DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My question concerns whether to compete, and if so, how to compete, for a woman’s attention with another guy. As background, I’m 28 and have been without a relationship/or any meaningful dating activity for about two years. Besides a great relationship that lasted a couple years, I have never had much success in the dating department. That means I am nearly 29 years old, but with the dating skills of your average high school student (and this question practically shouts that from the rooftops). I know that I can make a relationship work once I get in such a position, but getting there for someone like me is tough. 

I started taking German classes after work last week as part of my attempt to meet more people and hopefully find a date. It’s a small class.  There are 6 students, and we all sit along a table, four guys and two girls. There is an amazing girl (classic beautiful, and a huge brain and warm personality to boot) in the class, and two other guys are obviously interested in her along with me. Unfortunately, I am developing a severe case of “Oneitis.” It is especially unfortunate, because from the way the seating is arranged, I don’t have the opportunity to work with her during partner exercises. The guy who gets to work with her is, admittedly, a much better catch than me. He is handsome, athletic, and has that reserved, detached cool of an ER surgeon. I, on the other hand, am more like a self-conscious golden retriever. I am friendly, but not at all cool, and sit squarely in the middle of the bell curve on most measures in life.  I can barely focus on grammar and the like because I am too busy dying a little bit inside while she smiles her awesome smile and he tries to make her laugh with jokes about Paris Hilton. Doc, it kills me! I want to be in his shoes! I want a shot! If that dude wasn’t in class, I would already have introduced myself and asked for a drink.  But now its tough, because making a move during class would be seriously weird, and after class, there will always be at least one guy vying for her attention while we walk to the parking lot. 

At this point, I regret signing up for the class, because now I have 10 more weeks of watching another guy have a perfect opening with this amazing woman for whom I would happily poke out my eye with a sharp stick. I am not confident enough in the force of my personality or the awesomeness of my life to compete for her attention with this other guy, but I don’t think I could bear to watch if things kept moving forward between them without doing something, anything. 

What should I do here? 

2nd Place

DEAR 2ND PLACE: First of all: good for you on getting out there and taking some classes. It’s a good way of making yourself a more interesting person while you’re trying to meet someone new.

Now having said that: slow your goddamn roll son. You’re locking yourself into a “what-if” death spiral. I’ve always said that nerds have the worst superpower in the world: they can perfectly map out all the horrible way that everything will go wrong and it freaks them out.

This is exactly what you’re doing. You’re imagining every possible worst-case scenario and reason why you can’t possibly do anything and you’re letting it intimidate you into not doing a damned thing. You need to quit war-gaming every scenario or thinking “if only I had X” or “if only there was a chance to do Y”; these are nothing more than self-limiting beliefs that slow you down and hold you back. The more time you’re wishing for something to happen is time you’re not spending making something happen. And if you’re not going to make your move, somebody else will.

Let’s run it down a little here.

Limiting Belief #1: Oneitis

By focusing like a laser on your in-class crush, you’re investing her with far too much importance and setting yourself up for failure. It’s one thing to think “hey, cute girl, probably awesome, I’d love to date her.” It’s quite another when your attitude is “She’s God’s special angel and she’s made of light.”

Look, I’m sure she’s cute and has all sorts of amazing qualities, but she is just a woman, singular. There hasn’t been some sort of weird apocalypse and now she’s the last woman on Earth. She’s not your one chance at true love and if you miss out you’re doomed to be single for the rest of time. She’s a person. Same as you are. She puts her pants on one leg at a time.

She’s just the only one you’re spending your time on.  There are hundreds, thousands even at the school where you’re taking classes. Tens of thousands or more in the town where you live. Millions in your state. If you ask her out and get shot down… well, that sucks and I’m sorry for you, but it won’t be the end of the world.

Limiting Belief #2: You’re Competing With Someone

The instant you start having a dick-measuring contest with someone over “who’s got a better chance”, you’ve lost. You’re spending precious time and mental energy trying to weigh your pros and cons versus his pros and cons… and you have no idea what his pros and cons really are.

