DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I wanted to know what you thought and would advise regarding how to recover from a break up during this COVID-19 pandemic (or other scenarios where you’re not able to go out and meet new people). A few day ago I had to cut things with a girl I was seeing since November. I didn’t want to, but there was a lack of effort to communicate and I was putting in all the effort. After having it met with the equivalent of banging one’s head against the wall, I was left with no choice but to do what’s best for me. As productive as that sounds it’s still hard because as of now we’re in a curfew state with business and activity areas to meet new people are shutdown so now I’m stuck missing what I lost but don’t have a way to get past it. Yes I’m working on myself with studying more, picking up guitar again, and practicing new art skills but being solo doesn’t take my head off it.

I know there’s probably a video you have on the breakup and there’s a video on what you can do during the pandemic but I wondered if there was a new type of thought process for when it’s both out together.

Thanks for listening and having an awesome channel and podcast,

Life Under Quarantine

DEAR LIFE UNDER QUARANTINE: I do, in fact, have a video about getting over your break up over on my YouTube channel, LUQ and I think it would be helpful for you to watch it. It’ll explain a little about what’s going on and why you’re having a difficult time getting your mind off of your ex.

Part of the reason why people — guys, especially — have a hard time getting over break ups is because love isn’t just emotional; it’s also chemical. When we’re with our partner, our brains are generating large amounts of dopamine and oxytocin — the “cuddle” chemical that encourages things like social bonding, sexual arousal and romantic connections. Those chemicals hit the pleasure centers of your brain just so and make you crave more. This is part of why, for example, we want to spend all of our time with a new partner; we are, literally, addicted to them because we’re getting huge doses of feel-good brain drugs.

When we break up with someone, we’re suddenly cut off from that source, and our brains want it back… badly. This is why it can often be so hard to stop thinking about our exes or wanting them back, even if we know that the relationship was toxic or that there were very good reasons why the relationship had to end.

This is why part of the key to getting over someone is to find a new source or sources of oxytocin. This is part of why we have the old saw of “get over someone by getting under someone else”; since oxytocin is most readily generated through sex and physical touch, sex with someone new is a quick and easy way to find new sources of oxytocin, as well as validation that yes other people desire you and that there are other people out there.

Of course, sex isn’t the only way of finding new sources of oxytocin, it’s simply the most socially acceptable for guys. Part of the reason why women often have an easier time getting over an ex then men do is because men as a gender are incredibly touch-deprived. It’s socially acceptable for women to seek reassurance — including physical contact, like hugging — from their friends in times of need. Men are cut off from that source of reassurance because we equate physical contact with sexual contact, just as we associate emotional intimacy with sexual intimacy. It’s a classic case of toxic masculinity ruining the party once again.

But there are ways around this and getting the need for physical touch met, even without sexual contact. Massage, for example, is a great way to soothe the body, ease the cortisol that comes from emotional stress and gain a source of oxytocin by having one’s touch needs met. So too are various forms of social dancing, particularly Latin and ballroom dancing.

However, we’re all also under quarantine thanks to the COVID-19 pandemic… which has made it difficult to access those forms of physical contact and the associated generation of oxytocin.

But “difficult” isn’t the same as “impossible”.

The key is that you need to start getting creative and working with the tools that you have available to you.

Start by connecting with your friends. While physical touch and sex are the most obvious sources for oxytocin, we also generate oxytocin through laughter and conversation. Reaching out to your friends, having virtual hang-outs and happy-hours not only helps you feel less alone, but also encourages sharing, socializing and laughter — all of which help generate oxytocin in the brain. Get your buddies together and use an extension like NetflixParty, TwoSeven or apps like Zoom to watch movies — especially dumb action flicks or your favorite comedies.

And while you may not be able to touch another person right now, that doesn’t mean you can’t find other sources of touch and comfort. If you have the space, the finances and your lease allows it, now is a great time to foster a cat or dog. The shelters in your area need to find foster homes during the shut-down, especially if your state or city has a shelter-in-place order. Having a new furry friend in your life not only gives you company and cuddles, it also gives you purpose, direction and allows you to do some much-needed good for others. Not only will this help distract you from missing your ex, it’ll give you something concrete that you can point to and say “by doing this, I’m doing something to make the world a little better.”

