DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I appreciate you’re not a medical doctor so can’t comment on potential physical causes for this issue, but I’m not even sure where to start looking for advice on this that doesn’t immediately descend into snake-oil and weird assumptions. I’ve been following your blog since the sex-positive hey-day of the late aughts, so I hope you or your followers might have some pointers. (We’re in the UK, for accessing resources purposes)

So, my husband (M39) and I (M35) have been together nine years, lived together four, and married for two (and before some cleverclogs in the comments suggests it, no, there’s been no infidelity). I get that one’s sex life tends to get less athletic as you get older and more familiar, but we’ve got an ongoing problem that is just getting upsetting now, namely that my husband is experiencing premature ejaculation when he’s topping during penetrative sex. I think it started maybe 5 years ago – he’d been going through a pretty stressful time with one thing and another, I tried not to make a Big Deal of it when it started because I didn’t want to give him a complex – and it’s got to the point where he goes off a matter of seconds after he’s in. It’s uncomfortable for me (he’s even hurt me a couple of times when he’s involuntarily thrust before I was ready), and unsatisfying for both of us (he’s only getting the most perfunctory orgasm out of it).

It’s also deeply upsetting for him, because it plays into a whole slew of insecurity about being “undesirable” and “unlovable” no matter how much I try to convince him that I do love him and desire him very much. He doesn’t have a problem getting or maintaining and erection, and lasts for a normal length of time during other kinds of sex, it’s literally just topping. Thing is, although we do have and enjoy having non-penetrative sex (I’m including oral in that, fwiw), he’s sort of got it in his head now that anal is some sort of Gold Standard and that I couldn’t possibly be satisfied by anything else. And, like, I am, of course I am and I let him know that, but if I’m going to be honest, though, and also conform to stereotype, sometimes I like being f--ked and I do miss it. (As a couple of asides/ context points, he doesn’t especially enjoy bottoming, and I have depression which can make my sexual response a bit hit and miss sometimes, but I’m usually happy to get him off even if I’m feeling dead from the waist down)

So, how do we even begin to address this? I’m pretty sure it’s a psychological thing rather than a physical one, and he’s being stubborn about going to his GP about it. We had limited success with me getting him off, then giving it half an hour before trying, but he got worried he was just training himself to cum too quickly that way too and stopped it. I actually have no idea what his masturbation habits are like, we’re both deeply private about that (thanks conservative upbringing!). I’m seriously worried this is going to start impacting on all aspects of intimacy between us, as we do get into vicious cycles of avoiding sex, or anything that could be interpreted as initiating sex, because of the upset it causes both of us. I love him, I think he’s terribly attractive, and we otherwise have a very close, supportive, affectionate relationship, but I know from past experience that nothing kills a relationship faster than lack of intimacy.

Thanks for any suggestions,

Slow Speed Racer, Slow

DEAR SLOW SPEED RACER, SLOW: One of the unusual things about sex is how much of it depends on what’s going on between the ears as much as between our legs, SSRS. It’s kind of amazing how much our brains can affect our sexual response — from desire to arousal to, well, being a little too quick on the trigger. I think you’re right: it sounds like your husband’s issue is psychological rather than physiological. If he’s only orgasming that quickly when he’s topping you and lasting a normal (for him) amount of time for other forms of sex, then the odds are it has to do with the stuff going on upstairs, rather than in his junk.

What that is, exactly, however, is a tricky thing to work out because there’re so many potential causes and triggers. It could be, for example, that he’s trained himself to ejaculate quickly during some sex acts. If he’s been cranking one out, especially either to porn or fantasizing about topping, and he’s been trying to get off as quickly as possible, then he may have created an association between topping and speed.

(This can sometimes happen when one partner is trying to hide the fact that they’ve been masturbating; the faster they get off, the less likely they are to get caught, and so on.)

