DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 25-year-old woman in a weird place in my dating/sex life right now. For a long time, I thought I was a lesbian, until about a year ago when I dated a guy. Unfortunately, I was so anxious about how to be good in a relationship/sexual with a guy, I kind of sent it to it’s doom. Then I went on a date with another guy about six months later and I was kind of coerced into sleeping with him, and he was the first guy I slept with and this gave me even more anxiety.

To help me get over my sexual anxiety with guys, I started having a friends with benefits thing with someone I trusted would actually respect my sexual wishes and wouldn’t make me feel like I couldn’t have input. Now though, the thing seems to be that guys ONLY seem to want sex from me. The last date I went on, I thought I really connected with the guy, but he kept pushing for me to sleep with him, and probably was being way too sexual for a first date (I.E. talking about how he had a boner).

So I guess, my questions are: 1. Does having a friends with benefits situation mean that guys I might date in the future will consider me slutty?, 2. How do I tell if a guy wants to date or just wants sex? and 3. How do I let a guy know whether I want sex or just dating in terms of body language or without being too direct?

Any help would be appreciated.

Bewitched, Bewildered and Befuddled

DEAR BEWITCHED, BEWILDERED AND BEFUDDLED: Here’s something I want you to realize: you’re not alone in this. Like other folks who’ve written in — this week even — you’ve had a fairly circuitous route to your sexuality. As I’ve said before, sexuality isn’t as carved in stone as we like to think. It’s not even a spectrum, so much as it is a multi-axis graph and series of slides. Some people may be staunchly heterosexual or homosexual, some may be bi or pansexual and some folks may slide around attraction over time… just as it seems to have been in your case. That can be an inadvertent source of confusion and anxiety, especially if you’ve spent most of your life identifying one way or another.

Of course, this is going to lead to something of an adjustment period as you start getting used to the social mores of dating men in addition to/ instead of women. You’re used to one set of experiences when it comes to dating and now you’re dealing with something that’s familiar, yet just different enough to be anxiety-producing – a dating uncanny valley as it were. This is can take some getting used to; the skill-sets are essentially the same, but the applications can be different enough to be confusing. Gender roles, particularly surrounding dating, can be a pain in the ass that way.

And let’s be fair: you have some legit reasons to be anxious. Not only are you exploring a different side of yourself, but you’ve had some seriously awful experiences.

But hey! You bounced back from that and you then went and found a good guy to be with – someone who was caring and respectful, listened to you and deferred to your limits and wishes. That’s awesome. 

Unfortunately, the guys afterwards… not quite as awesome. But here’s the thing: there’s a difference between correlation and causation, B3. The issue isn’t that you had a FWB relationship with someone and now everyone thinks you’re a slut, the problem is that you seem to be dating jerks.

The first thing you should be doing is figuring out some screening techniques to filter out the jackasses sooner rather than later.

Unfortunately, part of the way you learn to filter out these goombas is through experience. Womp womp.

Learning how to tell guys who just want sex versus those who want a relationship is something you learn over time. People of all genders come on a spectrum; there will be guys who will be very obvious about just wanting to fuck and there will be guys who are so restrained that you’ll wonder if they actually see you as a potential partner or just a good friend. There will be guys who will fake wanting to date just so they can get sex and there will be guys who are super-sexual but who’re totally down with something committed. Most of the time, you figure out who’s who by their behavior; are they respectful, or are they pushy? Do they acknowledge your boundaries, or do they take every opportunity to tell you what they want from you?

Let’s take the dude you mention in your letter. You thought you were connecting with this guy. He, on the other hand, seemed to think that this connection was going to be leading straight to his bed and he was being a pushy ass about it. I’m all in favor of some sexy flirting and banter, but there’s flirting and then there’s being an asshat. There’s a time and place for bringing up one’s boner (i.e. heavy make-out sessions). Trying to steer the conversation to sex when you’re not down? Asshat behavior.

