DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a friend who has recently gotten back with her ex (whom none of her friends/family like). They were with one another for 1.5 years and living together. My friend broke up with her three times! They’ve told me that she wasn’t attached to her and never wanted to have sex with her. My friend has repeatedly lied to this girl about things from being obsessed with her ex to smoking. Nothing seems too big or small to lie about.

They were broken up for a year and recently gotten back together right before quarantine. My friend has every intention of moving forward with this girl even though they have the same issues as before (lack of libido). They are now moving really fast with one another and spend almost every night together. It doesn’t seem they have addressed the issues of their past.

I don’t know what to do now that they are back together. It is awkward and it is hard to take their relationship seriously. Any advice on how to handle this would be great!

Thanks,

At a Loss

DEAR AT A LOSS: There’re few things more frustrating than watching your friend continue to make a series of unforced errors, AAL. It’s like watching someone repeatedly touch the stove, only to get burned every time. You’d think they would have learned after the first time, but they keep trying again, as though sheer repetition and stubbornness will change the fundamental reality of the situation. Even after you tell them that no, the stove is still on and they’re going to get burned again, you see them reaching out one more time.

And therein lies the problem. You can give people the benefit of your insight and your advice, but you can’t live someone else’s life for them.

As frustrating as it may be, you can’t control people. You can smack them around with the Chair Leg of Truth if you want, but the odds are they aren’t going to listen. Motivated reasoning is a hell of a drug; if they’re determined to ignore all the times they’ve broken up before and why, they’re going to do so.

And unfortunately, there’s no argument or no amount of logic that’s going to make them come to their senses. Percy Sledge had it right: when someone’s in love — or at least in infatuation or some other near-as-dammit emotional state — they’re not going to listen. In fact, trying to push the issue is a great way to drive a wedge between you and them. As the man said: they’ll turn their back on their best friend who puts her down.

So I get the frustration. You can’t force them to recognize that this is a bad situation and that the two of them are on track to have the 12″ extended dance remix of their last three breakups — just more intense, a heavier bass and with a faster beat. All you can do is tell them exactly what you told me: that this is a bad situation, that they’re having the exact same problems that they had the first three times and that apparently absolutely nothing has changed. You can even tell them that this is going to end as badly as it did before and that you — and their other friends and family — are getting tired and frustrated watching the two of them do the same dance that they do every time.

But there’s a reason why it’s called “advice” and not “binding arbitration”. You can give them a piece of your mind, but at the end of the day, they’re going to have to decide what they’re going to do with it.

Which means that they can — and likely will — choose to ignore you and make the same mistakes yet again.

Now what you CAN do is refuse to be part of the narrative this time around. You can set boundaries and tell them that you don’t want to hear about this relationship or talk about it. You can say “I am willing to hang out with you and spend time with you, but I don’t want to discuss this relationship or have any sort of relationship with your girlfriend”. You can even say “Look, when you break up with them, I will be willing to help you figure out what you need to do so the two of you can move on and you don’t repeat this mess, but I don’t like her and I think this is a bad idea.”

But at the end of the day… your friend’s gonna do what they’re gonna do, and you can’t really stop them.

Lay down some boundaries, tell them exactly where your support stops and stick to it. And then hopefully either your friend and their partner will actually address their issues and fix things this time around… or they’ll break up (again) and hopefully this time things will actually stick.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been seeing this guy since last October. We spend almost every day together, he came to Christmas with my family, and we recently crossed the “I love you” bridge. For some reason, he’s not wanting to commit. We basically are in a relationship right now, but the idea of putting a label on it makes him uncomfortable. He says that he’s just not ready to take that step, but it confuses me because it literally wouldn’t change anything except for how we introduce each other. I still have to say “This is my friend _______” when I bring him around new people.

All of my friends are telling me that I need to tell him to man up and acknowledge that we’re dating, but I’m not sure how that would go. He’s kind of like a little wild animal. If you move too fast, he gets skittish. I also think he’s got a case of FOMO. The idea of being exclusive, even though we pretty much are due to how much time we spend together, makes him nervous. Please, I’d really like some outside perspective. I’m head over heels for him and he’s wonderful to me. I just want to know if I’m overlooking something or deluding myself.

-Caught in Limbo

DEAR CAUGHT IN LIMBO: Have you asked him why he’s uncomfortable with having the Defining The Relationship talk, CiL? You say it’s a case of FOMO, but has he expressed in words, that he’s got this nagging fear surrounding exclusivity? Or is it something you’re just assuming because it seems to fit?

The best thing you can do is have a sit-down with him – making it clear that you’re not pressuring him into anything or that he needs to decide things now – and walk through what it is he thinks a label would do to your relationship vs. what you see happening.

