DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So after having no relationship or sexually experience I recently hit all the check marks (losing weight, positive thinking, social confidence etc…) and things were going great! I met a great girl, attracted her, went out on dates. Then, out of the middle of nowhere one night, she wanted to sleep with me:

“What…?”

Literally straight out of a movie. Quirky entrance into the house where we climbed through a window, wine on the pants followed by “let’s get those off”, followed by “come sleep in the bed with me”. Except unlike in the movies, I wasn’t completely ready, got too in my own head, panicked, and slept on the couch. The attraction fizzled and the relationship never went anywhere.

And ever since I’ve been fumbling EVERYTHING. My confidence slid, I’m not as smooth as I was before, can’t really get a date, and I’ve just been on a rocky road for some months now. Because in my head that night was what it was all leading up to, and if I can’t deliver then, how can I deliver ever? I still feel like deep down any second I’m going to be revealed as a fraud and slip permanently even after working so hard.

How do I get back on track?

Thanks!

Fumbled the Touchdown

DEAR FUMBLED THE TOUCHDOWN: It’s understandable that you’re having self-esteem issues, FtT. There you are, about to have the sort of first time experience that you only expect to see in 80s boner-jams… and you just can’t make it happen. Not only that, but apparently you wiff so hard that the entire relationship fizzles out and now you’re left feeling like all of the experience and good times you had up to that point went with it.

But that’s not it. That’s not it at all. The fact that things didn’t play out exactly the way you hoped or dreamed doesn’t mean that you’re screwed (er… as it were) and you can never manage to achieve anything.

I mean, hell, if we look at this from the lens of raunchy teen-sex comedies… well, this was the 2nd act twist. This was the point of “OH HE’S GONNA MAKE IT!” and then there are misunderstandings, wacky hijinx and now you’re left running out the door with your pants in one hand and your junk in the other. But the whole point of that near miss wasn’t that it sets him back to zero; it’s that it sets him up for the real first time that’s gonna come with the third act and the person who’s actually right for him.

(Unless we’re talking The Last American Virgin, which is almost traumatic in its nihilistic realism at the end… but that’s a different rant entirely).

I don’t think you’re in nearly as bad shape as you think you are, FTT. I think you’re taking things far more seriously than they actually are and the feeling that you “couldn’t deliver” is screwing with you. But the thing is: this isn’t a case of “you couldn’t deliver”, such as it is. It’s that, for some reason, this didn’t feel right to you or you just weren’t ready for it. That’s all. That doesn’t make you less of a man or a failure, it just means that this specific instance wasn’t going to work. And honestly, if you had a little more experience, you probably would’ve been able to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. In this case — because hindsight is 20/20 — if you’d opted to sleep in bed with your partner at the time instead of running for the couch, you two would’ve woken up in the morning and had the opportunity for another go. You could have said “hey, I seem to be having an issue/a little too much to drink, how about we sleep on it” and then been golden.

But that’s for next time.

What you need to do first is see if you can dig into just why you panicked. Was it a case of deservedness, where you felt like you didn’t deserve to lose your virginity to her? Was it a fear that you wouldn’t have been any good in bed? Perhaps this wasn’t how you wanted to lose your virginity, which is completely valid. The more you can interrogate why you were so in your own head and why this incident threw you for a loop, the more you’ll understand what triggered things. Understand that and you have a two-pronged approach. In the short term, if you know your triggers, you’re in a better position to find ways to avoid them. That way, when the opportunity arises again — and it will arise again — then you’ll be ready and willing and able to avoid stepping on those landmines on the way to the bed. In the long term, understanding the root cause means that you can address that anxiety directly and work towards becoming even more confident and self-assured.

But the thing to keep in mind: this is just a bump in the road FtT, a 2nd act twist to make the audience feel even more invested in the hero’s inevitable success. What happened in the moment was just that: the moment. It’s neither permanent nor an indication that you’re less of a man in any way, shape or form. It may help to take the expectation for sex off the table for a bit. Go out, date and have experiences… but do so just with the intention of going on dates and having experiences. Taking the pressure off yourself to perform can help ease your anxiety and make it easier to just focus on connecting and enjoying your time with your date.

And if things go your way… well, this time, you’ll be much more relaxed, much more confident and ready to have an incredible experience.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am really new in the world of relationships. I had a problem during these days because some friends believed that my conduct to a lady was inappropriate.

