DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am really new in the world of relationships. I had a problem during these days because some friends believed that my conduct to a lady was inappropriate.
One month ago I saw the WhatsApp story of a lovely girl, who put two pictures on it. The first one was a rock band, and the second one was had the label “Let’s make love”. I am really attracted to her, so I thought that the moment was appropriate to tell her to have sex with me. After talking to her for a while, I decided to tell her my intentions. So, I said to her “lets have sex”. Unfortunately, my proposal was taken as an offense, and she blocked me from WhatsApp.
Two days ago I found her on Instagram, and I decided to apologize to her, but also to ask her if she had decided to have sex with me or not. I think I am a reasonably open minded person. I was blocked again.
This Friday, a friend called me, and he said to me that I was harassing her. I think my intentions were misunderstood because I asked her both times if she agrees or disagrees. I was going to accept her response if she said no because I believe that her body is hers, and she has the final decision on whether she wants to make it out with a person or not.
Do you think that my attitude was inappropriate at all?
Unsure And Unready
DEAR UNSURE AND UNREADY: Hoo boy.
Alright UaU, I’m gonna give it to you straight: you f
ked up. You f
ked up big time.
Now you say that you’re new to the world of relationships. OK, sure, fine. But your behavior and what you did has nothing to do with being new to relationships; it’s so out of whack with social norms that I’m left wondering if you have NO social calibration whatsoever. I don’t know if you’re neuroatypical to an incredible degree or if you are that socially inexperienced, but the vast majority of people — social “experiment” videos on YouTube aside — don’t go up to total strangers and ask to bang either right off the bat or shortly after meeting.
You especially don’t assume this based on a WhatsApp story with what’s almost certainly a reference to the Marilyn Monroe movie “Let’s Make Love”.
But in the name of education, let’s break down exactly where things went wrong and why, so you don’t make this mistake again with someone else. Ring the bell, class is in session. Your professor today will be The Chair Leg of Truth.
First and foremost: you assumed that her WhatsApp story was an open invitation for you (or, one supposes, anyone who viewed it) to ask her to sleep with you. Part of the function of stories on social media — whether Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, WhatsApp, what-have-you — is that they’re temporary posts; they disappear after 24 hours. More often than not, they’re visible to a general audience; they are, in effect, a broadcast to anyone who chooses to view it. Some folks use them for amusing images or posts that they don’t feel like having up for posterity. Some use them as a form of advertising; many Stories get higher engagement than typical posts on social media. NOBODY — and I mean nobody — uses them to broadcast their desire to get f
ked by a stranger. Even when camgirls, lewd cosplayers, strippers and porn stars say things like “would you like to do X with me” or “Guess I’m going to need someone to do Y…” they’re not asking people to volunteer to do something in person, they’re advertising their product, whether it’s a cam show, subscribing to their ManyVids or OnlyFans account or joining their Patreon.
So right off the bat, you made an (incredibly) unwarranted assumption that had absolutely no basis in reality. This is doubly the case with someone you don’t actually know. If she was a stranger before you saw her posts, then I can guarantee to you that this wasn’t an invitation for you to ask her to sleep with you.
(And for the record: even sex workers like escorts don’t take randos for clients; there’s almost always a screening process before they’ll book an appointment.)
Your second mistake was actually asking her to f
k you. Even if you had met her on an app like Tinder — an app designed for people to hook up, where the social contract says that people are on there specifically to hook up with folks — going from casual conversation to “so, want to have sex” is going to almost always end with not just a “no” but a “What The Hell Is Wrong With You”? Even people who are interested in casual sex and/or hooking up with strangers aren’t going to appreciate someone acting like sex is a foregone conclusion, particularly if they haven’t shown any interest. Most folks are going to want to talk, flirt, establish some mutual chemistry and meet in person before they’re going to decide if they’re down to clown. A dude who leaps straight to “So, how about it?” is signaling that, under the best of circumstances, he has very poor social and emotional intelligence. At worst, it’s an indicator that he only sees her as a sex toy, a conveniently mobile, human-shaped Fleshlight.
If there had been some actual interest, some flirting and actual signs of attraction (NOT a WhatsApp post that’s visible to everyone), then maybe there would be a window for discussing whether or not you two were gonna get together. But there wasn’t. So yes, your proposal was profoundly offensive and her blocking you was the right decision.
Your third mistake was chasing down her Instagram account. Here’s where you went from rude-but-possibly-just-clueless to full Creeper territory: you didn’t take “f
k off” for an answer. Her blocking you on WhatsApp was her final word on the subject. It was “Not just no but HELL NO”, with no room for misunderstanding or misinterpretation. By finding her Instagram and then messaging her there, you were telling her that you weren’t willing to accept her refusal. It doesn’t matter that your (initial) intent was to apologize; she had made it very clear by blocking you that she didn’t want to ever hear from you again. You very decided to ignore her very clear boundary. The fact that you wanted to apologize in no way obligates her to accept your apology or even listen to it. The only thing you could do is take the L and move on.
But good God damn Sonny-Jim, you decided to really take the taco with your next mistake. Because your fourth mistake was mind blowing in the “what — and I can’t stress this enough — the F
k” -edness of it all. The fact that you went from apologizing (that she didn’t want to hear) to “But how about that blowjob?” tells her that not only do you not understand what you did wrong, but you repeat the exact same behavior that got you blocked in the first place.
Your being an open-minded person has nothing to do with any of it. Asking “So, how about f
king me, yes or no” isn’t somehow better because you had that “yes or no?” on there. And I’m sorry, you weren’t willing to abide by her decision because you didn’t f
king listen the first time when she blocked you. Your getting blocked was her telling you “no”. It was “No, never, not on your life, go the f
k away and never ever talk to me again”. Which you promptly ignored by tracking her down on a different social media account and asking her again.
So yes, you were harassing her. Yes, you were incredibly inappropriate, Jesus tap-dancing suffering f
k. The fact that you don’t see this is actually far more concerning than the fact that you did it in the first place.
You need to take several steps back from dating and put all of your effort on learning social norms and understanding how to read the room. Until you do, and until you understand every mistake you made in sequence, you really shouldn’t be trying to date or get laid. The best you can expect until then is a string of creeped out and pissed of women and their friends wondering what the hell you were thinking.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, firstname.lastname@example.org