DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been dating my boyfriend for 10 months now. Recently, I have been questioning if I should break up with him or not.

My boyfriend is a year older than me and graduated college last year. I am currently a senior in college and moving onto my second semester. Next year he will be going to vet school and I will move back home to live with my parents to save money so we will have to do long distance for a year minimum. My boyfriend did not go to the same college as me, so our friend groups are completely different.

As we have been dating, I have noticed my friends have stopped inviting me out. It is partially my fault since I have put my boyfriend first. I have found it extremely difficult to balance my friends with my boyfriend. He is introverted so when we go out, he’s not as social as me and I feel that I have to stay be his side. He is an extremely nice guy and always puts me first. I fear breaking up with him because I am afraid l will not find someone as nice as him. I also fear that I am losing my friends for a relationship that might not even work out. I have tried to breakup with him before, but I broke down and couldn’t do it.

When we first started dating, I hated spending time apart from him and now I don’t mind it. I feel that I am keeping him around more because I am scared of being alone.

However, when I go out with my friends and not him, I have a great time and often think about being with other people. I am very conflicted and do not know what to do. My friends want me to breakup with him because they say they don’t see me anymore. But I don’t want to just listen to their advice, because they are biased, because they do not like how he is not part of our friend group.

Help!

Torn and Twisted

DEAR TORN AND TWISTED: So there’s a few issues buried in this.

First is the fact that your friends aren’t crazy about your boyfriend and how that’s affecting how you feel. While it’s good for our partners to fit in with our friends — especially if they’re going to be around for a while — it’s not the most important thing to consider. Your friends not liking someone can be a significant warning sign… but it can also be a false alarm. If they see, for example, that your partner treats you poorly and they’re worried about you, that’s one thing. If they don’t like him because they don’t approve of the guy or think you’d be a better match with someone else… well, that’s a different matter entirely.

And while people often feel like they need all of their social circles to be this large, overlapping Venn Diagram, having friendships and social circles that are strictly your own is actually important to the health, success and longevity of the relationship. One of the biggest mistakes that couples often make is relying solely on one another for their social and emotional needs, which ends up putting an absurd amount of stress on their partners and the relationship as a whole.

Now it’s understandable that your friends are upset that you’ve been spending more time with your partner than with them; they care for you want don’t like feeling like you’re being “taken away” by your new beau. At the same time, however, it’s pretty much a cliche for people to get caught up in the thrill of the new when they’re with a new partner. All that dopamine and oxytocin ricochetting through your brain means that you’re literally drugged by being in their presence; you’re getting high from being around them and you want to keep that good feeling going. Then as the novelty wears off, the hedonic adaptation kicks in and our brains quit producing quite as much dopamine… you start being a little less twitterpated and remembering that oh yeah, it’s been a bit since you’ve hung out with the squad, huh?

In an ideal world, we don’t get SO caught up that we neglect our friends… but when you’re young, it’s hard to keep a level head when you’re dealing with that New Relationship smell.

Next is the question of whether you would ever find someone else as great as him and honestly? Yes. Yes you would. If you were to break up with him, you would unquestionably meet someone new and awesome. Not because your boyfriend isn’t great or treats you like a queen — I’m sure he does — but because he’s not the only guy out there. To quote Tim Minchin:

Your love is one in a million

(One in a million)

You couldn’t buy it at any price

(Can’t buy love)

But of the nine-point-nine-nine-nine-hundred-thousand other possible loves

Statistically, some of them would be equally nice

Letting a fear of being alone keep you in a relationship is a mistake; it’s better to be alone because you’re alone than it is to be alone because you’re with the wrong person. And while breaking up with him — if that’s what you decide to do — would suck, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. As I’m always telling my male readers: as amazing as this person is, there will be others out there who are just as amazing.

But to be perfectly frank, it doesn’t really sound like breaking up is in the cards or something that actually needs to happen. Your biggest conflict here — such as it is — is that he’s going on to grad school and you’ve still got at least half a semester to go in your undergrad program. That’s not exactly an insurmountable problem. Yeah, you would have to do the long-distance thing… but it’s not like this is the 1910s and Johnny is going off to the wars.  It’ll take some work, sure… but all relationships do. Plus, there’s the fact that, while it may seem like forever right now, a year is really not that long in the scheme of things, especially when that time apart doesn’t also mean that you’re going to be completely incommunicado. You’re in a position where it’s not an incredible trial to stay in contact or see one another at regularly scheduled intervals, and having a distinct end date — one year — makes it that much easier to grit your teeth and power through it.