One month ago I saw the WhatsApp story of a lovely girl, who put two pictures on it. The first one was a rock band, and the second one was had the label “Let’s make love”. I am really attracted to her, so I thought that the moment was appropriate to tell her to have sex with me. After talking to her for a while, I decided to tell her my intentions. So, I said to her “lets have sex”. Unfortunately, my proposal was taken as an offense, and she blocked me from WhatsApp.

Two days ago I found her on Instagram, and I decided to apologize to her, but also to ask her if she had decided to have sex with me or not. I think I am a reasonably open minded person. I was blocked again.

This Friday, a friend called me, and he said to me that I was harassing her. I think my intentions were misunderstood because I asked her both times if she agrees or disagrees. I was going to accept her response if she said no because I believe that her body is hers, and she has the final decision on whether she wants to make it out with a person or not.

Do you think that my attitude was inappropriate at all?

Best

Unsure And Unready

DEAR UNSURE AND UNREADY: Hoo boy.

Alright UaU, I’m gonna give it to you straight: you f

ked up. You f

ked up big time.

Now you say that you’re new to the world of relationships. OK, sure, fine. But your behavior and what you did has nothing to do with being new to relationships; it’s so out of whack with social norms that I’m left wondering if you have NO social calibration whatsoever. I don’t know if you’re neuroatypical to an incredible degree or if you are that socially inexperienced, but the vast majority of people — social “experiment” videos on YouTube aside — don’t go up to total strangers and ask to bang either right off the bat or shortly after meeting.

You especially don’t assume this based on a WhatsApp story with what’s almost certainly a reference to the Marilyn Monroe movie “Let’s Make Love”.

But in the name of education, let’s break down exactly where things went wrong and why, so you don’t make this mistake again with someone else. Ring the bell, class is in session. Your professor today will be The Chair Leg of Truth.

First and foremost: you assumed that her WhatsApp story was an open invitation for you (or, one supposes, anyone who viewed it) to ask her to sleep with you. Part of the function of stories on social media — whether Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat,  WhatsApp, what-have-you — is that they’re temporary posts; they disappear after 24 hours. More often than not, they’re visible to a general audience; they are, in effect, a broadcast to anyone who chooses to view it. Some folks use them for amusing images or posts that they don’t feel like having up for posterity. Some use them as a form of advertising; many Stories get higher engagement than typical posts on social media. NOBODY — and I mean nobody — uses them to broadcast their desire to get f

ked by a stranger. Even when camgirls, lewd cosplayers, strippers and porn stars say things like “would you like to do X with me” or “Guess I’m going to need someone to do Y…” they’re not asking people to volunteer to do something in person, they’re advertising their product, whether it’s a cam show, subscribing to their ManyVids or OnlyFans account or joining their Patreon.

So right off the bat, you made an (incredibly) unwarranted assumption that had absolutely no basis in reality. This is doubly the case with someone you don’t actually know. If she was a stranger before you saw her posts, then I can guarantee to you that this wasn’t an invitation for you to ask her to sleep with you.

(And for the record: even sex workers like escorts don’t take randos for clients; there’s almost always a screening process before they’ll book an appointment.)

Your second mistake was actually asking her to f

k you. Even if you had met her on an app like Tinder — an app designed for people to hook up, where the social contract says that people are on there specifically to hook up with folks — going from casual conversation to “so, want to have sex” is going to almost always end with not just a “no” but a “What The Hell Is Wrong With You”? Even people who are interested in casual sex and/or hooking up with strangers aren’t going to appreciate someone acting like sex is a foregone conclusion, particularly if they haven’t shown any interest. Most folks are going to want to talk, flirt, establish some mutual chemistry and meet in person before they’re going to decide if they’re down to clown. A dude who leaps straight to “So, how about it?” is signaling that, under the best of circumstances, he has very poor social and emotional intelligence. At worst, it’s an indicator that he only sees her as a sex toy, a conveniently mobile, human-shaped Fleshlight.

If there had been some actual interest, some flirting and actual signs of attraction (NOT a WhatsApp post that’s visible to everyone), then maybe there would be a window for discussing whether or not you two were gonna get together. But there wasn’t. So yes, your proposal was profoundly offensive and her blocking you was the right decision.

