DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: About a year ago, I met the coolest guy I’ve ever known. We’re both grad students at the same university and we were in some classes together, and we just really hit it off. We share a lot of interests and have a blast when we hang out, often spending entire days together up until the wee hours of the morning. We play video games together, have movie nights, go out hiking, have study dates… you name it. His smile lights up my whole damn day and being friends with him has gotten me through some very tough times. He means the world to me.

I’ll admit I think he’s attractive, and a while back I asked if he wanted to date. He said he wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship, and after a couple of weeks of nursing my hurt feelings, I realized I felt the same way. I love him, but I don’t really want anything sexual either, and I don’t think we’d be a good match in a romantic sense, so I’m thankful he turned me down because actually dating would have been bad for our friendship. Things were a little awkward for a month or so, but we kept hanging out and for a while now we’ve been back to pre-asking out levels of interaction (so, nearly daily hours-long hangouts, texting all the time, cooking each other dinner, etc.). Things are awesome.

My problem is that I live in absolute fear that he’s going to start dating some other woman and forget about me. He hasn’t dated anyone since I’ve known him and seems pretty committed to the whole “I’m not interested in a relationship” thing right now not just with me, but with anybody. But he’s also talked about wanting to get married and have kids one day, so I know it will happen eventually. And it just breaks my heart to know that when he does decide to start dating, our friendship is going to change. At worst, he’ll find a woman who isn’t at all comfortable with him having a female friend that he spends so much time with and he’ll ghost me. At best, he’ll start having to split his time between us, and she’ll get the lion’s share of it (as a girlfriend should). And the thought of losing him, even a little bit of him, just sounds horrific to me.

One of my other friends suggested that I start weaning myself off of all the time I spend with him so that it’s easier later, but part of me just keeps thinking that if I’m going to lose him eventually, shouldn’t I spend as much time as possible with him now to maximize the memories? I mean, best case scenario is that I have maybe three more years with him before we finish grad school and move to separate parts of the country anyway, so I was already feeling like there was a ticking clock with our friendship. I just really don’t want him to cut that already short time down by dating someone.

Anyway, I guess my question is: How do I stop being insanely jealous of a theoretical woman who may not even exist? And if he does start dating, how can I navigate the new relationship so that I don’t lose him but he is still happy with his (theoretical) girlfriend? I know I’m panicking over something that might not even happen, but I feel like I can’t let go of my fear until I have a plan for how I COULD respond.

Thanks, Doc!

The Other Girl-Space-Friend

DEAR THE OTHER GIRL-SPACE-FRIEND: So I want to preface this by saying that the fear that you feel is real. The issue at hand is that I don’t think it’s a fear based on things that are actually going to happen.

The problem you’re having, OGSF, is what I call “borrowing trouble from the future”. What you’re doing right now is looking at A future — not THE future, not even a future that may come to pass — and reacting to it as though it’s happening already. Not only has he not met somebody, but he hasn’t even shown any interest in meeting people. And yet you’ve already mapped out several futures where you’re going to get your heart broken and you’re responding to them as though they were real and had already happened.

The thing is: while this can sound like someone vastly overreacting, this is actually an issue that happens to a lot of folks. See, our brains are kind of astounding. We have the capacity to imagine things in ways that are so real, so vivid, that our brains functionally can’t tell the difference between reality and what we’re imagining. Our brains will react to what we imagine as though it were actually real; the things hurting us are imaginary, but the pain is real. When we imagine those worst-case scenarios — or have those 3 AM moments when we ruminate over all the awkward cringey things we may have done, for that matter — we are, for all intents and purposes, are hurting our own feelings.

And to make matters worse, we have an inherent bias towards the negative. Negative thoughts, beliefs and experiences affect us more strongly than positive ones, and we tend to remember them more clearly and vividly than positive ones. This, in turn means that we’re much more likely to dwell on them and play them over and over again in our heads… which just makes the pain worse, reinforcing the negativity and reaffirming the worst case scenario as being “real” even though it hasn’t happened.

