DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a straight man in my mid-twenties who had had absolutely zero dating experience until relatively recently. In part thanks to inspiration from your blog, I started working towards self-improvement and tried putting myself out there more, and I finally began to get a few dates. Eventually, I had my first (and so far only) sexual experience involving another person, which ended badly. I brought a woman back to my place after a second date, and she said yes to sex (I had never done more than make out). I started going down on her, which she seemed to enjoy, but I threw up on her. Quite understandably, she asked me to stop and drive her home. I sent her a text the next day apologizing again for what had happened, but unsurprisingly I never heard from her again.

This incident was a stumbling block in the path of the confidence and momentum I’d been building up, and I haven’t been able to get a date since. Given that I only have this one experience to draw from, I have no idea whether this was a one-time reaction or something likely to recur. On the one hand, it’s possible I simply ate something that didn’t agree with me (I don’t think alcohol is the culprit, by the way, as I’d only had a single drink with dinner). On the other hand, this could easily be something that happens again. I am a picky eater who sometimes gets nauseous from food with off-putting tastes, smells, or textures, so that could be the reason. Her vulva smelled pretty bad to me, and I kept getting pubes stuck on my tongue. Since I have nothing to compare it to, however, I have no idea whether most women would be similar or if I was simply dealing with a case of unusually bad hygiene.

Also, I feel bad saying this, another possible factor is that she was… I wouldn’t say unattractive, but approaching the limit of what I would find physically attractive. She was a nice person, and I try to keep an open mind and not have too high standards for physical appearance, just as I would hope others would do for me. Still, I wonder whether I would have had the same reaction if it were with someone I were more strongly attracted to. Finally, a contributing factor was probably the fact that I was nervous. It was my first time getting naked with someone else, and I had thought I was about to lose my virginity. The irony is not lost on me that if nerves were playing a major role, then that makes me nervous it could happen again, which in turn makes it more likely.

I’m at a loss for how to approach this the next time I find myself about to get sexual with a woman. Presumably, saying “I’ve only done this once before and I puked on her” would send most people running for the hills. However, it also feels unfair to a potential partner to not warn her that I’m concerned that I could vomit on her, since I don’t know which of the aforementioned factors were involved and which ones could arise again. I feel really bad for the last woman and wouldn’t want to put someone else through that. How should I handle this going forward?

Weak Stomach

DEAR WEAK STOMACH: There’s a lot to unpack here, WS but I’m thinking maybe we just toss out the suitcase entirely. But before we get to the part that’s going to lead to a LOT of discussion in the comments section, let’s talk about what happened, first.

I’m sorry your attempt at a first time went catastrophically badly. If it helps, you’re not the only person who’s thrown up during sex. In fact, puking during the act — including during oral sex — is common enough that a quick Google search brings up more “It Happened To Me” essays, forum posts and Reddit comments than I care to think about.

(I don’t recommend actually doing more than a cursory search, by the way. You will see things that will make you wish you could take a melon baller to the portion of your brain that retains such information.)

There’re a lot of reasons why this could’ve happened. The most obvious is nerves; you would hardly be the first person who was so keyed up about the possibility of losing their virginity that you got a queasy stomach and did the technicolor yawn at the worst possible moment. Alcohol probably wouldn’t have helped either. Even if you had only one drink, if you were already on the nauseous side, that could tip things from “ok, unpleasant but I can work through it” to “ooooh that’s not good” when you least expect it.

And then there’s the fact that you have texture and sensory issues when it comes to food. That might also cause problems, especially when combined with other factors.

Now somebody call Sir Mix-A-Lot because there’s a huge “but” coming.

BUT.

You bring up issues regarding the way her vulva smelled and issues with pubic hair… and honestly, I don’t think you realize the size of the rake you’re stepping on here. While I don’t think you intended this, “Wow, vaginas smell BAD” is an old, offensive and honestly sexist trope and joke that’s been around for decades. It’s been fodder for hacky “jokes” that are about as welcome and funny as Andrew Dice Clay’s “dirty nursery rhymes” material. People have been stigmatizing and literally pathologizing women being “not so fresh” since the ’30s, when women were told to use Lysol as a douche for “feminine hygiene”.

