DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My life is hell and always has been. Especially, for the last four years. I am twenty one years old chronologically, but biologically I am probably in my late thirties, early forties. This is because I have done absolutely nothing for the last four years, and I mean nothing except self destructive behavior and have my self esteem destroyed by my parents (very controlling, domineering and mean at times).

For the last four years, I have not been in education, employment or training. Almost every day, my day would be spent lying in bed on the internet, pacing around occasionally and eating a lot of junk food. That sounds very bad and it’s is, but it’s not until very  recently I have realized just what a intolerable lifestyle this is and how I could have done so much better. I hate it and always have, but for almost all of the last four years I have thought it was the best lifestyle I was capable of. I have no idea why I didn’t try to change it.

There were a couple of people who I spoke to during this time who urged me to change my ways and do something to change it. I never did, as I genuinely felt getting a job was beyond me. I know now it was not. These people remain the most positive social contact I ever had. I treated them poorly and obviously I regret that, but not as much as I do not listening to them.

What hurts most is, I used to be handsome guy three or four years ago and got a lot of attention for my looks. Now, I look nothing like that and very old and tired. Plus, my body is far too young to look and feel how it does.

I have bumped into a few people from high school, too. Their reactions always make me feel bad, as people who I know liked me always seem sad and like they pity me when they see me, whereas people I know who disliked me seem quite happy to see me now. I did not treat anyone badly in high school, so it hurts that they take pleasure in seeing me fail.

What makes it worse is that my brother is going to sixth form in September, as I did five years ago. He has a girlfriend, is going to school and recently got a job in the local cinema I almost applied for at his age (closest I ever came to applying for a job and wish I did it now). It brings back a few memories of me at that age and I can’t stop thinking of what might have been.

I regret everything about the last five years and have become the worst version of myself. It has been my dream to find somebody to love and move in with and finally be free from this prison cell, but my self destructive and lazy habits have robbed me of that hope.

I should have joined the army when I was forced to leave sixth form at 17. If I had I could have been in good health, looking great and flirting with women I like yet i am lying in my bed, unloved and alone. Is this all that life can show to me?

I feel ashamed of myself for how I lived for the last four years. I know it’s my fault I am in this mess and I should not be depressed about ruining my body and appearance as others have much worse problems. Yet, still; I must mourn!

Can I change Doc? Can I become a socially successful attractive guy and get an awesome girlfriend( my own age)? Will I finally leave home even with the poor job prospects I currently have and finally be free? What do I do?

P.S I don’t even enjoy junk food I are it because that was just how things were. My whole family had bad eating habits. How I have lived, both in terms how I treated my body and how barely did anything for four years. It all seems very silly now, but it always does afterwards, doesn’t it?

P.S.S one of those supposed reasons I didn’t apply for a job was because I was too shy for it. When I considered working a the cinema at 16 my parents actively discouraged it for that reason. I shouldn’t have listened to them.

Stuck In The Past

DEAR STUCK IN THE PAST: Alright, SiP, I sympathize. One of the hardest things to do is look at your life and decide that things need to change. So this is going to sound harsh, but trust me: it’ll help you come out stronger and better on the other side.

The first thing you need to do, SiP is let go of this all-or-nothing outlook. At the risk of pointing out the obvious, you’re making a lot of dramatic pronunciations without any actual weight or evidence behind them. I mean sure, you’ve been eating crap and living a sedentary lifestyle, but that’s not the same thing as having aged yourself prematurely. It just means you ate a lot of processed crap and didn’t exercise.

(Hell, in a lot of places, we call that “being a college student”)

And y’know, it’s a shame that you’ve been doing that for the last few years but it’s hardly an irreversible condition. In fact, considering that you’re 21, you can probably turn things around quickly, with minor adjustments to your lifestyle and diet. Just cutting out junk food, sodas and processed carbs can result in some pretty significant improvements to your health. Similarly, just getting up and walking for an hour a day will do wonders for you and your cardiovascular health.

But the bigger issue here is… well, are you going to choose to do it. You’ve framed all of this as being out of your control. Even your solution is for somebody else to save you from yourself. But that’s never going to happen. Hell, the closest that’s come to your fantasy were your friends who tried to get you out of your rut.