Alternately, it could be that whatever he went through five years ago — you don’t say — has given him a complex about his relationship with you. If it was something that hit him square in the confidence or made him doubt his ability to please you, his desirability to you or simply the security of the relationship, then topping you could have taken on such dire importance that it causes him to pop off right at the start. Which, I realize, seems counterproductive, but that’s brains for you.

Unfortunately, the only person who can tell you what’s going through his head and what he’s feeling is, well, him. And it’s pretty clear his anxiety is doing a number on him. One of the most frustrating things about dealing with insecurity is how it comes across differently to the person experiencing it and the person who’s on the other end. To you, it feels like no matter how much you try to reassure him, he doesn’t believe you, because he keeps coming back to ask for more reassurance. To him, he keeps coming back because he does believe you; that’s why he keeps asking for it. The problem is that the reassurance doesn’t last… and so when the brainweasels start gnawing on him again, he has to go back to the person who can help put them back down for a bit.

Now, because it’s almost certainly something going on in his head, that means that the answer is ultimately for him to get on the therapist’s couch to start unpacking things and working on finding some resolutions.

But in the meantime, there are a few stopgap measure the two of you can take that can help slow him down so that he doesn’t panic-thrust and hurt you and you can both enjoy the intimacy.

To start with, there’re desensitizing lubes, sprays and wipes out there that you can buy without a prescription. Romans, for example, offers wipes that contain about 4% benzocaine; just about enough to dull sensitivity without numbing things entirely. Similarly, if he’s willing to actually talk to his GP, some SSRIs have off-label use for treating premature ejaculation.

On the non-medical side of things, there’s always the option of getting him off first, before you move to his topping you. This way, you’re both able to focus on the foreplay and lead up to actual penetration and his refractory period means that he’s less likely to orgasm right at the start of things. And of course, if he’s really worried about being unable to please you because of how quickly he ejaculates, there’re always toys. There’re plenty of strap-ons for men, ranging from ones you strap to your thigh or that sit on the pubic bone above the penis; with these, he’s able to be the one topping you (thrusting, controlling the depth and speed, and so on) without having to worry about orgasming too soon. After you’ve gotten yours, he can then switch from the artificial penis to his biological one and finish things off for himself without the pressure of having to perform like a porn star in order to please you.

But like I said: these are stopgap measures. The only real treatment is going to be for him to use his words — both with you, and with a therapist who can help him unpack his insecurities and find some answers. Encourage him to start talking to a therapist, SSRS; the sooner he starts, the sooner the two of you will be able to start having the kinds of sex and intimacy you used to have.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a black woman and I have been dating a white man for 5 years. He is a Republican from a family of Democrats. When George Floyd hit, he marched in 3 BLM marches and helped to organize one in his hometown. Then he tried to read The New Jim Crow and How to be Anti-Racist.

He’s recently imploded with statements about inequity not being real, racism not being as common and systemic racism not existing. He also went from COVID vigilance to COVID = common cold. Having no empathy for any death or illness saying – People have to die of something.

He is Christian and although I am as well, I was raised with open minded critically thinking educated parents. Basically I am not a follower; even while I love God and the Bible I understand the human lens and the millions of enslaved, killed and marginalized victims of religion. He is not deep diving into Christianity, he is deep diving into YouTube right-wingers and Donald Trump. He calls Democrats “pedophiles” and “communists” and says that “BLM founders are violent socialist lesbians who hate all white people.”

He also has interrupted my phone calls to voice his opinion and every conversation about the weather ends with a comment about Trump being maligned and discriminated against and how Democrats have ruined the world and tricked black people into thinking in evil and unproductive ways. AND MOST OF ALL I AM A 35 YEAR LONG ADVOCATE FOR MARGINALIZED COMMUNITIES! A LOBBYIST, TRAINER AND UPLIFTER OF VOICES. THIS IS HOW I GET PAID AND THIS IS WHO I AM TO MY CORE.

I have a 14 year old son – he now hates my boyfriend and I am making plans to leave. I just need 250.00 increase in monthly income which I know I do.

