DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was dating a girl from another country. The first year we basically lived together and everything felt like a dream. At the start of 2018, she had to move back to Europe. She wasn’t sure about whether she wanted a long distance relationship, but we decided to give it a go.

We were able to see each other 4 times during the year, but as time went by I noticed she was starting to pull away. She would text me less, not bother setting up Facetime dates, etc. I decided to tell her about this, and she simply said she was busy and not on her phone all the time. Eventually time passed and during the last weeks of December, I would notice she wouldn’t even bother to text. I decided to address the elephant in the room and she said we needed to take a break. I agreed and made sure that we both knew how to act during the break (would we see other people, etc).

Halfway through the break, she asked if we could talk. I had honestly been having a hard time during the break, since I really missed her. I decided to reach out to mutual friends and ask for advice on how to make amends and fix things. When she called me, she told me that some of our friends had reached out to her. She didn’t seem to keen on continuing the relationship and I honestly wasn’t going to force her into it if she was ready to move on.

She however wanted to be friends. I still had very strong feelings for her and the next day decided to tell her that I would always cherish our relationship together but I couldn’t be friends with her right away because I needed the time to heal and settle how I felt for her. I removed her from social media which seemed to have upset her. She sent me a message saying she was upset and that I hurt her.

I know am starting to question if I did the right thing by going the nuclear option.

Second Chances, Second Thoughts

DEAR SECOND CHANCES, SECOND THOUGHTS: One of the biggest questions that a couple faces following a break-up is “What should we do now?” It’s an easy enough question to answer if the relationship ended badly: the hard feelings, the anger and other factors that triggered the break-up in the first place usually make it a no-brainer. Similarly, if things ended amicably and you still have that core of affection and respect for one another even if the relationship didn’t work, it’s easy enough to say “yeah, we should stay friends.”

Other times, it’s not so clear.

Of course, there’s a lot of cultural pressure to say that you want to stay friends after the break-up. It’s what you’re expected to do to prove that you’re both mature adults and that this is all just fine. But to be perfectly honest: not only are there folks who aren’t in a place where they can handle that, but not everybody wants that in the first place. Not everybody wants to stay in contact with their ex, even if the break-up wasn’t so bad. Sometimes you want a clean and complete break so you can heal and move forward. But it’s not always easy to say this, especially if it wasn’t an ugly break-up. There’s that expectation that of course you’re going to stay friends because why wouldn’t you?

Well, there’s always the fact that your ex treated you pretty shabbily over the course of your relationship. Sure, the end of your relationship was fairly low key and non-dramatic but the circumstances that lead you there were painful as hell. In your case, SCST, your ex was kind of an asshole to you. She treated you with some serious disrespect over the course of the time you were apart. It was clear that she saw the relationship as an increasingly low priority and treated you like an afterthought. If she was having thoughts about being in a long-distance relationship, she could have brought those up directly or she could have done the honorable thing and ended the relationship herself. Letting contact dry up and pretending that there weren’t any problems – especially when it’s causing you actual distress – is a pretty sh

ty thing to do to someone you care about.

To my mind, it’s somewhat rich that she’s giving you grief over the fact that you’ve cut ties when she was doing the same thing to you. The only difference is that she was performing the death of a thousand cuts, while you cut the head off in one go. So while your cutting her off and taking the Nuclear Option may have hurt her, that was hurt that she earned.

I think you did the right thing, SCST. The point of The Nuclear Option – removing them from your social media, blocking their number, filtering their emails and otherwise cutting contact – isn’t about “we broke up and now you’re dead to me”. It’s an acknowledgement that break-ups hurt and you need time to let those wounds heal. Those wounds can’t close if you’re continually picking at the scab by Facebook stalking them to see if they’re dating anyone or reminding yourself about how much you miss them by following their adventures on Instagram. Nor, for that matter, can you heal if they keep coming around and reopening the wounds, whether they intend to or not.

That’s why many times the best thing you can do is lock them away. It doesn’t need to be forever, but it does need to be long enough for you to do what you need to in order to heal. And while it may suck for the other party… they don’t get a say in things. Your healing process is for you, not them.

And while we’re at it, your emotions aren’t a democracy. Other people don’t get a vote in how you feel or what relationships you want to pursue. You’re not obligated to be friends with somebody after you break up with them, just because they want you to.

To be blunt: if your ex wanted to stay friends after the break-up, then she should’ve acted like one before you broke up.

Good luck.

ASK DR. NERDLOVE: Dear Dr. NerdLove,

How can I get a life?

I live with my family, and having spent a tolerably happy childhood, am almost an adult. Since the last year or so, however, my relationship with my father has grown rather cold, and he seems to have lost his affection for me, which has almost broke my heart.