And you should also date.

Yes, I know. We’re all under lockdown. But you may have noticed that the dating apps aren’t shut down. People are still talking, swiping and matching. Since you can’t be with each other physically right now, talking, Skype and texting — all opportunities for laughter and good conversation — are going to be of much higher importance. And if things go well, sex is still on the table. Phone sex, sexting, cam sessions via Skype or FaceTime… these are all ways that you can connect with others sexually, even if you can’t be there in the flesh. It’s not quite the same as an old-fashioned in-person hook-up, but it will have much the same effect. That validation of your desirability as a partner, the sexual connection with others and the reminder that your ex wasn’t the only woman in the world are all still available to you. You may have to be creative about it… but what’s a quarantine good for if not learning how to try new and different things?

I’m not gonna lie; it’s a rough time right now. But that doesn’t mean that the world has come to a halt. We’re still living, we’re still loving and still moving forward. Take the time to heal and connect with others — platonically as well as romantically.

You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: For the longest time I really didn’t care about love. I’m all sorts of neuroatypical, and it took me a long time to sort out my orientation and gender identity, so all through my teens and early 20s, I was already grateful to have a few friends. Dating was way too complicated given how hard it was for me to even get out of my room. But little by little I became better at all things social, and while I’m still much of a weirdo, I’m no longer a loner. So I started thinking about love.

About five years ago, when I was 21, I met my first love. She was an amazing young woman, and we became close friends. She was also very religious, and going through one s

tty boyfriend after another. Those guys would use her commitment, cheat on her, then flung her aside. She was in a really bad place. It brought us even closer since I’m a good listener, I convinced her to give therapy a try and she managed to get better – this was her doing, I was just happy to support her. Eventually I confessed, and she told me very gently that she didn’t reciprocate – she was totally straight. We remained friends of course. A few years ago she finally met someone worthwhile and she’s happy with him. I’m friends with both of them, and she still comes to me when she needs someone to listen to her.

Last year I met another amazing woman. This one was bi – making progress. But she was dating someone and seemed quite happy with him. I would have taken that as a non-starter, except this woman behaved very ambiguously with me, playfully flirting, caressing me, etc. I’m aware I’m bad at reading signals, so I showed our convos to several people who all told me this was 100% flirting. I would have been cool with her being poly or in an open relationship, but the ambiguity of it all was really hurting me; I was falling in love more every day while not knowing if there was a chance. So I decided to ask her point blank if her behaviour meant anything or if this was just her way of being friends – and as I’d suspected, it was the latter. Finally knowing there was no chance of us getting together was preferable to the uncertainty, even though I was disappointed of course. But she seems to be very much in love with her boyfriend, and while I’ve never met him he seems like a good guy. I’m of the opinion that feelings are fluid, and if you think of someone romantically then you can also be their friend. So even though I still get a pang of sadness when I see her, I’m really happy to just be friends with her, and I’m sure my feelings will dull eventually.

But as you see, I seem to have a knack for becoming friends with amazing people… who don’t want to be more than friends with me. That’s logical: when you’re this amazing, people take notice, and so by the time they meet me there’s a good chance they’ve already found the one. I hope I never stop becoming friends with amazing people… But I’d really like, at some point, to find one who actually wants to date me as well. How do I find someone like that ? How do I get to be the one, for once ?

Thank you for your help,

Sincerely,

Unsure and bittersweet

DEAR UNSURE AND BITTERSWEET: There are two things you need to do, UAB. The first is seemingly obvious, but I’m not entirely sure you’ve taken the step yet: you have to put yourself out there. It’s not enough to just decide “hey, I’m ready to fall in love!” and wait for the universe to provide. You have to make sure that folks know that you’re young, single and ready to mingle. Businesses have to advertise, writers and artists have to market themselves and single folks need to make it clear that they’re out, available and actively looking.

That means doing things like getting on the dating apps, especially right now, as we’re in the middle of a pandemic and everyone’s on lockdown. So the first thing you need to do is download the apps (I recommend Hinge, Bumble and OKCupid to start), get some great looking photos, fill out your profile and start swiping. It’ll take a bit of time as you learn how to spot what you’re looking for, but those hot awesome bi or gay singles — or even poly folks — are out there.