Please, explain why a white man dating a black woman who works to improve lives would suddenly shift to worshipping Trump, dismissing disparity and lack empathy for victims of COVID.

Because most of my work is within mental health – I am worried he is mentally ill.

Dating Mr. Hyde

DEAR DATING MR. HYDE: First and foremost: good for you for leaving. This is an increasingly untenable situation, and getting the f--k out is the right thing to do.

This is a thing that’s come up a lot in the last few years — and you can find these letters in my archives: people dating dudes — or dealing with family members — who seem to suddenly shift from being reasonable individuals to alt-right s--theads… or in your case, a QAnon and COVID denier. And unfortunately, it’s really not that hard to pinpoint a cause. Hell, you’ve actually put your finger square on at least part of what’s been causing people to lose their goddamn minds: they’re self-radicalizing because of YouTube. But it’s not just YouTube. It’s also Facebook, Twitter, and a s--tload of other social media sites, in no small part because of the way that these companies treat their audience and the material that they serve up.

(And as someone with a decent social media following and a YouTube channel, we will pause to appreciate the irony about complaining about social media)

The issue at hand is that on social media and sites on YouTube, the audience isn’t the customer; it’s the product. The sites themselves rely on keeping and growing their audience, in part to better serve ads, but also for user data. Sites like YouTube and Facebook don’t just want you to use their sites and then click away to something else; they want you to stay and linger there for as long as possible. One of the ways that they do that is by serving up media and posts that they feel you’ll want to see — continuing to refresh Facebook to see what people are posting or clicking through to the next recommended video. In theory, these are things that are related to what you’ve just watched or interacted with; watch some movie trailers and you’ll see film commentary videos come up as the next recommendation, for example. This is part of why it’s so easy to fall down a YouTube rabbit hole; the site is showing you more of what it thinks you should see.

But the problem is that part of what drives the algorithm is engagement — how long people watch the video and comment or hit the thumbs up, how many people like, comment or share that link or that post, and so on. And the content that generates the most engagement also tends to be more extreme and vitriolic. This makes a certain amount of sense; people post something stupid about Donald Trump or the Snyder Cut of Justice League or Steven Universe or about how the world is flat and trees aren’t real and folks engaging with the content. It doesn’t matter that half of them may be yelling in the comments about how goddamn dumb it is, or sharing that link or quote-tweeting that post so they can dunk on it. That post, link, tweet or video is still getting high-levels of engagement and so it is going to get a higher priority in the algorithm.

But — as pointed out in the Daily Beast article “How YouTube Built a Radicalization Machine for the Far-Right” — this has the effect of creating a filtered bubble. If, for example, you’re watching some Call of Duty streams, you may get recommended videos from streamers or Twitch personalities who fall on the more conservative side of things. Watch those and you’re not going to get more liberal videos to balance things out; you’re much more likely to have a video from (or about) Joe Rogan recommended to you. Watch that and you’re likely going to get Dave Rubin or Ben Shapiro or Jordan Peterson videos in your recommendations… and those lead to alt-right folks and folks like Stefan Molyneux, whose views tend to line up precisely with neo-nazis.

(Well, you would before Molyneux got kicked off YouTube, but my point remains).

These days, a lot of the so-called “Intellectual Dark Web” — entry points to the alt-right like Molyneux, Peterson, etc. — have fallen out of favor and become increasingly less relevant. Not, unfortunately, because their audiences wised up and moved on, but because the discourse changed. Not only did the far right become more open, more extreme and strident under Trump, but the far right and the grifters that latch onto them like remoras shifted focus to new outlets.

