DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a little bit unsure about an experience I had recently.
Just some context. I am a nineteen year old man on the autism spectrum, high functioning. I had just completed a contract with $CARNIVAL as a ride operator. During my time as a ride operator, I was living in Burnsville to help with transportation, I normally live in Saint Paul. Now because of how hard that job was (It was not uncommon for me to work shifts that were over 12 hours long), I was feeling a very strong urge to party like crazy to blow off some pent up steam, so I did the smart thing and blew some money at Mystic Lake Casino at the Blackjack table. For your purposes, before this I have had no sexual experience, not even a kiss.
Now here is were it gets relevant for you good Doctor. I spent Sunday night after my contract ended at a Minneapolis strip club. I spent time (and hundreds of dollars) on some full contact dances with a stripper, who I may have crossed the line with or not (in terms of club rules, that is; all of the activity was consensual). The stripper, after I gave her money for full contact for a half hour, gave me permission to kiss her anywhere except her lips. So I began to kiss her all over, first her breasts then I worked my way down to her vagina. After I used my mouth on her a little bit, I fingered her a bit. In turn, after coughing up some more money, she began to rub my penis a little bit. I know I seem to have a lot of trouble just getting to the point but that’s also because of the fact that I had the feelings of “what the hell just happened” in a regretful voice in my head and also the feeling of “I just spent an obscene amount of money.”
Now before you tell me this, I am aware of the fact the stripper who I spent a lot of money on probably hated me, or at the very least thought quite poorly of my judgement. I am also, logically and intellectually, aware of the fact that strippers are very good at faking emotions and that they are experts at getting money very fast. My main question is what the hell happened between me and this stripper. Sorry if I sound confused. Even though I am autistic, I know how to function quite well in an academic and work environment.
So what the Hell happened?
Sincerely, Confused Man.
DEAR CONFUSED MAN: Here’s what happened, CM: you paid a dancer for a series of high-mileage lap dances.
Dancers, like everyone else, are going to have their own boundaries and willingness to allow physical contact beyond what’s allowed by the club (or the law). Some dancers will allow for more physical contact, especially if it means that the person in question will stick around and get more dances. A lot of dudes are more likely to want to buy more dances from someone if it means that they can get a hand full of boobs for the length of a Kanye song. Many dancers will use the suggestion (or guarantee) that even more activities may be on the menu as a way to up-sell a series of dances, a more private booth or access to the VIP room… because you’ll have more privacy, of course. On occasion, you may even come across a dancer who will do some escorting outside the club or play within the club, and do things like give a client a hand-job for an extra tip. This is – needless to say – not legal and most clubs have very specific rules about whose hands (and other bits) are allowed to go where. Some clubs are extremely vigorous in enforcing their rules, others will turn a blind eye as long as things are discrete (or the bouncer/owner are getting a cut) and there are some that are brothels in all but name.
Now as for the dancer’s feelings towards you: I doubt that she hated you or thought badly of you. Most dancers aren’t predisposed to letting someone they hate lick their nipples or let their hands slide into otherwise forbidden territory, no matter how much money the client may have. Without knowing the woman in question, I’d guess this was more of a client/provider relationship: you paid your money and got your experience, as it were. To her, this was just another day on the job. Maybe she didn’t like you much as a person, maybe she did, but it’s functionally the same as the barista that serves you your coffee or the waitstaff that brings you your meals. Sometimes the waiter thinks you’re cool, other times they wish they’d just eat your food and go.
Again, without knowing the woman in question, I couldn’t say. Some dancers have a fond relationship with their clients (especially their regulars), while others see the customers as ATMs with legs.
Now that being said: as with any service industry, there is a Professional Sexiness/Friendliness aspect in play: flirting and friendliness (or in your case, being VERY friendly) tends to mean more money for them. It’s in their financial best interest to get their customers to like them. Remember this the next time you (that is: guys who go to strip clubs) think the stripper may really like you. She might or it might be business or even both… but the odds are better that it’s business.
Lots of people end up blowing more money than they intended in the strip club. A hard d
k tends to correlate with riskier behavior and dubious decision-making, after all. The only question that remains is: do YOU feel the experience was worth what you paid? If so, then more power to you; that was money well spent. If not, then you’ve learned a valuable lesson: don’t make decisions involving money when naked women are involved.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue three weeks ago. He is going through some emotional stuff and has PTSD, and said that he still wants to see me but no longer wants any labels. He says he loves me and wants a future with me. We have been spending a lot of time together and when we are together it feels as though nothing has changed. He still kisses me and tells me that he loves me every day. However, he is now constantly messaging other girls and has taken down all pictures of us off social media.
We have so many similar interests and I’m completely in love with him. He is the one for me. He says that he needs about 2 months of not being in a relationship but still wants to see me. What does this mean? I don’t want to lose him or for him to lose love and interest in me? Please give me some advice!
Heartbroken and Lost
DEAR HEARTBROKEN AND LOST: I hate to tell you this, HaL, but what he’s telling you is that he wants to – and is actively seeking to – sleep with other women. “No labels” almost always means “no monogamy” as well.
Now, in fairness, some people are bad at asking to open up the relationship and may phrase it like this. But to be blunt: I don’t think your boyfriend is one of them. I suspect that this is a precursor to a REAL break up - one where he’s not still coming around for companionship and make-outs - once he finds someone else.
His behavior – taking down evidence of your relationship from social media while still being lovey-dovey with you – suggests that what he wants is to keep you around as a guaranteed lay while he’s out dating other women. Hiding the evidence of your existence and your relationship means that other women will see him as a free agent and he doesn’t look like a cheating piece of s
t. Meanwhile, by keeping things in this nebulous “no labels” territory, he keeps you on the line WHILE he’s checking out other women. By dangling the possibility of getting back together – the two month “trial separation”, the affection and declarations of love, etc – he keeps YOU from going out and dating other guys. That way, he always has someone to come back to if he isn’t as successful as he’d like to be.
In short: I think you’re his back-up plan and you deserve better than to be treated as the consolation prize for his junk. You can have a long and very blunt conversation about what he thinks is going on and explaining how you feel… but I think all that’s going to do is lead to a lot of bulls
t about how this is just a temporary thing and he’ll be back, etc.
I realize you may love him, but if he’s treating you like this, it speaks volumes to how little he respects you. Honestly, I’d suggest that you take this as a break-up rather than “a break” and leave his ass.
If he does come back, then you can decide whether you’re willing to take him back. But absent some serious mea culpas and making amends on his part, I wouldn’t recommend it.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, firstname.lastname@example.org)