Now, I do have a couple questions for you. You’re worried that guys will think you’re a slut because you’ve had a FWB relationship… but how, exactly are they finding this out? If you’re laying out your sexual history – especially on a first date – they might be assuming that you’re signaling that you’re looking for more of the same. As a general rule, if you (general you, not you, B3) are talking about sex a lot on a date – sex you’ve had, sex you’d like to have, etc – it’s likely going to be seen as a sign that you’re down to bone. Which is awesome if you are, but if not, you’re going to end up with some confusion. Same thing with signaling that you’re just looking to date – if you’re bringing up kids, marriage and vacation plans on a first date, people will assume that you’re looking to settle down ASAP, even if that’s not what you mean.

Keep in mind: trying to establish the kind of relationship you’re looking for on a first or even third date can be difficult; one person’s “this is totally casual” is another’s “we’re feeling out potential commitment”.

One of the things I think may be causing you problems is the assumption that wanting to fuck and wanting to date are two entirely different beasts. There can be a lot of overlap there; many, many happy long-term relationships have started out of one-night stands and casual relationships. But if you want to take things at a relaxed pace – totally understandable considering your history and anxieties surrounding sex – then make sure to maintain your boundaries. Having boundaries is part of how you filter out the asshats. Good guys will respect your limits, and the guys who want the same things you do will proceed at the pace you want. As

*les will push and push (case in point, Captain BonerTalk); feel free to kick these dudes to the curb.

But honestly, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being direct and up front with what you want. Letting someone know you want to bone is fairly easy. Signaling that you want to date through body language is… kinda awkward and uncertain. Holding back on sleeping with someone isn’t any more reliable a sign that you’re headed to commitment than sleeping with them on the first date is a sign that you’re not. Guys who’re uncomfortable with your being straightforward about what you’re looking for are demonstrating to you that you’re likely not compatible in the first place.

The other thing to keep in mind: dating men as someone who’s bi or pansexual isn’t really all that different from dating women. There may be some adjustments – after all, some guys are seriously uptight about gender roles and performance when it comes to relationships, while others are more flexible – but you’ve done this before. The plumbing may be different but the hearts are the same.

So establish your boundaries, B3 and find the pace that you’re comfortable with. Find the guys who’re willing to respect them. And don’t be afraid to advocate for what you want, whether it’s sex or something more long-term.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ll keep this brief – I just turned 28 years old and am not looking for a serious relationship. Not now. I am currently working on some things in my life. The past couple of years have been a struggle for various reasons, and while I’ve kicked my ass to the point where I’m doing better, I still have to Improve myself mentally and physically before I can have something to offer.

That said, I am concerned about my future dating prospects. Lots of people from work, old colleagues from school, old friends and so on, are getting engaged and married. This is a surprise to me, as I assumed most people my age would wait till their mid-30’s, and now I’m worried. Forget about being in a serious relationship – I’ve never even dated. Anxieties, social and sexual got in the way, although when I look back I can’t think of anyone I knew who would have been compatible. Suddenly, I’ve been obsessively reading about when the right age to marry is. Apparently, it’s 28-32! Each year past that is 5% more likely to end in divorce! That gives me less than four years to date enough people before I’m sure I’ve found a compatible partner to share my life with! I’m not even dating material yet!!!!Of course, I’m self aware enough to know that some people marry late. But it’s less common, and I’m deeply frightened that by the time I’m ready, it will be harder to find someone, because there will be fewer people my age that haven’t tied the knot.

I think you’ll tell me that everyone goes at their own pace, based on other articles I’ve read on this site. You’ll also tell me that there’s no cutoff point to losing virginity. But I don’t care about my virginity. I don’t just want to get laid in a one night stand. I want to find someone to share my life with. With that in mind… should I be concerned?

I don’t want to rush into a relationship and end up with someone incompatible or abusive – something my Mom’s warned me about. But I also am depressed about the thought of spending my life alone.

Any feedback or advice – about dealing with this anxiety, about challenges that I can expect, or whether it’s too late and I should just give up (ha ha just kidding please don’t tell me it’s too late) – will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for all the work you’ve done, and for reading this far!

Regards,

Roadblocked

DEAR ROADBLOCKED: Alright, I want to give you a little secret, Roadblocked. This is something that I’m not supposed to tell you about marriage, so I need you to lean in close. Ready?

The right age to get married is… when you’re ready.

That’s it.