One of the bigger changes was Pizzagate — which already was being promoted by right wing figureheads like Charlie Kirk and Mike Cernovich evolving into QAnon, and QAnon making the leap from fringe sites like 8chan/8kun to increasingly mainstream platforms. QAnon’s chief advantage in the marketplace of ideas is that it’s a reskinned version of The Satanic Panic, just updated for the 21st century. Because the so-called “Q drops” are basically glossolalic word salad, with no real context or meaning, it’s possible to read anything into them. This has the added benefit of making QAnon a clearinghouse for every conspiracy theory out there. Adrenochrome? Sure, that tracks. Harvesting mole children who’ve been specially bred for Satanic pedophiles? Why not. Seth Rich? Yeah, there’s probably a way to squeeze that in there too. And of course, where there is right-wing nonsense, there are people who’re ready to profit off of it, whether trying to harness it to win elections or to just soak people for as much money as possible. Hence, QAnon “thought leaders” made concerted efforts on YouTube, Facebook, TikTok and other social media sites. And because Facebook — like YouTube — uses an algorithm that prioritizes engagement and, as a result, prioritizes far right discourse, people were increasingly directed to QAnon related pages, videos and groups.

The other significant change was COVID-19. Unlike a lot of other scandals or f--k-ups by the Trump administration, COVID wasn’t something that they could ignore or brush off. So instead, the right wing politicized it — making denial of basic reality part of membership of their club. And, of course, in the echo chambers created by algorithmic filters like the ones used by YouTube or Facebook, there is incentive to stand out by being more outrageous and more extreme than others — particularly if you’re trying to run a grift. Which then, of course, becomes the new accepted norm.

And since both of those parallel nicely with one another… well, you end up with a whole lot of people who think that wearing a mask to keep from spreading a virus is a form of slavery and that choosing to NOT go to super-spreader events is fascism.

(And this is before we get into the toxic masculinity aspects of COVID denialism or Trump’s Potemkin tough-guy displays)

Part of what makes this insidious is how much all of this triggers a specific blindspot in the human psyche; when we’re exposed to something enough times, we start to be more warmly inclined to it. This is why advertisers will blitz you with ads about a specific product until sheer familiarity leads to your giving it a try because it’s a brand you’ve seen over and over again. It’s why you may hate a particular song at first, but after the first… fifty times you’ve heard it on the radio or Spotify or on TV, you’ll decide it’s a real bop. And it’s why when someone says something often enough times, in an authoritative enough tone, people will tend to start to buy into it. Being exposed to the same ideas over and over again — the words may vary slightly but the sentiment is the same — means that it tends to sink into your psyche in ways that you aren’t even aware of. It’s part of why taking social media breaks often makes you feel so much better; you’re not being subjected to the same levels of panic, anger, fear and negativity over and over again.

But when you fall down a YouTube rabbit hole, or you open up YouTube the next day and more and more of your recommendations are about COVID or QAnon or alt-right entry points like Shapiro, it starts to dig in harder.

Cults like QAnon and COVID-deniers even take it to the next level, inviting you to “do the research” or “investigate it yourself”. This isn’t just a way of dodging inconvenient questions that they don’t have an answer to; it’s a way of getting you more invested, because you’re actively taking part in finding this information, rather than passively having it handed to you. Because you’ve been an active participant, you’re much more likely to get invested in the results… in short, taking part in your own radicalization and brainwashing.

But it’s not just brainwashing and radicalization that keeps people from recognizing that they’ve been gulled. Another reason why people double and triple down on their own radicalization is simple and banal: it’s pride and embarrassment. When people look around at the damage that their beliefs and actions have caused… they don’t want to accept that they were part of this. QAnon forums, incel communities, even Trump subreddits are full of people who’ve been shut out by friends and family or kicked out of their social circles because of how toxic their beliefs and behavior has been. However, when looking at the wreckage that they caused, they won’t recognize that this is the consequences of their actions. In fact, they will often double down instead, choosing to believe that this is because the rest of us are sheeple or weak or deluded. This is because it’s very hard to accept that you’ve f--ked up that hard. There’s a lot of embarrassment and humiliation that comes from admitting that you bought into somebody’s grift-cult, hook, line, sinker and copy of the Angler Times. Rather than face that they were wrong and do the hard work of trying to repair their lives, they opt to dig in harder and deeper instead. Yes, it means that they end up further isolated, lonely and miserable… but they’re too busy trying to avoid the short-term discomfort to recognize the long-term consequences.