It sounds to me like the decision to break up is more based on “well, what if we can’t see each other every day?” rather than any real internal or external conflict that would make staying together untenable.

While I’m personally not crazy about LDRs, there’s really no reason why one wouldn’t work for you, especially one that’s relatively short term. If you care for each other and you’re willing to put in the effort to get past the difficulties that come with long-distance relationships, I don’t see any reason not to keep things going.

And honestly… if you do decide to break up for the time you’re going to be apart, there’s no reason you can’t circle back around to one another and get back together when you’re able to live in the same city again. If you’re right for one another now, there’s no reason the two of you wouldn’t be right for each other a year from now.

Ultimately, it’s up to you and whether you decide this relationship is worth the effort it’ll take.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a young woman and I recently began working at a new job. Right from my first day working there, the confident popular co-worker, who is kind of a “bad boy”, (I’m going to call him C to make this quicker) showed interest in me. C was kind to me, flirted with me, always tried to touch me, and just did all the types of things you’d associate with attraction. I didn’t like him back though, if anything I kind of resented him for giving me all this extra attention when all I wanted to do was to be left alone. I can be quite shy and socially-awkward when I’m first meeting new people and am adjusting to a new environment.

However, as I continually showed zero interest in C, he persisted;  although his efforts became less and less, it never went away. Later on, C was going through some personal issues, and he became very withdrawn and quiet. Eventually, he snapped out of it, but when he did his feelings for me seem to have disappeared. Also, during this period I had become much more confident and comfortable with my surroundings.

Although he pays some special attention to me now (not much), it is nothing compared to how much he used to. Lately, I’ve been thinking I might have some feelings for C, I miss the way he used to treat me. Does C still like me and is just giving me a taste of my own medicine by playing hard to get? Or has he really just lost interest? Does he not like me anymore because I’ve become less shy?

What should I do?

Thanks,

Hunted Becomes The Hunter

DEAR HUNTED BECOMES THE HUNTER: So before I get to your letter HTH, I’m going to go on a bit of a rant here. Because frankly there’re few dating strategies that make me twitch uncontrollably more than “playing hard to get”.

Now there’s some legitimate science behind the strategy; obstacles in the path to fulfillment tend to make us crave it more. And, in fairness, using a little “want this? Can’t have it…” is a useful tool when it comes to flirting. Building rapport then breaking it is a way of building sexual tension and increasing excitement until you’ve both reached the bursting point. However, there quickly comes a point where it goes from a flirty tease to a pointless exercise in trying to maintain an air of artificial scarcity for ultimately bulls

t reasons. The infamous “Rules” for example, insisted that being too available — which is to say, wanting to see someone as much as they wanted to see you — would inevitably diminish men’s interest in women. Similarly, men get taught that showing interest in women they want to date or sleep with gives up some vital advantage, because “who cares less, has the power”.

Honestly, the older I get, the less time and patience I have with these sorts of games. While playful teasing and utilizing a push-pull dynamic during flirting can be a powerful and useful technique for building attraction, throwing up artificial barriers only serves to hinder communication and makes people miserable in the process. Folks who play hard to get tend to get very surprised when the people take “not interested” for an answer and move on.

Which brings us back around to your friend C. I don’t think he’s playing hard to get or giving you a taste of your own medicine; I think he — finally — took your lack of interest for an answer and decided to quit hitting on you.

I mean, for weeks you were giving him him negative feedback. You made it clear that you weren’t interested and likely were giving off some serious “knock it the f

k off/touch me again and you pull back a bloody stump” vibes. Even for someone who’s only flirting for fun, there’s inevitably going to come a point where they hear “p*ss off” and decide to take it seriously.

(There’s a discussion to be had about just how long C was hanging in there and the appropriateness of his behavior in a professional setting, but that’s another column entirely).