You, my friend, are comparing your unedited raw footage to his highlight reel and you’re letting it screw you over.

When you’re finding yourself in “competition” with other people, what you’re really doing is psyching yourself out. You’re too busy looking for weaknesses in yourself to think about how awesome YOU are and how much you have to offer. You’re spending too much time trying to measure up against other people using a bulls

t metric and not enough time building yourself up into an even more interesting and charming person.

You can’t look at other people as your competition. You can be inspired by them. You can envy them. But the only person you should be competing with is yourself, otherwise you’re going to be seeing every other person out there as a potential adversary instead of, say, a friend. Or even an ally.

There will always be people who are handsomer than you (general “you”, not you specifically, 2nd Place), funnier than you, richer than you, whatever-er than you… if you get together with this girl, are you going to spend your life looking over your shoulder for fear that someone better than you is going to come around and snatch her out from under you? Or are you going to live the best life you can and show her just how much value you have?

Limiting Belief #3: He Has A Better Chance Than You Do

You know next to nothing about this woman. You don’t know what she wants. You don’t know that this guy is her type. For all you know, she likes guys just like you – a little sheepish, maybe not the handsomest or cleverest but with a great heart. But it doesn’t matter whether that’s true or not because you’ve apparently decided it for her.

Right now: yes, he does have a better chance… because you’ve already surrendered. You’ve effectively conceded the game to him and you haven’t even gotten on the field yet.

The only way you can know for sure whether he has a better chance than you is if you get in there and make your play. She may still end up dating him… but she definitely won’t be dating you if you don’t actually make your move.

Limiting Belief #4: Wrong Time, Wrong Place

You say if it weren’t for this guy, you’d ask her out for a drink.

Well, why haven’t you already?

OK, so maybe it’d be weird in class. But after class… oh noes, more people want to talk to the pretty girl!

Guess what my dude. There’s always going to be a reason why it’s not the “right time”… and the more you wait for the “right time” or the “right place”, the more chances you’re giving other people to ask her out before you do. If you don’t make your move, somebody else will.

OK, look I get that the guy’s intimidating. But unless he’s actively c

kblocking you, the only thing really getting in your way is… well, you. You’re psyching yourself out again because you’re afraid of being rejected. And I understand. I really do. Rejection sucks. It hurts, literally. But that’s the price of entry when it comes to dating. You need to reach down into your core and say “You know what? F

k this. I’m tired of being intimidated. I’m tired of being cowed. I am going to go ask her out and let the chips fall where they may.” Pull her aside with “Hey, can I talk to you for a moment?” and ask her out for that drink. Ask her after class, even with the looming “threat” of other guys vying for her attention. Ask her before class.

But you have to ask her.

There will never be a “right” moment, just the moment you make.

Limiting Belief #5: Your Life Isn’t Awesome Enough

Too many guys seem to think that they need to be perfect in order to get a girl. They need the Ryan Reynold’s washboard abs, Ryan Gosling’s dreamy eyes, George Clooney’s smoulder, Kanye’s swagger and Oscar Wilde’s wit in order to win a woman’s heart.

And if this were true, the human race would’ve gone extinct.

Look, just because you’re not in the top 1% of whatever doesn’t mean you aren’t “worthy” of a girl. Your life may not be where you want it to be – and if you’re living life right, there will always be more room to grow, more ambitions to achieve – but waiting until you’ve hit some arbitrary point is just another way of psyching yourself out and giving yourself excuses to avoid being rejected.

You’re taking this class because you want to improve yourself, right? Well, asking her out for a drink is part of the process of improving yourself. You can’t improve your skills without putting them to work.

You may not have a perfect life, but you should be able to look around and say “hey, good enough to give it a try right here, right now”. While you’re busy wishing you were at place Y, you may be missing the possibility that your crush would be very happy with you at place X in the meantime.

You may get rejected. Fine. It’ll suck and you’ll feel bad for a while. But that will fade – faster than you think – and you’ll realize that all it means you’re one person closer to finding the woman that’s right for you and one step further down the path at getting better at dating.