No, for real. They used to run ads about it in actual magazines.

Even now, you get dudes — and it’s almost always dudes — who are performatively disgusted or repulsed by the smell of a woman’s vulva. That Google search I mentioned earlier is rife with grown-ass men making comments about “coochie stank”, and they’re about as mature as you would expect.

Now, while it’s possible that there was an actual medical issue that was causing an unusual odor, or she wasn’t rigorous about cleanliness, the odds are much greater that the problem is… well, that this was the first time you’d ever gone down on someone.

The fact of the matter is that bodies have smells and scents; that doesn’t mean that they’re automatically foul or awful. If it’s your first time going down on somebody, then it can be unusual or unexpected. It’s part of the learning curve, something that you get used to as part of the package. Sex is, after all, a full-contact sport that involves a host of body parts, secretions, fluids and scents. That’s part of what’s going to happen. And it’s not just vulvas that have an odor. Balls are gonna have their own smell, especially if it’s been warm and they’ve been sweating. Uncircumcised penises, likewise, tend to have their own scent; having foreskin increases odds of odor-producing bacteria. You learn to roll with it and — as many folks do — learn to appreciate it as part of the smell of sex.

Yes, it may sound weird or off-putting to describe body odors as something you get used to or even “an acquired taste”, but it’s honestly not different from other unusual scents or flavors. Most folks don’t like the taste of beer or alcohol the first time they encounter it. The smell of certain flowers, shellfish, food or fruit can seem weird when you’ve never encountered it before… but it quickly becomes something that people are used to or even enjoy.

Similarly, minor inconveniences happen during sex as well, because real sex doesn’t look like porn. Someone farts at an inappropriate moment. Somebody drops the lube and now the bed is a slip-and-slide. Limbs cramp up, somebody leans on someone else’s hair, one person moves into a position that ends up being incredibly uncomfortable… and yes, performing oral sex on someone — regardless of genitals — means that occasionally you’re going to get a pubic hair going astray. Part of being a good lover is learning how to roll with the little things without freaking out or letting it interrupt the proceedings. Anyone who’s gone down on someone with public hair has dealt with getting a loose hair in the wrong spot. The typical response is to pause for a second to spit it out or wipe it away before diving back in. Unless it’s actually hitting the soft palate or the back of your throat and making you gag, this takes less time to perform than it does to type it out.

Then there’s this part:

“Also, I feel bad saying this, another possible factor is that she was… I wouldn’t say unattractive, but approaching the limit of what I would find physically attractive.”

Part of what often gets people over the hump (as it were) of novel or unexpected issues during sex — especially the first time you do something — is that you’re turned on as hell by the act(s) and the person you’re doing them with. It sounds to me that, on top of nerves, alcohol and sensory issues, you weren’t actually attracted to the person you were hooking up with. The way you hedge your description makes me think you’re being a little generous; it sounds a lot like you really weren’t attracted to her and going along with it because, well, it meant you had a chance to hook up. If you were already having questions as to whether you actually wanted to go through with this with her specifically… well, that’s going to make it that much harder to push past other issues or be able to laugh off the slings and arrows that flesh is heir to during sex.

All of which leads me to “So… what do I do next time?”

First of all: you don’t need to tell people “hey, just FYI, sex makes me puke,” nor do you need to say “Yeah, I only kinda did this once and also I vomited all over the vagoo”. It’s understandable that you’re worried about it — you had a profoundly embarrassing and somewhat traumatic experience — but you don’t have reason to believe that this was anything other than a perfect storm of bad luck. Leading with “hey, I puke during sex” not only is going to chase away everyone except fans of Roman showers but also sets up a self-fulfilling prophecy. You’ll be so wound up and worried that you’ll give yourself a nervous stomach.

Instead, it’s better to simply acknowledge two things: this is your first time and you’re nervous. Neither of these are things to be ashamed of; in fact, many women will find it charming. The fact that you can be candid about being a bundle of nerves is more likely to make you seem adorable, and any partner worth sleeping with will want to help ease you into things. If she knows that you’re so keyed up that you’re about to vibrate straight into the Speed Force, she’ll know to take things easy with you.