Now the reason you’re feeling like this is because you haven’t just made leaps in logic, you’ve pole-vaulted over them. To start with, you’re assuming facts that aren’t in evidence. The fact that he says he wants to get married and have kids one day doesn’t mean his dropping you as a friend is an inevitability. To start with: people say a lot of things about their future — even things that they mean in the moment — that don’t come to pass. I mean, in high-school, I was telling everyone that I was going to be a stand-up comedian and hey, that never happened. He may well never start dating or get married. Dude could well be asexual or aromantic. If he decides to start dating, he may well not be into long-term or serious, committed relationships.

(You’re also assuming that he’s necessarily interested in dating or having long-term relationships with women. While demographics say the odds are that he’s straight instead of gay or pansexual, it’s not an impossibility.)

But more than that, you’re also assuming that your relationship is going to take the back seat to his relationship with his future partner, which, again, is neither guaranteed, nor suggested by the behavior you describe. Friendships don’t end just because somebody starts dating. In fact, it’s more accurate to say that ditching your friends for your partner is more likely to damage your romantic relationship. Having friends and a life outside of your relationship actually makes your romantic relationship stronger. So while the amount of time he has to spend with you may change, that doesn’t mean that your friendship will end. After all, the amount of time he has to spend with you could change for any number of other reasons — work schedules, travel, your finding a romantic partner and so on.

But what about if he starts dating somebody who doesn’t trust you or dislikes that he has a close and emotionally intimate relationship with another woman? Well, that’s more of a her problem than a you problem. But more to the point, you’re back to assuming facts not in evidence. First: you’re assuming that he’s going to date somebody who has a problem with his being friends with you. But you’re also assuming that your friend thinks so little of you and your friendship that he’s going to drop someone he very clearly cares about because his girlfriend had a tantrum. I would assume that he’s not the kind of guy to do that in the first place — you know him better than I do. But you also don’t present any indication that this is even likely outside of your imagination.

Hell, even your “best” scenario is that you both split after you get your degrees and never see each other again.

I think it’s not a bad idea to examine just why you’re so convinced that this friendship is doomed. That sounds a lot like anxiety issues that’re latching onto the nearest available fear — which is the sort of thing that’s worth unpacking with a counselor or therapist. But in the meantime, let’s talk a little about what you can do. But rather than how to hold on to a friendship in some theoretical future — because I don’t think that’s actually going to be an issue — I want to talk about how to get some of those free-floating anxieties under control.

To start with: you need to start practicing some mind control. Not on him, on you. There’re a lot of ways of doing this; in my experience, mindfulness meditation is one of the best ways to start getting some of these anxieties under control. Part of the point of mindfulness meditation is learning how to be bigger than your thoughts; rather than trying to force them away or repress them, instead you “pop” out of them. You recognize that you’re thinking and redirect your mind back to your focus, letting those thoughts simply dwindle and fall away. Similarly, you learn to acknowledge that you’re having those thoughts or feelings without validating them. By acknowledging them, you recognize they’re there… but you’re not accepting them as real or valid. They don’t define you; they’re just momentary thoughts or feelings that will pass. Noting them and naming them reminds you that your thoughts are just thoughts. Your anxieties are just anxieties. By getting that space, you diminish their immediacy and intensity. By doing that, you reduce their power over you.

If you give this a try, I recommend working with an app or a guided meditation program that focuses specifically on calming anxiety or fears. The app Calm, for example, has a number of good guided meditations about handling anxiety, as well as dealing with complicated emotions surrounding relationships.

By that same token, you can also defang them by deliberately changing them. After all, these thoughts are just that: thoughts. They’re something you can control. So rather than letting those nightmare scenarios play out, start to change them. Imagine it playing backwards and upside down. Or turn it black and white and add old-time-y music so it plays like a silent movie instead. Or, when you imagine his future girlfriend trying to tell him he can’t see you, picture her head inflating like a balloon or shrinking like the end of Beetlejuice. The more absurd and outlandish you make these imaginary scenarios, the less power they have to affect you.

However, you don’t want to just focus on the negative. Instead of assuming a worst-case “our friendship is doomed” future, imagine one where you’re still tight. Think of the episodes of How I Met Your Mother that saw everyone as old, grey and wrinkled and still hanging out together. Or a Golden Girls-esque situation. After all, these are as likely as any scenario where you and he are splitsville.