It may be that he’s worried that making your relationship Facebook official (or what-have-you) will lead to pressure to kick it to the next level after that and he’ll need to start shopping for a ring. Or maybe you’re right and he sees keeping things label-free as a way of having the “option” of playing the field, even if he has no intention of doing so. Some people feel as though they need to have the possibility available to them as a “just in case”, like a dry drunk keeping a bottle of vodka in the freezer. If that’s the case… well, you’re going to have to decide whether you’re ok with his feeling like he needs to be able to keep one foot out the door as an emotional safety blanket.

(I don’t think I’d be cool with that personally… but I’ve also made the “500 Days of Summer” mistake of not listening when a woman I was seeing told me that she didn’t want a boyfriend.)

As it is, the only  way to know is if the two of you sit down and hash out exactly what the issue is.

And who knows. Maybe he really is like the dating equivalent of a deer and a loud noise about being boyfriend and girlfriend will send him fleeing to the hills. If that’s the case, then you are going to have to decide about how you feel about labels. Are you willing to sit there, patiently, until he feels comfortable enough to step into it himself? Or is this going to be a dealbreaker?

I can’t answer that one for you. It’s going to have to be up to you CiL.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First off, thank you for your column; I really enjoy it. Long time reader and you’re the only dating adviser I’ve come across that I agree with 100%.

I am currently in a long term relationship with a great girl. She has many guy friends whom I’ve met. She shares just about everything with me. She and I both were in long marriages that ended up being nasty divorces. I have repaired my relationship with my son’s mother, but it took a lot of work on both of us to get there. My girlfriend envies that and hopes one day she can have the same with her children’s father. Unfortunately, he is a narcissist with a lot of money, and I don’t see it happening. Otherwise, I support her and listen to her in every situation, don’t offer a way to fix, unless she asks me what I thought about it.

Back to the original question. She met a guy 4 years ago, 2 dates, no connection. Decided better off friends. Didn’t even kiss. Said she considered him a best friend, since he was there for her through the nasty divorce. He knows about me and our relationship. He began texting her a lot. Even calling on some mornings at 6:30 AM while I am having an adult sleepover at her house. She assured me that it’s nothing. She says she asked him to chill out. To me, I think it’s disrespectful to her and to our relationship for him to contact her while we are together. Fast forward, he had recently dated a friend of mine and was mean to her. I told my GF and she confronted him and he denied even knowing the girl. I showed the proof from my friend. He still denied. Two weeks later, he finally came clean. This really ticked my GF off. And she said she was going to be more cautious with her friendship with him.

I haven’t heard much about him after that. Then this past weekend, I was pairing her phone with her new vehicle at her request. While doing so he was texting her, and my curious self decided to look and they had been texting all weekend. Nothing flirty or anything, just conversing. But it seemed like it was times that I had stepped away, as we were together all weekend. Kind of like trying to keep me from knowing (in my mind at least) This made me sick to my stomach. She said I was reading too much into it. If you meet him you would see he’s not that bad of a friend. He was my best friend for over 4 years etc.

I, of course am ok and have met many of her guy friends. Not this one. And I would probably be ok if she would have alerted me that she has reconciled the friendship. I spoke with many of my female friends, and they also think it’s disrespectful to me, her, and our relationship, but that’s all on her to handle.

My problem is I don’t handle people that lie well, especially people that are given an opportunity to come clean, and especially when it’s done to someone I care about.

To me it looks like she is hiding this from me at the cost of not hurting my feelings. He’s asked her out for drinks. She didn’t respond. But she has told me she does miss hanging out with him, but is very cautious of the friendship, and if she wants to go out and have drinks with a guy friend, she should be able to.

I know this has triggered some of my past insecurities. And i of course do not want to ruin this relationship.

What are your thoughts, or advice

Out Of Line?

DEAR OUT OF LINE: Before I get too into this, OOL: dude sounds a little sketchy. I don’t think he’s trying to be Mr. Steal Yo Girl, but he doesn’t seem like the greatest of  dudes either – what with the treating your friend like s

t and lying about it and all. So I don’t blame you about not being cool with the guy.

At the same time however: you do have to trust your girlfriend to manage her own affairs and handle her own friendships. Yeah, it’s a little uncool that she didn’t give you the heads up that she’s rekindling a friendship with him, it ultimately is her business. You’re her boyfriend, not her agent or manager; she doesn’t have to run everything she does through you first. Relationships aren’t depositions; she doesn’t need to tell you every single thing that goes on, especially if it could end up causing unnecessary drama. Keeping it on the down-low in order to avoid a fight that, ultimately, is unnecessary isn’t that big of a crime.

Look at the big picture here: she’s keeping pretty solid boundaries with this guy. She’s called him out when he’s stepped over the line, she’s taking things with care and she’s not going behind your back to hang out with him. That, I think, is the bigger takeaway here. She has a right to friends of her choice. And if this guy where toxic or actively trying to f

k her – instead of just being kind of a dick  – then you’d be in a better position to draw a line. Right now though? I think you’re creating problems where they don’t need to exist. I think you need to trust your girlfriend’s judgement and ability to maintain boundaries around him. Making a fuss over things is far more likely to cause problems than fix them.