And just between you, me and everyone reading this: it’s a little unfair to turn around and say “wait, I don’t want the flirting to stop” after you spent all that time telling him you weren’t interested. I get that you take time to warm up to folks and needed to adjust to a new environment… but he doesn’t know that. He just knows that you haven’t appreciated his flirty behavior and he’s decided to dial it back. Maybe his personal crisis had something to do with it, maybe someone in HR had a very pointed conversation with him, who knows. The point is: if you want him to know that you kinda like the flirting now and want it to start up again… well, you’re gonna have to let him know. Think of it like a stand-offish cat letting its human that maybe it’s ready for some light head scratches; you want him to know that hey, you’re cool with a little flirting now.

How do you do that? Well, while you could signal that you’re cool with it by responding more positively to what flirting he does now… the better option is to simply use your words. You can let him know that you needed to acclimate to your new job and you’re the sort of person who needs to get comfortable before you’re able to handle a lot of attention. You can also let him know that hey, you’re actually ok with a little more flirting now and that you even miss it a little. Then you take a step back and let him decide what his next step is going to be. If it’s a case that he’s lost interest… well this is something that can be chalked up to unfortunate timing. But if he is still interested, then now he knows he has a green light for continuing and he can begin giving you attention in the ways you’re ready to receive.

But none of that can happen unless the two of you actually clear the air. Someone’s gonna have to make the first move here. Might as well be you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I tried to break up with my girlfriend of one year last night, and after telling her I loved her, but I wasn’t in love with her, I started to cry and feel pain from it. She asked me why I was hurting so badly if this is something I wanted.

Some history on her side… she’s had more negative experiences than I’ve ever heard happen to someone. Bounced across the nation as a child because her broken family didn’t want her, had a series of really bad relationships as a young adult, got married, decided she was polyamorous for a while, then got into a series of really abusive relationships.

When her and I got together, she was raped by one of her exes, and I know that it caused a massive amount of trauma. I’ve been trying to be supportive of her. She’s not been able to hold a job for longer than a few months, has a lot of enmity towards people as a whole, and I feel like she’s needed something truly stable and solid in her life to act as a support.

We have been together a year now, and I feel like things have deteriorated. I have borne witness to emotional outburst with her while in public, been called names, and was told (in anger during our latest fight) that her dog comes before everyone else, that she’s been the only constant in her life, that her dog is the only one who’s never left her… that she could kick her dog, and the dog would still never leave (she doesn’t, mind you). When I tried to leave her last night, we both cried and hugged and said we were sorry for all the things said, and that I changed my mind and I love her, but we need to work on communicating, me being myself, and her being the best her she can be… but now, after the exhaustion has worn off, and I’ve woken up from a night’s sleep, I feel like I did right before I told her I wanted to end it… she’s staying with a friend for a day or two, and I’m here at home alone.

What do I do? Am I being manipulated? Am I not giving her the chance to heal and prove herself to me? Am I being a coward? Do I tell her “it’s not you it’s me”? I am so lost right now, I feel like I’m in an emotional storm with just a dingy, no oars, no sail, no life preserver… she’s had a VERY troubled past, much of which wasn’t her fault. Am I being unfair to her? I need help…

Sincerely,

Without a Compass

DEAR WITHOUT A COMPASS: Let’s be honest here, WAC: your relationship’s already over. You’ve got a foot out the door already. The only question remaining is how long it’s going to take before this relationship actually ends.

And that’s why you wrote to me. You want permission to pull the trigger on this.

I get that you feel bad about wanting to end things. Breaking up with someone can be incredibly difficult, even when you know it’s something that you need to do. You don’t want to be the bad guy. You start to second-guess your reasons for breaking up with them and wondering if they’re legitimate or not. You start coming up with reasons why you shouldn’t leave and why the things that make you want to leave aren’t bad enough for you to go.

Here’s what you need to legitimately break up with someone: you want it to be over. You can break up with someone for any reason. The reasons may not be “good” in the sense that you can point to them and have strangers say “yes, you should definitely leave”, but that’s ok. Break-ups aren’t like passing legislature; people don’t get to vote on your motion to leave or veto your break-up. If you want out, then you want out. Staying in to make a point or until you have a “legitimate” reason just makes it worse. Hell, imagine how it feels for your partner when you do finally leave and they realize that for the last however-long it was, you’ve been dying inside.

Now, if it helps: you sound like you’re being treated pretty badly. Blowing up at you, weaponizing your guilt at how you feel… that’s all damn s

tty. I empathize with your girlfriend for the s

t she’s gone through. She’s had it rough, and that’s a tragedy. But at the same time, having had a troubled past doesn’t give someone license to be an asshole to people who care about them.