What you shouldn’t do is distance yourself from him “just in case”. I’m sure your friend meant well but that is, honestly, one of the most absurd things I’ve heard in a while. By pulling away from him in order to avoid a painful future — a future that may never happen — you’re all but guaranteeing the end of your friendship. By trying to protect yourself from heartbreak in some theoretical future, all you’re doing is robbing yourself of the joy, friendship and companionship of the present. So not only do you end up getting friend-dumped (again, in this theoretical, not real future), but you don’t even have your friendship until that time. That’s both ridiculous and short-sighted.

Honestly, the best thing you can do — both now and in the future — is continue to be friends and keep on as you’re going on now. While I understand that you want some plan in hopes that it’ll ease your anxieties, the problem is that there’s no plan that’s going to cover all of those potential futures. Worse, trying to plan for an eventuality that only exists in your anxieties is more likely to cement it in your brain. You’re going to be looking for signs that it’s happening, instead of enjoying your friendship. And ironically enough, that can end up being the thing that pushes you apart.

The key to keeping a friendship strong through adversity is… well, being a good friend, being willing to work through adversity together, bond over the things that you enjoy, be vulnerable and supportive with each other. So, y’know. The stuff you’re already doing and have already done when you powered through that awkward patch.

Focus less on trying to stop a future from coming true and more on getting those anxieities under control. That is your issue, not some future friendship break up. Stop borrowing trouble from the Days of Futures Past and just embrace the now.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Shortly before the quarantine, my best female friend kissed me, but she ran away afterwards. Not like in movies and stuff, more like she was embarrassed and walked away in awkward silence. I think she might have been embarrassed. I tried to text her, but she won’t answer.

The thing is, I like her but I don’t want to blatantly tell her that. I want to talk about it first. This isn’t the only time she’s acted like this. Once she got drunk and tried to… make a move on me but since I was designated driver, I drove her home and put her to bed, then drove back to the bar, since I had other friends who needed to be driven home. I thought nothing of it, because she was drunk. I don’t know what to do about this, and I was hoping you could help me.

Twice Shy

DEAR TWICE SHY: First: you made the right call of getting your friend home safe, then heading back to the bar to take care of your friends, TS. That speaks well of you. So, for that matter, does quietly pretending that nothing happened and letting the matter get shoved down the memory hole. We’ve all had nights where we’ve had more drinks than we should have and did things that would make us cringe so hard that our skeletons would pop out of our bodies and vacate the premise for a less embarrassing home. So good on you for letting your friend keep the shreds of her dignity.

But as the saying goes: once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action a message. And it seems that your friend has been trying to send you a message for a while, culminating in this latest event.

That’s why I’m not entirely sure where the conflict is here, TS. She pretty clearly likes you. You pretty clearly like her. She hasn’t been sending signals so much as flares, even if she’s feeling shy and awkward about it all. Frankly, I don’t get why you wouldn’t to straight up tell somebody that you like them. I’ve seen far too many people who seem to think that actually being up front with their feelings is somehow “bad” or “weak”; not suprisingly, they’re also the ones that either end up stuck in The Friend Zone1 or complain about how women are impossible to understand.

So I’m not entirely sure what there is to discuss besides “hey, it seems like you’re into me, I’m into you, how about we go on a proper date and see what happens?” Because frankly, the only way she could be demonstrating her interest any more blatantly would be to hire skywriters.

Just ask her out on a date. Not “hang out some time”, not “get together” but a date. Then see where things go. Either she’ll be relieved that you finally got the message, or you’ll find out that no, she’s not that interested in you after all and this has all been a wacky misunderstanding. Somehow. With makeouts.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So I’m in a bit of a pickle and I’m just gonna dive right in: My boyfriend’s birthday, Christmas and our anniversary are all within a month of each other. I’m sure you can see where this is going.

I’m a broke, unemployed 25 year old guy, so I can’t afford to buy him a gift for each occasion. I tried to tell him that last year, and he of course threw down the sob story that he only ever got one present for his birthday and Christmas growing up and how I must not love him as much as I say I do if I’m not willing to break the bank for him during the month of December.