There is no magical formula about the “ideal” time to marry because what makes a marriage “work” has nothing to do with age and everything to do with the people involved. There’s no age that is going to divorce-proof your marriage because there’s no such thing. The whole “X% more likely” is horses

t. It’s trying to apply statistics and math to social issues by people who understand neither. Every relationship you have will eventually end, until one doesn’t.

And the fact of the matter is: the fact that your relationship ended – even if you got divorced – isn’t a bad thing. It doesn’t mean that your relationship failed; it just means it came to its conclusion. We all grow and change over time, and sometimes a relationship that is right for us at one part of our life isn’t going to be right for us in the future. That doesn’t mean that it was bad or you did anything wrong; it just means that it was what you needed at that time in your life and now you’ve both grown past it and it’s time to begin the next stage of your adventure.

And if you’re self-aware to know that people don’t necessarily marry at 32, then you should also know that people find themselves single again at 33… and at 43… and 53. Getting married young doesn’t mean that they’re forever off the market. Marriages end, partners pass away, people realize that their partner isn’t the person they should be with. Nor does it mean that they won’t want to date someone who hasn’t been married before. People who’ve been married before get married to people who’ve never been married before all the goddamn time.

You, my friend, need to take a long, deep breath. You’re losing your shit over patently false information and robbing your own future happiness for no reason. You have no reason to rush. All you’re losing right now is a good night’s sleep because you’re freaking yourself out. Slow down and relax. Take your time, date around and find people you really click with. Love and marriage will come in time… but not if you rush into it because you’re trying to beat a clock that doesn’t actually exist.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently stumbled on your article on being an older virgin from a Google search. I have been morbidly obese all my life, and I am a virgin at 41. I am putting all my energy into an aggressive weight loss program at the minute, as well as addressing other issues in my life. In preparation of my weight-loss regimen, I stacked up on Men’s Health mags. I read constantly on all aspects of life. Which includes sexuality.

In preparation of my new bod, I decided to tackle the Men’s Health Big Book of Sex. I plan on losing my virginity with my new bod. I know that getting laid won’t be an issue, because there a lot of options out there. Unfortunately, reading the aforementioned Book of Sex, I found out something i never realized before. The male penis angles on erection to hit the G-Spot. It’s angled the most at the ages between 20 and 30. After that, it loses its angle gradually. In addition, there are other flaws that begin to hinder male sexuality including increased refraction times, etc.

My question now is; is it even worth it to lose my virginity after 40? The woman I am with certainly won’t be as happy with my biological shortcomings (no pun intended) and I’m not so sure I will be as happy with them either.In addition, it seems all the best years of sex are now far behind me on the field of life. I never have dated, or even kissed, a woman. That means all the memories I could have had of being 18 and in love, or 20 and in love, etc. are gone. And the physical element of my sexuality is slowly being destroyed as well. Should I even try at this point?

Waited Too Long

DEAR WAITED TOO LONG: You need to ditch the book, WTL because you’re getting some bad advice and it’s going to your head. All those “biological shortcomings” you’re thinking of are bulls

t and it’s just scaring you out of pursuing the life and goals you’ve always wanted.

Let’s start with the angle of yer dangle: it means precisely diddly-squat when it comes to pleasing women. Here’s the part that apparently got left out of the manual there: most women don’t – and some can not –  achieve orgasm from penetration. In fact, the obsession with penetration and the idea that this is the real or “right” way to make women come is why a lot of guys are really bad in bed. While you will occasionally find someone who does get off from penile penetration, most women aren’t going to, regardless of whether your penis is at an angle, straight ahead, curved like a banana or bent like a twisty straw. And just like penises are different, every woman’s vagina is going to be different too. Just as some guys are large and wide and others are narrow and short, women’s vaginas are going to be differing sizes and lengths. There isn’t going to be one “perfect” angle because deviance is the norm when it comes to your junk.

Not to denigrate my fellow penis-havers, but the magic stick ain’t all that magical. Here’s what will help women get off: deep, full kissing, using your hands and fingers and good oral sex. That, more than anything else, is going to be what it takes to please a woman.

