DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First off, I’m really glad you do what you do. I’ve read through some of your material and it’s helped me so far.

Now, in order for my question to make sense I have to give some context. I’ll try and shorten this down as much as I can.

Met a girl through OKCupid sometime in 2016. Hit it off right away. She blew my mind and I was head over heels for her.

She was on again/off again with her (now) ex, and I met her during an “off” time. Well, I went to my first year of college out of state, and then transferred to a school in-state. So I was talking to here more once I was back. She was now dating her ex again.

From the beginning I could easily tell she liked me. That kind of attention and chemistry – I knew there was something there and it wasn’t just me. But she was still dating this guy.

Well, I was awash with infatuation and I wasn’t ready to walk away, so I stuck around. She was everything I’d ever wanted. Smart, passionate, a gamer and artist, had drive and goals, had a good head on her shoulders, good person, and drop dead gorgeous. Full package deal. Amazing.

From my perspective though, across the next 4 years, I felt… I felt like I wasn’t being treated well. It didn’t help that she was into me and was still dating her ex, and was torn, and dealing with her own emotions and life, etc – and I also let it continue. I couldn’t walk away yet. Wanting her was far greater of a force than sticking up for my worth. We would only hang out sporadically, and rarely. It was always last minute and was late at night or something similar where I was compartmentalized from the rest of her life. We never *really* went out and did stuff. It was 99% of the time at her house, sitting and talking or watching a show. Not that I don’t want that, but not at the expense of doing anything else.

Well, I walked away the first time in 2018, and she roped me back in. Then again about 6 months later. Then about another 3-6 months after that.

The last time she pulled me back into her life was at the end of August, last year. We met and talked for 3 hours, she confessed to having been REALLY into me this whole time (she had even had dreams about me during the time I had walked away.) and just… didn’t know how to handle that, didn’t feel comfortable with it yet, etc.

She said she only came back because she felt like she was over her ex and wanted to treat me right instead of as a recovery. She even kissed me.

Well, she’d been planning and working up to transferring/going to school across the country, and it was going to happen starting in January.

So I wanted to make the last 4 months she was here great: go on adventures, eat, have a blast, and have some fun in the bedroom. (Which she had opened up about wanting for awhile, but again wasn’t comfortable with it yet.) (we never did.)

So we hung out a few times, and then, of course, it felt like it went back to how it had been before: rarely seeing each other, at-arm’s-length, compartmentalized, etc.

I ended up not seeing her at all for about the last month of her being here, and I called her while she was at a hotel room in St. Louis while on her drive to school. Basically, I ended it. I told her that we hadn’t actually taken any steps forward and I needed to walk away. I think she knew the conversation was coming but was hoping it wouldn’t. When I told her this was it, she talked about how I was one of the only people in her life anymore that she felt close enough to and trusted enough to talk about things with, etc etc.

She then added that “I figured we would keep talking and stuff and we would pick up where we left off when I came back for the summer, just like I’ve done with… all… my… relationships….” (I used ellipses to try and show how, when she said this, she ended up slowly trailing off as the sentence went on, because I think she realized how shitty it sounded.)

I told her that it wasn’t fair to me to wait around and essentially twiddle my thumbs until she came back, with no guarantee of it actually being anything when she did. I shouldn’t have to put my life on hold anymore than I already had.

I told her that, if she reaches a point in her life where she wants me to be a part of it and I’m a legitimate priority, she should come and find me and we would see what happens. (A priority as opposed to what felt like just an option – because I was never really a priority – other friends, family, and other things were always more important or urgent than me.) it ended amicably, I told her I loved her and to “go be successful”.

I will say, up front, that I know I had issues of my own that were a problem. I had expectations, I had a lot of trust issues.

She has insecurities and self worth issues, and I was honestly looking to her to give my life meaning for a long time. Not the most recent stint, but for a long time before I was.

Sorry if that was a bit long winded, it’s a long story.

NOW – it’s been almost 3 months since she’s left, and we haven’t spoken since. I do still care about her, and there is a large part of me that misses her. That’s the same part of me that is considering contacting her and seeing how she’s doing. (In part to see if she’s ok, given the recent pandemic going on.) part of me misses her. Still wants her. Still wants to do all the things we said we’d do. I don’t want to have her as a regret in my life because we didn’t actually move forward. And I still want her.

However – do I trust her again and believe that things will be different? Is it a waste of my time and energy to invite her back in, given that she will be going back to school I’m the fall and, once graduated, be moving to that end of the country/somewhere else in pursuit of her career? Am I BS’ing myself in thinking that there really actually was a chance for anything to happen, or was she just not being truly honest with herself and didn’t have the same feelings? Was her indecision and at-arms-length treatment a much better indicator of her interest and intentions than her words?