Nobody’s going to ride to your rescue, so you may as well save yourself. If – and that’s a mighty big if – you choose to do so.

That’s your biggest issue here: you’ve chosen, over and over again, to do nothing. You chose not to apply for jobs, you’ve chosen to eat crap and lay around and feel sorry for yourself. These are all things that are well within your control, man. But you have to decide that you’re going to actually make those changes.

And the first step is to take responsibility. Not in the self-pitying “woe is me” posture you’ve taken on, but to accept that you are in a hell of your own making. It sucks that you let things get to the level that you have, but you did. But just as you put yourself into this mess, you can dig yourself back out of it again. It doesn’t need to be a massive change; in fact, massive changes are more likely to hinder you; you’re more likely to give up early on. Small changes, micro-revolutions that show you that you’re not powerless will help build the foundation that will let you build the life you want.

Don’t worry about what your brother is doing; he’s on his own journey, not yours. What he does with his life is just that: it’s his life. It’s no reflection on yours. Similarly, don’t worry about the haters. Their disdain has nothing to do with you and their supposed enjoyment of your situation doesn’t affect you any more than you allow it to. Someone looking down their nose at you can sting, but only if you accept their judgement as valid in the first place.

You’re young and in the prime of life SitP. You have the benefits of your age and place in life. You have few debts, you have the metabolism and energy of youth and you don’t have obligations that limit what you can do or where you can work or live. You can go out tomorrow and start finding work; maybe not the most glamorous of employment, but even just working at the cinema is a foundation for change.

But only if you choose to take those chances. Only if you make the conscious decision to take control of your life.

It’s your life. It’s within your power. It’s up to you to make it happen.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ll start by saying what most people do: I LOVE your blog. There’s a lot in here that has helped me so much in many social aspects, plus it’s just fun to read your posts.

To cut straight to it, my dating and romantic life is pretty much non-existent. I’m 28, with a pretty decent job and career ambition. I have only what I can describe as an aversion on most days, and a lack of skill on others, in regards to interacting and flirting with women I like on a romantic level. I’ve been told by lady friends that I’m not bad to look at, that I’m a “good/great guy, etc” and although I find it hard to believe given my lack of success in the dating realm, I also know that my confidence is low, so I try to take the compliment(s) to heart instead of my own self-limiting beliefs. However, at the risk of sounding somewhat like the others with similar problems, there are some factors that certainly don’t help my chances, and I’d wager that at least of them are rather unique.

I’m about 5’7, definitely a nerdy guy, and I was born with a “small” but noticeable birth defect in my hand. It doesn’t hinder me from much, but it looks pretty weird, and when people notice, I can tell. Most people tend to stare. It definitely has led to some confidence issues and approach anxiety, since I HAVE been rejected, judged, etc. due to this in the past (school kids are dicks. Who knew?). Making a good first impression that much harder, and in some cases, undoes the first impression.

I do try to actively remind myself that these factors do not necessarily mean I’m doomed to be forever alone, nor do they mean that I’m doomed to be alone forever, as I’ve had romantic and sexual success in the past, but that success has always been few and far between, and for the last few years I feel like I’ve gotten worse when it comes to women to say the least, and I can’t help but think these things are working against me, and that there’s nothing I can do about it.

I always end up being the friend, and while I understand there’s nothing wrong with just being friends with women, it kinda becomes discouraging that every woman I find myself interested in ends up rejecting me on that level.

I’ve been reading and internalizing a lot of your advice, from trying to lead a more interesting life and pursuing my hobbies alone, to reevaluating my fear of failure, adopting and applying an abundance mentality, and so on, but it doesn’t seem as if I’m getting anywhere. I know my overall confidence is still in major need of work, but it feels as if something else isn’t clicking. Maybe it is just me and I need to accept that while I may not be the worst pick, I’m still not good enough.

I honestly hate the idea of throwing a pity party for myself because it changes nothing, but I don’t know how else to view the situation. It seems more like a reality than just a self-limiting belief. Any help you could provide would be awesome.