You know what else is going to please her? Listening skills. Being able to take direction with an open mind and a willingness to learn; when a woman tells you “do this there, touch me like that, use this amount of pressure”, they want you to do exactly that and not be the guy  – like so many others they’ve slept with – who’ll keep doing what they were doing before or stop doing what they asked and do something else. Other things you can do: get comfortable with using toys. Try new ways of having sex that don’t prioritize penetration. And, critically: not losing your damn mind if things don’t go perfectly. Refraction times aren’t a problem when you’ve got two hands and a can-do attitude. A penis that doesn’t perform the way you might want in the moment is nothing compared to a guy who isn’t threatened by a Magic Wand or a Silver Bullet.

Seriously man: you’ve been putting in a lot of hard work and that’s admirable, but you’re spending more time convincing yourself that you’re going to fail before you even try. All you’re doing is robbing yourself of your future happiness by inventing new and bulls

t ways to be miserable. Love doesn’t mean less because you found it in your forties instead of your twenties. Sex isn’t less good because you didn’t start as a tween. You didn’t “miss out”, you’re not getting “second class” love and affection.

All that’s happening is you’re going to be dealing with love and sex at a time when you have more life experience and emotional maturity than other people did. Spend less time thinking about what you could or “should” have had and take that time and energy looking forward to the amazing things you will have.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Let’s get my basic history out of the way: I am a 23-year-old guy with at least two mental disorders. I spent a few years after high school unemployed, and just now started a job in retail. I never had a girlfriend in high school, and I’ve been on exactly one date my whole life (to see Iron Man 3). I still live with my family, and I don’t know how to drive. I’m also a singer in my church band (a Christian visiting a website about dating and sex, yeah yeah.).

The other day, I came to a rather depressing realization: this is what the rest of my life is going to be.

The rest of my existence is going to be spent at work and at home, and being at Walmart for nine hours means I’m not really interested in leaving the house for anything. I don’t drink and I hate loud noise, so bars and clubs are out. Even if I moved out and learned to drive, none of that would change.

All the friends I’ve ever made have scattered to the four winds; I no longer have anyone to hang out with in person. I don’t think that coworkers and customers can be friends, so as far as I can tell, I’m never going to be able to make new ones.

And a confession: I’m a hopeless romantic. Even if I never believed I could maintain one, I’ve always wanted to be in a relationship. Not a crazy girl who drags me out of my shell, but someone who’s willing to join me in it. But, well, you have to be friends first, and since I don’t have any way of making friends in my age group (everyone in church is middle-aged [and married] or underaged), I don’t feel like I’ll ever have a chance to meet someone.

Honestly, though, I feel like it should be ridiculous that I’m even upset by this. It ultimately doesn’t really matter if I never make a friend or find love. But in the moment, it’s depressing as hell to realize that you’re going to be completely alone for the rest of your life.

All Out of Love

DEAR ALL OUT OF LOVE: Dude. Dude.

You are twenty three. You aren’t at the end of the road, you’re starting your life right now. The odds that your life is going to be exactly the same for the next 50 to 70 years with no changes is so infinitesimal that I don’t think we actually have numbers to express it.

Unless, that is, you don’t do anything.

Fun thing is that you are the driver of your own destiny, the captain of your future. You and you alone are in the position to shape what the years to come will be. So if you choose to not change your circumstances, then yes, nothing will change. But that will be because of the choices you’ve made, not because you’ve been uniquely screwed by God, the Universe, the Force or Loki Laufeyson.

So if you want things to be different, then it’s on you to make things different. And unlike a lot of people: you’re in a strong position to make some changes. You’re relatively debt free. You, from the sound of things, have few regularly recurring expenses. This means that you’re in a position to actually pull up stakes and make massive changes in your life with greater ease than a lot of other people.

I want you to imagine a future you actually want to have. Picture it in all it’s technicolor glory. Maybe it’s a girlfriend or wife and the house with the white picket fence. Maybe it’s more friends and an active social life. It may be a new job that doesn’t suck the life out of you. And once you can see it so vividly that you can reach out and touch it: write down how you’re going to get there. Take up a pen and some paper – because writing by hand activates a different part of your brain than typing – and start writing down concrete steps that will get you to where you want to be. Things that you aren’t doing now.

