DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve got a very…odd situation with a woman friend that I’m “sort of” seeing. Let’s call her Alex. We’re not at the point of kissing, but our nights out and conversations tend to be somewhat more intimate than what would be expected of friends around here. She has a girlfriend but both she and Alex say they potentially wouldn’t mind a three-person relationship).

That’s not the situation I’m referring to here though.

Basically, Alex hates receiving compliments of any kind. And not in the sense that “oh she gets so embarrassed and flustered and blushes and she’s so damn cute I can’t help but tease her.”

I mean, she legitimately gets pissed off when someone compliments her for anything. Her personal rule is: If you want to compliment or praise her for something she accomplished, you have to have been there with her and witnessed her accomplishment first-hand. If you weren’t there and you try to compliment her, she reacts like she’s being sucked up to, that someone can’t truly appreciate or properly be impressed with her accomplishment because they weren’t there to see it themselves.

So…Yeah. She’s been described as coming from an alternate universe where compliments are insults.

I’m not going to speculate about whether she’s been diagnosed with anything, that would just be shitty. I simply consider it a personality quirk that I have to keep in mind if I want to be with her. And she’s not really meant to be the focus of this question; I’m more curious about the challenge it represents.

Namely, what non-verbal ways are there to show your appreciation and respect for someone and all they’ve done, but without simply complimenting her with “Good job!” or stuff like that? Again, we aren’t quite boyfriend/girlfriend yet, so I assume extravagant gifts and expensive fancy restaurants wouldn’t be appropriate. Despite how it may sound, our relationship is certainly not toxic. She has never tried to dictate or control what I say to her, and she has respected my own personal quirks as well. She’s simply made it clear what she likes and what she hates in regards to people speaking to her, but otherwise she has no interest in trying to force anyone to say or do anything.

Really interested in what you have to suggest.

Dude Who Doesn’t Mind The Quirks.

DEAR DUDE WHO DOESN’T MIND THE QUIRKS: That is… an interesting outlook on life, I guess? It kind of seems like a fun-house mirror version of the issue I mentioned in my response to LLVL the other day – trying to avoid praise but feeling like accepting “undeserved” praise means you’re being immodest or conceited. Y’know. If you squint.

Well, she’s pretty much told you what the secret is: praise or compliment her for the things you do see or that she does for you. 

Failing that, if she can’t handle being praised, then simply make it about YOU. You appreciate what she’s done  – it was a great help, it’s something you hadn’t seen or experienced or thought of before, etc.

The other option is to focus on the achievement itself, rather than the fact that she did it – especially if you can see the results in some way, shape or form. Thus, you’re saying that $THING is really cool in and of itself, however it happened or that other people must have appreciated that someone went through the trouble to do $THING or that $THING must have been difficult or challenging and it’s pretty impressive that it was accomplished. You’re basically paying a bank-shot compliment; the final result was cool or appreciated or what-have-you, with the unstated “…and you’re cool for having done it” hanging invisibly but making its presence known like perfume in the air.

Then there’s always the option of learning how to speak her love language. Not everyone is going to be ok with words of affirmation — such as your girlfriend here. But she may be more receptive to acts of service or gifts, especially if you can make it clear that these are your way of expressing your gratitude and appreciation for everything she does for you. She may not be able to accept your verbal praise, but doing things for her (especially things that she might need help with after doing some of the awesome things she does for you) or getting her a small but meaningful gift as a token of your appreciation might get the message across without words.

Communication is key in every successful relationship, DWDMTQ, and sometimes that means learning how to speak someone else’s language when the one you’re using isn’t getting the message across.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (M/mid 30s) fare pretty terribly in dating, both online and off, due in part to a need to connect over my music, which is pretty fundamental to my identity - and my music isn't terribly fashionable amongst the under 60's. This has resulted in a tendency to lose perspective somewhat when I do meet someone I share that interest with, and forge ahead with situations that are ill-advised. As a result I have come to doubt my judgement in this area, especially when the situation is not clear-cut.

Enter my friend, "Sierra". She's gorgeous, funny, smart, (relatively) recently single, and crucially, who understands what the music means to me, and shares it. And she's eleven years my junior.