But for your next step… have you considered asking your friends if they had some single friends that they could hook you up with?

Here’s the thing: you may have heard the saying “you are the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with“. This is 100% true. Despite what Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat told us (Google it, kids), opposites don’t attract. With friends, as with romantic partners, we tend to attract  — and are attracted to — people who are like us. For your purposes, this means that your awesome friends are much more likely to have friends who are as awesome. Now, whether those awesome friends are a) your type and b) of a compatible sexual orientation is an open question. But just as you need to advertise yourself to other like-minded singles, you need to let your friends know that you’re actively looking and would appreciate if they’d hook a buddy up.

And seeing as we’re all under quarantine at the moment, you’re actually in a position to take the plague lemons that life’s thrown your way and turn them into a quarantini. If your friends do, in fact, have someone who’s awesome, single and leans your direction, setting up a virtual happy-hour (or tea party or whatever suits your fancy) is the perfect way to get to know them in a low-stakes, low-investment way. Rather than the potential awkwardness of your friends throwing you two together in a room and saying “I think you two would click NOW KISS”, you can have a social gathering that lets you meet them in an organic fashion. If you two get along over the course of this virtual hangout, it’ll feel like the most natural thing in the world to say “Hey, I had a great time talking to you; can I add you on Facebook/Snapchat/WhatsApp?”

Once you do that, you’re in a position to get to know each other — and do some low-key flirting — on your own time. And while things didn’t work out with your friends, you’ll be in a position for lightning to strike and love to find a way.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently started college, and I’ve come across a problem a lot that you addressed in your article on male privilege. It’s as if as soon as a guy finds out that you read comic books, play Magic, and game you’re some trophy to be won. I happen to be the only single chick of the sort in the entire group, and I’ve gotten really angry within the past couple months because of the mindset. I’d love nothing more to find a guy who can match me in wits and interests, but they’ve become just as big of douches as the guys I avoid.

How do I win their respect? It seems my knowledge and my mind aren’t enough to be taken seriously, my feminine figure is what defines me. Do you have any advice that would help me in this situation?

– Seriously Irritated

DEAR SERIOUSLY IRRITATED: My first question is “Why are you worried about winning the respect of a bunch of douchebags, even if they’re fellow nerds?”  S

t, by all rights, shouldn’t they be earning yours? I mean, yeah I can understand that these are supposedly your peers and all but if they’re acting like the same dicks avoid normally, I’d think you’d start looking elsewhere.

But hey, let’s deal with the situation at hand.

You have a number of options here, but I think ultimately the best thing you could do is refuse to play their game. If they’re treating you like a pair of boobs with an attractive hobby, refuse to engage them on that level. Whenever they’re treating you as “Potential Trophy NerdGirlfriend”, or giving you the “Isn’t it cute, she’s into comics!” attitude, shut them down. When they’re treating you as The Girl rather than as a peer, call them on their s

t. Point out exactly what it is they’re doing and refuse to be deflected, dismissed or derailed. This doesn’t have to be adversarial; your group may just be poorly socialized and not realize that how they’re acting and treating you is offensive.  To mangle a quote: never attribute to a

holery what may be equally attributable to being ignorant.

Regardless: stand up for yourself and establish firmly that the way they’re treating you isn’t acceptable and it’s bothering you. Make them work for your approval and respect, not the other way around. If things don’t improve – if they don’t start reforming their behavior, then you may want to consider finding another group. There’s no point in rewarding them with your presence if they’re determined to act like dicks.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 26 years old and am having what you could call a romantic dry spell.

I met my first girlfriend at 21 years old and we dated for about 11 months. After we broke up you could say that I deviated from my authentic personality and in an attempt to appear more manly engaged in some toxic masculine behavior which wasn’t me.

