DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First of all, let me say thank you for being out there for people like me that is searching for some insight or some type of answer to a current predicament. I found your site in one of the many nights that I was searching for answers or suggestions to a similar situations.
Here’s where I stand:
My husband and I met about 4 years ago and we moved in together (married) about 8 months ago. We are 12 years apart and he’s older. I have a 24 year old son that lives with his wife and my husband doesn’t have kids.
Our sex wasn’t often but it was great up until we moved in together. Then came up all the different work schedules, routines, and learning to live with each other, so sex/intimacy started to suffer. I’m sure is normal for some, yet I feel for us is more than that.
For once, I would like to have sex more than just on a Friday night after a drink. How about when I’m horny on a Tuesday or a Sunday morning? I feel like our sex is only on his schedule and it does not matter what I would want or what I have to say about it. We used to have sex only once a week (his request) and now is nothing. I have a higher sex drive than him or so I think.
I’ve noticed he’s less interested in touching me or initiating and he rather spend his time in front of his computer. We have had conversations about our sex life. How I feel is lacking in our relationship and he seems to understand, yet things go back to nothing after a few days.
My concern now is lately he’s been into a youtube channel where porn stars are being interviewed and then he goes on searching the particular ladies, example L.Ann, K.Rx, etc. I also know that he goes into “live cam” sites to watch younger ladies masturbate. Does he pays for those? Who knows and I hope not, because I asked him and he said he wasn’t into that. Sure!
(Note: Our computer is in the open for both of us to use, not in a separate room)
Another issue is his lack of respect to me when it comes to staring (very obvious) at other women when we go out (every Friday), to the point that I had to tell him to please stop. He’s gotten better, but is still happening and it makes me feel so inferior. How could you disrespect the woman YOU are taking out, why don’t you go out by yourself then. I’m a very good looking lady, who likes to dress up when we go out, and I love to have fun with others. I look younger than my age, yet he can take all that away by gawking at another lady’s ass.
In top of all that, I had to have an emergency hysterectomy in Dec. due to cancerous cells (I see a therapist to help me deal with this major change). We were both okay with that since we were not interested in children (1 is enough lol). I know that penetration was out of the table for some time, but intimacy is more than just intercourse and I crave that close relationship with him. Why not play with each other until we both orgasm ( oh! wait, maybe because it feels like he doesn’t want to take the time for me, however I have to finish him off) The last time we had “intimacy” was a hand job, because he didn’t even want me to go down on him, really!? I’ve been cleared to have sex again for weeks and he knows, however he seems like he could go on without it. How sad!!!
He has not stop making future plans for us like trips, dinners, theater shows, etc. I know he loves me, but maybe like some say he is no longer “in love” with me or maybe he just cares for me enough to keep me around just for looks (you know an older man alone again). We’ve only been married 8 months!!
Wow! sorry for the long note, but despite my looks, loving him so much and desiring him as a man, I get this lonely feeling sometimes like I’m alone in this marriage. I do all the outside things either on my own or with my friends. I have no problems being independent, nevertheless my time with him seem to be declining. Now what?
Has he become a porn addict or already is? I did asked him if porn was a problem in our relationship and he straight up told me “NO”. Is he no longer physically attracted to me to sexually satisfy me? Is it ED? and he’s afraid to talk about it with me? Clearly talking isn’t doing it, how many times can one tell a partner that we should have more intimacy and sex. I know so many questions!
I wish he could understand how much he’s hurting me by choosing to masturbate to porn instead of having it with me (I do not mean all the time), I understand we both need our “alone’ time for that too. I deeply love him and miss the warm of his body closed to mine when we connect with intimacy and sex.
DEAR LONELY WIFE: Sometimes I’ll get letters from folks where it’s obvious from the jump what the issue is. Other times, I’ll get one where the problem doesn’t reveal itself until a particular detail makes things abundantly clear.
And then I’ll get letters like yours LW, where every couple of paragraphs, the circumstances continue to degrade and the apparent underlying cause also changes… right up until the end, where it becomes clear that it doesn’t matter what the problem is because the solution is painfully obvious.
It seems pretty clear that moving in together was the trigger. This, in and of itself, isn’t terribly surprising or unusual. There’re a number of couples where the single biggest cause of strife in their lives is the fact that they live together. Take cohabitation out of the mix, and they’d be a scorching hot couple, but living together robs their relationship of vitality.
But the trigger ain’t the problem, it’s just the inciting incident. Whether this brought issues to the surface that had always been there or accelerated things until they couldn’t be ignored any longer is, at this point, academic. The problem is that your husband doesn’t want to have sex with you. It’s pretty clear he still has a sex drive and is almost certainly still jerking off; folks don’t watch cam shows for the riveting plots or amazing cinematography. But the fact that he’s uninterested in orgasms from you — to the point that the only sexual intimacy he’ll accept is a hand-job — is as clear of an indicator of where his head’s at.
One question that needs to be answered is “why”? Is it a case that he’s been bored and that boredom has become disinterest? Is it that the domesticity of your relationship robbed it of the thrill he was getting off to? Did the stress of trying to adjust to living together throw him off his groove? Or — as I suspect is the case — is it that he’s just not attracted to you any more?
Now I want to be abundantly clear: the fact that he doesn’t seem to be attracted to you DOES NOT mean that you’ve done something wrong or that this is in any way your fault. He may be someone who needs novelty and new stimulation to maintain interest. It could be that this is his pattern in relationships and this happens every time. Or it could be that his attraction simply faded on its own, through no fault of yours or his.
And while the lack of sex doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the relationship — there’re plenty of folks in companionate marriages, whose connection is about things other than sex — it’s pretty clear that your relationship has reached its end. To start with: you’re clearly hurt by the lack of intimacy in your relationship. That’s entirely understandable; it’s not unreasonable to want sex with your husband or to crave intimacy with them.
The bigger problem, however, is the seeming contempt that your husband is displaying. While it’s certainly possible that he still loves and cares for you, he sure as f
kery doesn’t seem to respect you. Openly browsing porn sites while also neglecting you sexually, ogling women in front of you, keeping sexual contact to just masturbation with no interest in reciprocating… none of that is good. None of that is a sign that they have concern for your feelings, never mind your desires. That sort of behavior is the sort of thing that curdles even the strongest of relationships.
If I’m perfectly honest… well, I don’t know if there’s much to be salvaged here. I think that if you want to make a Hail Mary pass at trying to fix things, then you need to sit him down and have a very Awkward Conversation with him about all of this. You need to lay out everything: the way you’ve been feeling neglected, the way his behavior makes you feel, the fact that sex has been not just routine but almost robotic. Be incredibly clear about all of this, so that there’s no room for misunderstanding. After you’re done, let him share his side of things.
Following that, I’d suggest finding a sex-positive marriage counselor to try to hash things out.
But to be frank: I don’t know if that’s going to help things. It sounds like he’s already checked out; he may not be interested in divorcing, but he sure doesn’t seem to be interested in participating in a significant part of the relationship. If that’s the case… well, the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to love yourself enough to know that you deserve better than this. You deserve someone who actually respects you and cares for your feelings and satisfaction. And if that’s not your husband… well, then he shouldn’t be your husband any longer.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, firstname.lastname@example.org