DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Short and sweet. I just want to know how unhealthy it is that my girlfriend continues to be friends with all these men that openly want to have sex with her.

Concerned

DEAR CONCERNED: Normally, this is the sort of question I’d pass over because there’s pretty much nothing here and one that usually gets a snarky one-sentence answer. But I decided to feature this one because, frankly, I get this question a lot and honestly, in a lot of cases the details don’t matter. Yeah, there’re questions of “have they actually said ‘Hey, Concerned’s Girlfriend, I want to part you like the Red Sea and plow you like a field’ or are you assuming this?” and “Have you talked to your girlfriend about how you feel?” but at the end of the day, this comes down to one singular issue:

Trust.

Either you trust your girlfriend or you don’t. That’s really it.

See, one of the things that everyone is going to have to get over is the idea that other people are going to want to f

k their partner. Some of those people may very well be their friends. Hell, those people may well be their close friends. Some may be secretive about it, never letting on that deep in their minds, they fantasize about getting some intense crotch-snuggles with your sweetie. Some will be faking being their friend in order to get there. Some will be quite open about it. And while it’s important to be open with your partner about how you feel about such things – letting them know that you might be feeling a little uncomfortable with the level of intimacy the other person is assuming or asking for, f’rex – the thing you need to keep in mind at all times is very simple:

It takes two to horizontal tango. Or to mambo with the mamba. To bring the Ark into the Holiest of Holies. To be banged in the butt by the Space Raptor Invasion.

So at the end of the day, the fact that dudes may line up for miles in hopes of getting into your girlfriend’s panties, Concerned, it doesn’t matter because no matter how much they may want to raid her tombs, it ain’t going to happen unless she wants to f

k them as well.

And don’t get me wrong: the fact that she’s hanging out with dudes who want to f

k her isn’t an indication that she is planning on – or wants to, or has even thought about – f

king them. Maybe she doesn’t know. Maybe she does and is willing to overlook things because he’s not an a

hole about it or because their friendship has always been flirty and that’s just their dynamic, or she knows and really wishes he’d drop the subject because otherwise he’s a decent guy or she knows but he’s never said anything so she’s willing to pretend she doesn’t know.

Now, maybe she does know and likes stringing those guys along. In which case the problem isn’t her friendship with those guys, it’s her personality, and you’re better off breaking up with her because Jesus, who wants to deal with that bulls

t? But the likelihood of that is so damn rare that you may as well buy some scratch-offs while you’re at it because if you beat those odds, you might win $75,000 at the Circle-K.

But back in the world where women aren’t conniving, Machiavellian schemers who mostly exist in the fetid and fedora’d imaginations of guys who they’d never date in the first place…

You don’t get to dictate who your girlfriend is friends with or under what conditions she’s able to be friends with them. Either you trust her, or you don’t. If you do trust her, then it’s on you to use your words like a grown-up and ask for a little reassurance from her because right now you’re feeling a little insecure and you’d appreciate it if she could help walk you back from the edge. If you don’t trust her, then it’s time to break up with her.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A few years ago I met a guy. I thought he was cute and we were both socially awkward. Two years ago we had an awkward make out session and that was the end of the crush, but we’re still friends.

I noticed after the make out session that he started getting kind of weird. I am pretty sure he’s a closeted transgendered individual. I kind of brushed off the signs like him always identifying with the female protagonist and his favorite shows being about people who felt like they were born in the wrong bodies.

Last year we went to a fan convention and he decided to dress up as a female character. When he asked me if he should do it, I told him to do whatever made him happy. I didn’t realize that by telling him to do what he wanted that it put me on the hook for having to emotionally support his decision.

He spent the entire convention making me do his hair and makeup. He asked me every five minutes if he looked pretty. He wanted to obsess about how his bra made him feel and how to avoid showing his underwear when he leaned over.

He also started a fake Twitter account where he pretends to be a girl. He will contact me to gleefully tell me that some guy is flirting with him because they think he’s a girl. He will ask me if I think this person is flirting with him and what should he say back.

I have never mastered the fine art of being a girl. I didn’t spend my teenaged years sitting around my pink bedroom with my friends talking about my period like the chick from “Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret.” I got sexually harassed and assaulted and consider it a miracle that I survived my teenaged years without committing suicide. I find it very difficult to get giddy and enthusiastic with this guy over things that caused me a great deal of shame and pain growing up.

Any time I try to make it clear to this guy that I don’t want to talk about make up and would rather go back to talking about Doctor Who like we used to, I get accused of being intolerant of his kinks even though he staunchly refuses to identify as trans.