Of course for the folks who profit from these beliefs, that’s a feature, not a bug. Lonely, isolated people are that much easier to control and manipulate after all.

Now, the obvious question is “but what do we do about people who buy into this?” And the answer is… it’s hard to know, honestly.

Well, not that hard in your case, DMH, you’re already leaving his ass which is the absolute right thing to do. But for a lot of folks, it’s complicated.

It’s understandable to want to believe that fathers and mothers, brothers, sisters, lovers and friends could be redeemed or come back. It’s very hard to be willing to forgive and reach out to people who have been willing to cause that much destruction and pain in the lives of the people around them — more so when their beliefs lead to the spread of a deadly virus that’s killed more than 257,000 Americans and inflicted God-knows what kinds of long-term effects on survivors. I’ve seen people who’ve had their trust in their family irrevocably damaged by this, and with good reason.

While it’s easy to say “this holiday season, if you’re going to go to your parents’ house (but seriously, don’t, it’s a goddamn pandemic), get on their Facebook, Twitter and YouTube accounts and quietly block all the right-winger groups that they’re part of”… that’s more glibness than an actual plan. While that actually CAN help start to bring them out of it, it doesn’t do the hard work of fixing what they broke. And honestly… that’s something they need to do, rather than for the people they hurt to “reach out” to them first.

In an ideal world, the answer would be layered. Social media sites like Facebook and YouTube would take actual responsibility for the harm they’ve done and not just give after-the-fact meaningless apologies and token solutions, knee-capping the ability for this to spread. On the individual level, the best practice would be reaching people before they’re in so deep that they feel like they can’t get out, gently making them aware of how they’re getting played.

But we don’t live in an ideal world, and that means we as individuals have fewer options. But when people start to snap out of it, it’s going to be on them to do the work of trying to repair the damage and rebuild their relationships, not on you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am 29, male, cis, of Indian descent although very much western (and was born in the US), and am trying to kickstart a romantic life that I left behind.

Now, context. When I was about 16, the first girl that I really fell for ended up rejecting me, and, while I know this sounds like a sob story (“it’s been 13 years, for f--k’s sake”, I hear you say), it’s relevant: she rejected me because I was “incompatible with her family’s beliefs”. After asking for clarification, it was exactly as bad as it sounds: her family was racist (she wasn’t, and was in tears telling me this), and I would never be accepted, no matter what existed between us. We tried to go separate ways, accidentally spent the next three years in each other’s social circles, tried addressing it a few times, she gaslit me about how she felt about me for a while, screamed at each other a lot, and then I sent a text that wasn’t meant for her when I was 20, and we went radio silence on each other. Saw her four years ago, and she spent a night getting drunk with her soon-to-be-husband, being snarky and mad at me while I bonded with her (very nice) husband over movies. 

I never really…”got over it” is what I’m saying. I just kind of stopped, romantically speaking. I spent, essentially, every year since kind of just meandering, never acting, finding people attractive and never saying anything, always assuming that people don’t find me attractive (according to some friends of mine from college, the amount of times I missed that someone was into was easily into the double digits). I never really felt “deserving” of affection and there was definitely a period of drinking based depression over my loneliness in the last ten years. I’ve talked with too many people about this, including actual therapists, and I think I came to a conclusion: my brain internalized the idea that, because of who I am, affection from people is limited, and that who I am is inherently going to give a glass ceiling on what people can/are willing to offer me in all relationships: professional, platonic, romantic.