Sincerely, 

The Hand I Was Dealt

DEAR THE HAND I WAS DEALT: Here’s the thing about life when you’re visibly different, THIWD: it becomes a superpower. You’re gifted with the ability to see which people are shallow assholes and which people are worth getting to know. People may react with surprise when they see your birth defect at first, but you’ll quickly find the people who will accept it as just a detail about who you are and the people who will treat it as some sort of sign of God’s divine disfavor or who will think that an issue with your hand means you’re somehow deficient.

Yeah, this means that there will be many people who’re gonna get filtered out, you have to ask yourself: are these people you’d actually want in your life?

And honestly, being unique works out to your advantage in the long run.  You want to nail that first impression and set their expectations of you, but letting them get to know you and your uniqueness – including your hand – means that you become more appealing to them as a person. Don’t be ashamed of your uniqueness; your hand may not be something a lot of people expect or have ever seen before, but it’s part of your story and what makes you, you. And I think we can both agree that you’re pretty awesome.

The other thing to keep in mind: you’re not Charles Xavier. You can’t read people’s minds and you have no real idea why people might turn you down. One of the things that’s tricky to remember is that the things we think are obvious or consequential to us aren’t necessarily what other people are focused on. It’s easy to assume that it has to be That One Thing that looms so large in your mind – especially if it’s particularly visible – but you have no idea if it’s actually that or something else entirely. The more you focus on That One Thing – your hand, in this case – the more it looms in your attitude and the way you act when you meet people. That, in turn, makes it harder for you to connect with folks; you’re essentially pushing them away first, even if you aren’t aware of it.

Yes, there may be folks who can’t get past your hand, but clearly there are people who can – your own romantic history is confirmation of that. It’s part of who you are and shaped you into who you are today, but it’s not what defines you. Never forget that.

You got this.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve got quite the problem, I’m shy, introverted, and never really get out. I’ll start with my biggest problem, I don’t get out much. I go to college and work and that’s about it. About once or twice a month I’ll hang out with friends but that’s as much as I get out of the house. I used to get out a lot more, but as my friends got older they took on more hobbies, extracurricular activities, and some got girlfriends, so all their time was taken up and that has left me with no excuses to get out of the house. I’d love to get out more but going places without people you know is always kind of intimidating. What would you recommend I do to feel more comfortable when I’m out without people I know? What are some kinds of places or activities would you recommend for going out to meet new people, maybe some new friends or maybe some ladies.

My other problem is partly because I’m shy. I’m not completely shy; like I can hold a conversation on something I’m knowledgable or passionate about, but I can’t carry on a conversation very long by myself. I also am clueless on how to start up a conversation (with the ladies) in a situation where you wouldn’t normally meet. If I were at school or at work,I can easily start up a conversation with my female coworkers or classmates since I have a solid reason to, like just talking to pass the time at work or start talking about something related to the class, and can go from there in the conversation. But, in a situation where it is a completely random girl, I have no idea how I would even say hello without it being weird. Since I’m someone she doesn’t know who doesn’t have any real reason to talk to her out of nowhere, how would I even approach her without being weird? So basically how would I start up a conversation with a girl I’ve never met before and have no reason to talk to her but I’d like to get to know her? And then even after that how would I direct a conversation so it could be something I am knowledgeable on or passionate about so I can actually talk and not sit there like a log awkwardly? And what are some ways to keep the conversation from being dull?

And lastly, I’m more of a person who only talks when the subject is about something I’m knowledgeable about or am passionate about because I don’t want to say something that would make me sound like an idiot, so I end up just being someone who only listens in most conversations. How could I enter a conversation on something I don’t know much about without sounding like an idiot or completely derailing the conversation?

Thanks,

Pink Slip

DEAR PINK SLIP: Ok PS, this is one of the times when the answers to your questions all build off one another. Take, for example, how you start overcoming your shyness and get out of the house more… even when you don’t have anyone to go with.

The first thing I always recommend to people is that they leverage their interests. You want to find ways of taking the things you already love or are passionate about and find ways to use them to meet like-minded folks. If, for example, you like tabletop games or RPGs, it’s worth hitting up your local gaming store. They’ll often have tabletop nights to bring people together to play boardgames, host RPG groups and have other get-togethers for people who’re into dice, boards and miniatures. You might also seek out events like pub-quizzes, especially if the group running them will help put you together on a team. If you’re feeling more physical, then you might try an amateur sports league. There are also frequently Meet-Ups on many different topics; finding a couple of these is a great way to meet folks who share your interests.