And lastly, do I miss HER or am I really just struggling to feel like I have a chance finding someone else as amazing, or that I’m worth being with someone else as amazing?

I’ve struggled with feeling “good enough” for most of my life – one of my parents was always critical, even when given a compliment, and I think it created my struggles with self worth, or at least started them. I’m much better now, but I’m wondering if it’s really that I’m feeling like I have a better chance with her than anyone else because I’m “not worthy” of love.

I don’t know. I’ve been mulling over this for about a week, and I’m just filled with uncertainty. Is there a “litmus rest” or a question to ask myself in order to weed through some of these thoughts?

I hope you can help, I’m not sure what to do/how to approach this.

Also, probably way too wordy, so sorry for that.

Really appreciate the help,

Just When I Think I’m Out…

DEAR JUST WHEN I THINK I’M OUT: have you ever heard the phrase “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result?” That’s where you’re at, right now. The idea that a) she’s going to come back and b) things will be different is… well, honestly it’s kind of laughable, if I’m perfectly honest. I mean, dude. You’ve been in this pattern for four! YEARS! You know exactly how this is going to play out if you go back.

Now look, I get it. God knows in my time I’ve had folks who played the “go away a little closer” game that kept me on the hook for a while. But sometimes it can help to examine just what was going on with her… and why you’re having such a hard time getting over her.

I’m going to be blunt: you were never really in the running for being her boyfriend. You were, at best, a distraction. You provided her emotional intimacy and validation but that’s it… and always on her terms and her schedule. I mean, let’s start with the fact that she was in a closed, monogamous relationship and she’s keeping you around and telling you how into you she is. While it’s true that sometimes it can be hard to end a dodgy relationship and some folks will start flirting (or even sleeping with) someone else in order to force the break-up, it’s pretty clear that you were the guy she turned to because you’d give her the emotional intimacy and validation she craved, without needing to give you anything from her end of things.

You even say it yourself:

“We would only hang out sporadically, and rarely. It was always last minute and was late at night or something similar where I was compartmentalized from the rest of her life. We never really went out and did stuff. It was 99% of the time at her house, sitting and talking or watching a show. Not that I don’t want that, but not at the expense of doing anything else.”

I’m sorry dude but you were her emotional side-piece. Her “in case of feels emergency, break glass” pseudo-boyfriend. That’s why you’d get those last-minute, can’t-go-anywhere-we-might-be-seen hang-out invitations. She didn’t want to take the risk of word getting out that she was hanging out with you, while also giving you just enough to keep you on the line. It’s pretty significant that for all that she tells you how she’s SO into you and has dreams about you and wants to “treat you right”, literally nothing ever happened. She never treated you like a boyfriend or a potential lover. She gave you just enough hope to think that this might be the time you two finally got together because it kept you around.

Shit dude, she literally said that she wanted you sticking around until she decided to come back again. Once you said “Yo, I’m out,” and meant it, she couldn’t even keep up the pretense that anything would happen. It’s not that she realized how shitty things sounded as she said them, it’s more that she realized that this line was going to work this time.

So no. Getting back in touch with her would be a profoundly stupid idea. All you’re going to get is the 12″ dance remix of the last four years, with her dangling just enough hope in front of you that you keep giving her what she wants and receive literally nothing in return.

That’s no way to live, man.

Like I said: I get it. She’s a lot like an earworm; you’ve had this little fantasy playing in your head all this time and you really want to make things happen so that you can finally close the loop and exorcise the song. But that’s not gonna happen. It’s never going to happen. You’re a kitten chasing after a laser pointer; even if you “catch” it, there’s nothing to catch.

But here’s the thing: the reason why it’s so hard for you to give her up is because you’ve spent so much time on her. I mean, four years is a long-ass time to be carrying a torch for someone. If you were to give up now, it’s going to feel like those four years were for nothing, and that’s really hard to accept. It’s what’s known as the sunk cost fallacy; you don’t want to admit that you lost all that time and effort and so you throw even MORE at it in hopes of making things work. But it won’t. The only healthy option you have here is to write this off as a loss, learn from it and move forward.

And before you ask: no, there is no way to try to keep this to just being a “just friends” thing. That’s the emotional equivalent of playing “just the tip”; all that’s going to happen is that you’re going to get roped back in again and then having this exact same conversation three to six months down the line.