You might start by learning to drive; even if you don’t have a car, having your driver’s license opens up avenues to you that you don’t currently have. If the day comes that you decide you want the flexibility that a car can bring you, you’ll be ready. Another may be socking away money into a savings account so you have a cushion for your future. Putting part of your paycheck towards a new place to live or even a new city to move to will give you something you can point to and say “see? SEE? I’m building towards something.” It’ll also give you safety and security to find another job that doesn’t suck like a jet-powered vacuum cleaner.

You might start by making a point of making new friends – actively seeking them out instead of waiting for them to drop into your lap. Contrary to what you think, your co-workers can make good friends, and even if they’re not your future bestest of buds, they can introduce you to new people who might. They can expose you to new and exciting opportunities – for socializing, for networking, for getting out of the rut you’ve found yourself in and for dating. And if for whatever reason you can’t be friends with them… you can find friends elsewhere. Join local clubs and meet-ups. Find a church with a younger, more vibrant community that speaks to you. Go out and do stuff because not doing anything between going to work and going home isn’t going to change things.

And don’t assume that going to bars and clubs or drinking is required for friendship or romance. There are many, many places where you can meet amazing women that don’t involve going to places you hate.

You aren’t stuck being forever alone dude. All that’s happened is that you’ve given up. And if that’s what you want to do, that’s cool. But it doesn’t sound like it to me.

So if you want to change that future you’re picturing, you’re going to have to get back up and start taking active control of your life instead of assuming that it’s all been carved in stone. Because it hasn’t. You’re in control. You have options. You have potential. Just reach out and take it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 32 year old gay man. At least, that’s how I have labeled myself, and my sexual and romantic life has been with men. But I’ve always found some women attractive. More recently, I’ve found myself more and more interested in women. I think now I’m actually now more sexually attracted to women than to men. (It sounds really weird, and it’s been even weirder to live through. But bi people have told me that this experience is really common among them). And I’ve done some things to explore my desires for women — and, yup, they feel as real as any straight guy’s. So I’ve accepted that I’m really bisexual, and I want to make women a part of my life. But the obstacles to doing that seem formidable.

I know that most women won’t date bisexual men. Talking with bi guys on-line, they all have nightmarish stories of constant rejection, so much that some have given up dating women at all. I need to find women who would be open to someone like me. I don’t know how to find them. I know to rule out women who might have some religious or moral objections — no loss there. I also know that I’m open to dating women that many straight men would rule out — older women, “bigger” women (who actually really turn me on, BTW). But I really need some kind of hint as to what women might give me a chance. (FWIW, I am disease-free and would be monogamous in a committed relationship). A bi woman would seem ideal, but a lot of them won’t date bi men either.

I also am intimidated by what I know about the straight dating world. The straight women I know all have horror stories about the things men have done to them. The straight men I know all have stories of frustration finding available women and being subjected to various “head games” by women. But something must work, since most of the people I know are in relationships. I’m also put off by the rigidity of straight dating — the man must initiate, the man must pay for everything, the man is expected to make more money. All of these things are much more flexible in same-sex relationships. I know that women have good reason to be wary of men — I’ve had my own bad experiences with men, so I really understand. But I would probably get frustrated quickly with a woman who expected me to always conform to a fixed role.

I don’t know where this is going. I don’t know whether I want a full-blown romantic relationship with a woman, or something more casual. Unlike a lot of the straight people my age, I’m not looking to get married now! But I know that men wanting to “keep it casual” are a dime a dozen, and women constantly complain about men who won’t commit. Once again, I don’t how to find women who would be interested in a casual relationship where I would still be exploring my sexuality. Maybe a woman who recently got out of a relationship and just wants to have fun would work for me. I might be a better bet for a woman who doesn’t want kids, since I’m now in the stage of life where a lot of women get serious about their biological clocks.

I actually think I could bring a lot to a relationship with a woman. My friends would tell you that I am smart, funny, and charming. I dress well and work out regularly. I have an advanced degree and a solid job. I have plenty of female friends (I haven’t dared to discuss my sexual exploration with most of them, and I wonder how they would take learning that their gay buddy was hot for them — which I am!). I am beginning to think that I am moving into a more heterosexual phase of my life, given how strong my desires for women are. But the obstacles to my achieving fulfillment seem huge — I am scared that I’m going to just end up as another lonely, frustrated guy who dreams of being with women but knows they will never have him.