I am trying to be tolerant. I think people have the right to do whatever they want to, but that includes me too who doesn’t want to spend days assuring a guy he looks pretty while he talks about how the underwire from his bra is digging into his chest.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this because he made me swear not to tell any of our friends he is doing this. I told a friend about it and she told me to keep it to myself because it would make me look bad to tell anyone that this guy is doing these things. I am incredibly depressed and upset and don’t know what to do.

Thanks.

Reluctant Girlfriend

DEAR RELUCTANT GIRLFRIEND: Whether your friend is trans or not is beside the point. The problem is that, cis, trans, non-binary or just kinky, your friend is kinda being an asshole. It’s one thing to be excited about something and really want to discuss it with a close friend. It’s another entirely to get pissy at someone you’re (general you, not you, RG) friends with and manipulate them into only talking about the things you want to talk about by insisting that they’re a bad person because maybe they’d like to talk about something else for once.

You’re right: the fact that your friend wants to talk about their crossplay or make-up doesn’t mean that you have to as well, especially if that’s something that makes you uncomfortable. Friendships go both ways; you’re allowed to have preferences too. Pulling the “you’re kink-shaming me” card is a manipulative and s

tty thing to do to someone when all they want to do is change the subject.

If this is them getting taking baby steps towards getting comfortable with their gender, then hey, more power to ‘em. It’s important to support your friends in times of crisis or confusion. But being a supportive friend doesn’t mean you don’t get to have boundaries, nor do they get to run roughshod over yours. This is a case where they’d do better to find someone who IS interested in talking about this. Not every friend in somebody’s social circle needs to share ALL of their interests or talk about ALL of them at all times.

So what do you do? Well, if your friend refuses to acknowledge your stated preferences and discomfort and tries to guilt you into playing along anyway… you break up with them. You can – and should – break up with friends, especially if they’re being s

tty to you. The fact that they may or may not be trans doesn’t give them a “get out of being an a

hole free” card, nor does their circumstances (whether their coming to terms with their gender identity or just discovering that they’ve got a specific fetish) mean that you’re handcuffed to them like you’re in The Defiant Ones. You’re allowed to stop being friends with someone for pretty much any reason, really. You’re not on the hook to manage their feelings or be their personal sounding board and cheerleading squad.

So let things end. It doesn’t have to be a big blow-up; you don’t have to make a production over dumping them as a friend. You can just as easily let things dwindle away – as friendships often do – by being less and less available if you prefer. But either way: give yourself permission to end the friendship. They can find someone who does want to opt-in and talk about make-up and boys and pretty dresses and you can find your fellow Whovians who want to come up with head canon about how Attack The Block is the time the Doctor met up with Finn from Star Wars and also how we really don’t need any more episodes about giant spiders, ever, thanks.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently I have been frustrated, solely with myself. Because in the last few years I’ve lost 40 pounds, made impressive strides in my career for a man my age, and went from not being able to talk to anyone to making classes/groups of people screech in laughter. I say I’m proud of myself because I am, but there’s one last hurdle I need to get over and I’m hoping you can provide perspective.

Women who I consider beautiful, and who I want to sleep with, try to sleep with me, and I freak out (yes I’m a virgin). One of two things happen:

1. I completely begin over-analyzing and ask myself  “Do I want a relationship with this person? Or just casual sex? Will I ruin my chances if I have sex now?” I basically twist myself so backwards that by the time I have made a decision, they have completely moved on.

or

2. I panic and just straight up say “no”. Even when I mean yes! I will admit it stems slightly from a fear of performance, but I’ve been really working to overcome that and don’t really feel like that’s the main problem.

When I take a step back and analyze the situation I walk away with this conclusion: I don’t know if I really want to have sex with someone because I don’t really know what sex is, as stupid as that sounds. Of course I know what it entails physically, but not what it entails on an emotional level.

I know the standard narrative is that men are pressured to have sex with anyone as soon as possible, but I feel as if that’s been reversed. All my good pals tell me I should wait for someone special, but in all honesty I’m horny, and I feel like I’m being pressured to wait for this completely unrealistic fantasy that’s never going to just walk into my life. I want to have the physical act of sex so I can grow and learn emotionally, therefor when someone I do really love comes into the picture I won’t panic like I do right now.