In terms of our life stages we're actually pretty similar as I spent a long time in a sort of limbo unable to decide what I wanted to do with my life; now we are both not far out of uni (5 years for me, 1 for her), good careers, looking at houses. We have tons of other things in common and get on really well; I'd ask her out in a heartbeat if there were less of a gap.

I don't have much of an indication as to what she'd say. I'm not great at subtle when flirting so I tend to not do it until I think the other person has started, to avoid making them uncomfortable. I'm confident I could handle a "no" without breaking the friendship. Should I refrain because it's weird to ask when she's so much younger? Hold back and test the waters more? Or should I get a grip on myself and respect that she's perfectly able to make adult decisions?

Old (Musical) Soul

DEAR OLD (MUSICAL SOUL):Not gonna lie OMS, I'm kind of curious just as to why music is so critical to your relationships. I'm more than a little critical of folks who base their identities around what they consume, whether it be comics, movies, games or music. Don't get me wrong: I'm an avid lover of many, many forms of media, but what I enjoy is a part of who I am, it's not my identity. The "nerd" in Dr. NerdLove is about how I relate to what I love and how it drives me, not about being the wallet at the end of the production pipeline. And if this is something that's caused you problems with previous relationships... well, that's something that you should probably do some serious soul-searching over.

Now with that having been said: you're overthinking things with Sierra. Age gaps aren't the horrific dealbreakers that a lot of people tend to assume they are. The biggest issue with age gaps isn't the age, it's the potential power differential when there's a significant difference. A 19 year old isn't likely to have the life experience of a 40 year old and it's possible for the older partner to use that lack of experience (and perceived authority) over them in unethical or toxic ways. But "potential" isn't the same thing as "guarantee", and God knows there're plenty of people who had much older partners who treated them with care, respect and consideration.

But by the same token, the difference between, say, 24 and 35 isn't that big. It's certainly not so large that people would have reason to suspect your intentions or that you're taking advantage of some power differential. Hell, it's even within the half-your-age-plus-seven guideline that gets bandied about.

And honesty, Sierra is a grown-ass woman who's well over the age of consent. She's perfectly capable of deciding for herself whether she's interested in dating an older man or not; avoiding the question because you're worried that you're too old is a little patronizing, to be honest.

So if you want to roll the dice on seeing if she's interested or open to more than being friends, then go for it. Just do yourself a favor: make it clear that you're asking her on an unambiguous date and that it's totally cool for her to say "no, thank you". 

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  Long time lurker, first time writer here. I’m a college boy dating a fellow student that we’ll call Jackie. I’ve dated only a few times in the past, mostly out of shyness, but never consistently until I met her. We’ve been going out for a bit more than a year now, and I’ve never been happier. She’s the kindest, smartest, most caring person I know, and I love every moment we spend together. But a few years ago, before I met her, Jackie was diagnosed with lupus, an incurable disease that has a number of awful, sometimes visible side-effects including hair loss, facial rashes, mood swings, and joint pain. Most of the noticeable side-effects have lessened in severity with a combination of time and medication, but they’re still there, and will always be a part of her life. Add the fact that one of her old medications made her gain some weight that she’s still working on losing, and it understandably left Jackie with very low self-esteem.

We’re both in the same major and she does consistently better than most of the students, including myself, in every class we share, but she tells me that she’s not that smart, or that she’s just a good guesser and didn’t really deserve the good grades she’s earned. Whenever we start to get intimate, she always apologizes profusely for her inflexibility and stretch marks, things that I honestly couldn’t give a flying f

k about when she shoves me onto my bed with that irresistible, wicked smirk and starts riding me like a Harley. And when I tell her as much, she says that I don’t have to pretend not to notice them to make her feel better, but thanks me for trying anyway. Recently she told me that I’m too good for her, that she doesn’t deserve me, and that she’s just waiting for the day I’ll get tired of her problems and leave her. I have no idea how I stopped myself from crying when I first heard that, and I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t even sniffle by the fourth time Jackie said it.

I will never, ever claim to know what this horrible disease has put her through, but I have dealt with my own self-esteem issues before, so I have no delusions that I can just “fix” her in a week with the power of love and compliments. But Jackie isn’t broken, she isn’t a failure, she isn’t a problem, and even if she did lose her hair again, I would still think she’s just as beautiful as she is today. I guess what I’d like is some way to help let Jackie see herself the way I see her. Not to “cure” her of her low self-esteem, but just to let her know that I love her, and that I think she’s a charming, sexy, intelligent, and just overall brilliant woman, no matter what her stupid immune system has to say about it.