But one thing to keep in mind is that you need to go more than once. In fact, becoming a regular – whether it’s to a gaming event, a pub quiz or even a bar – is part of how you start learning how to overcome your shyness. The more you become a fixture at these events, the more comfortable you become; you’ll feel more familiar with the venue or the event, you’ll feel as though you have a better grasp on the unwritten etiquette and mores, and you’ll start seeing many of the same faces over and over again. Even if you’re only on a nodding acquaintance with them, it will help you feel more at home, as it were, to see folks you recognize. That, in turn, will help you feel like you’ll be in a position to join in conversations or to start them yourself.

Speaking of which: I think that you, like many folks, are seriously overthinking what it takes to start a conversation. How many times, for example, have you been standing around some place – at a bar, in line at Starbucks, waiting for class to start – and someone makes an idle comment or observation? Somebody else responds and suddenly, a conversation’s broken out.

That is 90% of starting a conversation. It’s almost always a simple question or observation and things go from there. If you look at the various “openers” that pick-up artists talk about, you’ll quickly see how many of them are simple questions. Even the more elaborate routines – like the famous “Jealous Girlfriend” opener – start as asking somebody for their opinion about something, then pivoting to getting to know them better. And honestly, you can start a conversation with just about anything, including a direct “hey, you seem like you’re really interesting and I wanted to say ‘hi’. My name is…”

What you don’t want to do is try to force a conversation to go in a particular direction. I realize you feel more comfortable when it’s a subject you know a lot about… but not everybody is going to be interested in those subjects, nor are they always going to want to talk about them right then and there. After all, other folks are going to have things they like to talk about. In fact, understanding that is like a conversational super-power. As I’m often saying: we all love to find someone who wants to hear what we think about something. Most of the time we meet people who are just waiting for their turn to talk; finding somebody who wants to listen is rare and precious. The thing to keep in mind is that not knowing something doesn’t make you stupid or foolish; it just means that you don’t know something. Instead of trying to pretend that you’re actually knowledgeable about the subject, ask questions. Let them tell you about it, while you ask clarifying questions or try to make sure you’re understanding them correctly.

This is why you shouldn’t be afraid of being an active listener and asking relevant questions – especially if you don’t know much about the topic. The fact that you’re paying attention and want to know more makes them feel good, and they’ll associate those good feelings with you. This, in turn, invokes the Reward Theory of Attraction – we prioritize our relationships with folks who make us feel good.

I realize that meeting new folks can feel intimidating, but I promise you: it’s not nearly as difficult or as intimidating as you think. A willingness to let other folks talk, to listen and to show that you’re listening, and to adopt a learning mindset instead of trying to show how big your brain is will go a long way to improving your social life and social skills.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have enjoyed reading your column and listening to your podcast. I’m a straight white cis male in my mid thirties just getting out of a relationship that lasted 10+ years. The type of relationship which I thought was going to be my last, where we lived together for years, where all our friends know each other, where we were the most important people in one another’s lives. Ending the relationship was my call and I know that it was the right thing to do. Things had been getting bad for years and weren’t going to get better.

I feel vaguely optimistic about what’s next in my life but also am aware I am in a pretty emotionally vulnerable place. Most days are good but this is a whole new world for me. I’m not looking for dating advice per se, that doesn’t seem like something I want to dive into right away, but life advice on how to keep in touch with myself, get ready for whatever is next and avoid any potential pitfalls along my way.  Any advice for the newly single and not really ready to mingle? 

Best,

Enjoying The Silence

DEAR ENJOYING THE SILENCE: My go-to advice for folks who are newly single – whether they want to be or not – is to focus on yourself. What are the things that bring meaning to your life, that make you want to get up in the morning? These are the things that you should prioritize in your day to day life. Is there a project that you’ve been meaning to start, a trip you’ve wanted to take or some other event that you’ve left on the back-burner for a while? Now’s the perfect time to pursue it. Not only will this help keep you from dwelling about being newly single, but it’ll make you feel better about yourself; you’ll have a sense of accomplishment and achievement and you’ll feel like you’re doing something with your life instead of being stuck in a rut or floating along aimlessly.

