DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: How do I make friends during this time of COVID-19?

So, in 2018 I (male, 30) moved to a new country for work and met my then GF (we will call V) only 3 months after moving. I had zero connections in the city, and where I work either people are very socially isolated (Not negatively, can’t think of an appropriate word) or were in very strong cliques to begin with. This makes it hard to get in with people and even then I am not a person who invests in people. I’m trying to work on this although it is hard to change nature.

I met my girlfriend though Bumble, where we hit it off right away. I was very invested in her, which is something I don’t normally do. The real rub of this was that she was my first GF that lasted more than 3 dates. From there, it was very typical until the Big C came. One day the stress got too much, and an argument erupted and this time I let slip that I would like a family. Even to this day I have no idea why I said it. I had decided to take up counseling and try and make repairs to my mental health. After that argument, 2 weeks had passed and she returned from seeing friends and family . Then that is when we split up. We both agreed that this was best for us and it went by a well as a break up can be.

However, I had no choice but to live with V, as I had nowhere to go absolutely nowhere. This made realized that I f--ked up big time and I felt so guilty and ashamed that I had to stay at her place until I could find my own.

I’m all settled into a new place, the pain is still lingering from time to time but it is a scar I’m glad to have. However, I need to build a much stronger support network for myself if I am to ever survive during this COVID-19 time. I have family and a best friend back home, but they are 8+ hours ahead of me. How can I make more friends if I can’t go out or do social activities?

Best Wishes,

Love In The Time Of COVID

DEAR LOVE IN THE TIME OF COVID: First of all, LITC, good on you for going in for counseling. One of the things that tends to get overlooked is just how much the stress all of us are living with during the pandemic. Even if you’ve got a stable living situation and relative financial security, the fact that all of life has been put on an indefinite pause is incredibly hard to live with. Fear of contracting the disease, fear of our friends and family catching it, the economic damage, even the question of how long we’re going to be living like this is part of the background radiation of our lives right now. This is is going to weigh on a person, even if they’re not necessarily aware of it. As I’ve said elsewhere: all of our feelings are much larger and much louder and closer to the surface. We’ve got far less emotional bandwidth than we would normally, and that’s going to come spilling out in all kinds of unexpected ways. So the fact that you’re taking care of yourself and your emotional health is a very good thing.

Of course, part of what helps us through the hards times — whether it’s a global pandemic, or just a rough couple of months — is having a solid social network of friends. Loneliness is a literal killer — it’s actually worse for us than smoking or heart disease, and men in particular are dealing with an epidemic of loneliness. And while it can seem daunting to make friends under the best of circumstances… it’s even more difficult during a global pandemic that’s left us all in quarantine. After all, so much of male friendship is based on shared activities, and we can’t exactly have poker nights or hit up the pub and catch the game right now.

But difficult isn’t the same as impossible. We’re living in an unprecedented situation, which requires some outside-the-box thinking. It is also going to require some initiative on your part.

Friendships take time to build; it’s estimated that it takes approximately 50 hours to become casual friends, about 90 hours to become good friends, and close to 200 hours to become close friends. That can seem intimidating at first, but it can actually go much faster than you realize… if you understand what you’re doing. This is why one of the best places to start when you’re trying to make new friends is to embrace weak ties —  the people who are casual acquaintances, folks you’ve met through other activities and shared interests. Your coworkers are an obvious starting point, but they’re not the only people you can reach out to. Finding people who share your interests and passions are another natural starting point to build the initial social ties that can lead to friendship. Start looking for social events in your city, especially ones that may have transitioned to Zoom or other online communities. Whether you check out MeetUp, hit up the subreddits for your city, or seeing if the local gaming store has a “find a D&D campaign” service, look for the people who’re into the things you enjoy as well. Join the groups and start getting to know people.

But while that’ll help give you the weak ties that serve as a starting point, you’re going to have to do the work to turn those ties into friendships. The key to making that leap is simple: repetition and regularity. It’s much easier to reach those 50, 90, 200 hour marks when you are regularly spending time together; that’s part of why it was so much easier to make friends in high-school and college. You were seeing all those people five days a week, minimum… more if you were hanging out on the weekends. But since you’re no longer in school, having regular events helps make up the difference. So you want to start hosting events that you can invite people to take part in… virtually, in this case.