So you need to excise her from your life. You need to treat this like a break-up. That means it’s time to take the Nuclear Option and cut off all the forms of contact you have with her. That means deleting her number and texts, blocking her on social media, archiving all of her emails and gathering up all the souvenirs of your relationship and stashing them away. You want to put as many steps between you and your getting back in contact with her; the more effort it takes to reach her, the easier it is to resist. Right now there just isn’t any way that you can contact her that won’t end in your getting sucked back in, so you need to make it as difficult as possible.

And while you’re doing that? You need to put yourself back out there. You’ve spent four years hoping for a relationship that was never going to happen. That’s four years that you could’ve spent finding someone who is just as awesome as her — if not more so — but who also wants you back. You may never get that time back, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start now and find somebody else.

Letting her go is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. You worry about feeling good enough. You worry about being worthy of love and affection. Here is a truth: there is no expression of self-love and self-worth greater than to tell yourself that you deserve more and better than anything she was offering you. It’s not whether you are good enough for the love of other people, it’s whether they are good enough for your love, time and attention. And your ex? She very clearly isn’t.

To quote the sage: “I may love you, yeah, but I love me more.”

Cut her off and cut her out, man. It’s hard to let go of a dream, but sometimes the point of a dream is to wake up from it.

It’s time to start the next chapter in your life.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently, I asked out a good friend of mine (let’s call her Sara) and genuinely thought that she was interested in a relationship. We talked almost every day and related really well. She said no, and later, another friend of mine who had talked to her said, “Would you rather have her reject you now or find out in two months that she only dated you out of pity?” Sara and I don’t talk anymore because it’s too awkward, even though we had a brief conversation that we were both fine and that it wasn’t a big deal. Should I give up on being friends with her?

Caught Trying to Escape The Friend Zone

DEAR CAUGHT TRYING TO ESCAPE THE FRIEND ZONE: I’m a big believer that being turned down doesn’t automatically mean that this is the end of the friendship. Ultimately, it comes down to how you stick the landing — which requires an answer to two questions.

First: How strong is this friendship? Are the two of you willing and/or able to let this awkward moment pass without dwelling on it and letting it eventually becoming one of those fond memories you’ll laugh about years down the line? Are you willing to actually call out the awkward, so that it doesn’t become this weird thing that you both try to not talk about?

Second: Are you honestly fine with having been rejected? Can you honestly continue being friends with her without constantly moping about what you could have had?

The second one is perhaps the most critical. Guys will frequently insist that they’re fine, even when they really aren’t. It’s part of the way guys are brought up; we’re not supposed to show emotions or vulnerability, so the last thing we want to do is admit to the person who rejected us that we’re hurting.

So be honest with yourself: are you really ok with just being friends? Will you honestly be able to watch her date other guys without letting the jealousy eat away at you? Are you hoping that if you stick it out, you’ll get a second shot? The last thing any friendship needs is an agenda. If you’re thinking of sticking around in the hopes that one day either she’ll come to love you or that you’ll wear her down, then you’re not really being her friend.

If the answer is a solid, honest yes to both, then you don’t have to give up being friends. Just realize it’s gonna take some time at first to power through the initial weirdness and you’ll get back to being friends like before.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been married for almost two years now, and my wife is great. Like most people, I have my share of “what might have been” women. During my idle moments, I think about seeing if they’re on Facebook and seeing if they want to reconnect. It’s not like I’m looking them up to hook-up with them, and maybe part of it is to show them that I’ve turned out pretty well too. I can’t figure out why this interest comes up every now and then since it doesn’t seem connected to the temperature of my marriage.

Reading The Menu

DEAR READING THE MENU: It’s entirely natural to think about the people you could’ve (in theory) dated or hooked up with and what they’re up to now. Thanks to the ubiquity of social media, it’s even easier to track them down and get a glimpse of what they’re up to.

And let’s be honest here: it’s not just to show them that you’ve turned out pretty well… it’s also about “Are they still hot?”, “Is she still single” and “Could I still hook up with them if I wanted to?” It’s all about the fantasy; yes, you love your wife, but you like imagining that if the circumstances were just right, you could get another shot at turning “the ones who got away” into “the ones I had.” It’s easier to keep the fantasy going when you know that she’s not married to some bartender, joined a multi-level marketing scheme and joined a Home Owner’s Association so she can tell people what to do with their yards in the meantime.

Why do you do it even though your wife’s awesome and your relationship’s solid? You do it because you’re a human with a sex drive. Humans are novelty-seeking creatures, and that includes sexual novelty. Everyone — guys, gals and non-binary pals — fantasize about folks who aren’t their partners. It’s harmless fantasy and occasional fodder for when you want to just get yourself off. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care about your wife or that there’s anything wrong.  