Bisexual Guy Looking For Chicks

DEAR BISEXUAL GUY LOOKING FOR CHICKS: One of the things that we as a culture have slowly been discovering is that sexuality isn’t binary. Hell, most of the time, it’s not even a spectrum, it’s a combination multi-axis graph and sliding scale and sometimes people will slide around on that graph. While there are folks who are resolutely gay, straight, bi or pansexual, there are also folks who discover that their sexuality has changed over time. Sometimes it’s a case of they’re straight or gay but realize there’s one person who’s outside their preferred gender that just flips their switch and revs their motor. Some times they may be bi or pan but realize that while they may be open to a sexual relationship with people across the gender spectrum, they only have romantic feelings for one gender. And other times, people may start off as completely gay or completely straight and over time discover that their sexuality is more fluid than they realized.

Which is where you are these days, BGLFC. Turns out that your sexuality was more of a moving target than you realized and you’re discovering this new side of yourself. And hey, congratulations on finding these new, fascinating sides of yourself!

Now before we get deep into the weeds here, keep in mind: I’m a straight, cis guy. That’s going to affect my perspective and my dating experiences, so I may have some blindspots and miss things that would be glaringly obvious to someone who’s lived through dating while bisexual. And, as always, I encourage my bi and pan readers to chime in with their own experiences and thoughts in the comments.

So with that in mind: your concerns are reasonable, BGLFC. It seems odd that in the year of our Lord 2019 we’d be in a place where bi and pan people get dumped on by the gay and straight community, but it does happen. There’re a lot of folks who have sh

ty ideas about what it means to be bisexual — that you can’t be satisfied unless you’re in a relationship with people of both (or all) genders at the same time, that you’re actually monosexual and just deluding yourself, that you’re just a stopping point on the way to being fully gay or fully straight… the list goes on and on. The truth is that there are assholes out there and assholes are gonna ass. But the fact that assholes exist doesn’t mean that good people don’t.

There are more good people out there than there are assholes; it’s just that assholes are louder and more visible. The key is to remember that there’s a difference between being more visible and being the majority. It’s especially pernicious when the most visible conforms to your anxieties and fears. It creates a sort of confirmation bias;  you give undue importance to the things that line up with what you already believe and discount the things that don’t conform to those beliefs as being exceptions… if you notice them at all. So when you’re already anxious about trying to start dating in a world you’re unfamiliar with, it’s understandable that you’re going to give greater credence to the nightmare stories. But the fact that they feel more correct doesn’t mean that they are correct. It just lines up with what you expect to hear. And since humans have an inherent bias towards negativity, where negative thoughts or emotions hit us harder than positive ones, it’s natural that those are what you’re going to focus on.

That’s why you have to recognize that some of the fears you have, especially ones that come from second and third-hand stories, are out of proportion to reality. Some of them are simply funhouse mirror versions of reality, where what you’re expecting is a warped, distorted view of how things actually are. Others are letting the negative impressions overwhelm the facts on the ground. Yes, there are women out there who won’t date bi men. That’s not the same as all women, or even the majority. They just loom larger because hey, you’re a bi man. Yes, culturally, guys are taught to be the aggressors. But that doesn’t mean that men have to be the sole active participant while women have to be the passive recipient… and there are plenty of folks on both sides who cheerfully buck those traditions.

Because that’s all they are: traditions. And as a bi man, not only do you stand outside of many of those traditions, but the people you’ll be most compatible with are likely to be non-traditional themselves. Someone who’s comfortable with your sexual fluidity is far less likely to be hung up on traditional gender roles within the relationship.

It’s ok that you’re nervous. You’re entering into a world that’s just different enough from the one you knew to make everything feel new and strange. But while the obstacles that you’re anticipating do exist, there’s a difference between what you fear and what you’re likely to actually encounter. It’s smoke and shadows, making everything look larger, more intimidating and more insurmountable than they actually are. There are things you can do to protect yourself from getting your heart broken. Keep your expectations reasonable at first, without over-investing any one person with too much romantic importance. Maintain and enforce strong boundaries, which will minimize the people who’ll play head games with you. Learn to recognize the people who you’re actually compatible with, not people who you want to be compatible with because hey, they’re hot and some oral would be nice tonight.