I have no friends outside of my family (a few acquaintances and half friends, but correspondence is very scarce and our seeing each other even more so) and even between my family members there is little intimacy, agreement, or pleasure to be found.

I want to be happy and fulfilled, but instead I am bored, vexed, and lonely most of every day. I want to make friends, but I do not go anywhere but church, and I hardly know of any opportunities. Very few things actually thrill me anymore. What to do?

Sincerely, 

A Confused and Lonely Friend

DEAR A CONFUSED AND LONELY FRIEND: The answer’s in the question, ACLF.

You don’t go anywhere but church and you don’t have much contact with people outside of your immediate family. Changing those two factors in the equation will give you profoundly different results. Going out and pursuing interests outside of church will put you in contact with folks who share those interests. And if you aren’t sure what interests you may have outside of the church and family… well, now’s the perfect time to start exploring, trying new things and seeing what strikes your fancy.

But there’s a couple parts of your letter that leapt out at me. The first is that your relationship with your father’s suddenly started to become distant and cold and that you don’t have much happiness in your life.

Without knowing the circumstances surrounding things with your father, it sounds like you may be having issues with depression. As you start making headway finding new places to explore and new people to hang out with… consider talking to a counselor or therapist. They might be able to provide you with some insight about your emotional situation.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I, a man, have struggled with my weight for years, and so has my husband. We’ve both gained a significant amount of weight since we’ve been married, but I’m trying to mitigate that with diet and exercise. The problem is, he isn’t; and every time I try to talk with him about it, he makes me feel like I’m the bad guy for bringing it up.

Look, we’re both approaching 40, and I know we’ll never be the “twinks” we were when we met, but I’d like to be better than I am, and I am finding it very difficult to get healthy without his support. He’s pre-diabetic. He has sleep apnea. His sex drive is nowhere near it was when we met. And it’s frustrating because all of this is correctable and he’s refusing to even try. It’s like he doesn’t care.

I love my husband. I will never “fat-shame” him, and I know my weight struggles aren’t his issue. But I would find it a lot easier to tackle this if I feel like he were more supportive, and if he would try to be healthier too. I don’t know what to do, short of giving him an ultimatum: it’s me or the sugar, dude. Take your pick.

Concerned For His Health

DEAR CONCERNED FOR HIS HEALTH: One of the universal truths is that time and gravity make fools of us all in the end, CFHH, and everything we do is ultimately fighting a delaying action. This gets harder as we start hitting our 40s and 50s, when our metabolisms take a massive hit. Suddenly, the exercise that used to keep us in fighting trim no longer works like it used to and the foods we used to be able to eat with abandon turn on us.

That’s when everyone has to make a choice: is it worth it to them to change things up and work at pushing back against the inevitable? Or do we prefer the more immediate pleasures of food and relaxation?

Of course, this comes with consequences too. While it’s certainly possible to be fat and healthy, it sounds like your husband isn’t. That’s concerning. What’s slightly more concerning is that he doesn’t care.

This is where it’s time to start using your words and figuring out just how he’s feeling. His deciding to let himself go could be a symptom of – and trigger for – depression. One of the ways that depression manifests is the feeling that you’re a worthless pile of garbage and there’s no point in trying to do anything about it. Then as your physical state deteriorates, you take that as proof that you are, in fact, garbage, which reinforces those feelings. Alternately, if he’s on any medication – especially certain antidepressants – then the side-effects could be sapping his energy or desire to change things. He might be reacting to trauma or a sudden change in his life like the death of loved one or the loss of his job. Or he might have just decided he no longer gives a damn.

But he’s the only one who can tell you just what’s going on. So the best thing to do right now is sit down and have that Awkward Conversation – about your needs, his needs and just what’s going on. You’ll want to emphasize that part of what you want from him is his support for your goals, as well as your worry about his health. Sleep apnea, for example, can lead to potentially fatal complications. So let him know: you want the two of you to be there, not just for a good time but for a long time. And you want that time to be together.

The sooner you have an idea of how he’s feeling – and he understands what it is that you need from him – the sooner you two can figure out a way for both of you to get your needs met.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 27 year old male with very limited dating experience due to a combination of mild disability, career focus and self-limiting beliefs. I’ve put in a lot of work to improve things, and as a result, my confidence and energy are up.  I’ve even been approached by gay men. Being straight, I wasn’t interested, but it certainly increased my confidence in being able to land a good woman.

Some members of my friend group, possibly having noticed my increased confidence and energy, and have recently made remarks of how me and a single friend of theirs should ‘totally get together’. I’m not sure if they’re joking or legit trying to set the two of us up. She and I are compatible (similar views on money, similar interests, trust each other, have never had drama, approach conflict in a similar way) and we like each other on a platonic level. This friend group even already contains couples, so it wouldn’t make anything awkward in that regard.