To sum it all up Doc, should I have sex with someone who I do like, but know I won’t end up with in the long run, or am I wasting a valuable emotional moment in my life? Because to be honest the lack of sex has really been dragging on me mentally, I will not say I’m depressed, but I do have some serious slumps sometimes. I get distracted, I become angry at people who I love, and I can get easily agitated at times. These aren’t horrible situations compared to others but I feel like I’m suffering and having anxiety all for something completely natural that people do everyday.

Sincerely,

Dude Who Wants Some Wisdom

DEAR DUDE WHO WANTS SOME WISDOM: First of all: congratulations! You’ve made a lot of progress in your personal development and you’ve taken major strides to become the man you want to be. That’s impressive, and you should be proud of yourself for what you’ve achieved. Which is why it’s kind of a shame that you’re hobbling yourself with these self-limiting beliefs.

I realize that I say this so often that it’s basically a cliche around these parts but… dude, you are seriously overthinking this.

There’re a couple things going on here. The first is that you are dealing with a particular kind of performance anxiety. Normally when I hear from virgin men who are worried about their first time, they’re worried that they’ll be lousy in bed and this reputation will somehow follow them to every woman they’ll ever be interested in… even if she lives in an entirely different city and has absolutely no connection to anyone he’s ever known.

Because women are a telepathic hivemind, I guess. Don’t ask me to explain it, anxiety is never logical.

You, on the other hand are worried about what having sex will do to you. Will you set yourself up for a loveless life because you didn’t have a perfect first time? Will you have ruined your chances of dating someone — either that person, or some person to be named in the future – because you had a casual hook-up? This is getting you so twisted in knots that you’re freaking out over the possibility of banging someone.

The other thing is that you’ve bought into the cultural idea that losing your virginity Means Something. That you should wait for Someone Special — ideally someone you love or at least who’ll net you major props from others for having your first time with them — and have some magical, meaningful experience. Whether it’s the typical right-wing Christian idea that you’re only ever supposed to have sex with one person, ever, or that someone choosing to have sex with you means that you have value, there’re a lot of messages out there that sex has meaning and impact and you need to manage it carefully lest something bad happen. Bad things. Very bad. Don’t ask, they’re so terrifying nobody can really explain ’em to you.

Here’s what losing your virginity means: it means you’ve had sex. That’s it. Everything after that is what you bring to it, not anything inherent to the act itself. Virginity isn’t a state of being, it’s just a case of having never had a particular experience. I’ve never jumped out of a perfectly good airplane, but letting that define who I am as a person would be absurd, as much as believing that doing so would lead to massive changes in my life. After you’ve lost your virginity, you will be the exact same person you were before. The only way it will change you is if you decide to change, a decision you could’ve made at any time. Like Dumbo’s magic feather, all this did was give you permission to unlock the potential that you could’ve accessed at any time, if you’d so chosen.

My recommendation for who to have sex with and when is: when you’re ready and with someone who is worth having sex with. In an ideal world, you want a partner who’ll be considerate of your inexperience, who you can communicate with openly and honestly and who is interested in making sure you have a good time. While you’re more likely to find that in the context of a relationship — romantic, friendship or otherwise — you can find casual partners who would actually be thrilled to be breaking in a newbie. Casual sex doesn’t mean being casual with people’s feelings, after all. So if you have someone you know who’s warm for your form and wants to hook up and you feel like they’re someone who’s worth sleeping with… if it feels right, then by all means, go for it. Similarly, if you decide that you’d rather avoid the question of “well, what if I might want to date this person,” then do your research, find a sex worker who specializes in what’s known as the “girlfriend experience”, tell her what you want and tip her well afterwards; an escort is far more likely to be conscientious of helping you have a good first time than hooking up with someone you just met at a party.

And incidentally: if we go strictly by statistics: the first person you sleep with is unlikely going to be the person you stay with for the long term. That has nothing to do with being a virgin or inexperienced, it’s just the nature of how relationships work. I know people who’ve been with one person their entire lives — and they’re happy as clams, don’t get me wrong — but they’re outliers, not the norm. So don’t let the potential longevity of the relationship be a major deciding factor.

The key isn’t to get hung up on What It Means. It means exactly what you want it to mean, nothing more, nothing less. That’s why it’s fine if you don’t want to date them, or you don’t know if you want to date them; having sex with them isn’t going to slam the door shut. I can’t count the number of relationships I’ve seen that started as one-night stands that just never ended. Similarly, waiting for commitment or what-have-you isn’t going to make things better or worse. If someone only wants to sleep with you, making them promise that they’ll love you until the end of time isn’t going to change their minds.