But more than anything else: the only way you’re going to overcome these anxieties is to actually put yourself out there and start to confront them. You’re going to need to start actually getting into that dating pool and seeing what the reality is on the ground. You don’t have to dive in head first; you can ease yourself in via apps like OKCupid or Tinder. OKCupid, especially, can be useful for finding women who’re open to dating bi men.

I won’t lie: it can be intimidating. Dating often is, regardless of your sexuality. But intimidating isn’t the same as impossible. Nor is difficult. But nobody promised that it wouldn’t be difficult. They just promised that it would be worth it.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First, let me say how much I enjoy reading your column. You are funny, smart, and give solid advice. My question is rather simple, but I feel like I am overthinking things.

I am a single 27 year old girl with a very outgoing and witty personality. I make friends all over the place, but I never seem to meet any guys that I want to date. I work two jobs and I’m very involved at my church – so I meet plenty of people, but never anyone that I am interested in or vice versa. I have goals I want to meet and I’m on my way to hitting them. I have had successful relationships in the past. Dating is great – my parents have modeled a great committed relationship to me all my life and it’s something that I want very much, but I feel sort of stuck in my singleness and I don’t like the casual dating thing. I do not want to settle, but work limits my free time right now. What are some things I can do to get myself out there? I’ve tried online dating only to go on bad dates or be ghosted, and mostly get responses from older men looking for a hookup. Is there a light at the end of this tunnel? How can I get myself out there without compromising what I want in a partner? I am feeling very “Forever Alone” as I approach 28.

No Date, No Life

DEAR NO DATE, NO LIFE: First things first: there’s no settling down without settling for, NDNL, and that’s as true with life as it is with dating. When you have multiple goals that you’re pursuing, sometimes those goals are going to conflict with one another.

One of the hardest things about dating is the same as anything else you want to do in life: paying the opportunity cost. There are only so many hours in the day, and any activity you do is going to have to come at the expense at other things you want to do. Having two jobs and being incredibly involved at your church is going to eat up a lot of your time, especially if you want to make sure you have time to do other things like, say, sleep. So that’s going to have to be something you take into consideration as you decide how you want to conduct your love life. You have to decide where your priorities are and what you’re willing to give up in order to achieve them.

If you decide that, seeing as you’re close to your goals – and I assume you mean professionally – then it may make sense to you to focus on those for now and let dating be a lesser priority until you’re not busier than a one-legged woman in an ass-kicking contest. If you really want to find a guy you really click with, that will likely mean deprioritizing other areas in your life. Maybe it means you take longer to achieve those goals. Maybe it means not being quite so involved in your church. Or it may mean learning to be cool with a more casual relationship until you have the time to really invest in something more committed.

The thing to keep in mind is that any of these priorities is just fine, if that’s what you want. If you feel like your time is best spent locking down those goals, then that’s awesome; go get your money! If you feel like you want to pursue love more than your career, then hop on the love train and let’s go. It all depends on what you feel is best and most important for you.

There are ways of meeting dudes beyond lousy Tinder dates. The friends you’re making may not be people you want to date, but they very well may know the guys you would. It certainly wouldn’t hurt to ask if they have any single friends that you might click with. It may also be worth your time to broaden your approach by leveraging your interests and your passions to meet people in person. You’re more likely to find someone you dig at a MeetUp for something you really enjoy than rolling the dice on Tinder or hitting the bars.

And remember: it’s ok if you want to put off relationships for a bit. While it’s understandable that our culture’s obsession with living in your 20s can put a whammy on your head, you have time. Despite any bulls

t you may hear – from men and women alike – about being too old or waiting too long, there’s no such thing as “too late” for love. People fall in love and get married in their 30s, 40s, 60s and 80s. While yeah, some people do die without finding love, you have no idea if that’s going to be you until you actually die.

Now with that having been said: it’s important to recognize that finding a relationship isn’t the end of the story. If you want to keep that relationship, you have to be willing and able to invest in it. And if you don’t have the time to do so… well, meeting the right guy in the right place doesn’t matter if it’s not also the right time.

It can take a little time to figure out just where you want your priorities to be. But just remember: they’re your priorities. You’re allowed to set them where and how you feel is best.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)