Which actually brings us to the second tip: Slow your roll. Part of what will help you avoid the mistakes of your previous experience is to go at a pace you’re comfortable with. Trying to round the bases (as it were) all at once and fit all of the sexual experiences you haven’t had into one encounter is a recipe for a less-than-satisfying first time. Trying to do everything at once means you don’t have the opportunity to give any of it the attention it deserves. The first time you go down on someone — or have someone go down on you — for example, doesn’t need to be the same time you have penetrative sex for the first time. Instead, by taking things slowly and in stages, you’re in a better position to get to know yourself and your partner. You’re better able to appreciate all the sensations and give attention to both performing and receiving.

Not to mention, if you’re taking things slow, you have more of an opportunity to press pause on the proceedings if you are having a bit of a rumbly in the tumbly. When you don’t feel like “the deed must be done NOW, it must be done TONIGHT or else NEVER AGAIN”, then it’s easy to say “hey, I need a minute,” and getting a glass of water or taking a second to breathe without feeling like your window of opportunity is closing forever.

Plus, by not treating any one encounter as a make-or-break moment, you’re removing the pressure to perform. Instead of having to do everything right, you’re able to just be in the moment. You and your partner can take your time and just enjoy rolling around with someone you’re into, without the pressure of having to make it this epic, historic thing.

Which, incidentally, leads me to tip number three: don’t “settle”.

While I’m not a believer that somebody’s first time has to be “special” or “mean something”, I do believe that if you’re going to lose your virginity, it should be with someone you want to sleep with. By putting the emphasis on the act instead of the person, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. This doesn’t mean that it needs to be someone you love or someone important to you, but just someone you actually, actively want to bang. F

king someone just to lose your virginity and they’re the least objectionable option isn’t going to be a tragedy of epic proportions… but it ain’t gonna be that good either. If you’re gonna do it, it should be with someone worth doing.

And like I said: when you’re into somebody and they’re into you, it’s much easier to get past all the minor things. The desire to be with them, specifically, makes up for a lot of inconveniences. Not only are you going to be more focused on them, but you’ll be motivated to push past the little wibbles and wobbles because hey, it’s THEM and you’re not going to let yourself be distracted.

It absolutely sucks that you had this awful first experience. But that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to nausea every time the pants come off. Take things slow, be in the moment and be with someone you want to be with. You’ll be ok. I promise.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This is the author to the “Momma Drama” letter from a couple of years ago, and I want to start by thanking you for your response to my first post. But, here we are, two years down the line, and I have another question about the same woman: namely, should I get back in touch with my ex, S?

A few weeks after I sent my last letter, S broke up with me because she realized she wasn’t ready for a new relationship – I told her that I understood and we broke up on good terms. Soon afterwards, however, things started going downhill. S would regularly come into the bar while I was working, pull me aside, make out with me, and ask me to text her about getting drinks. We continued to text regularly, but every time I inquired about meeting up, she would ghost me. This continued for months, and eventually I tried to confront her about the making out, the ghosting, and clarifying what she wanted our relationship to be because she was sending such mixed messages. She ignored my concerns, and never gave me the opportunity to have an honest discussion.

I tried not contacting her for stretches, but eventually, she would come into the bar, stick her tongue down my throat, and ask to grab drinks again. A few months after we’d broken up, she even introduced me to her son while I was working, and between this and the persistent kissing, I hoped this meant she wanted to start dating again. Still, she never responded to my requests. The fact that she would regularly socialize where I worked without making time for us to meet up really hurt – I understood that between her job and her son, she was very busy, but she was a regular fixture at the bar even when I wasn’t working and clearly could’ve made time for me if she would’ve liked. Needless to say, I was still crazy about her and the whole situation was very confusing for me, but my attempts at clarification were consistently ignored – I didn’t know what to do.

Eventually, I got a new job, so the next time S came in, we made out, and I told her that I wouldn’t be working full-time at the bar anymore. I asked if we could talk about dating again, when she was ready – she said okay, and I told her that I’ll reach out. When I did, she never responded, and that was the last time I saw her for months. I started my new job, and we would intermittently text, usually with her reaching out to me. I heard she was still coming into the bar, but I was working there only one day a week, so I didn’t see her, and I gave up on trying to meet up. After a while, I started dating someone else, D, and S stopped texting altogether, so I thought this period of my life was over.

