DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (she/her) have been dating my partner (he/him, let’s call him Greg) for a few months, and I’m beyond thrilled with our relationship. We’re really well matched in just about every way I could imagine wanting, and at this point I’m starting to really be able to imagine a future together. But of course, I wouldn’t be writing if there weren’t a little snag.

Greg craves my affirmation about his looks, specifically that he’s physically sexy, and I feel a little lost as to how to give it to him. Looks just honestly aren’t a big part of the way attraction works for me. I get turned on by personality, by conversation and interactions, much more than a pretty face or a tight bod. Intellectual chemistry, compatible kinks, a sexy voice, respect for my boundaries, genuine interest in my pleasure…these things are so important to turning me on that the way a partner looks barely even registers. I love Greg’s body, but the things I can put my finger on are, like, I like the way he smiles when we haven’t seen each other in a little while, I like the way his arms feel around me, I like the way his body responds when I touch him. But when he asks me questions about what specific parts of his body turn me on, or which of his outfits are the sexiest, I don’t really have a genuine answer. I love the way he looks, but I love the way he looks because he looks like him more than because he looks like some vision I’d rub one out to (because that vision doesn’t exist for me). That being said, I want to give him the affirmation he needs! I struggle with an eating disorder, in part stemming from the fact that I work in a field where I’m often explicitly judged for my looks, and my experience has been that “beauty is only skin deep”-variety platitudes are a lot less helpful than working on believing that I really am beautiful, even if I don’t look like a Victoria’s Secret model. So I know how invalidating it would be for me to respond to Greg’s questions about his physical appearance with answers about his personality. I know part of why he looks for this particular kind of affirmation from me is that he’s deeply insecure about his body, and I want to make sure I don’t give that abusive voice in his head any fuel by accidentally implying that I’m attracted to him *despite* his looks, which isn’t the case at all! Hand to God, if you told me that tonight I could have dinner followed by a night of exquisite passion with either my pick of People Magazine’s sexiest men alive or Greg, I’d pick Greg in a heartbeat.

I am desperately in need of a dude’s perspective. I feel like our culture in general is just lacking good scripts to tell men that they’re good-looking other than praising a few very specific attributes that not all guys have (rock-hard abs, chiseled jaw, the like). If I were dating a woman, I’d know exactly what kinds of language to go for. Pretty, beautiful, breathtaking, ravishing, compliment her hair, eyes, boobs, butt, legs, skin, lips… But I feel a little lost as to where to go for my guy. Even just how to reciprocate when he tells me I’m pretty! Handsome is toothless, sexy/hot maybe doesn’t hit the right notes when he knows attraction isn’t really a visual thing for me, beautiful/pretty just doesn’t quite feel right (although I know he’s secure enough in his gender that he wouldn’t find it emasculating, so maybe that’s a me problem?)

So Doc, help me out! What’s some language I can use to make my guy feel like the regulation hottie he is?

Words’ Worth

DEAR WORDS’ WORTH: We’re in a weird place, culturally, WW. Just as body positivity is starting to make serious inroads and more people are challenging gender norms, men are starting to find themselves increasingly targeted by the same cultural forces that women’ve faced for generations. And while it’s tempting to say “Hey, welcome to The Beauty Myth boys, hope you survive the experience…”, men’s struggles with body image and feeling desired are very real and can do some serious damage.

Body dysmorphia is on the rise in men, as are cases of disordered eating,  use of questionable (and illegal) supplements and drugs and people going to extremes to try to live up to nearly impossible standards. The incel community is a famous example, especially with many folks spending tens of thousands of dollars on plastic surgery — only to be disappointed when their lives don’t magically improve.

Greg certainly isn’t alone; I can’t count the number of letters I get from folks who are absolutely convinced that they’re too ugly to be loved. Even in the NerdLove Academy Facebook group, there’ve been discussions about guys who feel like they don’t measure up to some suitably arbitrary standard that would make them attractive… no matter what women say. Including the women in their lives.

So I understand your frustration.

I also understand the frustration that comes from telling someone over and over again that you find them attractive and it doesn’t seem to sink in. You start to wonder what the point is. Do they not get that it kinda sucks to be asked for your opinion, then basically be accused of lying?

But here’s the thing about that: it actually does help. More often than not, he wouldn’t be asking you for affirmation if he didn’t actually value or trust your opinion in the first place. Yeah, for the guy who’s asking for that affirmation, it can feel like “well, you HAVE to say that…”, but at the same time, the reason why he’s asking is because it at some level, it actually does reassure him.

