DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 26 years old and finally graduated college, now I’m feeling an incredible amount of fear and anxiety about the future. Especially when I wanted 2020 to be a year where I could finally feel satisfied with my life. Obviously a lot has gone wrong this year and it’s even harder to meet people now than before and I feel extremely depressed and start to think I’ll never meet someone even though I know that isn’t true.

So many people have told me for so long that I’ll meet somebody and “It’s going to happen” and other sorts of positive compliments that feel meaningless when it’s been 8 years now and still I’ve never met someone who wants to date me. I’ve had close female friendships that I value dearly, I do know how to talk to women when I feel comfortable with them. It’s just the matter of introducing myself that I struggle with. And I never seem to be able to make it to the next step and I figure all the words of encouragement don’t mean anything really.

In general I have social anxiety and don’t do well in crowded areas with loud noises even if recently I’ve learned to manage it somewhat. I’ve also never had a job in my life, other than a decent amount of volunteer work, which also makes it scary to imagine meeting a lot of new people. I have Asperger’s syndrome and I’m on the autistic spectrum if that clears anything up on why my life seems so empty, though that may be my own negative projection talking.

Lately has been especially rough since I’ve started to feel really isolated from my family and I don’t feel I can really connect with them and I’ve lost two friends that I’ve known for a few years and while it was my decision to end the friendships when they both moved away while I was graduating college, for a variety of reasons, it still hurts a lot that I haven’t seen a friend in person in two or three months.

My family I’ve spent too much time with really, they’re kind of cloying unfortunately and don’t really seem to want me to move on and grow up. More than anything I just want to no longer feel alone, even if that’s a hard thing to quantify. I’ve felt alone for a long time and the quarantine has made it worse, right now is possibly the loneliest I’ve ever felt. I keep telling myself I can make it through it and I intend to I just don’t know how long it will take or what that will look like so right now is an emotional endurance test for me. I just really would appreciate any and all advice you can give me when it feels like I have almost no one in my life to help me right now for emotional support.

Thank You

Trying To Look Forward

DEAR TRYING TO LOOK FORWARD: When it comes to dealing with feelings of loneliness and despair, TTLF, it’s useful to start examining how much of what you’re feeling is of the moment, and how much of it is a matter of projecting into a future or imagining what you think will happen. This seems like a minor thing; what the hell does imagining things have to do with anything when it comes to loneliness? But one of the mistakes that we all make when it comes to our brains is that we trust them to be objective arbiters of reality; that what we see and what we experience is absolutely, perfectly real. That we are experiencing things exactly as they are and that our emotions are understandable responses to those experiences.

Except we’re actually really bad at understanding why we feel the way that we feel. Sometimes it’s a matter of our brains interpreting the sensations that our bodies are feeding it — we feel our pulse racing, our mouths going dry, our palms getting sweaty and adrenaline dumping into our blood stream and we have to decide: which is it? Are we terrified, or are we aroused? Then our brains cast about for an explanation that justifies why we feel that way: is there a tiger in the grass over there? No. Is there an attractive woman standing right there talking to us? Yes? Oh, that explains it: we’re aroused.

Other times, however, we feel the way we do because we’ve been imagining awful scenarios, and our brains are responding accordingly. As it turns out, our brains have a very hard time telling the difference between reality and what we imagine. So we end up reacting to situations that we made up out of whole cloth as though they were real. This is one of the core causes of approach anxiety; we have spent so much time imagining how badly everything is going to go that we have terrified ourselves to the point of paralysis.

In your case, TTLF, you have two separate issues. The first is that yes, you’re legitimately lonely. You’re feeling isolated and adrift, and the current lockdown is only making it worse; now you don’t even see strangers, never mind your friends. The other is that you’ve been spending time imagining a future where nothing ever gets better and that your attempts at meeting people are doomed to go wrong.

Let’s see if we can tackle both of those issues, shall we?

Right now, the actual loneliness and isolation is the larger issue. We as a society are increasingly, desperately lonely.  Men in particular are vulnerable to this; while men and women lose friends at approximately the same pace, men tend to not make friends at the same rate that women do.  Women are taught, implicitly and explicitly, to be more social. They tend to make friends faster, especially with other women, and the way that women conduct their friendships tends to mean that their friendships are deeper and more emotionally intimate. Men, on the other hand, start having a harder time making close friends almost as soon as they hit puberty; they’re taught that emotional intimacy is the same as sexual intimacy and so they’re often reluctant to make friends, especially with other men. Most male friendships are activity based — at least at first — and so it take longer and more repetition to turn an acquaintance into a friend, and then into a good friend.

And the quarantine is only serving to exacerbate that. While under normal circumstances, one could meet up with their friends regularly for drinks or games or what-have-you, COVID-19 means that we’re having to stay home to protect one another. That makes it difficult to make new friends, and just as difficult to try to solidify them.