The thing to keep in mind is that just having sex isn’t going to make you grow emotionally or resolve your inner conflicts; that’s something you do for yourself. You can have had dozens of casual partners and still panic when you realize you’re in love with someone because Now It Counts. It’s all going to come down to how you choose to look at it. If looking at it as “something to get out of the way” helps you then that’s the best way to do it. If looking at it as “well, I’d prefer a relationship,” would be better for you, then you do you, king. Hell, you could decide you’d prefer a relationship, then take the opportunity for casual hook-up instead and that is just as right and valid a choice. Regardless of which way you decide to go: just make sure it’s someone worth sleeping with… which is my advice for whether its’ your first partner or your hundredth.

It’ll be fine, my dude, and once it’s all said and done, you’re going to wonder why you were so worried about it all.

You’ve got this.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader, first time emailer. This one is a bit of a doozy, and I am very much at fault, but I need your advice on how to move forward.

My girlfriend and I (let’s call her K) have been dating for nearly 5 years. We’ve going through a tough year. We both moved back to our old town after a few years away for work, but have struggled to reacclimatize. The city just isn’t quite the same, moving was a nightmare, but we hate our new jobs (she’s stuck because she needs to work off a student loan and I’m stuck because there’s very few options in my field of tertiary IT education in my country). As a result, we have constantly been up and down in our relationship this year, and every time I felt like we got to a good place, something would come and set us back again. We really love each other though, and we’re committed to making this work through all the shit. 

A recurring issue in our relationship is sexual imbalance. K is a highly sexual person and, though I used to be, the stress of moving and work the last 3 years has killed my libido and made me pretty vanilla (to the point where I was scared of toys because of the threat they posed to my shitty fragile masculinity, even though I know that’s not actually the case). I will admit I’ve probably gotten too comfortable in my relationship. Every very time K would bring up this issue, I really would try to be more attentive, but would eventually fall back into old habits. It’s hard to maintain a healthy sex life when I’m feeling like shit in my work life, but maybe that’s just an excuse. I know sexual incompatibility is another bad sign, but like I said, we’re committed to working through it. 

Now for the really shitty bit. About 6 weeks ago, I knowingly cheated on K with an old flame (let’s call her Z). Z and I had kept in touch bit from time to time (first mistake). She texted me saying she wanted to come over to see me on the pretense of seeing my dog who is really cute (first red flag). So when K went away on holiday, I invited Z to our house. I didn’t really want to, but she kept pestering me, and I kinda wanted someone to talk to about K – we were in another rough patch dealing with the sexual issues. So she came over and we had a few drinks (though we weren’t drunk) and spoke about our respective relationships and their struggles (Z is polyamorous, but had been struggling with her partner being very stressed, affecting their sex life).

It felt really good to open up to someone about K, especially the intimate things, because I often kept this stuff bottled up. We were getting physically close through most of these conversations, and at some point she started spontaneously giving me a massage (second red flag).

And then it all went downhill. We started kissing, which very quickly led to sex. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was being selfish and in my head I really just needed a win because of my issues with K being because of me. I figured she was in a similar mindset, though she knew full well what she was enabling me to do. I guess we both needed a win.

I thought that was the end of it once she’d left. I knew what a shit thing I’d done. I’ve been struggling all year with depression and self sabotage is a bit of a pattern in my relationships (though not with cheating). So I kinda hated myself for it, but it did give me perspective. I loved K and wanted to throw myself into our relationship as penance for what I’d done. 

Soon after, Z texted me again, feeling terrible that she’d helped me cheat on K. I needed to fix this, she said – which meant telling K about what I had done. My stance on this was that no, K didn’t need to know about this thing that was once, meant nothing at the end of the day and was over. She blackmailed me saying that if I ever proposed to K, I better have told her first, or she would. We fought back and forth over text, ended up basically telling each other to fuck off and blocking each other on all social media. I thought that was the end of it.

Now comes the really fucked up part. To cover my tracks, I blocked Z on all of my, AND all of K’s social media (through access to her phone). Like I said, I took the approach that not telling K would be the best option. It was over. 

Fast forward to this past weekend, K and I are back in a good place, and went down to somewhere we used to live for the weekend. Knowing this was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I proposed to her, and she said yes. I wasn’t thinking about Z, and I thought I’d covered my tracks well and was working through my own self destructive behaviour by being a better person for K. 

Turns out I’d forgotten to block Z on K’s Instagram, and the day after our social media announcement I got a text from Z that she hoped I’d told K first , because she was going to. I hopped out of bed, took K’s phone while she was sleeping (wow, I’m a dick) and scoured it to find Z following K on Instagram. I blocked her immediately (no traces of any threatened message) and thought I would be okay. Until Z started making multiple alt accounts and following both of us. She was on a warpath.