Then, later that year, I was at another bar, and S came in with a guy. I ignored her, but on their way out, she grabbed me and told me they were on the way to the bar where I worked. I’d had a few drinks, and was upset with how she had treated me, so I followed them to the bar. I pulled S aside and told her how much she had hurt me and that I didn’t want her coming into the bar again. She said that she was willing to get beers to talk about it, and went back to her friend. The next day, I reached out to apologize to being so angry and confronting her as I did, but said I really was hurt by her behavior and would like the opportunity to talk things over. I never heard back.

S started intermittently coming into the bar while I was working, and I felt trapped. I had blocked her on social media and stopped texting her, but when she came into where I worked, there was nothing I could do. I asked her to talk in private to reiterate that I didn’t want her there when I was working – her response was always “are you mad at me?” I just wanted her to leave me alone and she would not, so I grew increasingly frustrated.

A few months later, D and I broke up amicably, and S came into the bar again. I went to confront her, but she hugged me, and all the old attractions came rushing back. We caught up and were friendly, so I reached out later to grab a drink. We scheduled drinks, but she flaked and again started ghosting me. A while later, I texted her saying that if she didn’t want to meet up, she could’ve at least been upfront about that. She replied saying she thought we were cool, and I responded that no, we weren’t cool, because she had ignored all of my requests to meet up and to stay out of the bar. She said that if I need to say something, we could get coffee.

I was very nervous for coffee, both because I was embarrassed for my texting tirade and because I was hoping that coffee might lead to something more. I explained to S that I was upset about her leading me on, ghosting me, and ignoring my requests to stay out of the bar. She made a half-hearted apology, before asking if it was okay for her to come to the bar again. I tried to show her that I wasn’t comfortable with it, but when she pushed, I said it was fine, because I was trying to move past the situation. After that, we caught up, hugged, and she agreed that she would like to get drinks.

My next shift, she came into the bar with some friends, but we didn’t interact. The next day, I texted her to get drinks, and got no response. A few days later, I tried again. Again, no response. This upset me because I had made it clear that I didn’t want her in the bar if she was going to ghost me, so before my next shift, I told her to never talk to me or come into the bar while I was working again. She responded quickly, asking why I was doing this. I did not respond for a week and a half, when I apologized for the drama, confessed that I still really liked her, and said that I was really hurt that she was ghosting me again. These were long-winded texts, and I never got a response, but she did stop coming into the bar and I haven’t heard from her since, which was eight or nine months ago. Not seeing her has really helped me heal from this relationship, and while I’m embarrassed that I had to scare her away with crazy, I’m grateful that she has finally given me the space I needed to let go.

At this point, I am thinking about reaching out to S and apologizing. I’ve had significant developments in my life that have put me in a much better mental space, so I believe that there is little risk of me being hurt by her again. First, I am no longer working at the bar. It closed for quarantine and I do not plan on returning when it reopens. Additionally, I’ve learned a lot about relationships in the past couple of years and I know that I made a lot of mistakes dealing with S. Finally, I found out that a medication I have been taking for years has side effects of anxiety and depression. I have stopped taking this medication, and the results have been extraordinary – I feel so much more positive and mentally healthy. Overall, I am in a much better place and am ready to move past this chapter in my life.

For these reasons, I am ready to apologize to S for my idiotic behavior and clear things up. Obviously, she was not ready to date anyone while we were together, and I should have let my pain go instead of holding onto it. I also should’ve maintained stronger boundaries after we broke up and clarified that making out was off the table if we weren’t going to have an honest discussion about where we were emotionally. Additionally, I would like to clarify, this is not to get her back – last I heard, she has a boyfriend. Finally, I do not expect her to apologize. She has already apologized and me reaching out is about me making amends. Simply put, I want to make sure things are okay between us and to wish her well during this difficult time.

So, Doctor, do you think it is a good idea to reach out to S and, if so, how do you recommend going about it?