The other thing that you’ll want to do is start focusing on the other, non-romantic relationships in your life. One of the unfortunate side-effects of a lot of our relationships is that they tend to be the primary focus of our time and energy. As a result, we have a tendency to let our other relationships slip down the priority ladder. Taking the time to reconnect with friends you haven’t seen in a while and maintain the friendships with folks you have been seeing is an important part of anybody’s life, but especially when you’re single again. Not only is it important to have a Team You in your life, but it’s good to remind yourself that there are other folks in your life – folks who love and care for you.

Taking the time to rest up and build a life that you’re thrilled to live, single or otherwise, is going to be key for moving forward. Because when you have that awesome life and you’re ready to date again? Then it’ll be that much easier to find someone who’ll want to take part in it.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently read your book “I Got Her Number, Now What?” but didn’t think it completely applied to the situation I am in/ questions I have.

I met this woman in Vegas, she was in our group of friends but I didn’t know her prior. We ended up going on a mini date and kissing and cuddling. She lives in Pittsburgh and I live in Philadelphia. I texted her and based on the book, I can tell I made some mistakes by killing the momentum and being boring. She has left me on read twice, but after the first time she responded to my funny text, we had some back and forth and then once again she left me on read because of the momentum.

My question is should I apply the same fundamentals for someone that lives long distance? Keep the texts short, fun, and lead to a date or try and get to know her, since dates will be few and far between? Since it is long distance, we won’t be able to meet for a decent amount of time, in that case how much should I text her after she’s agreed to the date? Say she says she is free to go on a date in 3 weekends?

Thanks,

West Philadelphia, Born and Raised

DEAR WEST PHILADELPHIA, BORN AND RAISED: One thing you’re going to want to keep in mind: sometimes folks aren’t going to respond – keeping you on read – because they don’t have anything to say. It’d be nice if they sent an emoji or other indicator that they read whatever you sent and liked it, but on occasion there’s simply nothing to respond to.

Now as for your situation, distance is going to be a problem. The guidelines in my book were written with a view towards dating people who live within easy driving distance. Unless you and she are in the habit of travelling to each other’s cities on the regular, it’s going to be difficult to propose a date if the two of you haven’t already been a little flirty and leading towards a conversation of “well, I’d love to see you if you’re ever in town.” It’s easier to propose a date with someone who’s in easy driving distance because it’s less of an ask; it’s not as much time out of their lives, nor does it feel as though you’re asking for more than just a date.

It’s one thing to ask somebody “hey, how do you feel about cocktails and pinball?” when they live in town with you. There simply isn’t as much of an investment of time and effort. If someone’s coming to your town specifically to see you, then it can feel like there’s more on the line. After all, they’ve come all that way; that makes it feel like the expectations are higher and more impactful, and that can make folks a little uncomfortable.

Now, if you happen to have business – actual business, not a BS excuse – to go to her town or vice versa, then it’s much easier to propose a date. “Hey, I’ll be in town for a work thing, would you like to get together?” feels far less consequential than “I’ve spent X amount of dollars and hours just to see you”.

So were I you, I’d feel out just where things are going. If the conversation is already heading in flirty directions, then by all means, propose the date. If not, then I’d say focus on the getting to know one another more and see where things are going.

And if you do plan a date together, then keep things light, friendly and flirty in between. Just don’t make the date itself a constantly recurring subject of conversation, outside of firming up plans. If it feels like you’re obsessing about the date or making a big deal out of it, it may make her feel uncomfortable about what exactly you’re expecting. It’s one thing to be excited and looking forward to it. It’s another when you KEEP talking about it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a nerdy guy in high school and while I’m not particularly looking for any relationship, I never feel like I could ever be in one. My crush is way, way out of my league (not in a popular clique way, just in I assume I wouldn’t get the time of day and I’ve waited to long to make a move) and all the time I feel obscenely average. Sure, I get better grades than a lot of people, which then makes me feel guilty that I whine, but I don’t feel much in the self-worth department. Then there’s the guy I call TDP

TDP is Too Damn Perfect. He’s someone I am friends with but half the time want to rip his throat out. You see, I sit next to him in lessons, and every time he recites a particular anecdote, or performs some amazing magic trick or slight of hand, I want to punch him in the face then inevitably be destroyed by his black belt Tae kwon do skills (After mockingly berating my for calling it karate)

See where I’m going with this? From my perspective this guy has it all, a string of romantic interests, good sports skills, way better at all subjects, general knowledge, and most infuriatingly, nerdy interests that he can dive into.