Backed into a wall, the weight of my actions crashed down on me and after much deliberation, I caved into Z’s blackmail. I told K before she could. 

K was terribly hurt, and I’ve put her in a shitty position now – she can’t take back all the well wishes on our engagement, or tell anyone about my infidelity because there’s no way they would let her stay if they knew. She says she forgives me (to an extent) and understands the cocktail of shit that led me to this shit show. We are both pretty much going through the five stages of grief about this. 

I have promised to be better, and am taking steps to go and see a therapist to work through my fucked up psyche (about a year too late but better late than never) and we’re going to see K’s therapist together later this week for couples counseling. 

The only bright side to this is that Z has thankfully disappeared (I don’t even even want this to be posted on Kotaku in case she sees and it stirs up a shit storm), and that K loves me (and our dog) enough to want to stick around and try to work through this.

It’s really hard. I am wracked with guilt. I love this person and I feel like we can build our future together on a clean slate now that everything is out in the open. She loves me, but worries whether love is enough. I keep asserting that it is because I don’t want to lose her. Uncoupling also brings with it a host of logistical problems that aren’t worth it, especially if we can (which I believe) work through this.

I know it will take time, and that I’m probably doing most of the good things to fix things already. I just feel like shit, and I guess I’m looking for some sort of affirmation that this will pass and we’ll be okay. I know that’s not your job and I’m probably going to get realtalked into the ground, but even typing this out has been cathartic, so at least that has helped somewhat.

I feel like shit, I need help, and I can’t bear to lose her. 

Engaged Pile of Poo

DEAR ENGAGED PILE OF POO: Hoo boy. Someone call the bellhop because we have a LOT to unpack here.

First of all, EPP: this was a mistake that didn’t need to happen. Hell, it was one that couldn’t have happened if you hadn’t set yourself up to make it in the first place. This wasn’t just a case of “whoops, I slipped and failed my Wisdom saving throw“, it was a series of steps that you actively participated in. If you look back, you can see all the ways that you set yourself up to be in a position where you would cheat. You could’ve headed this off at the pass on multiple occasions. You and Z set things up in such a way that it was more or less inevitable that you were going to “accidentally” end up fucking each other; you stripped away any obstacles that stood between your dick and your ex. Any one of these on its own could be innocent and perfectly acceptable. All of them together lead to making a “oops how’d that get in you” a certainty.

Let’s with the fact that you weren’t talking about your issues with any of your platonic friends.

One of the great disadvantages that men have saddled themselves with is that we lack the support network that women have; having people that you can actually open up to and get support from is a major lack in our lives. We tend to rely on our partners for all of our emotional needs, which is troublesome enough. But when our partners are the problem, we’re left with virtually nobody to turn to in hour hour of need. And while I’m a huge and active proponent of being friends with your exes, I’m thinking maybe it wasn’t a great idea to look to someone you used to sleep with to get support about sexual incompatibility issues with your girlfriend… at least, not if you weren’t planning on leaving her, anyway.

But hey, plenty of folks are able to talk with their exes about sex without cheating, which is why this was just a step towards the inevitable. The next step was having her come over to your house while your girlfriend was out of town. Again: it’s entirely possible, even permissible for you to hang out with your ex at your place, while your girlfriend wasn’t around under entirely different circumstances. The fact that it’s the first time you’ve seen her in person in quite a while… well, that brings up all sorts of very pointed questions about just why you’re hanging out with her now, at this specific time and that specific place.

This alone is a pretty good indicator of just where your head was at, my dude. I mean, there wasn’t any logistical need that mandated you meet up at that time and in that location. If all Z wanted to do was see your dog, you could just have easily met at the dog park. Or a Starbucks. Or any other place that didn’t have easy access to your bedroom. Yes, you could have gone from any of those places to your place, her place, even a hotel room… but those would be a series of extra steps, which would’ve given you more opportunities to change your mind.

The fact that Z was pestering you to come over was both red flag and another time you could have pulled things up short. Z being insistent should have been an indicator that things were getting hinky. Saying “you know what, no, I don’t think it’d be a good idea for you to come over” would’ve nipped this in the bud — not only because it would’ve put one more barrier between you and sex, but because it would’ve likely thrown off Z’s hopes to fuck you. Because let’s be real: she was angling for this too.