Thanks,

Momma Drama 2: More Drama

DEAR MOMMA DRAMA 2: Hoo boy.

OK, MD2, I don’t think you fully listened to me last time where I told you that this wasn’t going to be a great idea and you were signing up for things that I don’t think you were ready for. And to be perfectly frank: I still don’t think you’re getting things. So I think it’s going to be time for the Chair Leg of Truth.

Stay the hell away from S. She is no good for you and there is literally no reason for you to be in touch with her at ALL. You have learned absolutely nothing from any of this.

Let’s go to the tape, shall we?

Way back when you first started dating, she was hiding the fact that she had broken her engagement from her family for months, including the time when she was dating you. She was cool with sleeping with you and saying she was your girlfriend except when her friends and coworkers were around. At the time, she explained this as being due to complicated factors involving the father of her child, her family and not wanting her friends to know how quickly she moved on. Even at the time, I told you I was raising a highly skeptical eyebrow about this. Now I’m willing to straight-up tell you that this was a giant warning sign and, frankly, her continuing behavior has confirmed this.

You may have noticed a pattern here: she shows up randomly at your job, makes out with you, makes promises to see you, then ignores your texts whenever you bring up the topic of a date. This has happened multiple times. Once is happenstance; she had a couple drinks, horniness and nostalgia got the better of her, now she’s trying to avoid making more of a thing about it. Twice is coincidence — maybe she felt bad about the first time and repeated the same mistake because hey, she’s clearly attracted to you and booze convinces us that bad decisions are great ideas. Three times is enemy action — especially considering that not only did she continually ignore your attempts at clarifying what was going on, but she would also ignore your attempts at establishing boundaries.

I mean, she followed you to your next job to… what, exactly, not date you even more pointedly? Show off her boyfriend so you knew that her coming in to make out with you was just a lark? F

ked if I know what the hell she was thinking. But I do know this: these are not the behaviors of someone who’s worth dating. Like… at all.

Now I don’t think following her to the other bar just to tell her how pissed off you are was necessarily the best move but frankly, laying down the law and saying “put up or shut up” is something you should’ve done a while ago. I cannot express strongly enough how much you should have told her to f

k off with this hot-and-cold bulls

t, then after she’s f

ked off, she should make a point to f

k off even further because what she’s doing was not fair to you. Telling her “knock this off and stay the hell away from me” was the right thing to do.

And then you immediately turned around and undermined yourself the very next day by calling her to apologize for being angry. You had every goddamn right to be pissed at her for the s

tty way she’s been treating you — starting with when you were f

king dating — and telling her “hey, sorry I got mad” undid all of progress you made. When you establish a boundary and then immediately apologize for establishing said boundary, you’re telling them that this isn’t actually a thing that you’re going to stand firm on. You’re telling them that you’re going to make a lot of noise and then go right back to allowing her to treat you the same s

tty way she has been. Now what you’ve done is taught her that you aren’t actually serious about your protests and she’s free to keep walking all over you like laid down on her porch with the words “WELCOME” written in Sharpie on your back.

What did this performance of boundary-setting get you? Jack and s

t. And Jack left town. She ignored you entirely because why should she respond? Your protests ultimately meant nothing and you taught her that you didn’t mean it.

I hate to say it that bluntly but oh, hey, look, she started coming to your bar again, even after you told her not to. She’d give you the sad eyes and ask “are you mad at me” and then blithely continue on as she always did, treating you with about as much respect as gum on her shoe.

The appropriate answer here, by the way, was “YES. YES I’M GODDAMN ANGRY AT YOU.”  As would be telling your manager and the bouncer “hey, I really don’t want her here when I’m working.”

Your every interaction with her post-breakup has been Wile E. Coyote chasing the f

king Road Runner, MD2. You think you’re gonna get somewhere, you make plans and get dropped off a cliff, run over by cars or blown up by your own dynamite. Because Wile E. Coyote is never going to get the Road Runner and you were and will never actually have those drinks — coffee or otherwise — where either you two get back together or you clear the air and she realizes what a s

t she’s been. She ghosts or ignores you EVERY. SINGLE. GODDAMN. TIME. YOU. TRY. TO. MAKE. PLANS. AND. YOU. KEEP. TRYING. Every single time you try to establish some boundaries, she ignores them because you immediately undercut yourself over and over again. That point where you said “no, we’re NOT cool” should have been the end of the subject, not the invitation to yet another date that she has and had absolutely no f

king intention of keeping. You keep apologizing for “drama”, but telling someone who treats you like s

t that they’re treating you like s

t is not drama, it is doing what you should have done months ago.