The nice thing about planning virtual events is that it requires you to get creative. One group of men started a Bromance Novel Club, reading and discussing romance novels with their friends. Several clients I’ve worked with have found success in having a weekly cooking challenge; they get together over Zoom to choose a particular dish or ingredient and then cook a meal using that week’s dish as a focal point. Then the next week they share how things came out, discuss what they did, trade recipes and even see about putting their spin on things — how would they make this for someone who’s gluten-intolerant, or who’s vegan or has an allergy?

You can even have more “traditional” activities. You can set up group calls to watch sporting events, play various multiplayer games together, host board game nights via TableTopia or Tabletop Simulator or just a weekly Zoom cocktail hour.

But regardless of what you choose, you want to make a point of hosting those events regularly. Trying to freestyle it and just have get-togethers when either the mood strikes or when everyone’s schedules line up means that you’ll end up having one, maybe two events and then… nothing. Life just gets in the way, people stop coming and you end up in the same place you were before. Having regularly scheduled events — ones that happen on the same day, at the same time — makes it much easier to keep the emotional momentum going. When people know that the cocktail hour is every Friday at 6:30, they’re able to reserve space in their schedule; if they miss it this week, they know they can see everyone the next time. Short, regular get-togethers are better in the long run; small bursts of company helps keep a steady pace, instead of brief, intense bursts of companionship followed by weeks or months between, bleeding away any progress you all might have made toward becoming closer.

The great thing about planning these events is that they translate easily to meeting up in person as well. When it’s safe to meet up again, you can shift from Zoom to getting together at the pub, meeting up for cookouts or what-have-you and keep the same vibe going. Plus: having those regular get-togethers gives you something you can invite people to, helping to build your social circle further.

Of course, to solidify a friendship is going to take more than just getting together for cards. Close friendships are built through openness, emotional intimacy and vulnerability. Being willing to open up and talk about issues that go deeper than sports, booze, broads and beers is core to making friendships that last. And, especially when you’re dealing with men, that often means modeling the kind of behavior you want to see and the kinds of friendship you want to have. That can take some courage on your end, but it’s worth it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:

I have a consent problem. My girlfriend has started getting really annoyed with me asking for consent - especially when it comes to kissing. I’ve told her that I’ve been told that it’s sexual assault to kiss without verbal consent but she says it’s a BIG turn off to be asked.

She says she wants it to be spontaneous/natural and she says we should trust each other enough to just say “no”. She applies this to oral sex as well - she says she’d prefer if I just went for it and trust her to say no if she doesn’t want it. I don’t know what to do - feminists tell me it has to be verbal every time for every single act including removing clothing, but my girlfriend wants to be spontaneous and natural. I can tell this is becoming a big issue for her - what should I do?!?!

Confused About Consent

DEAR CONFUSED ABOUT CONSENT: I think either you’ve misunderstood things or you’ve been listening to people who’ve told you what feminists want without actually listening to what people have actually SAID about enthusiastic consent. Enthusiastic consent isn’t about asking every step of the way, it’s about confirming that your partner wants to do things that you want to do too.

Now to be fair: asking at each stage is one way to ensure you’re getting an unambiguous yes. However, there are a number of ways to ask for or give consent that don’t involve asking yes/no questions, especially when you have an established relationship with them. Someone responding enthusiastically when you move in to kiss them, for example, is showing that yes, they want to kiss you — especially by giving them time to give you the wave-off, or you move in and give them the chance to move the rest of the way and initiate the kiss themselves. If they give you the cheek, hold up a hand, don’t move in to close the distance, or otherwise don’t give an unambiguous signal to keep going, they’re demonstrating pretty clearly that no, they don’t want to kiss you. Alternately, asking for consent can be part of dirty talk – a “I want to do X to you so badly,” “Do you want Y, baby?”  “I need Z, right now”. You can check in as you’re making out – a breathy “do you like that?” can be incredibly sexy. You can also slow things down, particularly during foreplay. Think, for example, of slowly kissing your way down your girlfriend’s neck and torso. Not only does this give her time to give a “yes” or “no” – which may well be grabbing you by the ears and pulling you forward – but the anticipation can heighten the excitement.

But more to the point: your girlfriend’s given you a certain amount of implied consent to kiss her or to escalate things during make-outs and sex. She’s told you, specifically, how SHE prefers you escalates things. Not every woman is going to feel this way, obviously, but your girlfriend has let you know, in no uncertain terms that this is how she wants you to proceed.

To be sure: she can change her mind about what she does and doesn’t consent to at any time. She can tell you that ok, she WOULD prefer you check in verbally before initiating anything. But right now, she’s told you straight up that she prefers that you just kiss her instead of asking. So, y’know. Kiss her already.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in college and have no idea how to dating or hooking up or anything related, but I think I’m going to be able to hook up with someone soon and an awkward thought popped up into my head: do I shave? Especially…you know…down there.