I suspect that if i had the transcripts of your messages together, I could pinpoint exactly where the two of you decided you were gonna fuck. You may not have said it out loud — it’s a lot harder to downplay it if you say the words — but I’m more than willing to bet that there’s a point where the two of you knew exactly what was going to happen.

And so it did.

So the deed was done and there’s no undoing it. And while I know this is a stance that a lot of folks disagree with, I think you made the right choice in trying to stuff this down the memory hole. Telling K at this point would’ve just caused unnecessary pain to her. Your penance wasn’t trying to fix your relationship with K — and honestly, referring to trying to save your relationship as “penance” is kinda weird dude — it’s having to live with the guilt.

At least it would have been if Z didn’t seem invested in blowing up your relationship. Frankly, her insisting that you have to come clean to K and nominating herself as the enforcer of your morality is, to use the technical term, fucking bananas. It reads somewhere between her trying to absolve herself of guilt for her actions by trying to force you to make amends — something that’s frankly none of her business — and trying to detonate your relationship so that she could have you back.

I suspect the former moreso than the latter; both of you are taking a lot of “well if I do this, then I won’t be ‘The Asshole’,” which is a bad place to be making decisions from. We’ll come back to that in a second.

As it is, the first rule of being blackmailed is to take away their leverage. Once she started trying to hold your cheating over your head, you should have immediately come clean to K. It would have sucked like a turbocharged Hoover, but it would have put you in a position where you could start the healing process sooner and defanged Z in the process. Trying to cover your tracks only ever makes things worse; as the saying goes, it’s not the crime, it’s the cover-up. The fact that you had to go into K’s accounts to try to cover your ass is, in a way, as much of a violation of trust as cheating.

I bring all of this up, not to rub your nose in just how badly you fucked up — because boy howdy did you — but to illustrate just how many steps it took to get to this place. The more you understand what led you to where you are now, the more you can get an idea of why… and what you need to do now.

Now, as for dealing with the consequences of your actions… well, at the very least, I think talking to a therapist is a good idea. If self-sabotage is a part of your pattern in relationships, then it’s going to be important for you to start getting a handle on that. After all: if you hit another low point and you haven’t started to get your shit together, then this will happen again. Maybe not in the same way, but you will find another way of slamming on the relationship self-destruct button… one that may actually stick this time.

However, I think doing couples counseling with K’s therapist is a mistake. And I’m not the only one. After all, Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor. So I reached out to my friend and real doctor and psychologist, Dr. Liz Powell. Here’s what she had to say:

“You definitely need your own therapist and a couple’s therapist. However, I would strongly recommend against seeing your fiancé’s therapist for couples work. Since K and the therapist already have a relationship, it would be impossible for the therapist to be objective in working with you as a couple. In addition, unless there just aren’t therapists in your area, it’s not ethical for her therapist to be both K’s individual therapist AND your couples therapist.”

So there you have it: get a different couple’s counselor.

But if I’m being perfectly honest: I think it may be worth asking yourself whether this is a relationship you actually want to save. The way you frame things in your letter makes me wonder if your desire to fix things is less about genuinely wanting to stay and more about doing this to salve your conscience and reassure you that you’re a Good Person. The problem is that doing something shitty then feeling bad about it — whether it’s getting bent out of shape about sex toys or cheating on your partner — doesn’t make it better. Self-awareness is a lovely thing, but it’s absolutely pointless on its own. Awareness without action and initiative is just intellectual masturbation, especially when it’s about things you know you’re fucking up on.

So I think more than worrying about this relationship, you need to be focusing on you; all the couple’s counseling in the world isn’t going to fix your relationship if the underlying issues — your issues — aren’t being addressed too. At best, all you’re doing is buying yourself time before you have the exact same problem you had before, just with new details.

As it is, I can’t help but feel like there’s a vibe of “I’m doing this because I’m afraid to end things” or “I don’t know if I can find anyone else” rather than wanting to save this relationship with this person. It may be that this was as much of a sign that this relationship isn’t serving your needs and you’d be better off using the couples counseling as a means to ease the transition out of the relationship.

But hey, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe getting busted and blackmailed by your ex was the head-shot from the Chair Leg of Truth that brought you to your senses. But if that’s the case, my advice is the same: therapy for you and a different and entirely independent couple’s counselor for the two of you.

And in the future? You’re going to have to be the guardian of your fiancé’s trust from now on. If you’re going to make this work, you’re going to have to be a saint who is absolutely aboveboard on everything if you want her to be able to trust you again.

That’s going to take a lot of work.

So now it’s time to get started.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com