The problem here is I have never seen her in any romantic way, and as far as I can tell she has shown no signs of romantic interest in me.

I’m not sure what to do. Should I make a move? See if flirty behavior builds feelings for either of us? Ask one of our mutual friends if they’re just joking about the whole thing? Accept the relationship as platonic and find someone else entirely? Ask her how she feels about the situation and act accordingly? Something else?

Thanks,

To Ask or Not To Ask

DEAR TO ASK OR NOT TO ASK: Slow your roll, TAoNTA. You aren’t just putting the cart before the horse, you don’t even have a cart or a horse yet. The fact that your buds have been making comments about how you and their friend should get together may well just be that: stray comments. Observing that there’re two single people in the social circle isn’t quite the same as actively ‘shipping the couple or trying to set the two of you up as an item. Taking this as anything other than idle chatter is getting so far ahead of yourself that you’ve looped back around like a weird sociological mobius strip.

But let’s say, for argument’s sake, that your friends really do think that you two would make a good match and are actually, actively trying to pair the spares. Like I said to STSC, your relationships aren’t a democracy. Other people don’t get a vote in who you date or who you’re attracted to. The fact that they think that you and she might be a good couple in no way obligates you to actually give it a shot, especially if you aren’t interested in her. The last thing either of you need is to go through the motions of trying to date because other people want to see it happen. That’s a great way to cause all kinds of friction in the social group – the kind that causes hard feelings and tears friends apart.

And on top of that: this is all very one sided. Right now, you have no idea if they’re telling her this as well. She may well have no idea that they’re playing Cupid. And for that matter… she may well have perfectly good reasons for not wanting a relationship right now and would seriously resent her friends sticking their noses into things.

Now, if we had some data on any of those points, we could start to see whether it’s worth doing some exploratory flirting and see if anything develops. But we don’t.  As it is: you’re not feeling it for her in the first place, which means that you don’t really have any reason to try to pursue things with her. Right now, that would come off far more like trying to fill a hole labeled “girlfriend” with an available warm body instead of starting a relationship based on mutual attraction and respect.

So with the facts on the ground being what they are, I think the best thing you can do is just laugh it off and ignore the whole thing as a joke. And if it bothers you, tell your friends to back off with the jokey-jokes.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was wondering if you could help me out with friendship dynamics.

I met this really cool girl, we’ll call her Zoe, about 3 months ago. We hit it off immediately: 3-hour conversation, lots in common, super easy to talk to, soul-sister kind of feeling. She’s a much more extraverted person than I usually hang out with, but that made me excited because she’s connected with this big group of other cool people. When I first met her, I got a weird feeling about her personality, but it was hard to place why and because the connection felt good, I brushed it off as me having too high expectations for people.

This girl and her husband host a weekly get-together at their home, which they use as a sort of open house to connect with their friends. The first time I went, it was amazing. Fun games, great conversation, etc. All the people were nice. In addition, Zoe came over to hang out with me at my house a few times and we hit it off just like the first time we hung out.

The problem is that the connection seems to be tapering off, and I don’t know why.

I got sick recently, starting about a month ago, where I can’t drive and the doctors aren’t sure what’s wrong (I’m not contagious). So I haven’t been able to really get out of my house and I haven’t been able to make it to any of the weekly get-togethers or other things my new friend group has planned, such as hiking trips and other social events on the weekends. I told my friend what was going on with me around the time I first got sick, and she seemed concerned and sympathetic in text messages, but that’s as far as it went.

This is kind of where the issues started. I haven’t seen her in a while because I can’t drive. My sickness makes it hard to be out and about so I haven’t risked catching a ride to her place. I invited her over to my place to hang out but she said she was busy and was so sorry. After a while, she started not replying to my texts as much (I send one maybe once a week and she replies about half the time). She also never checked in on me to see if I was doing ok, and it started to feel awkward reaching out to her, knowing I was probably going to get rejected, either by being turned down for hanging out or just not receiving a response at all. I know that she’s been extremely busy socially lately as well.

I don’t know if my expectations are unrealistic, but here they are so it’s clear where my mind goes when I’m anxious: A good friend would have checked in on me to see if I was getting better from my sickness. She hasn’t. A good friend would have tried to see me or reschedule knowing that I can’t go anywhere, but she has not. A good friend would have responded to my texts eventually, even just to let me know she got them, rather than ignoring them entirely. She’s apologized for not responding to my texts in the past, saying how much she cares for and misses me, but the behavior doesn’t change and I don’t see any actions supporting her words.