The fact that apparently all those texts you sent are what finally made her stay the hell away is a gift from the gods. Maybe you “scared her away with all the crazy” but y’know what? If it took projectile feelings-vomiting like the director’s cut of Stand By Me to make her go the hell away, then get on your goddamn knees and thank God, Jesus, Buddha or Satan and all his minions that you had more pressure than a fire hose when you spewed because that seems to have done the trick.

All that? Literally everything I just wrote? All of that is why the fact that you’re talking about trying to get in contact with her again is making me reach for Doctor Whiskey and Nurse Tequila. I’m not entirely sure how in pluperfect hell you can have written all of that out, laying out the sheer number of times she has ignored you, ghosted you and treated you like garbage and think “hey, maybe I was the bad guy in all of this.” What — and I can’t emphasize this enough — the f

k?

No, chief, you should not reach out to her to apologize, explain or invite her to buy Girl Scout cookies from your niece. You should be blocking her on every possible way you can be contacted, up to and including the Friendster account you forgot you created back in ’02.  You should be scouring her presence off every single device you own, so that you can’t get back in touch with her. There is absolutely no good reason to contact her for any reason that doesn’t involve telling her that she might have been exposed to Zombie Rot the last time you saw her and even then I’d think twice about it.

The problem here isn’t that you need to explain yourself, the problem here is that you don’t get how much s

t she has made you eat since you broke up. You don’t need to be making amends, you need to be looking at all of your behavior here and saying “Wow, I will never let someone treat me like this ever again.” Your getting in contact with her again will only send you on the 12″ dance remix of everything you have gone through already: it’ll be the exact same song, just faster, more intense and a heavier beat.

This woman is bad for you and you need to recognize that. Getting back in contact again is only going to undermine any progress you’ve made, undercut any attempt at setting boundaries again and just leave you worse off than you were before. The thing to do here is wash your hands of the entire situation, recognize that you got done dirty and learn from it for next time.

It’s time for you to put her firmly behind you where she belongs and move forward to a future where you respect yourself enough to keep and maintain boundaries and — critically  — not let people treat you this way again. The next time someone keeps dangling hope in front of you, only to yank it away when you reach for it and then dangle it again? Drop her like fifth period French and move the hell on to someone who actually respects your time.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

Doctor’s Note: Today’s column includes discussion about rape, sexual assault and false rape allegations

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I really appreciate everything you’ve written and I have a question about a situation that’s a bit of a twist on the old scenario, Mostly because the predatory party is a female. Forgive the upcoming wall of text but this is a long and complicated story.

For a little background I’ve known this person, let’s call her Alpha, for years and actually met most of my current friend group through her. It has never been a secret that she’s not the most stable person, nor is the fact that she has feelings for me, another woman who happens to be a lesbian. But I have no interest in her for a myriad of reasons and have made that crystal clear. The first time it came up I politely turned her down by pointing out the fact that she was married, even though it was an open relationship and I have no problem with that in principle. That reason happened to have her the least personally insulting one I could come up with for turning her down, but it’s obvious to everyone who knows her that she, and I’m quoting here, “covets” me to this day. Now knowing this about her and other things including the fact that she is bipolar and very hypersexual I have always kept her at an arm’s length, because something just seemed off. Unfortunately I have since found out I was properly paranoid to be cautious.

I drifted away from her over the years for various reasons including realizing that she’s in general just kind of a s

tty friend. While her mom was dying of cancer a few years ago I tried to be there for her as much as I could but when my own mom got cancer it was radio silence on her end. During that period I also realized that she’s incredibly jealous of a friend of mine, Phi, who actually was there for me when all this was happening. At one point she attempted to reconnect with me but by then that ship had sailed because I realized she was only interested in being a friend when it was beneficial to her and she was still hoping to get in my pants someday. After that point contact between us generally ceased.