He’s a good guy, and obviously not trying to make me feel like crap, but he does. If I ever brig up the subject he’ll just go on about how he’s not the best, and he hates that, and complain about it. Similar to what I do but, hey ho, I’ve never had a real relationship (move on to that later….)

It really doesn’t help that TDP is a member of the band I’m in (It’s definitely not mine). Playing bass is about the only interesting thing I do, and while I can play, I only have a basic knowledge of actual playing, rather than anything technical. So when TDP comes in talking about scales and fancy Italian words I want to hit him with his drumsticks. To top it all off he can play bass at what I perceive to be the same as my level, which brings me out in red. 

Usually I can suppress this anger and just hang around him. But every so often he’ll say one harmless comment which I take as particularly condescending and and up pissed for the rest of the day. I know I need to get over myself and live my own life, but this cycle and getting pissed and leaving it needs to stop and you’re the harsh talking kind of guy to do it. I feel insecure, worthless, and end up wondering just what are my chances with a woman if they can pick the superior guy next to me?

Now, I’ll mention relationships now. I’ve had pretty much no action in my life. I tried to get to know someone over Facebook (pathetic, I know) and that just fizzled, and while I’ve had a couple offers, they’ve all been from people I consider friends, nothing else there. The only action I’ve ever had is at a boozy party. My mates decided it was time they really got pissed, and being boring as hell, I didn’t like the idea at all. Still, I went, barely had a drop, but the interesting thing is a drunk chick (who I don’t know) coming onto me. Seeing because I’m lame and old-fashioned, I did not want to take advantage of her when drunk, so just pushed her away. At school I was getting ribbed by my friends and she was apologizing profusely , noting how she gave ‘a bad first impression’ and ‘would want to talk as normal people’. End of the week my band was playing an open mike night and she and her friends were there. After a crap load of peer pressure, I was pushed towards her sitting alone, and we talked. And kissed. I was pretty on top of the world- first kiss, first chance of a relationship, I was clapping myself on the back for not taking advantage…

Then it fell apart. I hung out with her and her friends for the day a few days later, and it was okay at first, but she seemed distant later on in retrospect. Day after, by text of all things, she confesses how she was only liking me as a friend and it wasn’t going to work out.

Fan-bloody-tastic. 

In retrospect I was more into the idea of a relationship than one specifically with her, but still it hurt. No-one seemed to ask about it at all, so I kept it bottled up. This came with the insecurities of thinking if one day is all it takes for someone to not stand me, then I must be unattractive as hell. Plus I haven’t talked to her since then, so I really have no closure whatsoever.  To bring it full circle though, she mentioned how someone was annoyed at her for coming onto me in the first place, because the other girl had a thing for me,  and then my crush, as a passing comment, noted she hated her (The drunk). My brain put two and two together, and I came to the conclusion my crush may like me!

Of course that is more wishful thinking. I know it is extremely unlikely it’s connected, yet it has brought my infatuation with my crush to new heights. My lack of self esteem, proneness to jealousy, hatred of the social hierarchy, fear of being a fool, and knowing I’ve missed my chance prevents me from doing anything. Besides, as you’ve said, high-school romances suck (though not from where I’m standing…)  

So what can you prescribe Doc? I am assuming a bottle of Man-The-Hell-Up and some Get-The-Hell-Over-Yourself are going to be useful, with some added Believe-In-Yourself and that snake oil. It’s been good to vent anyhow, I just want to know, when the hell can I stop comparing myself to others and start getting to places with women? I’m guessing college, but that’s just too far away…

Pretty Bloody Average

DEAR PRETTY BLOODY AVERAGE: You answered your own question, PBA. You’re in high school. I’ve written about dealing with dating and crushes in high school before, but the short version is: quit worrying about it. I know it seems like your entire universe now and escape seems like a lifetime away, but the purpose of high school is to lay the groundwork for who you’re going to grow into. Spend less time worrying about getting action now and more time putting in the hours that will lead to you being knee-deep in women later.