I know this friendship is young (again on the order of a few months), but I can’t help but get the intuitive hit that this girl is more self-centered than she initially let on. I have another close friend who said he’s seen similar patterns in people. Essentially, they make sure that you’re attached to them and love them and go over to their place to hang out, but once they know you’re hooked, they sit back and relax. I don’t want to believe this is the kind of new friend I found. I’d hate to lose this friend because she’s sort of the self-titled “leader” of this new group and I like a lot of the people I’ve met within it, but it feels really crappy being ignored, especially when I’m sick. And to be honest, I miss her. Again, she’s cool and fun to hang out with.

Are my expectations too high? Do I have a blind spot that I’m unaware of that’s making me the problem in this situation? I’ve often suspected I have social dynamics struggles since I haven’t been able to maintain friendships for more than 2-3 years since I was little, and I also know that I’m super sensitive and have some anxiety that gets in my way. I also have a tendency to assume people don’t like me and don’t want me around, when in fact I’ve been told I’m a joy to be around and very socially calibrated (I think I just learned the motions and can act well). So I know these things are increasing my anxiety around the situation and I’m wondering if it’s not just me and my own issues.

Any insights for me? Assuming there’s absolutely nothing wrong, and this is normal for new friendships, do you have any tips on how to maintain connection? I haven’t accused her of anything because I don’t even know if she’s done anything wrong!

I don’t want yet another new friendship to fizzle simply because I don’t know what I’m doing. This has happened to me before, and in the past I’ve just stopped reaching out altogether, losing the friendship entirely.

Sincerely,

Sick and Abandoned

DEAR SICK AND ABANDONED: There’re a couple of possibilities here, SaA.

The first is that you may have rounded up the level of the connection that the two of you had. This isn’t all that unusual; we feel the thrill of New Relationship Energy with platonic relationships just as often as we do with romantic or sexual ones. You met someone who’s really cool and you really enjoyed spending time with. It’s understandable that you’d feel strongly about this new connection you had. Unfortunately, the fact that we may be excited about a new relationship – regardless of the type – doesn’t always mean that the person we’re excited about feels the same way. It could well be that while you were super-hyped to have this awesome new person in your life, she didn’t feel the same way. Not that she didn’t like you or didn’t think that you were cool, just that she didn’t necessarily see you as her new BFF.

The second possibility is that your absence meant that the two of you weren’t able to keep the friendship going to the same level. One of the things we rarely think about is that friendships take both time and maintenance. It can take weeks or months to really solidify a friendship beyond being acquaintances and even then, those friendships have to be maintained. It takes seeing each other at least once every couple of weeks to keep a friendship going and preventing them from starting to fade. Considering how recently you met her and how much your illness has incapacitated you, the fact that you haven’t been able to put in those keeping-the-connection-going moments may mean that your friendship meter started depleting. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with just the way humans form and build social networks. Without active maintenance, they start to go away. Since she’s been planning more active outings that your illness has been preventing you from attending, then it’s that much harder for you two to get together and cement those bonds.

Another possibility is that she’s a little benignly self-centered; she tends to prefer things on her terms, including when and how she sees her friends. If her open-house events are her preferred way of maintaining those social networks, then the fact that you haven’t been able to make it – through no fault of your own – meant that she simply didn’t think of seeing you more often.

Along the same lines, if she’s a real social butterfly, it could well be that she’s topping out at the number of friendships or connections she can reasonably maintain; we all have only so much emotional bandwidth and we can only reasonably maintain so many social connections before some of them start to fade.

It could also be that your illness makes her uncomfortable, or that she’s just selfish and doesn’t like putting herself out there for folks she’s not already close to.

There’s not really any way of knowing, and speculating past a certain point isn’t helpful. It’s too tempting to blame yourself or go down unhelpful roads that aren’t actually connected to reality.

Now all that having been said: I think the likeliest explanation is that your connection wasn’t as tight for both of you. Not everyone bonds with other folks super-quickly and you may have had expectations that she wasn’t going to be able to fulfill at this stage in your friendship. Which is a damn shame, to be sure.

But what I wouldn’t do is assume that this is because people don’t like you. As with romantic or sexual relationships, sometimes we’ll meet people who we have insane chemistry, but we simply aren’t compatible with on some fundamental level.  And it may well suck, because they’re awesome, but it circumstances mean that it just can’t work out. Similarly, just as with romantic or sexual relationships, not every friendship is meant to last forever… or even for terribly long.

If your illness eases up or you find a treatment that makes it easier for you to get around, then it may be possible to rebuild that connection and even put in the time it takes to solidify things. Or it could well be that, circumstances being what they are, this is a friendship that you may have to let go of and prioritize ones where your friends are more willing to make space for you and your restrictions.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)