This probably sounds like a stupid question with a no-brainer answer, but I legitimately don’t know and definitely can’t ask the people around me, so I figured I’d try here. Thanks!

Untrimmed Hedges

DEAR UNTRIMMED HEDGES: Body grooming and pubic hair maintenance tends to be a matter of fashion more than anything else; trends about who’s supposed to have how much hair where have varied immensely over the millennia. Roman women used to pluck their pubic hair out completely. Egyptian men used to go almost completely hairless. Burt Reynolds posed naked on a bear-skin rug that was almost as furry as he was and started a trend of hairy-chested masculinity. Right now, the trends in men’s body hair tends to follow gay porn; once gay male pornstars started having freshly waxed chests and boyzilians, straight dudes started to follow.

But as with all trends, the pendulum swings both ways, and there’ll always be people with strong opinions about body hair that don’t follow what the movie stars and celebrities do. So the answer is – for the most part – roll with what you feel most comfortable with. If you want to shave your legs, knock yourself out; lots of athletes do so before matches. If you wanna get the waxing trifecta at the estheticians, go for it. If you’re happy and hirsute, get down with your fuzzy self. If you want to do something in between, then consider a trim, rather than removal and be artful about it. Cutting everything to one length looks weird. Leave your chest hair a bit longer than the hair on your lower-torso, and if you’re going to depilate your abs (the better to show them off, my dear), then make sure you keep the treasure-trail from your navel on down.

It’s worth noting that preferences about body hair, how much and where, will also vary from person to person. Some folks like their partners to be smoother than a baby’s butt. Some folks like their partners to be all kinds of fuzzy. So there will always be a balancing act between what you prefer and the things that your potential partners are into. My rule of thumb is: go with whatever makes you feel the sexiest, then decide if you want to adjust things when you’re in a relationship with someone. Maybe you’ll like it because they like it, maybe you’ll decide you prefer your previous grooming routine… but that’s a “shave that bridge when we come to it” situation.

All that being said, while most people will appreciate some careful maintenance of their pubic hair, women in general aren’t crazy about completely bald junk. Not only does it carry images of prepubescence, but ingrown hairs are a motherf—ker — especially there, and crotch stubble ain’t fun when you’re bumping uglies. So I’d suggest trimming things and keeping it nice and neat without going so short it becomes scratchy and irritating. And be sure to use a trimmer made specifically for body hair, not just your face; the hair on your torso’s a different texture and thickness and trying to use your beard trimmer is going to end up with a lot of uncomfortable snags and pulls.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m writing to you anyways because I really need your help. I’m actually pretty ashamed of my problems too. I despise the way I think and feel, yet no matter how hard I try to repress them, they just keep resurfacing. I feel like I have to repress them because if I try to express my thoughts and feelings to another person, I’ll most likely be vilified. Hell, even I would shun me. But you seem like a very intelligent individual with an open mind, so maybe you can help.

So just a little information about me to offer some insight. I’m eighteen and male. I reside in Canada. I also have dyslexia, ADHD and depression. I grew up in a small town which I, sadly, still live in. Drug use runs rampant throughout the town (I, myself, don’t do drugs anymore). There’s a colossal amount of racism as well (I’m also not racist). And everyone seems to hate each other.

This led to me slowly isolating myself and growing cynical over the years. I’ve never really had a close relationship with anybody. The only role models I’ve ever had was fictional characters like Dr. House or Temperance “Bones” Brennan. My parents, bluntly speaking, emotionally neglected me. The other kids essentially bullied me.

This finally brings me to the whole reason I’ve decided to write this. The worst of the maltreatment was at the hands of women. Both by my mother and female peers. My mother cheated on my father and manipulated us my entire life. My peers called me names. Like ugly, dumb or weird, to name a few.

I used to support feminism. But now I’m on the fence about it and women in general. I’ve only ever been hurt in relationships with women. So I’ve now become especially cynical towards them. I really wish I didn’t think this way, and I feel stupid for it, but I do. I don’t want to overgeneralize but when I look around me all I can see are affirmations. I also read stories online which makes me believe that women will always treat me disdainfully.

I hate to pester you with my problems but you’re honestly the only person I can think of that can help me at this point. How do I stop thinking and feeling like this? I despise it more than anything.