But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about, PBA.

I wanted to talk to you about Too Damn Perfect.

In some ways, it’s nice to have a nemesis. It gives you an external source that you can focus your attention on, someone who you can put all the blame on. He makes for an excellent excuse for everything that isn’t going right in your life.

‘Cuz in a lot of ways, that’s what you’re doing. You’re shirking your responsibility and putting it all on him. I don’t blame you. Who needs to scale Everest when Sir Hillary got there first? Right? Right?

You’re hardly alone though. Just about everyone has a nemesis like Too Damn Perfect. Hell, I had two; my brother and my friend Miles. Miles looked like the bastard love child of Rob Lowe and Zac Effron. He was popular. He could sing. He played guitar. He could be goofy in that endearing way that women adore. He excelled at sports. He was the genuinely the nicest guy you could ever meet. And there were times I wanted to throw acid in his face. As long as Miles was around, I would disappear into the woodwork; most of us would because well… c’mon. He was Miles. How the hell are you supposed to compete with that? I had women run right over me to get to him when we would hang out.

If he weren’t one of my oldest and dearest friends, I’d totally hate him.

And you know what? It was completely one-sided. Miles had no idea1 that I resented the hell out of him showing me up just by existing.

(Until now. Hey Miles! Love ya, buddy!)

As far as he was concerned, everything was great. Because if you ignored my self-centered emo bulls

t, it really was. Every problem I had with Miles was all in my head.

I hope you see where this is going.

You’re expending an insane amount of mental energy and wangst on your nemesis. I imagine you start grinding your teeth every time he just glides his cool-ass down the hall like the cool dude he is and you’re stuck wondering what he’s doing right that you’re not.

Wanna know what Too Damn Perfect’s doing right? It’s in what he’s not doing.

He’s not spending all of his time griping about someone else. 

It’s time for The Chair Leg of Truth: there will always be people who are better looking than you, smarter than you, smoother than you or more skilled than you. This is true whether you’re Pretty Bloody Average, Dr. NerdLove or Brad goddamn Pitt. The sooner you quit complaining that these people exist – as though they are somehow responsible for your failures – the sooner you will actually start seeing them as the resources they are.

Y’see, after I started working on how to get better with women, I quickly realized that the best thing I could do is to surround myself with people who are better than me. I hung out with some of the best pick-up artists, smooth talkers and natural ladies men out there. And you know what? It made me better. To be sure, it could be damaging as hell to my ego to watch my friends snag the hottest women at the bar while I was going home alone to an ever-increasing porn collection, but watching them drove me to improve myself. I had to make the mental switch from resenting them for their successes to being inspired to do better myself. If I had hung around with people at my own level or lower, I’d be enjoying the ego-strokes, sure… but I wouldn’t feel the need to push myself past my limits or to get out there and keep pounding away at my sticking points.

And this included Miles. Once I understood that my issues and shortcomings were my responsibility, I began to see him in a new light. He wasn’t my nemesis. He was (and still is) my friend and an inspiration to me.

Too Damn Perfect isn’t sabotaging you. He’s not letting you do all the work and then swooping in and stealing your girl out from under you. He’s not going out of his way to screw with your head. He’s just hanging out, being a genuinely good guy… who happens to be everything you wish you were. If you’re pissed about how you can’t meet a girl because someone so cool is right next to you, then you have two choices: you can either try to escape Mr. Cool – which is the coward’s way out – or you can cowboy the hell up and start making yourself cooler. The fact that TDP is awesome does not in any way limit your potential coolness. Only you are doing that. You’re giving him power he doesn’t have and attributing responsibilities for things that aren’t his fault.

You’re the one in control of your brain, PBA. Flip the switch. Reframe the situation. Too Damn Perfect isn’t holding you back or taking anything away from you. Once you realize that, you’ll come to realize that he’s one of the best potential friends you could have.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)