Obviously, this is not true, completely irrational, and something that I have had to get over in setting after setting. I am currently on the path to becoming a teacher, having worked in education for, now, just under a decade (despite constant parental/sibling/familial bashing on my choices), whilst being actual award-winning levels of good (framed awards, on my desk, super proud of those), and looking at Master’s programs when *gestures wildly at current world* all of this at least calms down enough for me to stop stressing about that. I have amazing friends who care about me, all of whom are people who matter to me, and are all people I miss dearly given, again, present circumstances. I am constantly in contact, and have definitely been known to talk too much, but everyone either a) doesn’t seem to mind and actually loves hearing my conversations that spin into seemingly irrelevant tangents or b) get mad at me when I apologize for thinking that I dominate conversations because they’re sick of me apologizing for things. I’ve turned my “I talk too much in a language no one but me seems to understand” into some devastating rounds on JackBox is what I’m saying.

But the romantic side is just…something I can’t get over. And I know that that is irrational, and unreasonable. Healing is a process, and my other half-hearted attempts that ended in failure over the years in between have done me no favors (processing pain while still attempting to get people to care about you is both not fun or healthy). But I find myself again and again dwelling on just how alone I’ve felt and feel and it really bothers me.

However, I have really grown absolutely f--king sick of this side of things, have determined that my loneliness and apathy towards taking action to feel better is the root cause of a surprising amount of emotional pain in my life, and have decided to give this part of me another shot, I just…can’t help but feel absolutely paralyzed. I tried just pulling up the website for a dating service months ago, and I could FEEL my breathing, I ended up closing it and cleaning my apartment instead. One of my best friends SUGGESTED that they be the one to make a dating profile for me, and I dove at that, despite all the combined guilt that hit me like a punch to the soul after. Hell, I even feel bad writing this, and have had to FORCE myself to submit this question just because I feel guilt even asking for help.

I just can’t help but feel like I should be over this, ya know? I’m 29, I look the best I have legitimately ever looked, finally putting effort into working out daily and dressing better (online fashion services did away with a lot of my shopping anxieties). I am professionally fulfilled and damn good at it, with teachers in the school I work at giving me the chance to teach guest lessons, which I also knock out of the park. I don’t make a huge amount of cash, but enough to be comfortable while indulging my incredibly nerdy hobbies (I have a mostly painted army of 40K Necron to my right).

But every time I try to think about dating, my brain screams “You’re too inexperienced, you’re too old to learn, you’re too old for people to be forgiving about both of those, and you’ve lived too much of your life alone and could never adapt to anything else. To think someone could possibly care for you how you want them to is impossible. Just learn to be by yourself”. And then I calm down, meditate, go to sleep, only to wake up and think about this all over again. Quarantine has been hell.

It feels like the only thing I’ve ever wanted is to feel a sense of reciprocal attraction, and yet every time I try and do something about it, I seize up. I don’t know what to do, how to start, how to fix this mindset, or what steps I should be taking so, here I am. Emailing you on a Monday night where these emotions have flared up again.

So, yeah Doc. I know there’s a cure, I just don’t think I have it.

Any and all ideas are appreciated.

– Need a Battering Ram for this Emotional Wall

P.S. — And in classic fashion for my paranoid self, I read this back at least seven times.

DEAR NEED A BATTERING RAM FOR THIS EMOTIONAL WALL: This is a classic case of “the problem you have isn’t the problem you think you have”, NBRTEW. Your issue isn’t needing to get started or an emotional wall that you need to break through, it’s the sheer level of anxiety you’re feeling.

I don’t think it takes Freud to say that this goes beyond just having been dumped at sixteen. Don’t get me wrong: that absolutely sucked, especially considering why she dumped you. But while that certainly may have been a traumatic event at the time, I don’t think it’s the only thing that’s causing these feelings in you. And hell, while I think that the reinforcement from the way she treated you since — getting pissy at you for bonding with her fiancé, for example — certainly didn’t help, I don’t think that is the root cause either.