This helped me get a few hookups and some superficial “relationships/flings” which didn’t last more than a few months. I have no interest in getting back with her, but I want to meet someone new so badly. The problem is that since it’s been so long since I’ve had a long-term relationship, the process of getting into one seems so foreign to me now. My main question is how do I go about courting a new girl for a relationship after being out of the game for so long? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Sincerely

Confused and Frustrated

DEAR CONFUSED AND FRUSTRATED: I get where you’re coming from, CaF. You did the thing a lot of folks do after a break-up, especially one that really hurt: you went on something of a f

kboy bender. You decided to try on a different role and personality for a bit, let yourself be a bit more self-involved and focused on putting up a “f

k you, you can’t hurt me because I don’t care” front. Honestly, that’s more common than you’d realize, especially among the young. There’s a certain push to say “well, you need to act like this” and chase after things that you were told you were supposed to want. And, like a lot of people, you realized that all those “rewards” you were promised were not only what they were made out to be, but they weren’t going to be delivered the way you were told. 

Now you’re back and you’re ready to get back to your authentic self… and now you’re feeling like you’ve been in that other world for so long, you don’t know how to act in this one.

But the fact of the matter is that you get into committed, long term relationships the same way you get into casual ones. You meet people. You flirt. Maybe you start off going on actual dates. Maybe you start off with a fling — even a one night stand. It doesn’t matter, because how you start the relationship is a detail, not destiny. Starting things with an eye towards marriage, 2.5 kids and 1.88 cars is no more of a guarantee of success than going home with someone you met that night is a guarantee of failure. Plenty of life-long marriages started with a one-night fling that just never ended.

The difference between a relationship that stays casual and one that becomes more committed is simply communication. As you and your partner get to know each other, as you grow to trust each other and spend time together, you’ll start having a better idea as to whether this person is right for you.  If you decide that they are, then you and your partner have the Defining The Relationship Talk where you lay out exactly what it is that you want. If you want something exclusive or long term or with an eye towards marriage, then say so. Set aside time and say “Hey, I really like what we have and I want to know if we’re on the same page about where this relationship is going.” Tell her what you would want in an ideal world, where you’d like to see the two of you going and how you want to get there.

Or, at least, that’s how it would be if we weren’t in the middle of a global pandemic. Unfortunately, COVID-19 means that dating has changed for now, and we have to adapt with it.

But in its own, f

ked up way, this can be a blessing in disguise for you, CaF. Right now we’re in a point in time and history when casual hook-ups and flings really can’t exist. With the pandemic continuing and everyone having to self-isolate and maintain social distancing, we can’t really have casual or superficial relationships. Most of those can only exist at a time when physical chemistry and really good sex allow you to paper over the various cracks and incompatibilities that end up driving people apart. Relationships that shallow simply aren’t going to have the foundation needed to survive when you only have emotional chemistry to rely on. If you don’t have the shared values, the common interests and compatible goals as well as that good f

kin’, the two of you are going to drift apart like ships in different currents.

We’re in an era of mandatory courtship, where we have to go into new relationships deliberately and with intent. If we’re approaching people on dating apps, we’re doing so with an eye towards the long term because hey, we have no idea how long social distancing will last. So for the immediate future, we’re in a period of having to get to know our potential partners well, to have long and involved conversations about life, the universe and everything and actually pay attention to all the little things that we assume will just sort themselves out. We can’t rely on the easy distractions of flashy dates, last minute “hey, let’s go do this thing” plans or the many ways we focus primarily on physical attraction over emotional connection.

(Not that focusing primarily on physical attraction is inherently a bad thing, mind you, or that a relationship that’s mostly — or entirely — physical is somehow lesser… it’s just counterproductive for your goals, CaF.)

So the first thing I would suggest is that you check out my free workshop on love, sex and dating during quarantine (available here:https://nrdlv.co/2RLw8ch); I lay out what dating looks like in the era of the coronavirus, how to plan killer virtual dates and even how to keep the sexual side of things hot. Then I would suggest sprucing up your dating app profiles, and start some conversations. Find the people who, like you, are looking for something serious and long-term and start some conversations now. Get to know them, have those long, intimate and enthralling conversations over Skype or FaceTime or other video chats. Send silly Tik Tok videos back and forth, watch some movies together or play some board games. And as you get to know them and find the people who you feel are most in alignment with what you’re looking for, start laying the foundations for a long-term relationship. Talk about the future, make some short-term plans for after the quarantine is lifted and see how things play out.

You already have all the skills it takes to get into a long term relationship. You just need to apply them correctly.

You’ve got this.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com