The big secret about monogamy is this: being in a monogamous relationship just means you’ve agreed to not have sex with other women. It doesn’t mean you won’t want to.

As long as this is just an occasional imagined scenario, it’s fine. It’s only a problem when it starts occupying hours of your time and you’re spending time on Facebook, Instagram and the like trying to track down your former crushes. That’s when you need to start asking yourself some pointed questions about your relationship.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Rhere is a woman I really like, she is my roommate’s fiancee’s best friend (sounds more complicated than it is.) She and I have known each other and been good friends for over a year. I really care about her.

About a month and a half ago, we went bar hopping as part of a birthday celebration. We had fun and I wanted to ask her out, but one of our other friends introduced her to this dude at the bar. Now they’re dating, and it’s killing me. 

Waited So Long

DEAR WAITED SO LONG: Start dating other women.

It’s not going to help you get your crush, but it’ll help you get over the jealousy. Sitting around pining for her and trying to figure out how to steal her away from her boyfriend (or waiting until they break up) isn’t going to do you any good. All that means is that you’ll be missing out on the women you could be dating if you devote all your time to the one you can’t.

And next time, don’t wait to ask someone out. People can’t go on dates with you when you haven’t actually asked them FOR that date, after all.

He who waits for the perfect moment, loses. You hesitated. The dude at the bar didn’t. The dude at the bar got the date. Remember that next time.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My girlfriend and I have been together for over 2 years now and we’re still in high-school.

Her father has hated me for the entire time, tried to bribe her out of the relationship, and just overall show disdain towards me…

What should I do?

Roadblocked

DEAR ROADBLOCKED: Well that all depends. Just what is he offering? I mean, if it’s a car or cash money then, y’know, most high-school relationships don’t last past graduation anyway…

But once we get past the wacky CW television universe you and your girlfriend seem to be in, it all depends on what her dad’s problem is with you. You may be diametrically opposed personalities, or you may have been rude or disrespectful at some point and he hasn’t forgiven you. You may be the guy your girlfriend’s dating because it pisses her dad off, or it could be as simple as the guy doesn’t think you’re good enough to date his little princess.

And then there’s the fact that sometimes parents just plain don’t like their children’s significant others.

If you want to try to get to the root of the issue, then you can always sit down and try to talk it out with him man to man. Otherwise, you’ll just have to learn to pretend to ignore his withering scorn.

The only thing you can do to ultimately change his mind, however, is to demonstrate through your actions and your behavior that you’re a man of integrity, who treats his daughter with care and respect.

And consider telling your girlfriend to take the bribe and split it with you. You could always just continue dating behind his back.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m turning 30 soon, and my husband and I have been happily married for four years. We have no children by choice, but we do have some pets. We both work to pay the bills, though he makes a bit more than I do.

My husband and I are best friends. We play games together, go to the movies and out to eat, joke and laugh, tease each other, etc. We’ve even had people think we are friends but not realize we are actually married. Basically, despite being good in every other way, our relationship has no ounce of romance.

My husband’s normal routine is to come home from work, make himself some dinner (we follow separate diets so it’s easier for each of us to make our own food), play video games for a few hours, and then go to bed. Sometimes I will play games with him or get him to watch a movie with me, but that’s the only variation. Same thing on the weekends, just without going to work. We are intimate a couple of times a month when he feels “in the mood” (which isn’t very often because he has a rather low libido. I have a higher one, but I’ve learned to ignore it because it’s embarrassing to be turned down by him if he’s not in the mood).

Generally, I’m happy. But sometimes I go on social media or have a conversation with a friend, and she tells me how her husband brought her flowers for no reason, or how he planned a nice weekend getaway for just the two of them. And I find myself wishing I had a husband who did things like that (I know, I’ve probably just seen one too many rom-coms). And I get a little sad. My husband and I truly are best friends. But sometimes I want us to be more than friends. Does that make sense?

I have brought this up with my husband, but he just doesn’t get it. I told him I wanted to feel his love a bit more. He said he shows his love by paying the rent. I told him I felt less like his wife and more like his roommate. He asked me if that was a bad thing. He also frequently says he is happy and he doesn’t understand what I have a problem with.

I don’t get it. I have something that most women would covet. My husband is a kind, good man, and I never have to worry about him mistreating me or cheating on me. We have a great time together. And yet, sometimes I can’t stop crying. I guess I feel like I could be best friends with anyone, but I can’t be married to anyone. I want our relationship to feel more special, more like a marriage.

I’m not sure what I’m asking for here. God knows I’ve failed to make my husband understand thus far, so maybe I’m just talking nonsense. Am I crazy? Am I asking too much?