But difficult isn’t the same as impossible. Nailing Jell-o to a tree is impossible; everything else is merely difficult.

Right now, I would suggest that you start by finding new communities and rebuilding your social circle. The easiest way to start doing this would be to focus on your interests and your passions: what are the things that you love doing and give you joy in life, and how can you enjoy those in a way that help bring you in contact with other people who enjoy them? If, for example, you enjoy gaming, then it may not be a bad idea to start looking into a tabletop gaming group, especially groups that meet regularly. Traditional RPGs like Dungeons and Dragons or Pathfinder are great for this; not only can you play the games remotely via Zoom or apps like Roll20, but taking part in an RPG campaign means that you’re going to be meeting on the regular. You might see if your local comic store or gaming stores have set up forums or services for matching players with campaigns.

Similarly, you might want to look into MeetUp groups that relate to your interests. A number of MeetUp groups have transitioned to online meetings during the pandemic; it may not be the same as seeing people in person, but joining these meetings is a great way of finding people with similar interests and laying the groundwork for building friendships and expanding your social circle. It will take time to transition from “faces you see in the Zoom call” to “friends”, but this will help scratch the itch for socialization and help keep you going while we all white-knuckle our way through the lockdowns.

And while I know you had many reasons for deciding to end things with your friends who moved away after graduation… maybe it’s time to revisit those reasons and see if they’re still valid. If circumstances have changed, or your feelings have evolved since you and your friends split, then maybe it’s a good time to reach out to them and start seeing about rebuilding your friendship with them. It won’t be the same as before, but that can often be a good thing. With distance (literal and metaphorical) and perspective, you may find that the nature of your friendship has changed for the better. It may mean you’ve all learned to be more mindful of the issues that broke you apart.

Now as for the social anxiety and the inability to bring yourself to meet new people, I suggest a two-pronged approach.

The first is that you focus on the story you tell yourself about yourself. One of the most important lessons that we can learn is that we are bigger than our thoughts, bigger than our imaginations. The things we think don’t define us; they’re just thoughts. Noticing your thoughts and labeling them is important. It’s not that your life is empty, you’re having the feeling that your life is empty. It’s not that you can’t make friends, it’s that you feel afraid that you can’t make friends. The same goes with being attractive or unattractive; it’s that you’re having the thought that you’re unattractive.

By that same token, you want to change the way you imagine trying to meet people. Right now, you’re imagining future scenarios — scenarios that haven’t actually happened — where you’re unable to meet people. Your brain is reacting to those imagined situations, rather than the reality. You want to take control of those mental scenarios and train yourself into seeing them go well. Think of it as training or dress rehearsal. Imagine a scenario that you’ve been worried about — meeting people at an event, for example. Picture it as vividly as you can, with as much sensory information as you can manage. Not just the event itself, but leading up to it — how you get there, opening the door and seeing everyone there for the first time. Then, instead of thinking of how intimidating it is, or how nervous you are or how you aren’t going to be able to meet people… imagine it going well. People there are happy to see you! They’re warm and welcoming and interested in getting to know you. Maybe it’s a little awkward at first, but you have the confidence to push through the initial nerves and you can see everyone being happy to have you there.  Imagine the conversations, picture the warm smiles and how much you enjoy yourself and getting to know these people.

Then, after you let this imagined scenario fade… see how you feel. Is it a little less intimidating, a little less daunting? Note and name those feelings. It’s ok if it’s not a huge change; you’ve spent a lot of time imagining worst case scenarios. But by starting to imagine best case scenarios, you start to retrain your brain into feeling that meeting people is less intimidating and scary and more of an exciting and awesome opportunity.

The next prong I would suggest is to talk to a counselor about your social anxiety, especially someone who has experience with autistic patients. They’re going to be in a good position to help you drill down to the causes of your anxiety and help you find ways of addressing them — both in terms of easing the symptoms and also helping you build your confidence and assuredness. If you can’t find someone in your area, you might look into an app like BetterHelp or Talkspace; they can help connect you with a trained counselor.

Your feeling lonely and isolated is real and understandable. But while things are daunting, they’re not impossible. It takes time and effort, but you’ve got the strength and the courage to reach out and make those connections that will help you meet new and amazing people — for friendship, and maybe even something more.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a friend who has recently gotten back with her ex (whom none of her friends/family like). They were with one another for 1.5 years and living together. My friend broke up with her three times! They’ve told me that she wasn’t attached to her and never wanted to have sex with her. My friend has repeatedly lied to this girl about things from being obsessed with her ex to smoking. Nothing seems too big or small to lie about.

They were broken up for a year and recently gotten back together right before quarantine. My friend has every intention of moving forward with this girl even though they have the same issues as before (lack of libido). They are now moving really fast with one another and spend almost every night together. It doesn’t seem they have addressed the issues of their past.