Also, anytime I put my foot down with him, I am “yelling” at him, which is super annoying and not cute.

Help!

–One’s Enough

DEAR ONE’S ENOUGH: While I have sympathy for your boyfriend, OE, their situation’s hardly unique. There’re plenty of folks whose birthdays fall near or around holidays, who often have to deal with the “burden” of sharing their celebration with other events and occasions. And while it’s kind of a shame to be getting slightly fewer presents than others… that’s also hardly unique. Plenty of folks don’t get tons of presents for birthdays or holidays because the people in their lives can’t afford to give them lots of presents. That’s a reality of life.

Under other circumstances, I’d suggest picking one event to celebrate with presents and find something special to commemorate the other occasions that don’t involve spending a lot of money. This could be anything from a sweet (but inexpensive, or even free) date, a romantic (and simple) dinner or other experience. Hell, it could be reserving the night to have a marathon of favorite movies on Netflix or Hulu.

But that would be when you were dating somebody who didn’t act like an entitled little s--t about how many presents he gets.

While it’s somewhat understandable to have a vague sad about a Christmas-adjacent birthday, throwing a hissy fit makes me wonder just how mature your boyfriend is. His telling you that you must not love him if you’re not expressing it in presents you can’t afford to give makes me think that he’s either spoiled or an asshole or both. And the fact that he gets pissy when you try to lay down a line or set a boundary is a sign that he’s not relationship material.

Quite frankly, he doesn’t sound like someone who respects you, your boundaries or the fact that you’re broke as hell and is demanding that you shower him with things you literally can’t afford to give. Now maybe this is something that could be fixed with a come-to-Jesus talk about how inconsiderate he’s being, the fact that you literally can’t afford to do the things he’s demanding and that his trying to emotionally manipulate you is both unwelcome and f--king crass.

But honestly, this sounds more like a “kick him to the curb with the rest of the garbage” situation and find yourself a good guy who understands the realities of your situation and also doesn’t measure affection by material goods. Because frankly, I can’t imagine a world where this dude is so amazing at sex or great in other areas that his whiny bulls--t is worth it. And you deserve better than this, OE.

So if you think it’s possible, then I’d say sit him down and read him the riot act and make it clear that you don’t appreciate the way he acts. But otherwise? It may well be time to draw the curtain on this dude and to use this Christmas to find yourself an upgrade to something better.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Found you years ago back when I was a high school student and here I am now writing to you as a college student.

Here’s a backstory leading up to my current situation, which all started back in January this year. I transferred to an out-of-state university as a junior during the spring semester, and was a little concerned about having no friends in school once again.

Luckily, my cousin goes to this college and was able to introduce me to her friends in Smash Club. While I was a filthy casual when it came to Smash, they all took me in pretty fast seeing how I was a cute girl who wrote them notes daily, baked cookies on occasion, and speed-ran HuniePop during club meetings when I lose in bracket.

I met a boy who I’ll call Ludwig for this story. Let me tell you, the moment I offered him my duck umbrella during a rainstorm and he commented about how cool it was, I was infatuated. I can admit it was a unhealthy crush, almost bordering obsession, and I’m glad I was able to let go of those feelings and find closure despite it taking 5 months soon afterwards paired with quarantine.

I haven’t allowed myself to fall in love for someone for years since I was always planning to move away for school and I know I can’t do long-distance, which is why I fell as hard as I did at the time. At the same time, he broke up with his girlfriend shortly before I met him, but that was due to him still having strong feelings about his high school ex who also attended this college with us. Thus, you could guess when I inevitably confessed to him that I liked him, he rejected me and told me he wasn’t ready for any relationship.

Ludwig and I still kept in regular contact throughout these months, from January to August. Whether it was through Discord group calls or texting each other privately, it was always nice to have affirmation that he still wanted to be my friend and did look out for me. We actually did have a small misunderstanding that lasted from late July to early August, but we have since reconciled. We also discovered our initial confusion would’ve been solved faster and easier if a mutual friend didn’t interfere and asked Ludwig to not reach out to me, while assuming the worst from me and thinking I actually had it out for Ludwig from our mix-up.

