The more solid a base that you have, the better off you will do.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading several of your advice pages and have found them incredibly helpful, so much thanks for that!

I have a few questions relating to texting in the early stages of meeting a girl: If she doesn’t reply with any questions after I have asked a few is this a polite way of saying ‘no’? Also, how many texts is generally acceptable to send without a reply & when would be an optimum time to ask to meet in person again? Say even if she hasn’t replied to a previous text?

Also, if there’s one piece of advice I could give you, it’s play Dark Forces again. That game is drenched in quality.

Confounded Communicator

DEAR CONFOUNDED COMMUNICATOR: Hate to say it CC, but no response is a response. This is what’s known as a “soft” no, a way of refusing without actually saying the words. A direct and unambiguous refusal is often seen as being overly harsh and rude so many people will use a “soft” no as a way to turn someone down. These may include being “busy” or having plans that they can’t otherwise shake, deliberately pretending to not understand the question or simply not responding at all.

While the specifics will vary depending on the personalities and writing styles of everyone involved, the basic rule of thumb is “one unanswered text per day”; if you text her something and she doesn’t respond, then you get one more attempt. If she still doesn’t respond, then you’re done for the day. Blowing up her phone with text after text after text when she isn’t responding to you is not going to make her any more likely to write back. Quite the opposite in fact; when you respond to radio silence with a barrage of texts, all you’re doing is signaling that you’re desperate and needy – very unattractive traits in anyone. It means that she’s even less likely to respond than she was before.

It often helps to think of texting (or phone calls, or instant messaging) as playing tennis or volleyball. You’re volleying the conversation back and forth: you serve, she volleys back, you bounce it back to her, etc. If you serve or volley it to her and get nothing back, then you get to try once more. If you’re still not getting your serve sent back to you, then it’s pretty clear she’s left the court or has stopped paying attention to the game.At that point, the ball’s in her court; if she wants to serve one back, she can. Otherwise, it’s best to move on and play with someone else. Throwing even more balls at her is only going to annoy her at best.

And remember: one unreturned text is could be anything. Two unreturned texts is worrying. Three unreturned texts is enemy act… er, is her sending you a message. And that message is “I’m not interested”.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com