I think there’re two issues at play here. The first is that it seems like you’ve grown up in an environment where nothing you did was good enough. You drop a lot of hints in your letter that give a pretty strong indication that your family life was and is one of apparently heavy criticism. While I don’t think every family needs to be a recreation of the Brady Bunch or constantly affirming everyone’s worth and worthiness, if 99% of what you’re hearing is about how you don’t measure up, that’s gonna carve a groove in your brain. And when that feeling seems to be reinforced, repeatedly, by someone who supposedly cares about you… that’s going to leave some pretty hefty scars and make you incredibly gun-shy.

The second issue sounds very familiar to me. Again, there are a lot of things you mention in your letter — apologizing constantly, having panic attacks over mundane things like clothes shopping, even forcing yourself past an anxiety attack to write this letter (and proof-reading it seven times) — that set my Spidey-sense tingling. A lot of what you describe sounds an awful lot like what’s known as Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria — something I’ve dealt with over my lifetime as part of having ADHD. Now, this doesn’t mean that I think you have ADHD; in fact, RSD tends to be co-morbid with a number of other conditions, including borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorders and depression.

Rejection sensitivity and RSD can manifest as anxiety and panic attacks, intrusive thoughts about being “unworthy” of love, friendship and relationships, constant fear that you’ve upset or angered someone or being so terrified of rejection that you end up just not doing… anything. It can make you constantly second-guess yourself or try to analyze everything you’ve done in hopes of either avoiding rejection or reassuring yourself that no, everything’s ok and your friends don’t hate you. And honestly: it’s not something you can just will yourself to get over. Trust me: I’ve tried. I found ways of pushing past it in the moment, but that low-grade hum in the back of your mind doesn’t go away.

Now the good news is that this is all treatable. There are, for example, medications that can help with the anxiety and the emotional symptoms. Meditation, therapy, even learning how to control your breathing can all help manage the panic and calm down the jerkbrain voices that all insist that you’re not good enough and that your friends don’t like you. But that’s a conversation to be having with your therapist, not with me; Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor, after all. Talk to your therapist about the possibility of RSD or an anxiety disorder and whether talking to a psychiatrist about medical options would be right for you; they’re in a better position to tell you what your options are and what’re most likely to work well for you.

But one thing I can tell you: let yourself off the hook, man. Yes, this feels like something you should have been able to “just get over”… but the truth is that it rarely works like that. Especially if other things in your life — whether your upbringing, your familial relationships, even your exes — are reinforcing those negative feelings. Your anxieties aren’t something to be embarrassed about, nor should you be kicking yourself for not being able to just “will” yourself out of it or just magically “get over it”. The truth is that you’ve been putting in a lot of work to grow and improve as a person, in your career and in your relationships. That’s all something to be proud of. The fact that you short-change it or hold it up as proof that you “should” be over this just devalues the work and progress you’ve made. All that you’ve mentioned about how far you’ve come? That’s a sign of just how strong and determined you are.

The fact that you have an issue that’s hung in there as long as it has doesn’t mean that you’re weak or defective; it just means that it may be something you can’t handle by yourself and that’s fine. It’s not failure to need help from others, nor is it a sign of weakness to reach out to ask for it. You wouldn’t blame someone for not being able to ‘will’ themselves cured of cancer; why are your emotional problems any less serious or deserving of less help from professionals who specialize in it?

The other thing I think that will help is to give yourself permission to not worry about relationships right now and to focus on your emotional health. The best thing you can do for yourself is make yourself and your well-being your priority. Dealing with these issues and finding treatments and ways of getting it under control are going to be much easier if you’re not kicking yourself for not having more relationships. As I said before: erase the word “should” from your vocabulary. You’re treating this as though you’ve fallen behind on a plan and path that everyone is expected to follow. Except you haven’t, and you aren’t. There’s no one path, no one set number of waypoints you’re supposed to hit within a certain time limit. There is only your path, your journey, and you will get where you need to go at your own pace and in your own time.

Don’t worry about love or relationships; those will still be waiting for you. Make yourself your top priority for now. When you’re ready, there will be time enough for love.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com