And that means that when you meet the next incredible woman – and there will be another woman, just as incredible – you’ll be even better prepared.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Is there ever a place for flat-out ignoring people? Long story short, I met a girl in AA, I was nine months sober and she was two years in. I went through a situation where six months into our relationship, my girlfriend 1) cheated on me with, and then 2) left me for her ex. THAT relationship then fell apart about six months later because her boyfriend went back out drinking and using (He was in the program, in and out, and once he got four months sober was when she went back to him). And she’s on to guy number three at the moment, whose totally bran new in AA and shows up to meetings high.

What happened when the break up first happened, I went to the use of the silent treatment: refusing to speak to her and acting like she didn’t exist. Same with guy number two. If they ever went for a handshake or said hi, I wouldn’t even acknowledge them. But I went further, putting all sorts of walls up. I wasn’t just acting indifferent towards them but also their sponsors, their friends, anyone who I thought was “taking their side” etc. I’ve since learned that the silent treatment is a combination of isolation and anger, and it was my disease making me think this way, as eventually I would’ve had walls up against everyone and then been all alone and then picked up a drink. So thank God, I found help with this, I learned I can’t ignore people out of anger because I was giving myself depression (because of all the energy it takes).

So I re-connected with all the people I was ignoring and made amends, I’ve been very friendly and polite with guy number three – I don’t have any resentment against him as he’s just some random guy, he didn’t do anything wrong. I shook his hand and told him I hope there’s no bad vibes between us, I just want him to have the same chance getting sober as everyone else.

The only people I still ignore (it’s been a year since the break up) is the ex-gf and guy number two… And this is where my question is: My conscience bothered me for having ignored all those other people but my conscience doesn’t bother me for ignoring these two. I’ve looked into this a bit and think there is a difference between “the silent treatment” and “not relating”. The first one is to do with resentment, but the second is to do with protecting yourself. It’s honestly not out of the whole “I’m never gonna talk to you again” thing. It’s just that it doesn’t make sense to me to acknowledge them. If they come to make their amends, I’d listen. But as for me going to say hi to either of them or shake their hands, no thanks. And I swear, my conscience doesn’t ache about it. I really think it’s “not relating” not the “silent treatment”.

At the moment, I’m studying to become a Catholic priest – a dream I had since I was 16 before I was struck down by booze and self-esteem issues. And people I trust in the AA program and do step-work with etc. they’re all on my case about my need to start acknowledging them. And they use what I’m doing against me (“C’mon you’re almost two and a half years sober”, “C’mon you’re going to be a priest” etc.) But I don’t get it, I don’t see the contradiction or see what’s wrong with acting indifferent towards those two – and like I said before it’s not the “never again” thing, I’d be able to acknowledge them if they made amends for what they did – but until then I act like they don’t even exist, and I don’t see anything morally or spiritually incorrect about that.

So that’s the dramatic back-story. But my question is basically, what do you think? Is there a difference between the silent treatment vs not relating? And how come my conscience bothered me about ignoring all those other people but it doesn’t bother me about ignoring those two, unless the silent treatment and not relating are two different things??

Thanks!

Vow of Silence

DEAR VOW OF SILENCE: First of all, everything you just described — from your relationship to all the guys your ex keeps dating — is a great example of why Alcoholics Anonymous makes a very big point about how you’re NOT supposed to hit on folks in your meetings while you’re in recovery.

(Hell, there’s a reason why people refer to veteran AA attendees hitting on newbies as the 13th step…)

But let’s put that aside for the moment.

There’s a difference between not relating and giving them the silent treatment. In the former, they simply aren’t part of your life. You don’t actively exclude them, but you don’t make a point of seeking them out either. In the latter: you’re driving the fact that you’re not talking to them home by being as obvious about it as possible.

Wanna take a guess which of the two you’re actually doing?