Thank you,

Livin’ La Vida Lupus

DEAR LIVIN’ LA VIDA LUPUS: Damn it, LLVL, this is the first time I have the opportunity to make a “It’s Not Lupus” joke and you have to undercut me by making it a serious, emotionally tense issue.

But. Y’know. It’s not lupus. It’s the way that society teaches women that they’re only valuable when they’re beautiful and sexual and to downplay their own accomplishments, lest they seem immodest.

Let’s take Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter series, for example. Part of what made her a revolutionary character in YA fiction isn’t that she’s brilliant; it’s that she’s brilliant and doesn’t hide it. She’s smart, she knows she’s smart and it’s just how she is. Girls are taught over and over again that being visibly competent is a bad thing and that things like intelligence or talent are things to be apologized for or hand-waved away. Hell, you can see it right the hell now with all the bulls

t about Rey from The Force Awakens being a Mary Sue because she’s following the exact same arc as Luke Skywalker.

Having flaws are acceptable as long as they’re minor or quirky. Serious issues like, say, hair-loss – and not “gives you a beautiful shaved scalp” hair loss but “falling out in uneven clumps in the shower” hair loss – are hard to accept. Doubly so considering how much stock is put in gender presentation for women by having long, flowing locks of hair.

Your girlfriend has, in all likelihood, been hearing bulls

t all her life about not showing off or being a know-it-all or being too proud or vain. And when she’s suddenly “deficient” (for suitably bulls

t definitions of deficient) in the areas where women are supposed to excel (but it’s better if they don’t realize it – looking at YOU, One Direction…). Mix that in with the difficulties of dating in general when you have a chronic condition, the literal pain of said condition, already existing low-self-esteem issues and… yeah, it’s going to seriously mess up somebody’s view of themselves.

But you know all that already. The big question right now is: what do you do?

Well, part of it is: tell HER all the things that you just told me. She needs to hear all of that. But you also don’t – and shouldn’t – pretend that her flaws aren’t there. She knows you see them, and pretending they don’t exist (which is what she thinks you’re doing) doesn’t help. Instead, acknowledge them but point out that they’re part of her and part of what makes her the person you love. She wouldn’t be who she is right now – the person you have chosen to be with – without all these component parts that add up to a bigger whole. Tell her this. Tell her this regularly, not just with words but with your actions and behavior. Holding her and telling her you care, quietly helping when she needs it, being her support when times are difficult, giving her space when she needs that instead… all those little ways of letting her know you’re there for her add up over time.

The other thing is to NOT lie. She believes you’re lying to make her feel better when you say that you’re OK with all of this. And just to be honest: yeah, dating somebody with a chronic condition can be hard. It can be frustrating. It can be tiring. And you feel like an a

hole for feeling that way. But the fact is, even for those times when it is frustrating or exhausting, it’s ok because she’s worth it all to you. Hearing that moment of honesty from you might help it sink in that you’re not sticking things out until you can find an exit strategy, you’re in it because you want her, specifically.

I know that the traditional response is to quote Shakespeare’s sonnet 130, but I think that a better idea might be to acquaint her with the concept of kintsugi – repairing lacquerware and pottery in such a way that illuminates the breakage and repair instead of hiding it, usually by filling the cracks with gold or silver. It treats the process of repair as part of what makes the object unique and special by acknowledging its history. Your girlfriend isn’t broken by any stretch of the imagination, but she feels like she is. She has a condition and it sucks and pretending that it’s not there doesn’t help… but it also doesn’t make her less beautiful or desirable or special.

You know this. I know this. SHE needs to know this. Tell her.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I think need some advice. I have problems with my self worth when it comes to “after dating situations”.

In the past I had a few relationships but none of them lasted for more than a few months. I realized I was a nice guy and started to fix it (and stumbled upon your blog at that time). There were many dates since then, but they always ended the same. We would go out once and then she gradually stopped responding to my messages (even calls in one case), without any explanation and I’ve never heard from her anymore. Even though the date seemed fine, I tried to learn from every rejection and avoid mistakes I’ve made before I felt like I’ve failed.