However, sometimes it doesn’t quite sink in the way you’d hope. Sometimes it’s about the words. Just as conflicting love languages can cause miscommunication, different ideas about desire and attraction can make it harder to give somebody the affirmation that they need. While Greg is asking for affirmation and validation that you find him desirable, the problem is that he’s framing it in a strictly visual and physical sense. This is understandable; after all, we’re not just people, we’re also pieces of meat and sometimes a dude just wants to be objectified. But when your primary mode of attraction isn’t visual or physical, it’s hard to make that reassurance stick because he doesn’t connect what you find attractive with his conception of it.

Part of the way you can bridge the gap is to tell him exactly what you told me in this letter. Slowly giving him that run-down of qualities that turn you on — especially if you do so while also starting to get physical with him — can help penetrate that sense of “But I need to look like Chris Evans/Pine/Pratt/Hemsworth!” in ways that mere words don’t. Hell, make it an act of seduction and bang his brains out right then and there and he might get the point.

But sometimes the secret when you can’t find the right words is to borrow the words from someone else. And while a lot has been made about Shakespeare’s “My Lover’s Eyes Are Nothing Like the Sun”, I think the most effective words in your case may come from one Amelia Pond:

“You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful, and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later, they’re as dull as a brick. Then there’s other people and you meet them and you think, ‘Not bad, they’re okay.’ And then you get to know them and… and their face just sort of… becomes them, like their personality is written all over it. And they just… they turn into something so beautiful.”

Sometimes the most important thing that somebody could hear from their lover is that the thing that makes them sexy is that they’re shaped exactly like themselves.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I really enjoy reading your advice. You hit the nail on the head every time. Hoping you might have some for me. 

I’ve been seeing for someone for about 8 months who’s an absolutely wonderful person; she’s 28, I’m 33. We met on Hinge. Our relationship has been great. We see each other every day and sleep over at each others houses every night. Here’s the problem I’m needing your help with: when we began our relationship we had a healthy, normal about of sex but about a month ago it all kinda stopped. I think it’s me honestly because she’s done nothing wrong, I just don’t have a ton of interest in having sex with her. I love our time together. I love doing everything with her. She and I have such similar interests and outlooks and ways we want to do things and I just love her. BUT I’m only very rarely interested in having sex with her. Like more than a week can pass with me not being interested. To be clear, she is always down to bang, but she doesn’t really initiate it and hasn’t really complained about the lack of it. 

I have an extensive sexual history so I’m not sure what’s happening here but it’s happened in past relationships too. Tonight I cleared the air and brought up the fact that we haven’t had sex in two plus weeks. It didn’t go over very well. We were really honest with each other and she told me that she feels like she’s not good enough for me/feels insufficient. It’s not true because I love her and when we do have sex it’s awesome.

Should I stay with her and maybe schedule regular sex sessions? Should we get some counseling? Do I belong in a relationship at all? I really love her but sex is an important part of a relationship. 

Sorry for rambling, any advice you can provide would be appreciated.

-Love Her but Can’t Seem to Make Love

DEAR LOVE HER BUT CAN’T SEEM TO MAKE LOVE: It’s a biological reality that passion fades over the course of a relationship LHSCML, because we’re a novelty-seeking species. When we’re first having sex with a new partner, our brains crank out oxytocin and dopamine, which flood the pleasure centers of the brain. We are, quite literally, getting high off being with our new partner. However, as we get used to being with that person and the novelty starts to fade, our brains stop producing as much dopamine as it did in the beginning. When we start having sex with another partner, our brains go back to cranking out those higher levels of dopamine again because, hey, new partner! New experiences! Novelty!

Now we are by no means slaves to our biology, but that dip in desire is something that happens to virtually everyone. Part of making a relationship last is learning how to work around those changes and keep the spark in your relationship going.

The thing is… that’s usually something that couples face over the course of years together. Not months. Eight months is, frankly, really goddamn soon to be having these problems, my dude. The way you phrase it — that things were great, and then there was a sudden drop-off — makes it sound even more unusual. That would be the sort of thing that would make me look for external sources for a cratering libido — depression, a change in medication, new and unexpected stresses at work, that sort of thing.