Too Needy For My Own Good

DEAR TOO NEEDY FOR MY OWN GOOD: Let me TL;DR this right up front: no, TNFMOG, you’re not crazy. You’re not talking nonsense, and you’re not asking for too much. What you’re asking for is for your husband to show you that he loves you, cares for you and respects you. Those are all things that should come standard in a relationship, and any model that doesn’t should be returned to the lot immediately.

You have two basic issues here that need to be resolved.

The first is one of miscommunication. You may have heard the phrase “love languages” tossed around here and other spaces. Without getting deep into the details, the idea of “love languages” are different ways people express and receive love or affection from the people in their lives. Some people, for example, express love and affection through physical touch — wanting to hug and be hugged, to cuddle and so forth. Others will express love through “acts of service” — doing things for the people they care about is part of how they show that they care. Other examples include “quality time”, “gifts” and a multitude of others.

The problem that often arises is that sometimes we don’t necessarily recognize the language our partner speaks, and they don’t recognize the language that we speak. So for someone who expresses love through touch and physical contact, somebody who is physically stand-offish may seem cold and distant. But the way they express love is by providing for their loved-ones — whether that’s through paying for their essentials, making sure their physical and emotional needs are met or simply doing things for them… and they may feel that someone who expresses love through touch to be clingy. Hence the dilemma; everyone’s saying the same thing, but they’re saying it in languages the other person doesn’t understand. As a result: everyone is upset and tense because they feel like they’re not being heard and that their partner doesn’t love them.

To bridge this particular gap, you and your husband need to have an Awkward Conversation, where you lay out exactly what it is you need from him and why. The “why” part is important, because he may not realize that his way of expressing affection for you is leaving you cold and upset. I realize that in an ideal world, he’d just do these things and asking him to do them makes it feel artificial. However, if he doesn’t know that this is something that you need, then he can’t provide it for you. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with telling someone “hey, here’re the things that I need from you”, and their having to consciously decide to provide them. Over time, it’ll become muscle memory and he’ll be better able give you what you need in an organic fashion.

And when you have this conversation, don’t forget to let him share his side of things — what are the ways he gives affection and the ways he receives them. That’s important too; your way may be more “traditional”,  but that doesn’t necessarily equate as being something he needs or satisfies him.

Now, in an ideal world, this would solve everything. But this isn’t an ideal world, and we need to talk about the other issue… in your relationship. One that’s more foundational and more complicated.

This relationship sounds like it’s very one-sided, with everything tilted towards your husband. It sounds like he sets the tone, pace and agenda for the entire relationship and  you follow it. In fact, you’ve been following it to the point that you seem to feel like you’re not allowed to advocate for your own needs and desires. Every relationship is going to be a balance of give and take… and it seems like you’re doing all the giving and your husband is doing all the taking.

Take the imbalance between your respective sex-drives. You — like a lot of couples with differing libidos — default to the pace of the person of the lower sex drive. While this is fairly common, it’s not actually fair; in a lot of ways, it ends up pathologizing the person with the higher sex drive. It sets them up as the one who’s just too demanding and if they could just get over this whole “needing sex” thing, everyone would be happier. And honestly, that ain’t cool. While nobody is saying that people should have sex they don’t want to have, making a point to please your partner and do things even if you’re not necessarily in the mood because you love them and want them to be happy is important. That doesn’t necessarily mean penetration, but providing an assist for your partner (without complaint or begrudging it) is important for everyone feeling like they’re a part of the relationship. Feeling like your needs are understood and respected is an important part of satisfaction in a relationship.

But this is just one example in a series of behaviors that make it seem as though your husband gets his way by default. The fact that your time together is always on his terms and the activities he wants… well, that ain’t good. I don’t think he’s being malicious, but it does sound to me like he’s being self-involved to the point that it doesn’t occur to him that you’re not happy. It sounds like it simply hasn’t occurred to him that maybe you’d like to do things together — and more than just the things that he wants to do. I suspect it may come from a similar place as the miscommunication in love languages. He may see this as “hey, we both do the things we want instead of forcing the other to take part, everyone’s happy!”, not realizing that for you, this represents a lack of intimacy and togetherness.

And while folding this into the Awkward Conversation may be a start, I think that it’s the sort of issue that needs to be discussed with a sex-positive relationship counselor. The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists have a referral directory on their site that can help you find a relationship counselor in your area. If you want to make this relationship work,  then I think you should make visiting a counselor together a priority. And if he doesn’t want to go, then go by yourself, at least at first. Sometimes these issues are best handled by having a trained third party who can help both facilitate communicating  your needs with your partner and finding a solution.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com