I don’t know what to do now that they are back together. It is awkward and it is hard to take their relationship seriously. Any advice on how to handle this would be great!

Thanks,

At a Loss

DEAR AT A LOSS: There’re few things more frustrating than watching your friend continue to make a series of unforced errors, AAL. It’s like watching someone repeatedly touch the stove, only to get burned every time. You’d think they would have learned after the first time, but they keep trying again, as though sheer repetition and stubbornness will change the fundamental reality of the situation. Even after you tell them that no, the stove is still on and they’re going to get burned again, you see them reaching out one more time.

And therein lies the problem. You can give people the benefit of your insight and your advice, but you can’t live someone else’s life for them.

As frustrating as it may be, you can’t control people. You can smack them around with the Chair Leg of Truth if you want, but the odds are they aren’t going to listen. Motivated reasoning is a hell of a drug; if they’re determined to ignore all the times they’ve broken up before and why, they’re going to do so.

And unfortunately, there’s no argument or no amount of logic that’s going to make them come to their senses. Percy Sledge had it right: when someone’s in love — or at least in infatuation or some other near-as-dammit emotional state — they’re not going to listen. In fact, trying to push the issue is a great way to drive a wedge between you and them. As the man said: they’ll turn their back on their best friend who puts her down.

So I get the frustration. You can’t force them to recognize that this is a bad situation and that the two of them are on track to have the 12″ extended dance remix of their last three breakups — just more intense, a heavier bass and with a faster beat. All you can do is tell them exactly what you told me: that this is a bad situation, that they’re having the exact same problems that they had the first three times and that apparently absolutely nothing has changed. You can even tell them that this is going to end as badly as it did before and that you — and their other friends and family — are getting tired and frustrated watching the two of them do the same dance that they do every time.

But there’s a reason why it’s called “advice” and not “binding arbitration”. You can give them a piece of your mind, but at the end of the day, they’re going to have to decide what they’re going to do with it.

Which means that they can — and likely will — choose to ignore you and make the same mistakes yet again.

Now what you CAN do is refuse to be part of the narrative this time around. You can set boundaries and tell them that you don’t want to hear about this relationship or talk about it. You can say “I am willing to hang out with you and spend time with you, but I don’t want to discuss this relationship or have any sort of relationship with your girlfriend”. You can even say “Look, when you break up with them, I will be willing to help you figure out what you need to do so the two of you can move on and you don’t repeat this mess, but I don’t like her and I think this is a bad idea.”

But at the end of the day… your friend’s gonna do what they’re gonna do, and you can’t really stop them.

Lay down some boundaries, tell them exactly where your support stops and stick to it. And then hopefully either your friend and their partner will actually address their issues and fix things this time around… or they’ll break up (again) and hopefully this time things will actually stick.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been seeing this guy since last October. We spend almost every day together, he came to Christmas with my family, and we recently crossed the “I love you” bridge. For some reason, he’s not wanting to commit. We basically are in a relationship right now, but the idea of putting a label on it makes him uncomfortable. He says that he’s just not ready to take that step, but it confuses me because it literally wouldn’t change anything except for how we introduce each other. I still have to say “This is my friend _______” when I bring him around new people.

All of my friends are telling me that I need to tell him to man up and acknowledge that we’re dating, but I’m not sure how that would go. He’s kind of like a little wild animal. If you move too fast, he gets skittish. I also think he’s got a case of FOMO. The idea of being exclusive, even though we pretty much are due to how much time we spend together, makes him nervous. Please, I’d really like some outside perspective. I’m head over heels for him and he’s wonderful to me. I just want to know if I’m overlooking something or deluding myself.

-Caught in Limbo

DEAR CAUGHT IN LIMBO: Have you asked him why he’s uncomfortable with having the Defining The Relationship talk, CiL? You say it’s a case of FOMO, but has he expressed in words, that he’s got this nagging fear surrounding exclusivity? Or is it something you’re just assuming because it seems to fit?

The best thing you can do is have a sit-down with him – making it clear that you’re not pressuring him into anything or that he needs to decide things now – and walk through what it is he thinks a label would do to your relationship vs. what you see happening.

It may be that he’s worried that making your relationship Facebook official (or what-have-you) will lead to pressure to kick it to the next level after that and he’ll need to start shopping for a ring. Or maybe you’re right and he sees keeping things label-free as a way of having the “option” of playing the field, even if he has no intention of doing so. Some people feel as though they need to have the possibility available to them as a “just in case”, like a dry drunk keeping a bottle of vodka in the freezer. If that’s the case… well, you’re going to have to decide whether you’re ok with his feeling like he needs to be able to keep one foot out the door as an emotional safety blanket.