If you mean that there was a tapering that you didn’t really notice until after things cratered… well, that’s a little more understandable, even if it’s unusually fast. That’s the sort of thing that makes it sound like you might have overestimated the level of sexual compatibility or interest you have with your partner. This is something that happens surprisingly often; we hook up with a new partner and because the sex is good — or even amazing — we tend to round up the connection to being more than it actually is. We turn what would have been a hot fling into a relationship… and then are surprised to discover that the passion dipped out.

This is one of the reasons why it’s important not to get caught up in the initial chemical rush — that New Relationship Energy, as the poly folks call it — and make more of a commitment than you’re actually ready for. It’s easy to get in over your head before you realize.

However, part of your letter leapt out at me:

“I have an extensive sexual history so I’m not sure what’s happening here but it’s happened in past relationships too.”

That makes me think that there are two strong possibilities here. The first is that you have a history of plunging ahead into relationships before determining if there’s long-term potential — both sexually as well as emotionally. The other strong possibility is that you’re someone who has a strong need for sexual novelty, and that the newness of your partner is something that fades fairly quickly for you.

If it’s the former, then your best practices would be to slow your roll and not leap into things with someone early on. Getting together every day and every night in a relationship that young is a great way to burn things out fairly quickly, especially when you barely know someone — and at 8 months, you’re still very firmly on the “on our best behavior” curve of the relationship. You might also want to do some serious interrogating about the various women you’ve dated and look for commonalities; are you unconsciously picking people you aren’t as compatible with or into? Or are you getting caught up in the thrill of the new?

If it’s the latter… well, that would necessitate giving some serious consideration to your relationship style. It may well be that you’re the sort of person who’s a dedicated serial monogamist; your relationships are passionate and dedicated, but last for a year or so before ending. That’s not a moral failing or a sign that you’re Bad At Relationships somehow, it’s just how you work. As I’m often saying, a relationship isn’t a failure just because one or both of you didn’t die in the saddle. The duration of a relationship isn’t an indicator of success; plenty of people have been in relationships that span decades… and were miserable through most of them. THOSE would be a failure, especially in comparison to a series of short-term relationships where everyone still has respect and affection for one another.

Alternately, you may need to look into some form of ethical non-monogamy. Having an emotionally intimate relationship with someone while also being free to get your need for new partners may be the compromise you need to make a long-term commitment. If that’s the case, then I’d strongly suggest doing your research; I highly recommend Opening Up by Tristan Taormino and Building Open Relationships by Dr. Liz Powell as a starting point.

(Full disclosure: Dr. Powell is a personal friend and occasional contributing professional both here at at my Kotaku column)

But those are long-term solutions, ones that will require a great deal of soul-searching and long conversations with your partner. In the short term, if you want to try to bring the sex back to your relationship, then part of what you’ll want to do is combat the boredom and same-ness that drains interest and saps your desire. If you’re having sex the same way, in the same places and at the same time, then you’ll want to switch things up.Exploring mutual fantasies, experimenting with light kink, adding complications or restrictions are all ways of injecting some much-needed novelty into your sex-life. Even taking it out of the bedroom or watching porn together might be a start.

But all of that’s going to depend on your having a serious conversation with your girlfriend about your sex life, including addressing her concerns about feeling inadequate. Because if she is feeling like she’s not enough… well, that’s going to be another complicating factor. Because — as cliche as it is — the brain is still the most important sex-organ.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Sorry for any mistakes; English isn’t my first language. 

I’m a fat, introverted, religious nerd. I was voluntarily celibate until I was 26; I wasn’t having any difficulties living without sex.

Everything had changed when I came across with a lone depressed girl. I couldn’t bear her tears of self-hatred, as she considered herself ugly while she wasn’t, she told she had no right to live if she’s ugly. My feeling of justice protested against that, and I started to reassure her. As we communicated, I learned she was a smart and educated girl, with high morals. One night I found I had a crush on her.

We communicated further, and she showed her respect to me. But I wasn’t her type, and when I proposed relationship, she refused. She was actually strongly attracted to someone else, but the man whom she loved was indifferent to her.

After a cooling off period, I resumed communication, now with purposes of friendship.

(I decided the relationship might be harmful for both of us, so I mustn’t ever dream of it).

We continued talking on various topics, she was pleasant as a friend while her mood was better, and I always tried to cheer her up while she was sad.

But after having read your article about “White Knight Syndrome” I realized I could be such one all this time. Leave her? But I literally feel pain while she suffers. Do I really have this syndrome, and what have I to do, if I want to see her happy and find a girlfriend for my own happiness?