Sincerely yours,

Conflicted Dyslexic

DEAR CONFUSED DYSLEXIC: First of all, I’m sorry that you’ve had all of this pain in your life, CD. Things have been hard for you and you’ve been hurt immensely. It’s good that you recognize how unreasonable a lot of this is. It doesn’t matter that you feel powerless right now; recognizing that things are wrong and asking for help are significant steps to breaking through and taking control of your life and your mind.

Now, let me give you some wisdom1 that will help you immensely when dealing with a lot of issues around your self-esteem and self-image: Depression lies. Depression lies a lot. It will lie to you about everything and those lies will be believable because you hear them in your own voice. Depression lies to you in ways that you will never detect because it will quite literally changes how you see the world. This isn’t hyperbole: your brain processes information based on what it expects to receive. To illustrate this concept, I want you to check out this video about what’s known as “The McGurk Effect”: https://nrdlv.co/3hpVKWf. As you watch it, notice how you will literally hear something different because of what you expect based on lip movements.

This applies to how you think about things too; once you come to expect a certain behavior or treatment from people – women, for example – you’re going to see it everywhere because your brain filters out evidence to the contrary. This is known as confirmation bias, and we’re all prone to it. We see the things we expect to see and ignore the things that aren’t “relevant” to those expectations. Those affirmations that you’re seeing? You’re seeing them BECAUSE expecting them, and you’re missing the other options. Much like someone who thinks that feminists are man-hating ball-busters who think all sex is rape, they’ll point to Andrea Dworkin’s writing and miss… basically every third-wave and post-third wave feminist writer ever.

So before we get too far into things, you need to consider the distinct possibility that you’re wrong about a lot of things here. Not about how you feel: that’s very real. But the CAUSE of those feelings, on the other hand, are suspect, and that is where we need to start.

So let’s start with the obvious: before you decide that you’re sad and pathetic and the world despises you, you should probably make sure that you’re not, in fact, surrounded by a--holes.

The people in our lives have immense power over us. We are, functionally, the sum of the people we spend the most time with. When you’re surrounding yourself with people who love and support you, who have your back and give you encouragement when you need it, you become stronger, better and happier. When you’re surrounded by toxic a--holes, on the other hand, you can find everything good in your life rots away and leaves you with nothing but filth and shame.

The fact that a--holes get you down doesn’t mean that you’re weak. Rivers will wear down rocks and carve canyons into the earth when given enough time. Torrents of bulls--t and hate will carve grooves into your heart, soul and brain if stay in the deluge. Toxic relationships – both platonic and romantic – will make you think that you’re the problem and not the s--tty people who’re dripping poison in your ear. Not having a “Team You” in your life – those friends and family who’re there for you, who help you and cheer you on – makes you even more vulnerable to the a--holes in the world. And believe me, they love to make you think that you’re the problem. That’s their gift.

But, like depression: they lie. They’ll lie and lie until you believe it and let those lies color everything in your life.

So now it’s time to break free.

There are two things you need right now. The first is that you need to talk to a counselor or therapist, not just a loud-mouth with a dating advice column. You’re in a lot of pain and a therapist – especially one who deals with depression – is going to be the right person to help untangle everything and find you therapies that will help you. Even if there aren’t any in your immediate area, there ARE therapists who will work with you via telemedicine and services like Zoom or Skype. I would strongly suggest starting there and beginning the process of finding the right therapist to help you out. Maybe talk therapy will work for you. Maybe medication will help in combination with other forms of therapy will do the trick. It may take time and experimentation to find the combo that works for you. It will be frustrating. It will be maddening at times. But trust me: it will be worth it when it clicks for you.

It’s also worth noting: your ADHD ties into a LOT of this. One of the underreported aspects of ADHD is how much it exacerbates issues like depression and social anxiety. If you aren’t already getting treatment for that, then I strongly suggest that you bring it up with your therapist. Getting on the right medications can help get your ADHD under control and, quite possibly, take some of the edge off the other issues as well.

The next thing you need to do is get the f--k out of town. Start saving up every penny you can and put it into a “buying a ticket on the ‘F--k This S--t’ Express” fund. If you have friends in other cities, reach out to them. Leverage your social network to find a place to escape to so you can recover and thrive. Maybe they can connect you with a job. Maybe they can find you a couch to crash on while you get your legs back underneath you and establish yourself in your new locale.

And once you’re there: start reaching out and connecting with people. Not everybody needs to be your new best friend, and most of them shouldn’t. But simply building those human connections will remind you that not all people are horrible, not all women are out to hurt you and that Team You is out there. They’re just waiting for you to come find them.

Good luck. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com