(I don’t think I’d be cool with that personally… but I’ve also made the “500 Days of Summer” mistake of not listening when a woman I was seeing told me that she didn’t want a boyfriend.)

As it is, the only  way to know is if the two of you sit down and hash out exactly what the issue is.

And who knows. Maybe he really is like the dating equivalent of a deer and a loud noise about being boyfriend and girlfriend will send him fleeing to the hills. If that’s the case, then you are going to have to decide about how you feel about labels. Are you willing to sit there, patiently, until he feels comfortable enough to step into it himself? Or is this going to be a dealbreaker?

I can’t answer that one for you. It’s going to have to be up to you CiL.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First off, thank you for your column; I really enjoy it. Long time reader and you’re the only dating adviser I’ve come across that I agree with 100%.

I am currently in a long term relationship with a great girl. She has many guy friends whom I’ve met. She shares just about everything with me. She and I both were in long marriages that ended up being nasty divorces. I have repaired my relationship with my son’s mother, but it took a lot of work on both of us to get there. My girlfriend envies that and hopes one day she can have the same with her children’s father. Unfortunately, he is a narcissist with a lot of money, and I don’t see it happening. Otherwise, I support her and listen to her in every situation, don’t offer a way to fix, unless she asks me what I thought about it.

Back to the original question. She met a guy 4 years ago, 2 dates, no connection. Decided better off friends. Didn’t even kiss. Said she considered him a best friend, since he was there for her through the nasty divorce. He knows about me and our relationship. He began texting her a lot. Even calling on some mornings at 6:30 AM while I am having an adult sleepover at her house. She assured me that it’s nothing. She says she asked him to chill out. To me, I think it’s disrespectful to her and to our relationship for him to contact her while we are together. Fast forward, he had recently dated a friend of mine and was mean to her. I told my GF and she confronted him and he denied even knowing the girl. I showed the proof from my friend. He still denied. Two weeks later, he finally came clean. This really ticked my GF off. And she said she was going to be more cautious with her friendship with him.

I haven’t heard much about him after that. Then this past weekend, I was pairing her phone with her new vehicle at her request. While doing so he was texting her, and my curious self decided to look and they had been texting all weekend. Nothing flirty or anything, just conversing. But it seemed like it was times that I had stepped away, as we were together all weekend. Kind of like trying to keep me from knowing (in my mind at least) This made me sick to my stomach. She said I was reading too much into it. If you meet him you would see he’s not that bad of a friend. He was my best friend for over 4 years etc.

I, of course am ok and have met many of her guy friends. Not this one. And I would probably be ok if she would have alerted me that she has reconciled the friendship. I spoke with many of my female friends, and they also think it’s disrespectful to me, her, and our relationship, but that’s all on her to handle.

My problem is I don’t handle people that lie well, especially people that are given an opportunity to come clean, and especially when it’s done to someone I care about.

To me it looks like she is hiding this from me at the cost of not hurting my feelings. He’s asked her out for drinks. She didn’t respond. But she has told me she does miss hanging out with him, but is very cautious of the friendship, and if she wants to go out and have drinks with a guy friend, she should be able to.

I know this has triggered some of my past insecurities. And i of course do not want to ruin this relationship.

What are your thoughts, or advice

Out Of Line?

DEAR OUT OF LINE: Before I get too into this, OOL: dude sounds a little sketchy. I don’t think he’s trying to be Mr. Steal Yo Girl, but he doesn’t seem like the greatest of  dudes either – what with the treating your friend like s

t and lying about it and all. So I don’t blame you about not being cool with the guy.

At the same time however: you do have to trust your girlfriend to manage her own affairs and handle her own friendships. Yeah, it’s a little uncool that she didn’t give you the heads up that she’s rekindling a friendship with him, it ultimately is her business. You’re her boyfriend, not her agent or manager; she doesn’t have to run everything she does through you first. Relationships aren’t depositions; she doesn’t need to tell you every single thing that goes on, especially if it could end up causing unnecessary drama. Keeping it on the down-low in order to avoid a fight that, ultimately, is unnecessary isn’t that big of a crime.

Look at the big picture here: she’s keeping pretty solid boundaries with this guy. She’s called him out when he’s stepped over the line, she’s taking things with care and she’s not going behind your back to hang out with him. That, I think, is the bigger takeaway here. She has a right to friends of her choice. And if this guy where toxic or actively trying to f

k her – instead of just being kind of a dick  – then you’d be in a better position to draw a line. Right now though? I think you’re creating problems where they don’t need to exist. I think you need to trust your girlfriend’s judgement and ability to maintain boundaries around him. Making a fuss over things is far more likely to cause problems than fix them.

Plus: if he’s as much of a dick as he sounds? That friendship’ll self-destruct on it’s own.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com