However, I think it made us stronger as friends and once again reaffirmed that we want the best for each other and we still want to be positively involved in the other’s life. It was shortly after this when he opened up to me about his still present feelings for his high school ex.

Knowing full well I wasn’t the first person he’s talked to about this but also respecting his privacy enough to have never asked about his relationship troubles with any of our friends or himself in any point in the past, I had to tread carefully in a conversation that lasted until 3 in the morning. I thought it would be good to validate his feelings to a point, but bring him to reality when he talked about he felt she was the perfect one for him and other things relating to that train of thought.

Ludwig was still defensive to a degree, but he was still reluctantly open enough to tell me how he was scared of going to sleep due to him having good dreams about her and waking up into a reality without her.

It would be fair to say that my opinion of Ludwig went down a little after telling me he’s carried a torch for a girl that he hasn’t dated in years and still prioritizes her despite her ghosting him regularly. However, I didn’t let that conversation affect our friendship negatively, because why would it? After that conversation, he began to ask if I wanted to hang out with him in person, and our meet-ups grew more frequent throughout the month of September.

I slowly started developing feelings for him again, but they were a lot healthier in comparison to my first run. I didn’t let my crush get in the way of my other obligations or promises or priorities. I also made a conscious decision to not pursue it, seeing how it’d feel like I’m beating a dead horse and how he literally talked about his ex the previous month.

However, he grew increasingly more affectionate and started confiding in me a lot more than he previously had in the past. This should have made things obvious to me, but I didn’t want to read into it at the time or give myself false hope. Ludwig eventually did confess to me after we watched a stupid movie and drank two bottles of wine. I was shocked and told him flat out that I was shocked before telling him that I’m really happy and that I returned his feelings.

After that, we started dating after both talking about how we want to take things slow. He wanted to take it slow because it felt a little weird to be dating a good friend versus someone he wasn’t friends with prior and I did because it’s been years since I dated seriously and I was still relatively inexperienced.

If you ask me, I believe our relationship is really great and I’m fortunate to have as strong as a foundation we had to begin with. We both value communication and quality time and I know he’d never do anything that would intentionally hurt me. As an example of this: Ludwig told me he wouldn’t have taken a chance on us if he didn’t see us working out, as well as admitting his feelings for his crush were dying out and also getting replaced with feelings for me.

However, my main dilemma is that even though we’ve been through quite a bit platonically, Ludwig still feels incredibly anxious about our relationship and we’ve been keeping it a secret from our entire friend group minus three people. I didn’t mind at all at first because I cared and respect him and I still do. However, both our families eventually found out and now know about our relationship and I found it weird that it was still a secret from our friends. I brought it up to him and suggested we can surprise our friends on Halloween, which he seemed receptive to at the time.

However, when a friend of ours recently found out in a private hangout thanks to my lockscreen being a picture of Ludwig sleeping with my dog. I texted Ludwig about it and I think he freaked out before telling me as calmly as he can about how he still wants our relationship on the down-low because he still feels anxious about us and he wants me to understand that a little.

I told him right afterwards that I’m glad he was open to me about his feelings and that we don’t have to go public on Halloween if he’s not ready. I then reassured him that I’ll be here for him no matter what and reaffirmed that I like him and I like us. We then had a calm conclusion afterwards, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bummed about the aftermath.

I know his anxiety isn’t going away anytime soon, but neither will I and I always tell him that. I know he’s upset at himself about his anxiety throwing a wrench in an otherwise good relationship. We’re both happy with each other, but I always wonder if there’s more I can do for him to ease his concerns about us. Is there anything I might be doing wrong with my approach or reaction? Or is there something I could be doing more? How can I be a supportive partner to Ludwig and for him to truly recognize that?

A Former Lonely Sonnet

DEAR A FORMER LONELY SONNET: “Found you years ago back when I was a high school student and here I am now writing to you as a college student.”

Cool, cool, pardon me while I disintegrate into a pile of dust and blow away…

Alright, AFLS, you’ve got quite the tumultuous history with Ludwig. And you’re not wrong: it’s been my experience that having a strong friendship first can lead to an incredibly rewarding romantic relationship. That shared history together is, in some ways, like getting to skip some of the more awkward parts of dating — the getting to know you stages where you you have to learn to accept or tolerate the quirks that aren’t cute and endearing and/or get on your nerves — while still having the thrill of the New Relationship Energy. You also have that baseline of shared history and shared experiences, which can be pretty significant.