Plus: if he’s as much of a dick as he sounds? That friendship’ll self-destruct on it’s own.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 21 year old guy from the UK and I’ve been reading your site for about a year and a half. During that time I’m happy to say I’ve made some great improvements to my life; I’ve become conscious about my diet and started working out with a friend, have been building my confidence and have started dressing much better than ever. Unfortunately, I’ve hit a wall with women because I’m not comfortable talking about sexual subjects. At all. With anyone. I even find it difficult to talk about hot celebrities with my guy friends, that’s how bad we’re talking. I should be specific here and point out that I’m not (to the best of my knowledge) insecure about my sexuality. I used to be but after reading up and becoming more educated I’ve grown comfortable and believe, as far as mentality goes, I’m secure in my sexuality, I don’t find myself worried about any thoughts or fantasies I have and hearing other people talk about sex doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable, it’s strictly me voicing opinions and thoughts that I struggle with.

For some context I was generally a loner when I grew up, I’m an introvert so I’ve always been the most comfortable in my own imagination. In primary school I only really had about three friends and my best friend had autism (I don’t hold that against him, he’s a great guy) so it wasn’t really much of a talkative social group to grow up in. At high school I had it pretty rough, I was bullied a great deal by a great many people, both the usual variety, and stuff like girls fake flirting/touching me because they knew it would make me uncomfortable. I should also point out I was a late bloomer puberty wise, I only really started getting interested in girls when I was 14, and most of my friends started at around 12, so I was mostly alone in the dark when they started talking about the girls in class. I eventually fell in with a new group of friends after a few years but by then I already had a pretty toxic personality, I’d decided that crushing any thoughts or feelings I had was better for me given how I’d been treated. I used to hate seeing other guys stress or worry about impressing girls and thought I was superior for rising above that and being alone, even when I had a fairly well known crush on one of the girls in class.

Needless to say this resulted in me never really getting comfortable talking about sex or girls, and now even though I’m making real progress with other aspects of my life this hang up is a real problem. It is impossible for me to flirt or even give a compliment to a girl, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve considered online dating but I think this will just cut out the approaching angle and leave me unable to flirt or be sexual on a date, after all how am I supposed to be flirtatious with a girl when I feel awkward telling my friends how hot Emilia Clarke is?

So, any advice to help me build my comfort and ease myself into talking about sex? I’d appreciate any help or advice you had.

Thanks,

Talking Bad

DEAR TALKING BAD: Let me ask you something, TB: what, specifically is it about sex that causes the hang-up? Is it that you feel like one of the a

holes who bullied you or the showboaters who were bulls

tting about the sex they clearly weren’t having? Is it a case of you don’t feel like you have the vocabulary to talk about it? Are you worried about being judged on the opinions you have? Maybe it’s a case of worrying that you’ll come across like Steve Carell in The Forty Year Old Virgin? Or do you not feel like you have the right to express those feelings after you spent so much time trying to pretend you didn’t have them?

If your guy friends are, say, talking about hot celebrities, do you just clam up because you don’t know what to say? Or is there more of an anxiety-response; you feel your throat close and your heart start racing while everybody else is talking about so-and-so’s boobs? Are you able to say “no, you’re right, she is hot?” Or do you just try to avoid the topic altogether? If it’s a really deep-seated issue, then you might want to talk to a therapist in your area. A sex-positive therapist can help you work through feelings of worthlessness or drill down to the source better than I can – after all, Doctor NerdLove is not a real doctor.

It may help, when you’re among your friends, to make small advances and contributions to the conversation. You don’t have to go into why you think Emilia Clarke is sex on toast, but just a “yeah, she’s hot” or “Nah, I really like Kat Dennings” or something might be enough to ease you in. You don’t need details, you don’t need to justify things; something as simple as “Yeah, I think she’s cute” or “She looked great in X” can be enough to help you feel like it’s at least possible.

Or it could just be that you’re the sort of person who’s not comfortable talking about sex in general and that’s just part of who you are. If that’s the case, you may be better to just accept it and roll with it. You don’t have to be going verbally gaga over a great pair of norks to fit in.

At the same time: I think you’re overestimating how much flirting needs to be sexual. While yes, some flirting can be hot and heavy, you can talk with attractive women, even signal your interest without having to be explicitly sexual about it. If you watch, say, The Flash, you can see an example of guys flirting – even getting girlfriends – without so much as talking about sex or breaking Standards and Practices. And even if you’re a little awkward when it comes to, say, going for the kiss or asking if she wants to take it further… well, a lot of women actually find that endearing. There’s a reason the term “adorkable” exists after all.

I think a lot of this may simply be a matter of becoming comfortable with the idea of being a sexual person and having a right to those feelings and desires. I think the more you get distance between you and the person you used to be – and you have to let that be your past, not the ghost that keeps haunting you – the more at ease you’ll feel. You may never be the Voltaire of dirty talk… but you don’t need to be, either.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com