Your third mistake was chasing down her Instagram account. Here’s where you went from rude-but-possibly-just-clueless to full Creeper territory: you didn’t take “f

k off” for an answer. Her blocking you on WhatsApp was her final word on the subject. It was “Not just no but HELL NO”, with no room for misunderstanding or misinterpretation. By finding her Instagram and then messaging her there, you were telling her that you weren’t willing to accept her refusal. It doesn’t matter that your (initial) intent was to apologize; she had made it very clear by blocking you that she didn’t want to ever hear from you again. You very decided to ignore her very clear boundary. The fact that you wanted to apologize in no way obligates her to accept your apology or even listen to it. The only thing you could do is take the L and move on.

But good God damn Sonny-Jim, you decided to really take the taco with your next mistake. Because your fourth mistake was mind blowing in the “what — and I can’t stress this enough — the F

k” -edness of it all. The fact that you went from apologizing (that she didn’t want to hear) to “But how about that blowjob?” tells her that not only do you not understand what you did wrong, but you repeat the exact same behavior that got you blocked in the first place. 

Your being an open-minded person has nothing to do with any of it. Asking “So, how about f

king me, yes or no” isn’t somehow better because you had that “yes or no?” on there. And I’m sorry, you weren’t willing to abide by her decision because you didn’t f

king listen the first time when she blocked you. Your getting blocked was her telling you “no”. It was “No, never, not on your life, go the f

k away and never ever talk to me again”. Which you promptly ignored by tracking her down on a different social media account and asking her again.

So yes, you were harassing her. Yes, you were incredibly inappropriate, Jesus tap-dancing suffering f

k. The fact that you don’t see this is actually far more concerning than the fact that you did it in the first place.

You need to take several steps back from dating and put all of your effort on learning social norms and understanding how to read the room. Until you do, and until you understand every mistake you made in sequence, you really shouldn’t be trying to date or get laid. The best you can expect until then is a string of creeped out and pissed of women and their friends wondering what the hell you were thinking.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 28 years old and never been in a relationship. I was in a very bad state a couple years ago, but I’ve put a lot of work into improving myself and going to therapy, and I moved to a new city, which helped a lot, too. Because of this, I’ve put myself out on the dating market, and have been on a few dates with girls who I met on dating apps. They’ve went well overall, and even if nothing more advances out of it, I’m still gaining valuable experience. However, I do have a question about something I’ll likely encounter in the dating scene.

Anyone who’s been on a dating app knows that the thing girls as a whole mention the most in their profiles, aside from loving The Office, is loving to travel. However, I’ve only been to 11 out of 50 states, and I’ve only been to a foreign country for about a minute. (I was in a national park on the border between the U.S. and Canada). For a multitude of reasons, I don’t have many traveling experiences, including the fact that my father was ridiculously thrifty growing up (though he’s been happily married for 35 years), and as a result, our only vacations each year were to see my grandma in Florida, until she died when I was 15. It was always fun, but that was basically the extent of traveling far away from home.

Also, I haven’t had many close friends over the years to travel with, (though I’ve made several friends in my new city after living here only a few months), plus I’ve never really had that much money as an adult, as much of my paychecks have gone towards necessities, and occasional spending on recreational activities and hobbies.

With all that having been said, I know in many of your columns you’ve mentioned the importance of traveling (aside from the obvious fact that almost every girl I’ll meet love to do so). In my experience, though, I tend to not be very interested when people either go on and about their travel stories, or say they’ve been to x number of countries. I sometimes see it as bragging, implying that they have money, rich relatives, or what have you, and in a few cases, I get the idea that they might be implying they’re better than people who don’t have these experiences. Now, if I had a lot more money and free time, I’d gladly go on more trips, but I don’t have the experiences or enough money saved right now, and I probably won’t for several years. Even if I did have more money, I don’t imagine that I’d put the same level of importance on traveling as many girls do. Additionally, my father’s thrifty ways have been passed down to me, as I want to be able to save for the future and any necessities in life. Keep in mind, this is all my opinion.

Aside from that, what I consider to be interesting, in this case, relating to travel, can be different from many other people, too. While I’ve only been to 11 states, I have lived in three different ones, and I worked in a small town in rural Tennessee for several years. I found getting to know the people there, in a culture that was different from what I was used to, and experiencing a place I had never been to quite interesting, and I came to really enjoy it. Personally, if I ever do travel, I’d be more interested in going to different parts of America first and foremost, even if they’re off the beaten path, like a small town in rural Tennessee. Based on what I’ve heard from many girls, they emphasize seeing other countries. I’d give foreign travel a try if I had the time and money, but again, those trips cost more money.