What you need to do now is to end things, quickly and cleanly. It’s the kindest option. It’s going to hurt – it’s pretty much impossible to break up with someone and not have it hurt – but it’s better to make it fast than to drag it out. While in general I’m a proponent of giving your about-to-be ex an explanation, sometimes the only reason is “I’m done”.  And you, WAC? You’re done.

Do her the dignity of making it fast and direct. If you’re really worried about her, then give her friends or her parents a heads up that she’ll need them in the coming weeks. But stop waiting around and do what you know needs to happen.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My question is short but it’s been really bugging me.

I’m a 24 year old (mostly) straight male, social enough with a good group of friends and a reasonable past with women. I’ve had ups and downs but I’ve always said what I meant and tried to be sincere as possible. It’s been a little more difficult lately though.

Over the past year, I’ve come to realize I have some pretty strong feelings for one of the women in my group. She’s great and a good friend, we click really well though I’m savvy enough to see that she hasn’t displayed the slightest interest in me like that. She’s ace, too, though not aromantic, far as I know.

So my question is this- do I tell her about these feelings?

There’s a little bit of hope in my heart she might give it a chance but not much. If she doesn’t, I won’t be too devastated or anything. We’re both so far back on the scale of chill that I’m sure it won’t be awkward or anything. That’s just not me and not her either. We let things go easy. So that’s not a problem.

It’s more that I don’t want to put the pressure on her. I KNOW she’s going to feel bad saying no. But I really want her to know that she’s amazing and every bit of deserving of that kind of affection. It’ll be tough but the communication of those feelings is important. I want to learn about myself through that communication and hopefully she’ll learn something about herself. To be clear, that does NOT mean “she’ll learn she liked me all along!” Just maybe something, anything about life, ideas, feelings, romance. Is it worth saying something or should I just say nothing?

Thanks.

Hoping For The Best

DEAR HOPING FOR THE BEST: You know, if it was “Should I ask her out on a date”, I’d tell you to go for it. That’s fairly simple; either she says “yes” or “no” and the two of you go on about your lives with minimal awkwardness afterwards. But confessing your feelings for someone? That’s a different story altogether.

Let’s game this out for a second HFTB. Let’s set aside the fact that she’s asexual, if not aromantic. What, exactly is your goal in telling her how you feel?

You’ve already said that she’s given you absolutely no indications that she’s into you romantically. So… what do you think you’ll gain here? Are you hoping that your confession is going to make her want to give it a shot, despite not being romantically interested in you? If it’s just about your journey – learning about yourself through telling her – then you’re using her as a prop in your own adventure of self-discovery and that’s kind of a s

tty thing to do to a friend. What is it she’s going to learn about herself by having a platonic friend tell her he’s interested in her? Because, your protests to the contrary, it sounds like you’re hoping she’s going to change her mind about how she feels about you.

Let’s zoom in on this bit here: “I KNOW she’s going to feel bad saying no. But I really want her to know that she’s amazing and every bit of deserving of that kind of affection.” So… you feel like she doesn’t know this already? Like she needs your validation to feel that way, despite no indication in your letter that she doesn’t believe that she deserves love and affection? Because that sounds like you’re hoping that that this confession is going to trigger some grand revelation in her that will… what, exactly? Change her sexuality? Confessions of love aren’t magic. Unless they’re already interested in you, it isn’t going to change how they feel. Hell, most of the time, they already know; lots of people have the experience of trying to ignore someone’s crush and hope they don’t have to actually do anything about it. And to be perfectly honest, that’s 99% of what your friend’s going to learn about herself: what it’s like being stuck in an awkward position like this.

This isn’t something that needs to happen, HTFB. You’re not going to die if she doesn’t know how you feel. You don’t have a long-simmering relationship punctuated by moments of “Can’t Spit It Out”. If you just let things continue as they are… well, things will continue as they are and you’ll still be friends. You’re letting your hope that your love is so magical that it’ll overcome what you already know to be true: she just isn’t into you that way. So put “we’ll learn something about ourselves” rationalizing away. If you like her and don’t want to make her feel bad or put pressure on her, then just enjoy the friendship you already have.

A crush isn’t a mandate to act, and friends are pretty damn awesome. Don’t mess that up.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com