Right now you think you’re just not relating. You think you’re being the bigger man here because you’ve gone and made amends and tried to rebuild connections with the many people you were shutting out because you were angry and you saw them as being “against you”. Those were the easy ones. Your conscience was nagging you about them because you realized at some level you weren’t justified in being angry at them. They were the innocent bystanders (as it were) of the breakup between you and your ex and all it’s attendant fallout.

But – and you had to know this was coming – you’re still angry and bitter at your ex and the guy she dumped you for. This is why you don’t feel any problem with snubbing your ex and boyfriend number two; as far as you’re concerned, you were wronged and it’s on them to come crawling back to beg your forgiveness.

So let me ask you something in all sincerity: what benefit are you getting from holding on to that anger? Yes, there’s always a sense of satisfaction when you’re convinced of your own righteousness but what good is it doing you? Is your sense of moral superiority making your life any easier? Is your anger at them keeping you warm at night? Because honestly, you’re kind of being childish about it. It’d be one thing if you just weren’t making going out of your way to talk to them, but when you’re refusing to acknowledge that they even exist… well, that’s just being immature. You’re not being the bigger man, you’re wielding your indignation and self-righteousness at them. And to be honest, you’re going pretty firmly against the behavior for a Christian in general, never mind someone who wants to be a Catholic priest. The whole point of forgiving those who’ve sinned against you isn’t that you wait until they come groveling before you, it’s recognizing that they may never acknowledge that they did you wrong and forgiving them anyway. Jesus’ forgiveness is unconditional and you’re supposed to model his behavior as best you can. Not so much with the sitting in judgement.

You don’t need to welcome them back into your life with open arms. You don’t need to seek them out at meetings, take them out to dinner or spend a second longer hanging out with them than is absolutely necessary. But you should be willing to be a grown-ass adult about it. Acknowledge them. Say hello when you see them. Shake hands. You don’t need to linger; you can go elsewhere and talk to other people once the basic social niceties are out of the way.

Will you ever get the satisfaction of an apology from them? Well, if they’re doing the steps, then possibly; at some point they’ll hit the “Make Amends” part and hopefully they’ll realize they’ve done you an injury and will try to repair things as best they can. But there’s no guarantee that they ever will and that’s a long time to hold onto that bitterness and resentment – even if you don’t acknowledge or recognize it as bitterness. You’re still hurting and you’re holding on to that hurt with this behavior. It’s time to let it go. Forgive them, let it go and be polite. They don’t have to be a part of your life beyond “people at your meetings”. But it will put you further on your path to recovery.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I know this is a strange topic, but I hope you can give me some advice. It’s not easy for me to say this but I’m scared of girls. Like, terrified. Back in high-school almost every girl in my class used to make fun of me, call me names, say how ugly and disgusting I was, how my parents hated me, that I would be better off dead, they would point and laugh at me and so on. I don’t know what I did wrong, since I was the quiet kid sitting in the back with his two or three friends and never really bothering anybody and I was never like bullied by other boys.

So, what do I mean with scared? Well, for example, if I’m walking on the street and a woman or a group of women around my age (I’m 24 btw) or younger are walking towards me, my heart starts pounding, I sweat, my legs shake and I feel like at any point she or they will laugh at me or say something like what girls in my class used to say. It’s worse when they are two or more, because it’s feels like they will surround me and just tell my how much they hate me. I try

to avoid women as much as possible, I try to not look or talk to them unless is strictly necessary and every time I feel like I should apologise for my mere presence and for daring to talk to them.

I want to believe that not every girl I meet hates me but it’s very hard. Every time it feels like they’re faking it and when I’m gone they openly talk about how hideous and stupid am I. I know it’s not very manly, but believe me I’m really scared and it’s hard for me to just being outside and is messing with my life and work. How can I get over this? Or things are just like this?

Thanks in advance!

Scared and Ashamed

DEAR SCARED AND ASHAMED: I’m sorry you went through that SaA. It can be confusing and terrifying to suddenly be the target of bullying that seems to have come at you out of the clear blue sky and it can leave some lasting scars. So let’s talk a little about just what happened and how you can start to let go of this fear.