Since I saw these rejections as failures it accumulated somewhere inside me and I started being anxious after every date. There were thoughts like “What if she won’t respond? What if it will end as usual and I’ll get rejected? What did I do wrong? She’s online and she saw my message, why hadn’t she responded already?”. My mind comes up with catastrophic scenarios and I worry about things that didn’t even happen.

Sometimes it comes to checking my smartphone every now and then which is the behavior I wanted to avoid and which makes me even more anxious.

Basically my self worth drops and the confidence I felt during the date is nothing but dust.

Recent example: I went out with a woman, everything seemed well. I decided to stay cool, enjoy the evening and spark the interest in her. There were some minor fuckups but she was fine with it. During the evening she briefly told me about a guy she’s going to meet which was enough to start doubts in me (why did she do that in the first place?). When I was paying for her after the dinner (first date) she objected but then she was like “I’ll pay when we’ll meet for the next time” (which ignited the hope for the next date in me and that she was interested). She responds to my messages after that evening although I’m almost always the one who initiates the conversation. My anxiety and negative thoughts intensified when I saw a post from that guy (and her response to it).

My question is: How to deal with these thoughts and catastrophic scenarios and how to maintain my self worth?

Worst Case Scenario Vision

DEAR WORST CASE SCENARIO VISION: Alright, WCSV, I want you to go back to a letter I answered last week about why a friendship was fizzling out. Do you see what I just said to Nukes and Friendship about relationships? A lot of that applies to you, too. The issue you’re having here is that you’re emotionally over-investing in these dates with people you barely know. In many ways, first dates are like a sample from the deli or the ice cream parlor: you’re trying to decide if you’re at all interested before you commit to buying a full order. Getting hung up on someone you’ve only had one date with – even if it was a pretty good date – is how you set yourself up for unnecessary heartbreak. You don’t know this person well enough to warrant giving them so much importance that checking your phone is enough to give you anxiety. The truth is that they’re still functionally a stranger to you. A hot stranger, quite possibly. A stranger that you had a good time with. But still a stranger.

The goal of a first date is simple: you want to connect with them and see if there’s enough mutual interest and chemistry to warrant seeing each other again. If there isn’t, then it’s a shame… but there are millions of other potential partners out there. This was just one that didn’t work out.

Now it sucks that things haven’t worked out with these women you’ve been dating, but most of what you’ve been learning is that these are women who, for whatever reason, you’re not compatible with. A lot of that is simply out of your control. Dating is a numbers game; you do what you can to maximize the odds that the people you’re meeting are right for you, but there’s always going to be that element of unpredictability when people are involved. Sometimes you get lucky right off the bat. Other times you have to search around for a while. You may meet the wrong person… or you may meet the right person at the wrong time. The only thing you can do is make sure you’re working on your side of the equation.

Part of that is making sure that you’re taking the right lessons from these dates. It doesn’t do you any good if you’re going on these dates and assuming that, for example, you need to overcompensate for your Nice Guy past and be a snarky asshole. On the other hand, you could still be acting TOO nice and coming across less as a potential partner and more as a pushover. You might be spending too much time trying to impress your date and not enough time trying to connect with them.

This is why I recommend that guys who what to get better at dating should keep a journal. Whenever you go out and approach people or go out on dates, write down as much as you possibly can about what happened — what you said, what they said, how they responded, how you felt in the moment, etc. Try to keep as strictly objective as you can; report what happened without judging or analyzing or making assumptions about how the other person felt or what they thought. This gives you data, and lets you look for patterns that may indicate particular sticking points.

The same goes with examining the aftermath of said dates. If your conversations are regularly trailing off, see if you can pinpoint exactly where the shift seems to occur and if it’s happening at more or less the same time. It could be, for example, that you’re a little over-eager and that’s putting people off. On the other hand, it could also be that they just weren’t feeling it and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Which is a difficult truth: sometimes there isn’t anything to find. Sometimes the issue isn’t anything that you’re doing but the people you’re dating.

That’s why ultimately, the answer to getting better at dating is… to go on more dates and try doing things differently. You can study the theory all you want but the only way you can gain those levels in dating is to go out and grind ’em out in the field.

And incidentally: don’t sweat getting ghosted so much. As much as I wish it wasn’t true, ghosting has become part of the dating landscape. It’s rude and it can be disheartening, but at the end of the day, it says far more about them than it does about you. The only thing you can do about it is be the change you want to see in dating.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)