Enter Delta. He is another mutual friend of ours who I know has had feelings for her in the past. And at some point last year I became aware that something had happened between them that made them not want to be around each other. To say that what he told me in private made me furious is an understatement. Essentially she arranged for a situation where she stayed over at his house overnight without actually needing to, lured him into the guest room and attempted to have sex with him, with her as the clear aggressor. It got as far as her throwing a condom at him before he made an excuse to leave the room and then locked himself in his own room for the remainder of the night. The next day she acted normal and didn’t acknowledge anything had happened, but a few days later she came after him insisting he had assaulted her. She then dragged his name through the mud to other people we know and effectively got him blacklisted from our community.

I was furious to find out she had sexually assaulted my friend and then tried to blame him for it. And I fully believe Delta, in part because his story is almost identical to one Phi told me years ago about going to Alpha’s house when she was there alone to pick something up and she blatantly came on to him. He was more puzzled than anything and wasn’t receptive and he has never done anything physical with her, and I know Phi well enough that there is no reason he would lie about it because it’s just not in his character. Then the story gets stickier since at the time Alpha told other people, including Delta, that she was in a casual relationship with Phi, and worse, claims he was abusive to her. I only found out about this after Delta confided in me about what she did to him, and at this point we both realized the depth of her lies and the likelihood she has done this to others. It’s clear that he method is to falsely claim someone had abused her in response to rejection.

I have encouraged Delta to come forward to some of the people with influence in our community but he is reluctant to do so and thinks he will not be believed because he’s a man. I have offered to go with him since I have some training in this area and I believe his account is credible. But I know I can’t make him. He did eventually talk to Phi and they compared accounts so now they both know, but things are at a stalemate. Alpha has since become increasingly erratic and has separated from her husband to live with a boyfriend and is purposely going unmedicated for her bipolar disorder. I’m certain she will do this again to someone else if given the chance, and it pisses me off to know we have a predator in our community hiding being a lie of victimhood. But I also can’t do anything without the victims being willing to come forward.

On a personal note this infuriates me because I had my own experience with a guy in our community who harassed me for not being receptive to his advances (because lesbian) and Alpha went on a virtual crusade against him that ended with him getting banned, but now I find out she’s just as bad if not worse because her actions have progressed to the physical. I have avoided her as much as possible so my temper can’t get the better of me, since my reaction would probably be to cuss her out and reveal that I know her true colors.

So what do I do? Or have I done all I can for now? I just can’t stand the thought of this woman still being out there doing this to others.

Sincerely,

Conflicted and Enraged

DEAR CONFLICTED AND ENRAGED: This is a tough question to answer, C&E, in no small part because this scenario is precisely the sort of thing certain groups like to toss around as “proof” that women make up allegations of sexual assault for clout and/or power and that the #MeToo movement is nothing more than women trying to take down men because F

K YOU PENIS, THAT’S WHY. Similarly, plenty of folks will dismiss the story of a guy assaulting people — see also: Mignogna, Vic — but accuse the victims of inventing the entire thing because reasons.

In reality, not only are false accusations so rare as to be statistically non-existent, but the vast majority of false — not “unverified”, not “not proven in court” but actually made up — almost never involve a named perpetrator. It’s “I was assaulted” not “Joe Blow assaulted me”. In practice, women who come forward with stories about rape or sexual assault tend to get put through the wringer, by the authorities, by the public, even by family, while the perpetrators are rarely punished, or the punishments are laughably lenient — see also: Turner, Brock. This is why people say “believe women” or “believe victims”; not because women never lie or mislead or because people haven’t lied about being a victim of a crime, but because our societal default tends to question victims’ versions of events at best or to call them liars at worst.

And the story of a vindictive, possibly mentally ill woman tossing around sexual assault accusations… well, that fits in rather well with the narrative that MRAs, Red-Pillers and assorted f

kheads make up in order to discredit victims. So needless to say: I’m a little skeptical.

But with that in mind: being a s

thead knows no gender, and some folks will do s

tty things to other people because they feel justified in doing so. So I’m going to proceed with caution here.