However… I want to caution you that 10 months off and on is not as long as it may feel to you. If you and Ludwig had just started dating and hadn’t had those months where you were just getting to know each other, I’d be reminding you that you’re in the honeymoon stage of the relationship. It may feel like everything is perfect and you and your beau clearly have a Love To Last The Ages, but the truth is that you’re still very much in the early days of dating. This is the time when the oxytocin and dopamine are flowing pretty hard and you are both literally getting high off each others’ presence. While all that feels abso-goddamn-lutely amazing, it also means that you’re not exactly the most objective when it comes to them. That dopamine rush is a hell of a thing, and it means that you’re often going to overlook potential red flags because you feel so damn good and hey, everything about him is cute and charming and THE POWER OF YOUR CONNECTION and so on.

Red flags like, say, the fact that he wants you to keep your relationship on the down-low.

Now, I can kind of understand why he might want to keep things quiet. Y’know. If I squint. A lot. You’ve already had one “friend” who got up in the mix of your friendship, and that lead to you and he being convinced that you didn’t like each other. College can be a giant drama factory, and there’re plenty of folks — full of enthusiasm but absolutely no experience or perspective — who’re more than happy to light the fuse on drama bombs and lob ’em into the laps of the people around them. And I can see other reasons why someone might want to keep a relationship on the q.t. — usually because it involves physical threats, legal issues or family drama that could blow the whole thing sky high.

But frankly in this case… this doesn’t really pass the smell test. The fact that he wants to keep it a secret (or as much of a secret as it can be when at least three people already know) because he’s “anxious” about the relationship? The relationship that he wouldn’t have taken a chance on if he didn’t think it would work out? That smells fishier than the dumpster behind a Long John Silver’s, if I’m being honest.

I suspect there’s another reason why he’s a little more concerned about keeping things quiet. I think he may not have been entirely straight with you when he said his feelings for his ex have faded. While I don’t think he’s trying to date you on the side until his ex comes back around… I don’t think he’s necessarily going to strenuously object if she does. Keeping the illusion of still being single means keeping up the hope that maybe, just maybe, she’s going to change her mind and decide she likes him again. No, it’s not logical. But feelings rarely are, especially when you’re young and you’re still thinking about The One That Got Away.

I think you and your ex need to have an Awkward Conversation about just what he’s anxious about and why he wants to keep this a secret. Part of the problem when one person wants to keep a relationship a secret is that he’s not the only person who has to lie; he’s asking you to join him in that lie. You’re having to monitor everything you do in hopes of not accidentally giving the game away. And that doesn’t just mean avoiding PDA or not using the cutesy nicknames you have for each other. It means trying to avoid things like, say, having people notice that he’s on your phone’s lock-screen.

And quite frankly… the secret’s already out. I mean, the whole thing about “three can keep a secret if two are dead” is true, and three people already know. Four, possibly, if your friend who clocked your phone wasn’t one of them. At that point… unless you’re going to make them sign some hellacious NDAs, the game’s up already. If they haven’t told someone else, then it’s just a countdown until they do. So at this point, you and he may as well talk this through and try to get to the bottom of just why he’s trying to keep you all a secret.

But even if it’s not because he’s trying to keep word from reaching his ex, it’s still a s--tty thing to do. It puts an unnecessary strain on the relationship, it means you have to keep a running tally of who does know, who doesn’t know and how much they know. It means having to obfuscate, if not outright lie to your friends. And that ain’t cool.

If you two want this relationship to work, you both have to be coming to it from a place of integrity… with each other and with your friends. And that’s not happening here.

So block out some time, sit him down in person, and hash this out.

If you care for him, if he cares for you and you both honestly want this relationship to work? You need to talk this through. Maybe it won’t end with his agreeing that yes, you don’t have to keep this a secret any more. But at the very least, you’ll understand where he’s coming from and why. And that will make it easier to decide how you want to proceed with things.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com