Sir Galahad

DEAR SIR GALAHAD: Before we get into your letter, SG, let’s define some terms for folks. “White Knight syndrome” is a term for people — mostly men — who are drawn to women they feel that they can “save”. These tend to be women in a number of bad situations — poverty, chronic health issues, mental health problems, histories of trauma, abuse or other, similar issues.

These would-be White Knights feel compelled to try to “rescue” women from their distress… often without actually stoping to consider whether women want to be “rescued” or not.

The movie “Love and Other Drugs” is a great example of a man who thinks he can help a woman who’s suffering from a chronic illness, but never stops to actually consider her opinion on the matter or what living with someone with a chronic medical condition actually MEANS.

Here’s the thing about White Knight syndrome, SG: it’s almost always borne out of insecurity and neediness. A lot of folks, especially men with a particular nerdy bent are prone to gravitating towards women they see as fragile, damaged, lonely, weak or otherwise in need of being “saved”. To them, it’s an outward expression of compassion or empathy; they can’t stand seeing someone hurt, abandoned or what-have-you and want to provide them the love and care they need and/or deserve.

In reality though, this almost always comes from a place of a lack of deservedness and a desire for control. While most of the men who do this may well have good intentions, what they also have is a lack of faith in their own self-worth. The reason why they feel so drawn to “saving” women is because they don’t feel that they have anything of value in and of themselves. They want to “save” or “fix” these broken birds because by doing so they’ll “earn” her love and affection by doing so.

(And that’s just the well-intentioned ones; there’re plenty who are drawn to women in these situations because they feel like they’d be easier to control…)

The problem with this is threefold.

First, a relationship based on “rescuing” someone is one that can’t and won’t last. It’s patronizing at best; at worst, it sets up a severely dysfunctional dynamic between the two that all but guarantees an ugly ending. If, for example, the other partner is successfully “fixed” or “saved”, then she no longer “needs” her savior the way she did… at which point, either she’s staying in the relationship strictly out of gratitude or his insecurities will run wild because now he no longer has a reason for her to want to be with him.

Second: It’s deeply objectifying. She’s not a person, so much as a project; a restoration and renovation that you can f

k. Nobody likes feeling like somebody’s project, especially since it implies that the attraction is about her situation, rather than her as a person. And the people who do want to be treated like this… are almost always folks you don’t want to be in relationships with.

Third: Even if the first two didn’t apply — it was a perfect storm of a sincere and altruistic desire for help and a partner who wants to be saved — then the fact of the matter is that those would-be White Knights are never prepared for the reality of the situation. More often than not, they have a romantic and limited idea of what life with that person would be like. Whether it’s somebody with a chronic medical condition, someone with a mental health issue like depression, economic problems or other struggles, the aspiring savior has neither the training nor the experience to actually deal with it. The fantasy of the situation may be compelling, but reality is going to hit them like The Chair Leg of Truth.

Anyone who’s ever been a caregiver for someone with a chronic condition can tell you: it’s exhausting, frustrating and takes a toll that even training doesn’t prepare you for. Caregiver fatigue and CPTSD are very, very real. Similarly, many women who have done forms of sex-work will tell you about “Captain Save-A-Ho”, who thinks that she needs rescuing or who’s very upset to discover that dating him isn’t going to make her decide she no longer wants or needs to do sex work.

Which brings us back to you, SG. I’m sure your heart is in the right place, but it’s also coming from a place of every damn pop song about a guy who feels special because he is the only one who recognizes some random girl as being beautiful when she thinks she isn’t. It’s less about her and more about how special he is because he’s able to bring out the gorgeous side of her… and also gets her in the process.

While I don’t doubt that her sadness tugs at your heartstrings, she doesn’t need you to be her happiness provider. If she’s dealing with depression and suicidal ideation, then she needs a therapist, not a boyfriend. And speaking as someone who’s struggled with his own depression, I can tell you from first hand experience: you can’t love someone out of being depressed.

And frankly, a relationship that’s strictly based on her needing you to pull her out of the Swamp of Sadness is one that’s doomed to failure. A relationship is a partnership between equals, not one person “needing” the other to get through life.

I think the thing that would be healthiest — for her and for you — is for you to start letting this one go. If you want to date, then I suggest developing the things that make you someone that women would want to date, not someone that they would date out of a sense of obligation.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com