The issue here is that we end up with a conflict between two mutually exclusive desires: the desire to believe our friends when they tell us their story, and the desire to believe victims. On the one hand, we want to believe the folks in our lives, especially our close friends, would never do such a thing. On the other hand, history is rife with people who believed that their friend was innocent and incapable of doing such horrific things, only to discover that no, they were VERY capable of doing so. It becomes a difficult needle to thread because we’re pulled in two different directions, both of which seem equally valid.

In your case, you have reason to believe Delta and Phi, because you know them, they have similar stories and Alpha’s behavior when you met her set your Spidey-sense tingling. That, understandably, puts you more firmly on the side of believing them. Their reticence to come forward also adds to their credibility in this case. While it’s by no means proof, lots of people who want to (literally) blame the victim will shout their version of the story from the mountain tops, not quietly try to just move forward with their lives.

So let’s say that this is 100% legit. They’ve told you God’s honest truth, Alpha is prone to tossing around stories like this to cover for her embarrassment or anger at being rejected and the only thing they’re guilty of is being briefly interested in someone who is not in good working order (to say the least.)

Here’s the problem, C&E: there isn’t that much that you can do. The problem with cases like this — whether taken to the authorities, or simply being reported in the court of public opinion — is that there’s no evidence. It’s the literal definition of “he said, she said”, which then comes down to “so who are you going to believe?” Without any concrete reason to cast doubt on Alpha’s credibility (and HOO BOY does that get problematic), there’s simply no good or clean way of handling this that doesn’t open up a veritable typhoon of problems. If Delta and Phi were willing to come with you to talk to people in your community… well, that might help, it might not. But that’s more or less the limit of what you can do to address these issues.

The other issue is that she’s a less visible missing stair than others. The term — coined by Cliff Pervocracy — is a metaphor for somebody in the community who is a known problem. The malefactor is akin to an issue with a house — a missing stair in the stair case to the basement. People who know about the missing stair know to simply step over it and often get used to the fact that it’s not there. People who don’t know that the stair is missing, however, are prone to falling and getting hurt. The folks who live in the house are used to the stair, they’ll warn people to watch out for the missing stair… but some people don’t get the warning and end up hurt.

The obvious answer is “stop stepping over the damn thing and fix the f

king stair,” or, rather: dropkick the person out of your community so hard they achieve geostationary orbit. But in this case… well, it seems like your community doesn’t realize there’s a stair that’s missing.

Yet.

If other people don’t know that Alpha is a problem, then it’s very hard to do anything concrete about it. You could start a whisper network and warn people on the down-low to avoid her and fill them in on her proclivities. This is, needless to say, problematic as f

k; you are, for all intents and purposes, creating the missing stair issue. But without compelling evidence or a pattern of behavior that you can point to, it’s going to be hard to convince people that this is a problem. So the least-bad option would seem to be to limit her access to people and minimize the potential harm she can do.

As much as it sucks and as awful as it is, it may well be that your only option is to wait. If this is a pattern of behavior for Alpha, then the odds are… one hesitates to say “good”… that she’ll do this again. And if she is choosing to not treat her bipolar disorder, it’s entirely possible that she’ll reach a point where her behavior will be obvious to everyone. The problem is, not only does this not help Delta and Phi, but it also risks harming future victims and Alpha herself.

Similarly, I don’t think publicly accusing her or going off at her will help. At best, it’s just spectacle. At worst, you risk coming off as someone who supports a couple of rapists and accusing a victim of making false rape accusations. And, in the process, putting a very large target on your back. After all, you’re the one palling around with rapists so what does that say about you, etc. etc.

So, yeah. It’s a case of “suck or suckier”, where there really are no good options and the only choice you have is the one that’s the least bad. Supporting your friends, warning others and possibly talking to folks within the community about Alpha and Phi seems to be the least bad choice. At least in this case, it potentially limits the damage that Alpha can do, with as minimal exposure for yourself as possible. Otherwise, the only thing that’s left is waiting for Alpha to self-destruct (metaphorically, one hopes) or reach a point where her malfeasance is obvious and she can be removed from the community.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com