Here’s why you were targeted: you were there. That’s it. High-school couldn’t have been better designed to be a cauldron of bulls

t by inflicting it on other people who happened to be handy and they got away with it. And the saddest thing is how few people will realize just how s

tty they were to others back in the day.

But there’s the thing: that s

t and misery if people had gone out of their way to create a factory to produce anxiety, neurosis and sheer balls-shrinking terror. And that affects everybody because high-school is hell for pretty much everyone. Everybody is sleep-deprived because schools are still clinging to a system devised around a farming community’s schedule and not the biological needs of teenagers. Everyone’s a bundle of anxiety and confusion because everyone’s dealing with massive physical and social changes that’re met by society telling them that they should already have a handle on things instead of providing the tools to actually manage themselves. Everyone is encouraged to be unique individuals, but then deviations from the norm (whether in gender expression, neurotypicality or sexuality) is punished — often with the tacit approval of the people in authority.

Folks are alternating between mirroring their parents’ beliefs and values and trying to figure out their own, nobody understands what’s going on and everyone’s clinging to any sort of structure that helps make sense of the chaos and confusion. Part of why high-school turns into a massive stew of cliques and drama is because we run schools like they’re medium-security prisons and everyone’s just trying to survive. People will lash out because… well, that’s one of the easiest ways to assert yourself and try to force a place into the social hierarchy. And — as with toxic masculine values — there’re few ways that are more efficient at gaining status than taking it from someone else.

And unfortunately, you drew the short straw. No rhyme or reason, just people dealing with their own trauma and bulls

t is over. You are goddamn free. You can look back on your time in high-school as a nightmare that you have finally been able to wake up from. Now is the time to start shaking off the remnants of that nightmare and remembering that you’re in the real world now, with people who are (mostly) done with all that drama and heinous f

ions or a volunteer opportunity and just go be part of the group. You don’t have to be Mr. Social, but you do want to participate. As you do, you’ll find yourself coming in contact with women of all ages and backgrounds… and you’ll start to realize that no, they don’t hate you. They aren’t talking about you, they aren’t gossiping about you… they’re just there because they’re interested in the same things you are. Over time, you may even discover that you’re becoming friends with them. This is good; the more female friends you make, the more you’ll recognize just how aberrant your high-school experience was. The issue wasn’t that they were girls who hated you because you were a subhuman, the problem is that they were f

kery most foul.

Realizing that, however, doesn’t make the scars go away. That is going to take a combination of therapy, grit and experience. The good thing is that you can start getting that experience now, in low-stakes ways. You can start by simply just existing in public spaces where you’re likely to encounter women. Sitting in the park with a book, walking around the mall, sitting at the counter at a restaurant or bar and just minding your own business is a start. You can even take those opportunities to low-key eavesdrop on the conversations around you. One of the first things you’ll discover is just how little the people around you are going to care about you. This sounds cold or cruel but it’s not; it’s not that you’re unimportant or unnoticeable, it’s that everyone is so wrapped up in their own drama that they’re not going to pay attention to you the way you think they do.

Back in my PUA days, I used to think that if I flubbed an approach, then everyone would notice and I’d be laughed out of the bar. In reality, what would happen is that people would basically forget I was even there as soon as I left their eye-line. As weird as that may sound… it was actually incredibly freeing. Once I realized that most people would never notice my worst mistakes, I didn’t have to spend as much time worrying about complete strangers who wouldn’t even remember me in the span it took to get another beer.

Once you recognize that you aren’t being weighed, measured and judged by all and sundry, you can start to up the ante by attending mixed group events and meet-ups. Find something that interests you, like a MeetUp about one of your pa

holes.

And frankly, life is too goddamn short to let the a

holes win.

But even if you do start to work on desensitizing yourself, don’t forget to find a counselor or therapist, especially one who deals with phobias and CPTSD; the level of anxiety you’re feeling is the sort of thing that often requires the help of a trained professional, not just a loudmouth with an advice column.

You’ll be OK. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

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