(Side note to any other readers: this goes to show you, just like someone’s sense of humor, what people consider interesting can be very subjective. Aside from being genuinely interested in someone and their passions, obviously, which I see as the most important part of being interesting. But I digress.)

I have been doing other things this year to make myself more well-rounded; doing things that either relate to my passions, or just general self-improvement, like taking improv classes, becoming a better cook, starting a record collection, and I’m thinking about starting to play the keyboard again after 16 years. While this should help me be more attractive to women, at the same time, my lack of travel experience or interest in travel right now seems to be a fairly large elephant in the room.

I know there are lots of girls out there, but to a certain degree, I’m thinking girls might be less attracted and/or not want to date me once they figure out my lack of travel history and the fact that I’m not nearly as interested in traveling as them (or even before they meet me, because on my online dating profiles, I don’t mention anything about traveling). Keeping in mind that I don’t have much money to travel right now, either by myself or with a potential date, and won’t for several years, how can I remain confident and attractive to women despite this, even if I’m not lucky enough to find someone with the same views as I do?

Lacking Wanderlust

DEAR LACKING WANDERLUST: Let me reassure you LW: you are seriously overthinking things.

One of the things you’ll learn after you’ve had some experience under your belt is that there are a lot of cliches on dating apps. In fact, if you google “Dating App Bingo”, you’ll find dozens of variations of bingo cards festooned with the most common cliches… and even those will barely be scratching the surface.

And one of the most common ones you’ll find? It’s a love of traveling. And there’s a reason for that: it’s frequently less about traveling itself — though plenty of people do love it — and more about what it represents.

For starters, travel is frequently short-hand for a number of qualities that people want their matches to know they have. Do you have a picture of yourself on top of a mountain, on a beach in Tulum or in some locale like Petra or the jungles of Thailand? Then you want people to think you’re adventurous. Pictures in scenic outdoor cafes in Paris or Florence or Barcelona? Then you’re cosmopolitan, and possibly well-off. A temple or an ashram? You’re spiritual. You’re in a suit in Beijing or Shanghai or Xian or Tokyo? You’re a dealmaker and successful businessman. And so forth and so on.

For another, a love of travel is less actual and more aspirational. It’s the sort of thing that we assume we’re supposed to want to do. Or it’s something that would make us a more interesting person. Or it’s something that people would love to do at some point, if they had the resources to do so.

You know. Like you.

The likelihood that people will swipe left on you because you haven’t left the country — outside of crossing the border into Canada whilst in a national park — is profoundly low. So low that honestly, I’d be shocked to my core if that ever was an actual issue for you. And if you ever encountered enough people who explicitly passed on you — not your assuming that they did, but straight up said “I can’t be with someone who hasn’t climbed the pyramids in Teotihuacan and Chichen Itza,” then all that’s happened is that you’ve been spared from going on a date with someone who would be a profoundly poor match.

To be perfectly blunt, LW: you’re borrowing trouble from the future, a future that frankly probably doesn’t exist. You’ve created this boogeyman out of whole cloth.

Because in reality? You’re doing pretty damn well for yourself, man. The stuff you’re telling me about are precisely the things you should be doing. The fact that you haven’t traveled much isn’t going to be nearly the drawback that you think. And while there’re ways you could start getting a jump on putting some new stamps in your passport — there’re any number of services that curate lists of travel deals, cheap airfare and fascinating tours and opportunities — your issue isn’t your inexperience, it’s the way you frame it. Portray things a little differently and then you put yourself in a much better position. You like to explore America and check out the interesting parts that’re off the beaten path. You’re saving up and making plans for future travel because the experiences you’ve had thus far have been amazing.

That shift in perspective changes you from someone who’s never been anywhere to someone who would probably be an amazing travel companion; now you’re not inexperienced, you’re somebody with an appetite for adventure and a desire to see the wonders this world has to offer.

Don’t worry about how much or how little traveling you’ve done. There’ll be plenty of other things for folks to bond over.

And who knows? Maybe one of those travel-loving hotties will decide she needs to be the one to be your guide to all those desirable exotic locales.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com